Damaged and the Saint (15 page)

Wallowing in self-pity took a lot of effort. Yet the entire world sucked without Saint nearby. Dad and Mom tried to give me hope by talking about having him over for dinner when he returned. I nodded, but a part of me didn’t believe he would return.

My days were spent with family. Winnie babied me a lot. Jace was less helpful. While I sat watching TV with him, he turned to me and rolled his eyes.

“You need to stop sighing or I’m going to scream.”

“Like your girlfriend screamed?” I taunted since he was my little brother and I had a duty to torment him.

“Maybe your crappy personality is why Saint ditched you?” he muttered since I was his big sister so he had a duty to make me miserable.

“Not cool.”

“Don’t mock my woman then,” he said, rolling his eyes again.

“She’ll eat you alive.”

“I’m bailing Ellsberg as soon as I’m old enough to drive. Disappear, change my name, go into hiding. You know, live in fear that she’ll find me and scream until I marry her.”

“Sounds like a solid plan.”

“I’m not kidding.”

“I know.”

Jace grinned then sighed with relief when a car arrived. “Winnie will help you stop whining. It’s her talent.”

“I love you very much, Jace,” I said, grossing him out. “If I don’t feel better when I return, I’ll expect cuddles.”

“I might need to go on the run sooner than I thought.”

Grinning, I left him to watch a baseball game. Winnie waited in the car patiently then gave me a big smile when I joined her.

“You look really beautiful,” she declared.

“I haven’t brushed my hair today. Why are you so happy?”

Winnie pulled the car away from the curb then headed towards Raven’s house for the girls’ weekly get together.

“Mom said you were still sad, so I thought I could help you feel better.”

“By rubbing your happiness in my face?” I grumbled, fighting a grin.

“That was part of the plan,” she said, smiling as we waited at a light. “I know you miss Saint, but he said he’ll come back, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So he’ll be back, right?”

“I guess.”

“Does he lie?”

“Everyone lies.”

“Do you think he was lying?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you think he plans to ditch you?”

“I would if I were him.”

Winnie pulled the car over and parked at the curb.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Why should Saint ditch you?”

Shrugging, I leaned against the door. “He was settling because he thought he’s too messed up for someone good. Now he knows he can control his demons, so why shouldn’t he find someone better?”

Winnie frowned. “Better how?”

“Don’t act dumb. We know I have my issues. I’m always saying no even when I want to say yes. I have a lot of hang-ups. I also want to live in Ellsberg, but he doesn’t like small towns. Why give up what he wants when he can find someone who wants the same things as him?”

“Maybe because he cares about you?”

“I guess.”

“I don’t know him, so maybe he’s not so great. Maybe you’re better off with him gone.”

I frowned. “Saint is fucking perfection, Winnie. He’s sexy as hell and really patient. He never loses his temper even when he wants to crush someone. He keeps his cool and never scares me. He’s also smart and funny. Like I said, he’s perfection.”

“And you suck?”

“No, but I’m not perfection.”

“Maybe he thinks you are.”

“I said he’s smart. So no, he doesn’t think that.”

“How do you know what he thinks? Aren't you just assuming because you’re in a crap mood?”

Crossing my arms, I grunted. “You don’t know.”

“What it feels like to be hung up on a guy who seems way too good for me? Yeah, I think I do. I still don’t know why Dylan puts up with my moods. Last week, I got spooked and wouldn’t leave the house even though we had plans to go to the movies. He didn’t get mad or ditch me. Dylan loves me even though I’m all messed up.”

“Saint doesn’t love me.”

“Do you love him?”

When I didn’t answer, Winnie forced my hand into hers. “You’re a fucked up person. There’s no denying that, but you’re also great in a lot of ways. Those ways might be perfect for Saint.”

“He said he would tell me stuff when he came back. Personal stuff like his real name. I believe he meant it when he said he was coming back, but he might see things better once he’s away from me. Like how he has more options than he thinks. He could see that I’m a dead end.”

Winnie sighed. “I don’t like how this guy makes you feel. Dylan made me feel beautiful and special. Saint seems to make you feel bad about yourself.”

“It’s not him. It’s just reality.”

“I’m messed up too. More than you. How come my man makes me feel good and yours makes you feel bad? I think he’s the problem.”

“Saint is perfect," I muttered, glaring at her for talking shit about him.

“Apparently not or he wouldn't leave you feeling so bad,” Winnie said, pulling the car back onto the road. “I hope he doesn’t come back so you can find someone better.”

I continued glaring at her. “There is no one better than him.”

“Whatever. I think he sucks.”

I rolled my eyes. “You don’t know.”

“I know you love him, but think he doesn’t love you.”

Losing the anger in my gut, I ached with the sick feeling of knowing Winnie was right. “Why would he love me?”

Winnie shrugged. “He must like something about you or else why did he put up with you for a week?”

I couldn't answer her question. Saint was amazing while I was average. Only his self-loathing made him think he needed to settle for me.

“I think he likes that you’re tough,” she said, turning into the subdivision where Farah and Raven lived. “He probably thinks you’re hot too. Men are very visual.”

“I guess.”

“Did he ever mention any particular part of your body he liked? Men are kinda obvious.”

“What did Dylan like about you?”

“Boobs, hair, eyes. Oh, and my lips. In that order.”

I smirked. “Showoff.”

“That's true. I’m happily married while you’re in love with someone who doesn't like you at all.”

Winnie started laughing, causing me to roll my eyes. “It’s not funny.”

“I was trying to pull a mind game on you, but I couldn’t keep from laughing. Sorry.”

“What was the point of your mind game?”

“To show you Saint sees stuff in you that you don’t see. Like he probably is thinking about you right now.”

“Thanks for trying to make me feel better even if it didn’t work.”

“I’ll ask the girls to help me. If we all gang up on you, that's bound to make you feel better.”

“Like with the intervention?”

“No, that was a dud. I blame Bailey and Raven. It’s just easier that way.”

“True.”

Winnie pulled into the long driveway leading to Raven’s yellow house. Once we parked, she turned to me.

“Saint wanted you right away. Training you was an excuse to spend time with you. He said he’s coming back. The guy is smacking you in the face with his feelings. It doesn’t matter if you think he can do better. He wants what he wants and a guy like Saint is probably used to getting what he wants. That’s my view on it and I’ll stop bugging you about it for today. I won’t get the girls to pick on you either. I’ll let it drop, but you need to accept how this man has feelings for you. You also need to admit you love him. Stop whining and grab your chance at happiness. If you don’t, I’m telling Mom and Dad on you.”

Laughing, I took a swipe at her hair. Winnie watched me for a minute then said the words on my mind too.

“If things work out with him, he’ll want you to leave Ellsberg.”

“Yes. Maybe not right away, but eventually. Small towns and Saint don’t mix.”

Winnie struggled against the urge to panic. I saw tears threatening to fall, but she took a deep breath and calmed herself. A year ago, my sister was a different girl until Dylan’s love made her stronger.

“I don’t know if I can handle leaving,” I said when she remained silent.

“You can handle it. Do you know where he’d want to move?”

“No. He only said he likes the anonymity of a big city. He grew up in a smaller place and his family remains there, but I don’t know details.”

Winnie smiled. “You will soon. He’ll return and feel safer without all those Memphis guys around. I know Dylan was tense with them here. Everyone was, but things will settle down soon. Who knows? Saint might come to dinner like we planned.”

I shared her grin. “I love the idea of him sitting at the dinner table with Mom, Dad, and Jace.”

“If he’s the one for you, Harlow, don’t mess things up because you’re scared. You can be brave in a fight, so be brave with Saint. Don’t give him up if he’s what you need.”

We climbed out of the car then hugged for long enough to get heckled by Raven and Bailey. They didn’t even open the door, instead yelling out the window. Winnie flipped them off, still resting her head on my shoulder. Bailey balked at the gesture and we listened to her fake indignation. Laughter followed from the other women until we realized our quiet moment was over.

With Winnie and my friends, I felt at ease in a world that scared me. I loved Saint, but wasn't sure he'd be enough to keep me strong if I left Ellsberg.

Arlo was the nicest evil fucker I knew and I’d met plenty of them. Guys like him hid their black hearts deep behind their Southern charm. I’d end up just as rotten inside one day if I hadn't met Harlow.

We stopped halfway to Memphis and ate dinner at a BBQ place with a sign of a pig eating ribs. Lenny and the other muscle sat at a table nearby while I joined the Memphis big dogs.

“What’s your verdict?” Arlo asked me after we ordered more food than an entire El Salvadorian village ate in a day.

“Dutch has a natural leadership vibe about him. He thinks about things. Watches people. Sizes up situations. Cowboy has a big mouth and acts like a playboy, but he puts it in neutral when it’s time to work. As for Shadow, I don’t think he said more than one word to me the whole time. He’s big and young and follows orders. I don’t know if you need more from him than that.”

“The twins?”

“Idiot frat boys with some growing up to do, but they aren’t running anything yet. The good news is they’re focused when they need to be. The better news is they’re no Cain and Abel. They have a natural alpha beta relationship, so you won’t have infighting. When their dad is ready to retire, those boys will be grown up.”

“And Cooper Johansson?”

I didn't hesitate, knowing Arlo might be suspicious of my loyalties when it came to Harlow's friends.

“Already ready to go. Kirk and his old timers are still around, giving advice. Cooper is smart to be building a younger crew though. Guys with allegiance to him and who will still be around for the next few decades. Tucker is an idiot, but he’s scary too. I saw the way locals are around him. If he moves too quickly, they flinch. He plays the crazy loose cannon to his brother’s smooth operator. Tucker knows his place too, so no brother battles later to cause you troubles. I’d say they’re solid as hell and you shouldn’t worry about them.”

Scratching at the back of his bald head, Arlo nodded. “I’m not getting any younger and these shifting dynasties unsettle me. I want consistency, so I'm relieved to hear the Reapers are solid. Maybe Dutch and his boys can fix my problems in Devil’s Hollow. I’m not looking for mess. I don’t want cops or turf wars. I want quiet so I can retire.”

I leaned back and remained silent until our food arrived. Knowing Arlo, he wanted to think about what I’d told him before digesting more information. A man like him sat in an office in Memphis and worried about thousands of moving parts all over his territory. With one rogue, idiot, or betrayal, his power could come tumbling down. Sometimes, problems needed to be cleaned up by a guy like me. Other times, men like Arlo spent their youths in luxury, yet their golden years in prison. He was hoping to avoid that trend.

“Didn’t expect to see you hooking up with a local girl,” Arlo said, signaling he was ready to chat again.

“It happens. Not often, but I guess I’m mellowing in my old age.”

Arlo grinned at the age thing. “Are you planning to pull the retirement move again and head out to some Latin American village to feed orphans?”

Cutting my steak, I shook my head. “I’m retiring for real this time. No more vacations.”

“Sure.”

“I’m starting a private security firm. Even have a few people I’ve met over the last few years who want to work for me.”

Arlo said nothing for a long time. I ignored his silence and ate my food.

“What about the orphan kids?” he asked rather than focusing on his own needs. We both knew he didn't care about orphans, only if I'd be around to help him.

“I’ll do pro bono jobs to help out widows and abused women running from asshole spouses. Heartwarming shit,” I said then added what he wanted to hear, “I’ll still be around to help out old friends too. I no longer want to spend all my time making people disappear. The sheen worn off that rose long ago.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, returning to his food. “Do you know where you’ll base this company?”

Playing things close to the vest, I lied, “Not yet. I’ll want to talk to those people to see where they’ll be comfortable setting up shop.”

“A man needs to build a life for himself. Good to see you finally got that memo.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I said, smirking.

“I’m fond of you is all.”

“I know. What I don’t know is how much you’ll miss Lenny?”

Arlo didn’t even look at me before answering. “No one will miss Lenny. A life wasted right there.”

I gave him a little head nod then tried my clumpy potatoes. Harlow said her mom made the best mashed potatoes. She also said her personal recipe included cheddar cheese. Ellsberg didn’t do much for me, yet acted as home to the person I needed to walk away from the darkness.

I awoke to another day without Saint. Without opening my eyes, I rested in bed for a long time and remembered him. The feel of his hands on my skin, soft at times, commanding at others. The rough tickle of his stubble on my neck when he kissed me. The little lines around his eyes when he smiled. Those perfect teeth nipping at my flesh. The sound of his dark rich voice. I missed every damn thing about Saint. He made me stronger and weaker than anyone I’d ever met. He was mine, but I feared I’d never see him again.

My fingers caressing my bare forearm, I pretended Saint was touching me. He always woke up in a great mood. My grouchy morning self improved quickly when I opened my eyes to that smile. Now I only had memories to soothe me.

Crawling out of bed, I cleaned up in the bathroom. The face looking back at me wasn’t fooling anyone. I felt lost and only Saint could help me find my way.

Wearing my giraffe pajama bottoms and a loose white tee, I was a sloppy mess. Jace glanced at me as I passed him on the way to the kitchen. He shook his head and returned to reading a book. Pouring a cup of coffee, I stared out the back window.

I heard my dad talking to someone on the back porch. Based on his tone, our visitor was a guy. When Dad spoke to mom or Winnie, his voice was soft, harmless even. With another man, his voice held an edge. It was funny to hear his voice fluctuate while talking to Winnie then Dylan. In fact, we often teased him about that stuff.

Since Dylan wasn't visiting, I sat at the table and let Dad have his privacy.

I thought about Saint while running my finger over the back of my left hand where he had a long thin scar. The white mark contrasted against the warm shade of his skin. I always wanted to ask where he got the scar, but never had the courage. Now I might never know.

“Harlow, are you up?” Dad asked, sticking his head into the kitchen. “Come out and join us.”

Feeling a mess, I didn’t want to talk to a club guy. No matter my feelings, I left my coffee cup and walked outside to play happy daughter.

“Have you met Bob Robertson?” Dad asked, giving me a weird smile.

Turning, I prepared to put on my fake smile. Then my breath caught.

“I came back.”

Saint was a vision before me. A dream I couldn’t believe was real. He wore a blood red tee and faded jeans with a pair of old tennis shoes. His dark hair was covered by a red trucker cap.

I reached forward to embrace him then paused and stepped back. Glancing back at Dad, I smiled.

“Can we have a few minutes alone to do inappropriate things you won’t want to see?”

Dad rolled his blue eyes. “Just keep it PG rated, okay? We don’t want Jace seeing anything that’ll scar him for life. Or get him talking about cooties again.”

Grinning, I waited until my father was inside the house before lunging for Saint.

“There it is,” he said casually while wrapping me into his arms. “I missed this bed head.”

“You came back,” was all I could think to say before my lips met his.

Saint didn’t respond with words. He stole my breath and three days worth of fear. I forgot where we were for the next few minutes. Hell, I forgot my own name. All I thought was, “Saint came back.”

Resting on the bench, Saint held me while stroking my messy hair. My fingers pushed off the cap and dove into his thick hair. I hadn’t even realized I’d straddled him until his hands grabbed my hips and held them still.

“We’re moving into R-rated territory,” he murmured before sucking at my bottom lip. “I don’t need your dad threatening me again.”

Pressing my hands on his shoulders, I pulled back and frowned at Saint. He grinned at my expression.

“If your daddy didn’t threaten me, what would that say about him?”

I lost my frown and nuzzled my lips against his neck. “I missed you more than is healthy.”

“Fuck healthy.”

Laughing, I nipped his earlobe. My lips skimmed his cheek before reaching his mouth. He kissed me quickly then cupped my face.

“You looked so shocked to see me.”

“I was.”

Saint lost his smile and sighed. “How could you think I wasn’t coming back when I gave you my mom’s number?”

I shrugged. “I have issues, okay?”

Saint caressed my cheeks. "You need to see yourself the way I see you. If you loved yourself half as much as I do, I wouldn’t see that look in your eyes.”

My gaze locking on his, I replayed his words in my head. He didn’t say he loved me. I only misheard him.

“Yeah, I said I loved you,” he said, reading my thoughts. “You don’t have to say it back. I’m not an insecure manchild. I can deal with rejection. I promise I won’t cry at all. You watch.”

Laughing quietly, I didn’t know what to do about all the feelings raging inside me. I only knew what words I needed to say.

“I love you too. I was a frigging whiny bitch the entire time you were gone,” I said then added, “As compared to being a cranky bitch like usual.”

“Did you sleep okay without me?”

“You know I didn’t,” I said, running my finger under his eyes. “You look tired.”

“Too many nights without my dreamcatcher.”

“I don’t know how to be in love. I can love my family and I can get close to my friends. The way I feel about you is scary.”

“You’re fucked up and I’m fucked up. Seems like we're too fucked up to work. Except together, we’re okay enough to get over all the fucked up problems we have.”

“That’s beautiful.”

“Thanks. They’ll be part of my wedding vows.” I stared at him and he stared right back. “Love, marriage, baby carriage. My mother will insist on those three list items.”

“But not right away.”

“Oh, she’ll insist on it happening yesterday. That doesn’t mean she snaps the whip and we jump.”

“I’m not ready to leave Ellsberg,” I said, breathing too fast when I thought of missing my family.

“For the time being, Bob will be residing at the Holiday Inn Express just outside of town with his woman.”

I grinned. “Bob Robertson?”

“You’ll get it in the minute,” he said, leaning forward to kiss my throat.

When I realized he was making fun of my dad’s name, I grunted my disapproval.

“So do I have to call you Bob now?”

“It's my name while back in Ellsberg. Have IDs to prove it, but you can call me anything you want, baby,” he said, giving me a wink.

My hips wiggled instinctively at the sight of his devious grin. Saint sighed and leaned his head back.

“I need to get you alone.”

Thinking of how casual Saint was with intimacy now, I decided to splash a little reality on our reunion.

“While you were gone, I was thinking about how comfortable you've become with me. I figured that maybe you ought to see if you can be comfortable with other women. Like date them and see if you find someone you like more.”

Saint pursed his lips and nodded. “Wouldn’t be a bad idea. I mean you're the first relationship I've had since Samantha. I really should experiment before I settle. Hook up with a bleached blonde. A sexy Latina would be nice too. Ooh, a hot black girl with some junk in her trunk. If that doesn’t work out, I’ll know you’re the one.”

After a moment of panic, I studied his face and realized he wasn’t kidding. “I’ll also experiment. I have the guy from church I can try rubbing up against.”

Wrapping thick strands of my hair around his finger, Saint smiled. “Have at it. Just be aware how any part of him that touches you will be sliced off by me. You tell him it’s not personal. Just something I do."

I snorted angrily. “So you get to fuck around, but I can’t or you’ll cut him up? How is that fair?”

“Hey, it’s your plan. Don’t be angry at me if you didn’t think things through.”

“What would your plan be?”

Saint settled back on the couch and stared over my shoulder. “I’m a simple man, so I have a simple plan. I wanted to come back to town, claim my woman, and play house here until she was ready to move to bigger pastures.”

“Are you sure I’m enough to be your woman? My trunk is lacking junk after all.”

“You got all insecure while I was out of town, huh?”

Holding his gaze, I nodded. Saint smiled softly. “With time, you’ll love yourself like I love you.”

His words sunk in until I could only shiver with relief. “I want to say it’s too soon.”

“All of life’s rules have exceptions.”

I smiled. “I love you too. If you hadn’t come back, I would have wanted to die.”

“So you came up with this bullshit in your head about fucking other people?” Saint asked, cupping my face and kissing me softly. “Do you sabotage yourself a lot or am I inspiring new behaviors in you?”

“It’s all you,” I whispered, relaxing against him. “You make me crazy and stupid.”

“Just as I planned.”

Saint kissed me casually. Acting as if he had planned everything out from the day we met in the woods to this moment on my family’s back porch, he hadn't a care in the world. Melting into his powerful arms, I decided to follow this man anywhere.