Damaged and the Saint (5 page)

Saint carried me from the SUV to the porch of my house. Saying nothing, he set me down, handed my backpack to me, and left. The guy wasn’t about pointless chatter. I had a decision to make. He gave me my choices. The next step was up to me.

Limping into the house, I heard my parents talking in the kitchen. They only wanted the best for me. Tad and Toni Todds took me in when I was a mess. My family was dead and I was addicted to heroine. My body battered and my mind nearly destroyed, I wasn't sure I wanted to live anymore. Thinking back, I only stayed alive to repay Vaughn for what he gave up by saving me.

Stronger now, I wasn’t that lost girl anymore. With Saint’s help, I could be even stronger, but I didn’t know if my family could understand.

When I entered the kitchen, my parents looked up in unison and stared at me. I saw the questions in their eyes, but they remained silent. Even when they saw me limping, they said nothing.

“Twisted my knee running.”

“Are you okay?” Mom asked, struggling not to panic. “Want me to get an icepack?”

“I’m good. I need to talk to you. Is now a bad time?”

My parents looked at each other and shared a silent conversation. I waited for them to finish while I limped to the fridge to get a glass of sweet tea. When I returned, Dad and Mom had their game faces on.

“What’s up?” Mom asked breezily.

“Saint wants me to stay with him while he’s in town.”

“No,” Dad said immediately, game face replaced by fiercely protective dad face.

“It’s not a sexual thing.”

“Sure.”

“Let’s hear her out,” Mom said then added, “So when we say no, it’ll seem more reasonable.”

My temper insisted I challenge my parents, yet my love for them said to let the comment go. “Saint is like no one I’ve ever met and he pushes me to face things like no one else does.”

“He might be messing with you,” Dad said quietly. “Men like him have the power over life and death. It can get them twisted until they enjoy playing mind games on people.”

“Saint isn’t playing with me. I don’t know how I can explain it to you, but he shared things with me that a man playing games wouldn’t share.”

My mom opened her mouth to ask what things, but likely realized I wouldn’t spill his secrets.

“I was raped,” I said.

They both tensed, thinking I meant by Saint. Logically they knew I wouldn’t protect a bastard who hurt me.

“Saint helped me say that without wanting to hide for the rest of the day in my room. I don’t know how, but he inspires me to face things. I even told him how I hurt my knee and I never told any of my therapists that. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I want to stay with him. He gets me and knows how to push me, but he doesn’t push too hard. I wish I could explain better. I just can’t give up this chance. He’s only in town for like a week.”

“Are you asking to stay with him or telling us you’re doing it?” Dad asked in his scary father voice.

“Both.”

Sighing, Dad leaned back. “You know how we feel. I guess I could threaten Saint with what’ll happen if he hurts you, but I doubt he’d be impressed.”

“Why does he want you to stay with him?” Mom asked. “What does he get out of it, if it’s not sexual?”

“Small towns make him restless. For whatever reason, he likes me and I entertain him. I think it’s the part where I tried to kick his ass.”

“You know nothing about this guy,” Dad pointed out, not giving into the idea easily.

“I knew nothing about Vaughn either. He was a big scary stranger who saved me and brought me to you. When he showed up in Ellsberg, did you think he was a good man? Probably not. People think all kinds of stuff about you, Dad. Either you’re soft because you’re a pastor or you’re a thug because you’re in the club. Mom, you know people talked crap about Dad when you first met.”

“This isn’t really the same thing.”

“How do you figure? Saint could have hurt me in the woods when I freaked out on him. He just blocked my crap moves and waited until I was done being weird. Instead of thinking I was a loser, he offered to train me. In a few hours with him, I already feel stronger than I have after all those years in therapy. I’m doing this.”

Saint was right. If I wanted to tell him yes, I would make my parents understand. If I was looking for a way out, they would give it to me.

“Alright,” Dad said, standing up. “If you get into trouble with him, you call me and I will get you out. I don’t care who he is. I’ll make him bleed.”

“It’ll be okay.” I said, hugging him. “When I twisted my knee, Saint took me to an urgent care clinic. He even paid the bill and stayed with me. He isn’t a bad guy even if he has a bad job.”

“I’m going to trust you because you’ve earned that trust,” Dad said, pushing out each painful word rather than saying what he was really thinking. “Just remember you can tell him no.”

“I tell everyone no.”

Dad grinned. “Yes, you do.”

Mom and Dad still wanted to talk me out of staying with Saint. Since they couldn’t, they left me in the kitchen. They were no doubt hashing things out in Dad’s office. With them accepting how I was telling someone yes and they couldn’t change my mind, I joined Jace in the living room and showed him the leftover cinnamon roll.

“You didn’t die,” he said, never taking his eyes off The Cleveland Show.

“Nope. I’ll be out of the house for a week or so. Don’t touch my stuff.”

“Oh, I’ll be in there constantly, rubbing boogers on your precious girl stuff.”

Smiling, I rested my feet next to his on the coffee table. “You’re going to be tall.”

“Whatever.”

“You’re not a teenager yet. Save the indifference for when you’re sporting pimples and BO.”

Jace suddenly turned to me with a devious look in his dark eyes. “Oh, I’ve got the BO already, sissy.”

Tackling me, he shoved his armpit into my face while I struggled to free myself without causing him serious injury. In the end, I accepted the kid had BO, yet relieved he covered it with a decent deodorant. In fact, I suspected he used Vaughn’s body spray. No doubt the girls would chase him hardcore when he got older.

Dropping off Harlow at her house proved to be harder than I imagined. A gnawing need to return bothered me while I ate a dull lunch. Harlow belonged with me, but neither of us was capable of doing anything about this fact. She was more messed up than I suspected while I was only pretending to be so well adjusted. Deep inside, I knew what I was capable of and what I had no business attempting. A relationship was on the top of my list of bad ideas.

Harlow felt fucking perfect in my arms. I hadn’t felt anything soft in a long time. Even when I saw Mom a year ago, she hugged me as if hoping to break my ribs and slow me down. The woman needed me to give up my ugly life and give beauty another shot. I wanted that too, but it wasn’t a choice.

Harlow was so damn young. If she was older, we might enjoy a fair shot of making things work. I might wait except by the time she was older, Harlow would likely be hollowed out by her anger. She’d never be truly soft again.

I hated the thought of Harlow losing the tenderness I saw in her eyes when I left her. She didn’t want me to leave. I tempted her in a new and wonderful way. The same temptation was eating at me all through lunch.

Back at the apartment building, I headed to the gym to work out my frustrations. What the hell was wrong with me? I’d been alone for years and preferred it that way. On my own, I was real. With other people, I put on masks. Pretended to be tough when I felt weak. Faked I was happy when I wanted to set the world on fire. My life was a show and I played all the roles. Alone, I could be the man I was before Saint.

After dropping off Harlow, I felt restless in a way only exhaustion could alleviate. I pummeled the punching bag like a man bent on revenge. So focused on punishing the inanimate object, I never noticed the men enter the gym. Getting caught with my guard down wasn’t like me. I felt as if Harlow broke something fundamental inside of me and only her presence might fix it.

One of the men joining me in the gym was Lenny who acted as Arlo’s main muscle. Most of the guys in town for the paintball games were killers, but only a few of them would take the life of a kid. Lenny broke that mold, setting fire to a church to kill a single guy. He eliminated his target along with a dozen kids and a few nuns. I wasn’t a fan of him even before learning that story.

“You feeling frustrated,” Lenny asked as if we were friends. “You oughta hook up with a cutie from the college. I had a few of them last night. Tasty and fresh.”

Remaining silent, I had no interest in bullshitting with this fucker. He should know better than to talk to me anyway. After all, Lenny was replaceable while I wasn’t. If I decided to kill Lenny, Arlo would shrug it off. These things happened in the business. Finding a new Lenny was as easy as picking a thug off the street.

When I said nothing, Lenny glanced at Shadow setting the speed on a treadmill. “You get lucky last night, pal?”

Shadow didn’t even look at Lenny. The kid was maybe twenty five and had a boyish face. He should have been scared of a guy like Lenny except Shadow was a frigging giant. Six five at the very least, he hovered over everyone including me. I knew he wasn’t cold like Lenny. He wouldn’t burn little kids or nuns. He was a puppy compared to most guys, but Lenny didn’t know this fact. When Shadow ignored him, he decided to cut the chit chat.

Uninterested in talking to either of them, I left to take a shower and wait to hear from Harlow. I knew she’d say yes. She needed something in her life. Fighting at the Thunderdome and martial arts classes weren’t about being strong. They filled the emptiness she couldn’t shake. I knew all about suffering with a void nothing could satisfy.

After a shower, I craved a distraction while waiting for Harlow’s call.

Mom answered the phone immediately as if her entire day was about the next call. The woman loved to socialize.

“My sweet boy,” she said and I smiled despite my bad mood.

“Everything okay at home?”

“Since you called two days ago?” she teased. “Yes, we’ve managed not to fall in a well, child.”

Exhaling hard, I knew she knew I wanted to talk or I wouldn’t call at this time of day. I had a routine with my calls. I was a man of rules. They kept me alive. I was breaking them and she was waiting for the why.

“I don’t want you getting all excited or making a fuss,” I said. “Do you promise to stay calm?”

“On my honor. Now spill.”

Taking a deep breath, I said the words even if they made me feel small. “I met someone.”

The silence on the other end of the line surprised me. My mother likely hurt herself from restraining her excitement.

“That’s nice,” Mom finally said.

I couldn’t help laughing. “It’s killing you to be so calm.”

“Oh, I’m fine. Tell me about the girl.”

“There isn't much to tell.”

“You called, didn’t you?”

Hearing the smile in her voice, I smiled a bit too. “Her name is Harlow,” I said then added quickly, “She’s young.”

“Of course. No mature woman would fall for a man as strange as you.”

Despite my mood, I laughed. “Very true.”

“She’s falling for you, isn’t she, Rafe?”

“Yes, but she has a past.”

“We all do.”

“A messed up past.”

“She’s perfect for you. When do I meet her?”

Balking, I immediately regretted calling. “I just met her yesterday.”

“And you already know she’s the one. My boy is falling in love.”

“I just met her yesterday,” I said again, emphasizing each word.

Mom laughed. “Oh, then I don’t want to meet her. Best you two get acquainted before I get involved.”

After a moment of silence, I frowned. “You’re already thinking grandchildren.”

“I hope for both a boy and a girl, but will take whatever God offers.”

“She’s nineteen, messed up, and I just met her. Don’t think about grandchildren. It’ll only set you up for disappointment.”

“Close your eyes,” Mom said softly.

Like when I was a boy, I obeyed. “They’re closed.”

“Imagine Harlow’s face.”

Doing as I was told, I remembered the way her big eyes watched me while I massaged her leg. A flush of need came over me instantly.

“She makes you feel different, yes?” Mom asked.

Exhaling softly, I opened my eyes. “Yes, but…”

“No, buts. No more being a boy. The time has come to remove your head from your bum and make a real life.”

“A boy,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“As long as you play the monster when I know you’re anything but, you will be a boy. A man faces his demons. Now make this girl see what I know is inside you, so I can finally have my son back,” Mom said then added quietly, “And a few grandbabies wouldn't hurt either.”

“I promise nothing. Harlow has enough problems without me expecting anything from her.”

Mom remained quiet for nearly a minute then sighed. “You should smile a lot. You have a wonderful smile, baby. That’ll charm her and everything else is simply the little details.”

Grinning, I thanked Mom for her advice. When she learned I was only in town for a week, my sweet as sugar mother ordered me to get my crap together and make that week count. After all, my parents weren’t planning to live forever.

Vaughn Majors saved me years ago and I’d never be able to repay him for what he gave up to give me a chance to live. He left behind his home, friends, and mother. For years, he avoided me because I reminded him of what he lost. I didn’t blame him. Sometimes, I wanted to avoid him too. Forgetting seemed the easiest choice, but the past was never truly gone.

These days, Vaughn and I didn’t avoid each other. We were friends and forgetting was an even bigger temptation. Especially now that Vaughn was married and about to be a father.

My mind wasn’t on the past when Vaughn and Raven arrived at our house. Focused on pushing back the videogame zombie hordes, I didn’t notice anyone at the door until Jace paused the game and glanced over my shoulder. His expression was classic messed up kid. Always wary, he lost the smile he’d had since we started playing the game.

“Hey,” Raven said, plopping down next to Jace. “Can I play while Vaughn plays big bro with your big sis?”

When Jace kept his gaze on the ground, Raven smiled at me. “He’s afraid to be beaten by a girl who’s not you.”

“She’s never beaten me,” Jace muttered.

“Winnie did once,” I said, handing Raven the controller. “It was a fluke. She sneezed and hit a button and somehow he died.”

Jace grinned. “Killed by a sneeze.”

Leaving Raven to fight zombies with Jace, I found Vaughn on the back porch. He stared grumpy at the bright sun lingering on the horizon.

“Explain to me what this thing is between you and Saint.”

“There is no thing. He offered to train me and I couldn’t say no.”

“I can train you,” Vaughn said, glancing at me as I joined him on the couch.

“Not like he can.”

“Because he’s a cold blooded killer?”

“Because he doesn’t look at me like I’m a kid. You want to protect me. He wants to see how far he can push me.”

“I don’t think you’re a kid.”

I frowned at him and he frowned back at me. We were at an impasse.

“He’s only in town for a week. What’s the big deal?” I asked when he wouldn’t stop frowning at me.

“I don’t know anything about him besides he kills people. You have enough fucking problems in life. Palling around with him is creating another fucking problem.”

“You should work on your cussing now that you’re going to be a dad.”

Vaughn finally smiled. “Fuck you. Cooper cussed at a cat the other day while he was holding Lily. She didn’t seem to mind.”

“She’s a baby. I betcha Coop will edit himself once his princess gets older and starts cussing at cats.”

“Sawyer cusses like that.”

“Sawyer is… special.”

“True. Being a club princess will do that. Lily will be too, won’t she, cupcake?”

“Your kid won’t.”

Vaughn glared at me. “Stop distracting me from why I came here, Twinkie.”

“It’s not my job to make your job easier, ding dong.”

Smiling, Vaughn tugged gently at my hair. “I want you to be a happy adult since you didn’t get to be a happy kid.”

“I know and I appreciate you watching out for me. Vaughn, the only way I can really be happy is to be strong and Saint can help me to be strong. You should support him training me.”

“How is he training you by fucking you?”

“It’s not like that. He won’t be in town long.”

“I still don’t see how he’s training you.”

“Saint told me a few things after I freaked out on him. How to handle a threat and what to do and not to do. I learned things I probably should know, but I was letting my anger think for me. He made me see the stuff I was ignoring. I don’t listen to people, but I listened to him.”

Vaughn grunted. “I need to ask him what trick he used. That way, I can make you listen to me.”

“I don’t think it’s transferable.”

“Your parents are worried. Winnie is worried. We can’t all be wrong to worry.”

“I know, but life is complicated and I’m complicated and I’m doing this.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“It’s the only one you’re getting.”

“Fine,” he said, throwing his hands up. “I’ll allow you to do what you want and act like an adult, but on one condition.”

“No dice. I do what I want.”

“Promise me that you’ll ask for help if you get in over your head with this guy.”

“Okay.”

“I feel like you’re humoring me, cupcake.”

“You’re very perceptive, ding dong.”

Winking at me, he smiled. “I really like that nickname.”

“Save the bad pickup lines for your wife.”

“They can’t be that bad,” he said, throwing an arm around my shoulders as we walked inside. “They nabbed me a sexy woman.”

“Raven is a special lady. I hope I find a man to call me stupid nicknames.”

“Oh, you will one day. Trust me that your stupid nickname is just around the corner.”

We entered the living room where Jace and Raven struggled to beat back the zombies. I swore she was taking the game more seriously than my little brother. After Vaughn and Raven headed out, I packed up my stuff to go to Saint’s apartment.

My parents hugged me tightly. Jace hugged me too before disappearing into his room. All the hugging made me feel too young to leave. I even considered backing out, but pushed away the insecurity almost immediately.

Driving away from the house, I saw my parents staring out the picture window at me. Their panic made me want to panic too. Instead, I focused on surviving the evening traffic as college students made the roads unbearable. I arrived at the apartment complex, parking Dad’s Harley in the underground garage next to Saint’s SUV. On my way upstairs, the elevator doors opened and a blond guy entered. He was tatted, tanned, and wearing only a towel around what I hoped was a pair of swim trunks.

“Hey, doll,” he said, giving me a wink. “Who you here to see?”

“Saint.”

The guy ran a hand through his wet hair and nodded. “Don’t take this personal, but I’m ignoring you now. I don’t plan to piss off the big guy.”

“Probably your best move, stud.”

The guy gave me another wink then ignored me while the elevator headed up. We exited on the same floor, but he never looked in my direction as I dragged my bags to apartment 404.

I knocked twice before Saint answered. Somehow, I expected him to open immediately as if anxiously waiting for me. His expression left a lot to be desired too.

“Move so I can come inside,” I said when he blocked my entry.

Saint stared at me in a blank way, making me wonder if he forgot his offer. Was he mentally ill? What had I signed onto with this guy? No, I realized he was messing with me.

A smile slowly warmed his face. “How’s your leg, Afterschool Special?” he said, taking my bags and tossing them on the couch.

“I feel great. Thanks for asking, Saturday Night Live.”

“Oh, I get it. I used to be funny, but now I’m not. Hmm…”

Smirking, I walked into the living room where my bags rested. Saint’s temporary apartment told me nothing about him. The place was sterile and he added nothing to personalize it. I wondered if he had a home somewhere with his personality written all over it.

“Bedroom has two dressers. Take the empty one,” Saint said, setting his keys and phone on the kitchen counter. “There is a shelf and drawer for your stuff in the refrigerator. A cabinet for you in the bathroom.”

“What if my stuff touches your stuff? Will you freak out?”

Glancing at me over his shoulder, Saint gave me a dark stare.

“Don’t push me, girl.”

It took all my courage, but I held his gaze. “I’m very sorry for upsetting your precious feelings, boy.”

Grinning again, he looked at the kitchen. “I like my privacy. So do my belongings. Enough said.”

“It wasn’t like I was banging on your door to stay here. This was your idea.”

“True, but you came with two bags full of girl things. I’m rethinking how much space you might take. Will I need a second apartment for your bags?”

I craved to go Bailey on his ass. Was there a table I could stand on to ensure my freak out was truly obnoxious? Saint was likely testing me again. Or he was nervous about having me in his domain.

If he was giving me a test, I planned to nail it. If he was nervous, I pitied his sensitive man feelings. Either way, I wasn’t falling for his crap.

“Where will you be sleeping again?” I asked,

“In the bed.”

“Where will I be sleeping?”

Saint smirked. “I told you in the woods how you’ll be in my bed. You can’t be much of a dreamcatcher in the next room.”

“You really think you can handle all of this in the same bed with you?” I asked, doing a sort of jazz hands display of all my curves.

“I have amazing self-control. I’m not sure you can say the same thing.”

Sizing him up, I shrugged even though he made loose running shorts incredibly sexy. “Have you ever lived with a woman before?”

“Does my mom count?”

“No, though it does explain your poor social skills.”

Saint grinned big. “Maybe you can teach me to be more open like you.”

“I’ll try, but you might be too set in your ways to learn new tricks.”

Shaking his head, Saint left me to finish unpacking. I found him on the balcony, staring up at the evening clouds. When I joined him, Saint focused on me in the intense way he sometimes did.

“You have beautiful eyes,” he said, looking away and sizing up the traffic. “I have to go to the Johansson barbecue thing tonight. Will you come with me?”

“As your trainee or date?”

“Neither. As my friend.”

“Are we friends?”

“Sure.” Dubious of this idea, I frowned. Saint grinned at my expression. “I didn’t say we were best friends.”

“Okay.

“I might feel you up, but don’t take it personally.”

This time he was definitely messing with me, so I rolled my eyes and looked at the traffic below. Saint studied me until I couldn’t ignore him any longer.

“What?”

“I knew you’d decide to stay with me. That was never in doubt, yet I’m still a little startled to see you here. Makes no damn sense, but there it is.”

I smiled softly. “Being here makes no damn sense either. My family thinks I’m nuts. Maybe I am, but I’m here anyway.”

“Yes, you are,” he nearly whispered.

We said nothing else for a long time and the silence felt good. I couldn’t explain why Saint made me stronger. He just did and I wanted more.