Daring the Wild Sparks (38 page)

“No, you can trust me.” He blows an annoyed huff into the phone. “So, we’re stuck at an impasse?”

I mumble, “I guess so.”

“Are we going to resolve anything before I get home?”

“You mean am
I
going to give in to anything else before you get home?”

“Well, my requests are a whole lot easier than yours. They’re both for your benefit too, Becks, and both will bring us closer together. I need that.”

I spin my chair around so I can watch the door. “Yes since both of your requests involve sex being more convenient for you, and mine, unfortunately, require deeper commitments from you.”

“Damn it! I
am
committed to you! How many times, how many ways do I have to tell you or show you? It’s getting fucking tiresome having to prove myself to you so much!” It is? His tone and words sting worse than a hornet. I didn’t realize I bothered him to the point that he’s
exhausted
. Am I that fucking woman who is irritating and whiny, and annoys the hell out of her boyfriend because he’s not cooperating with her life plan’s schedule? I can’t be like that. I don’t
want
to be like that. And that’s exactly who I feel like I’ve become.

“If you’re getting tired of it, then why don’t you just find someone who
isn’t
me? Someone who doesn’t harp, nag and hound you about your decisions, or someone who only wants you for one thing and nothing else.”

He gasps, “What?”

I grip the edge of my chair and take a steady, cleansing breath so I can calm myself. “Maybe we need a breather from all the heavy things we dealt with this past weekend.”

He repeats, “What?”

“I think we—”

“
Are you breaking up with me?” His voice is full of unexpected panic, which takes me by surprise. He should feel liberated. “No! Becks, we can work this out!”

I wipe the tears unexpectedly dripping onto my cheeks. “No, I’m
not
breaking up with you. I just think we need some time away from each other. A short hiatus, maybe. A couple weeks. Time for us to think.” I need time to regroup and get my shit together before I lose him to another woman, like the one that just showed up at his door.

“We
are
away from each other! And I don’t need time to think! I know what I want.”

“Yes, you do. Apparently, you know what
you
want.
I’m
the one who doesn’t. I’m the one who is making your life a living hell,” to borrow Morgan’s words to Rod.

“Baby, you’re not. You’re my world. Don’t
do
this to me! Shit, even over the fucking phone!”

I swallow to open my closing throat. How can I go through with this? It’s something we both need to gain perspective and we can’t do that if we’re fighting every time we’re together.

Struggling to sound casual, I say, “I’m not, Finn. You’re still coaching my team, aren’t you? If you organize a meeting with us, I’ll be there.”

“Oh, really?” he asks bitingly and I can tell he’s growling between his teeth. “That could be a week away still and I don’t want to finally see you with people around! You said you’d be there for me when I get back, but you won’t be! And for what? Because I asked you to go on the fucking Pill or because I left to cool down for a while? What the fuck?”

I didn’t think he’d be
this
unreasonable. He’s more upset now than at the club when he saw me dancing with Rod, when I asked him to knock me up, or when his mom announced her divorce.

“I’m not leaving you,” I say as with as much composure as I can, though, my mind is screaming at me to fight while my heart is begging me to shut my fucking mouth.
Abruptly, he dispassionately states, “I’m coming home.” He sounds resolved. Shit.

I shriek, “No! Don’t you come home, Finn! You’ll lose your job!” I hope nobody is lurking outside my office door.

“You think I give a damn shit? I could give a fuck less about my job when it comes to you. It’s a personal emergency anyway, so they can kiss my ass.” Finn really would give up his job for me? I get that he got the tattoo, but some things I’ve apparently overlooked.

I take a deep breath so I can respond as rational as possible. “It’s not an emergency. We’re still together and we always will be. I just think maybe we need time apart, to think.”

He roars, “I don’t want fucking time apart from you! That’s all we have is time apart! We’re never together!
You
are the one who is trying to get away from
me
!” Damn, he’s not holding back. I actually have to hold the phone away from my ear. Even in a hotel room? He’s going to get kicked out.

I close my eyes and focus on staying restrained. “Why are you getting so worked up over this?
You
left last night.”

“
But I came back
!
You
left and took all of your fucking clothes with you! Why, Becks?”

Steadily, I reply, “Because I thought you were leaving me.”

“No!” He’s then quiet, but I can hear his wheels turning as he breathes hard. “Am I really not enough for you? You said I was.”

“Sparks, you are. We just… Now you want me to do something that you were so against, and I don’t want to do it.”

“Forget it then. It doesn’t matter. We’ll keep using what we have been.” That’s what I thought he’d say. It’s still birth control, regardless. No family for us. And once I go on it, I can’t imagine him asking me to ever stop taking it.

“Yes, it does matter. You want us to be closer.”
Believe me. I loved the closeness, too, Finn
.

“But this damn argument is driving a wedge between us. It’s not worth it.”

His wanting to be closer isn’t what is driving a wedge between us. It’s me. I really do need to let all of this go. If he wants me to take the Pill, then I should at least think about it more. Marriage and having a baby is not going to happen for us, and I truly need to grasp that; however, I can’t do that when I’m living with him. I keep telling myself I’ll be okay with it or hope that maybe he’ll change his mind, but he won’t. Despite my love for Finn, if I want to spend my life with him, I need to purge my mind and heart of the two things I want that he doesn’t. In a way, I feel like I’m becoming a nun. I have to sacrifice marriage and a family, and I need to come to terms with that if I want to be with the man I love.

“I’m still with you. I need time to think about going on it.” I crane my neck again to check to see if I have an audience.

“Fuck. You’re
not
going to move in with me now, are you?”

“I will, but there are some issues to work out first.”

“Oh, fuck me. That’s a no.”

“It’s not. Like I said, we have things to work through first. I will in a few weeks.”

“Can’t we work through them while living together?”

“And what if we can’t work through them? Then what? Will you want me to move out then?”

He instantly replies, “Never. We’ll figure it out.”

“That’s what you’ve
been
saying. Well, I just figured it out for you.”

“Becks, I need you with me
! It’s fucking hard being away from you! I can’t go home to our empty apartment after you said you’ll move in with me and you’re not there!”

“You asked for time before. I also need time to sort things out before taking this step. It might do you some good, too.”

“Fuck,” he mutters.

I’ve already conceded so much for him. No marriage. No kids. He did get a tattoo with my name. Shouldn’t that be enough? It’s great, but it’s not what I truly want. I want
all
of him to be mine, not just the real estate on his chest.

I’ve given in to moving in with him and possibly even going on the Pill, though I don’t want to. I need to do a lot of soul searching. Will he ever sacrifice anything for me?

It’s Wilder’s turn at bat.

CHAPTER 2
4

FINN

As she speaks, my blood slowly freezes in my veins, rendering me motionless and mute.

At first.

Then, faster than lightning,
a fire sears through me and I instantly thaw as terror violently clutches my body.

I grip the phone as if it’s a life preserver. “Are you breaking up with me? No! Becks, we can work this out!” Holy shit! She can’t leave me! Damn it, I’ve finally driven her to this! I
knew
it would happen, but not
this
soon and definitely not
now
! She’d actually dump me after my mother just dumped my stepdad?

“No, I’m not breaking up with you. I just think we need some time away from each other. A short hiatus, maybe. A couple weeks. Time for us to think.” She has got to be fucking kidding me.

“We
are
away from each other! And I don’t need time to think! I know what I want.” The only thing I know I want in life is Becks. She’s my reason for living. If she only knew that.

“Yes, you do. Apparently,
you
know what you want.
I’m
the one who doesn’t. I’m the one who is making your life a living hell.”

Sitting on the bed, I lean forward, plowing my hand into my hair and hang my head over my legs, frantically pleading, “Baby, you’re not. You’re my world. Don’t
do
this to me! Shit, even over the fucking phone!” I’m not even in the same damned state!

She evenly says, “I’m not, Finn. You’re still coaching my team, aren’t you? If you organize a meeting with us, I’ll be there.”

I grind my teeth, simmering with fury. “Oh, really? That could be a week away still and I don’t want to see you with people around! You said you’d be there for me when I get home, but you won’t be! And for what? Because I asked you to go on the fucking Pill or because I left to cool down for a while? What the fuck?”

“I’m not leaving you.” I love how she’s placid and cool about this, yet I’m in turmoil like a fucking tornado.

I have to get out of here and talk some sense into her. I jump up and grab my wallet and keys. “I’m coming home.”  Fuck this assignment.

She screeches, “No! Don’t you come home, Finn! You’ll lose your job!”

“You think I give a damn shit? I could give a fuck less about my job when it comes to you. It’s a personal emergency anyway, so they can kiss my ass.”

Becks loudly inhales. “It’s not an emergency. We’re still together and we always will be. I think maybe we need time apart, to think.” Is she serious? I only see her on the weekends!

“I don’t want fucking time apart from you! That’s all we have is time apart! We’re never together!
You
are the one who is trying to get away from
me
!”

She again replies sedately, “Why are you getting so worked up over this?
You
left last night.” She just kneed me in the damned balls. How else am I supposed to feel?

“
But I came back
!
You
left and took all of your fucking clothes with you! Why, Becks?”

“Because I thought you were leaving me.”
I’d never voluntarily leave you, Becks
.

“No!” Then something hits me. Oh, shit. She lied to me. She wants more than I’m willing to give her and now she’s finally realizing it.

This is my fucking fault.

Asking her to go on the Pill was like flipping her ignition switch and I blew our lives into smithereens. I’m such an asshole. Why in the hell would she want to waste any more time on me?

My voice comes out a thick whisper when I ask, “Am I really not enough for you? You said I was.”

“Sparks, you are. We just… Now you want me to do something that you were so against, and I don’t want to do it.”

“Forget it then. It doesn’t matter. We’ll keep using what we have been.” Even with a condom, having sex with her isn’t something I’ll easily relinquish.

“Yes, it does matter. You want us to be closer.”

“But this damn argument is driving a wedge between us. It’s not worth it.”

“I’m still with you. I need time to think about going on it.”

“Fuck. You’re
not
going to move in with me now, are you?”

“I will, but there are some issues to work out first.”

“Oh, fuck me. That’s a no.”

“It’s not. Like I said, we have things to work through first. I will in a few weeks.”

“Can’t we work through them while living together?”

“And what if we can’t work through them? Then what? Will you want me to move out?”

“Never. We’ll figure it out.”

“That’s what you’ve
been
saying. Well, I just figured it out for you.”

“Becks, I need you with me! It’s fucking hard being away from you! I can’t go home to our empty apartment after you said you’ll move in with me, and you’re not there!”

“You asked for time before. I also need time to sort things out before taking this step. It might do you some good, too.”

“Fuck.” I don’t want more time to myself. I’m already so damn lonely and I painfully miss her.

Why in the hell is Becks doing this to me? To us?

“Does this mean I can’t see you when I get home?”

“I don’t know. I need time to clear my head. We’ll see, okay?”

“Can I at least call you?”

“I’ll call you at night before I go to bed.” What the fuck?

“You’re not even going to let me call you? How in the hell is this not a breakup? You’re closing yourself off to me!”

“I’m not. Whoever calls first at night then? It’s not a breakup, Finn. I promise. We’re still together.”

“It sure in the hell doesn’t feel like we’re together! It feels like you’re trying to kick me out of your life!”

“Finn, I’m not breaking up with you!” she shouts. “Why can’t you understand that? I just need time! Give me that!”

I clench my teeth together and stare at the other bed across from me. How do I give her time when it’s all she takes? She says that’s all she gives me, but she’s the one taking her sweet old time moving us forward. For three fucking years now, I’ve overindulged her with her self-imposed, damned, no-sleepovers-during-the-week rule and her refusal to move in with me. How’s that a step forward? Who does that shit? My girlfriend, that’s who. I’m such a dumbass. If I had fought it hard enough, she probably would’ve eventually relented to both. I don’t give a shit about morning traffic as much as she seems to; however, I don’t think traffic was the problem at all.

It’s me.

“Finn?”

I morosely bite, “What?”

“Are you okay?”

I rub my hand over my mouth and take a deep breath, stealing a minute so I don’t say something I probably
won’t
regret.
Are you okay
? I can’t believe those words actually left her mouth. I’m fucking great. My girl is trying to break up with me, but ironically, she doesn’t have the balls to cut off mine.

Releasing my mouth, I heatedly exhale. “You’re actually asking me that? I’m ready to throw my shit into the car and come home. I can’t see you when I’m here and now, not when I come home either. How do you
think
I feel?” I growl more than I intend to.

“I know this is at the worst time. You want me to move in with you, yet I need to be in the right place before I can do that. I thought I was, but I’m not. It’s not fair of me to commit to that if I can’t do it right now.”

I again speak through my gritted teeth, “Fine. I get that. What I don’t get is not being allowed to fucking see you.”

“Finn, you know why I can’t see you.”

“Explain it to me then.” I know it’s because she thinks I’m some kind of sex addict. I’m not. I’m a
Becks
addict. Hadley Beckett does things to me. There’s something about that woman that forces me onto my back or down to my knees, albeit not the single one she wants me down on. The funny thing is, she doesn’t think she’s anything special. At all. She significantly underestimates the affect she has on me. On Everyone. Hell, I don’t even understand it. And for the life of me, I can’t get enough of her. I honestly try not to get carried away when I first lay eyes on her after work Friday nights, yet all that goes right out the window when she’s wearing simply a T-shirt and underwear. Damn. I can’t stop myself from sliding my hands up her shirt to her soft, bare tits. I’m absolutely done for then. I have to devour her in every way imaginable.

“I can’t explain it right now. I’m not alone in a hotel room.”

I shake my head. “I’d rather not be alone. Is it because you’re afraid I can’t keep my hands off of you?”

She quietly exhales. “Yes.”

“Becks, I promise, I won’t…” I drift off. Shit. I can’t even promise that.

“Finn…” She knows I’m a pussy. I bow my head and sigh in defeat, my voice muffled when I say, “I miss you, baby. Can I still call you that?”
Don’t take that from me, too.

“Yes. I told you I’m not breaking up with you. I’m taking time away to make us stronger.”

“Becks…” What can I do? I feel like everything she’s saying is a lie. Is she finally fed up with my madness? I can’t condemn her if she is. Her pulling away is entirely my doing.

She quietly asks, “What, Sparks?” I close my eyes and try to savor her calling me that. Will it be the last time she does?

Reaching up, I dig into the neck of my T-shirt, taking my necklace out and grip the key Becks gave me. It feels like my lifeline to her. I’ll do anything she wants me to do. She possesses my soul. If I had only shut my mouth and used my dick instead, knocking her up, we’d be having a totally different conversation now. But no. I had to swing a sledgehammer into my own nuts.

I hoarsely relent, “I’ll give you time. I’ll leave you alone for a couple weeks.”

I don’t have a choice.

“Not completely alone. We can still talk at night on the phone. Kind of like how we used to when we were first getting to know each other.” Can I really go back to having that little contact with her? I thought seeing her merely on the weekends was hard enough.

“Alright,” I grudgingly mumble. I have to do it, but a couple weeks are way more than I can manage. I have to be able to sustain my hunger for her somehow. Someway.

I can’t fathom how Becks could be so calm as if she was reading the damned news. I could probably get her a job as an anchor. We’d actually see each other more than we do now—not a bad idea. I’d love flirting with her on Air and making her squirm in embarrassment. I’d love it so much I’d never get around to my highlights.

She changes subjects, though my mind is determinedly trapped on the former. “Do you really want to be our coach?” Coach? Not the topic I care about at the moment.

“Yeah, why? Don’t you want me to?” Is she going to take that from me next? Though, if she’s going to break up with me, there’s no way in hell I could see her after that. I would be the worst coach ever because instead of paying attention to the team, I’d be too busy watching Becks or groveling at her feet for her to take me back.

“It’s fine. In a way, we’ll get to spend more time together. However, I don’t want you giving me special treatment or showing me any kind of favoritism.”

“Favoritism? I don’t even
like
you.” Becks softly giggles and I reluctantly chuckle.

“There’s my funny boyfriend.”
Will I still be your boyfriend in a couple weeks
?

“That’s me. Funnier than a box of one-eyed clowns.” I again revel in hearing her laugh.

“I love you, Sparks. I want you to remember that.”

I lean onto my legs, hang my head and close my eyes. “I love you more, Becks. I don’t want you to forget that.”

Not really in the mood for company but definitely in the mood for drinks, I ultimately make my way down to the hotel’s lounge, keeping my head down and avoiding contact in case I’m recognized. It happens no matter where I go, especially in bars with Ricky. Women would throw themselves at me, which when I was single, I thought was rather flattering and sometimes tempting; however, most just wanted to get to know me as a potential father to their future children or because they saw me on TV. Thankfully, I managed to not fall into the lifestyle Ricky seemed to live for. I didn’t condone his behavior, but who was I to condemn it? I’m by no means perfect.