Crazy Maybe (8 page)

ANDI

I absolutely love Luke’s family – every one of them.  They have all taken me in with open arms and made me feel like one of them.  It’s been so long since I’ve had a family, my emotions threaten to get away from me and I have to find something to take my mind off it before I start crying and make a fool out of myself.  For all their problems, and every family has problems, none of them can really understand what it would mean to lose everything and be totally alone in this world.

I understand it all too well.  And that makes being here with Luke’s parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all the more bittersweet.  I’ve talked at length with every single person here, even with his brother Brandon, who is actually just a big softie even though he gives Luke hell.  I think everyone asked me, in one way or another, exactly what Luke was doing at the gym. 

When I explained the boxing career, what it takes to make a boxer, how much determination and grit a man has to have to even step in the ring, I could see them look at Luke in a completely different manner. 

After explaining it to Luke’s dad, Sam, I think he was actually fighting back tears and he looked so damn proud of Luke.  It makes me wonder if they’ve had words about it before but Luke wasn’t able to express his feelings or fully explain what all is involved.  In any case, I think Sam, and everyone else here, understands now.

Luke didn’t like it when I talked to Brandon, but I made sure Luke was beside me and he was included in the conversation.  Though I teased Luke about not getting caught with his brother, I would never actually betray him like that, even if “this” wasn’t going on between us.  Whatever “this” is.  For all of Brandon’s flirting, I don’t think he would actually betray Luke like that either, but I’m not sure Luke is convinced of that.

Sam grilled out an enormous amount of chicken, burgers and hotdogs.  Luke’s mom, Linda, made everything else and we all ate until we were overstuffed.  After we were all stuffed on Sam’s grilling, Linda brought out the birthday cake for Gran.  She insisted I call her Gran because she’s now adopted me as her granddaughter.  Gran’s presents started piling up on the table in front of her and she was beaming with pride.

Once her presents were opened and everyone had their piece of cake, I stole away from the table to get her gift from me out of my purse inside the house.  Luke had told me a lot about Gran over the past month we’ve been hanging out together, but I wasn’t comfortable giving her present to her in front of everyone else. 

I brought the small box to the back yard table where Gran was going back through all her presents and sat down beside her.  “Gran, I don’t have a lot of experience with this kind of thing.  If you don’t like it, it’s ok – we can go exchange it for whatever you want.  But after Luke described you to me, I thought you might like this.”

Gran’s eyes lit up when I put the box in her wrinkled hands and I felt Luke watching me from across the yard.  Somehow I can always feel his eyes on me.  He slowly made his way over to where Gran and I sat, curiosity gettin
g the best of him.  I suppress a laugh but Gran’s knowing eyes dance with mischief.  “That boy is in love with you, Andi.”

Dodge and deflect activated, “Open your present, Gran!”

She pats my hand, knowingly, and slowly removes the wrapping paper from the black velvet box, giving Luke time to get to us before she opens the lid.  She gasps when she sees the necklace inside and tears spring to her eyes.  The necklace is really simple, but I found it at a vintage shop and it is beautiful.  The charm is an owl made of silver and the body is set with small stones – a mixture of sapphires, emeralds and rubies. 

“Do you not like it, Gran?  It’s ok if you don’t – really – I will take you to exchange it for whatever you want.” 
Oh my gosh
– I’ve just made Gran cry at her own birthday party!  I couldn’t feel any worse if I tried.

Gran s
traightens her back and looks at me with a stern eye, “Don’t even joke about that, child!  I absolutely love it!  It reminds me of the one my mother used to wear – it looks exactly like her old one.”  Gran then grabs me and kisses me square on the mouth, like I was one of her kids and had always been.  Now I have tears in my eyes and I’m hugging her fiercely, like I’m almost afraid to let her go. 

But I do let go and when I pull back from her, I look up at Luke and I can’t read the look on his face.  Before I can say anything, Gran
nudges me and asks me to put the necklace on her.  She then proceeds to prance around the yard, making everyone look at her necklace.  I can’t help but smile as I watch her, she’s just so cute and funny.  Luke moves behind me, wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close to him.  He leans down so he’s right at my ear and he speaks softly, so only I can hear him.

“You are
the most
amazing person I’ve ever met, Andi,” and he kisses me on the cheek.  Brandon’s watching us from a few yards away and I can’t help but wonder if this is for show, to warn Brandon away from me.

But
this
– how he’s holding me, the tone of his voice, the sultry way he whispered only to me, and even the kiss on my cheek –
this
all feels like so much more than friends.  But he won’t say it and I won’t say it until he does. 

I want it – I want him.  I want the more-than-friends stage with him but I won’t push him for it so that he’ll just blame me for it later.  If he doesn’t come to that conclusion on his own, we won’t ever move past the friend stage, as much as it hurts me.  I don’t ever let the hurt show, though.  I’m sure he knows I’d love to have more but I won’t pressure him for it. 

I will gladly take our time together as friends, where I get to know the real Luke.  There is no one else I want to date.  Not that I dated much before he came along anyway.  But if he starts dating someone else, I will back off and let that be the end of any hope I have of us being more.  Until then, I’ll take all the time he will give me and love every minute of it.  Especially like this, when we’re with his family and having so much fun.

I hear Luke talking to some people a few feet away and he’s talking about me.  “Andi is a phenomenal singer.  You should hear her!  She can sing most anything and she plays the guitar and the piano.” 

They all turn and look at me with interest.  My eyes dart nervously from one person to another.  Surely they don’t expect me to sing here, at Gran’s party.  “Andi,” Luke’s smooth voice calls out, “sing us a song, sweetheart.”  The people around him smile and chime in their agreement.

“Umm, I don’t know about that.  I don’t have any music and I haven’t practiced anything….and this is Gran’s party.  That would be rude of me.”  I’m hedging and they all know it.

“I would love to hear you sing for me on my birthday, Andi,” Gran’s beside me again, smiling as she takes my arm in hers.  “Sam and Linda have an acoustic guitar you can play and sing for me.  Gather around, everyone!”  Gran calls over her shoulder to everyone and they all gather around us as Alicia hands me the guitar with a smile. 
Great…no pressure…..

I don’t think they would like most of the songs I sing at the club, so I pick a slow song by Halestorm that I’ve loved since the first time I heard it.  I can play it all on the acoustic guitar and keep it tame for Luke’s family.  Luke walks up with two bar stools and takes a seat beside me.  “This song is called
Beautiful With You
,” I say then start strumming the guitar strings.

This song is meaningful to me for several different reasons.  Guys frequently hit on me so I know I’m at least attractive.  But I’ve never felt beautiful – I’m sure it has everything to do with my childhood issues.  But I’m feeling more beautiful after spending so much time with Luke, and I don’t mean just in physical appearance.  I mean beautiful inside, where it matters the most. 

The lyrics to this song speak to so many things I’ve been through – being beautiful to someone else despite your mistakes and flaws.  Someone who understands you and knows the scars you carry inside and out, but only loves you more because of them.  That’s how Luke makes me feel and while I can’t dedicate it to him in front of everyone, this song was written to him by my heart.  Even if Lzzy did sing it first.

I purposely keep my eyes from locking on Luke’s while I am singing.  It’s already so obvious that I’m crazy about him so I don’t need to add to it.  But I feel him intently watching and I can see him in my peripheral vision.  Brandon moves directly in front of me during the song.  I half expect Luke to move his barstool to block Brandon’s view but Luke doesn’t seem to notice anyone or anything besides me.

Everyone claps enthusiastically and Gran rushes me, elbowing both Luke and Brandon out of the way, to give me the first hug.  One of the cousins bumps Luke with his elbow and Brandon sweeps in while Luke’s distracted.  I laugh and hug Brandon until Luke realizes what’s happened and pushes Brandon aside.  Luke wraps his arms around me for a hug, whispers in my ear, “You
are
beautiful,” and kisses me on the cheek.  I can feel my face heat up as I reply “Thank you,” because I don’t know what else to say.

Later, we say goodbye to Gran and Gramps, the aunts, uncles and cousins until all that’s left is Luke’s immediate family.  I walk to the back yard to start gathering the leftover dishes and start cleaning up.  I’d never leave Luke’s mom to do all this alone, especially after she was the one who made so much of the food for us.  After a few trips back and forth with loaded arms, I deliver the last load to the kitchen and walk back out to gather the garbage. 

The outdoor string lantern lights are lit, casting a soft glow across the yard and the lights are twinkling off the water in the pool.  It would be romantic if I had a boyfriend to share it with, but I only have a guy who is a friend, and who is still in the house.  I stop for a minute just to take in the whole backyard landscaping, getting ideas for my own yard, when I feel a pair of strong arms wrap around me from behind.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Luke murmurs in my ear.

Dodge and deflect activated again.  He hasn’t said it yet and he’s not going to trick me into saying it first.  “I’ve had a great time tonight with your whole family.  Thank you for bringing me, Luke.”

“My whole family is in love with you, Andi.  I’ve had to fight them off the whole time just so I can keep you for myself.” 

His words are so sweet and I could read between the lines if I really wanted to, but I’m sticking to listening to his actual words and his actions.  Until he says it and shows it, we are only friends and I will hold him to meaning exactly what he says – no double meanings accepted.

“Your family is great, Luke.  And they are all so proud of you and what you’re doing.”

With that, he turns me to face him before he speaks again.  “The only reason they’re so proud of me now is because of you, Andi.  Because of what you told them about boxing and what you told them about me.  They see me through your eyes now.  You have no idea how much that means to me.  How much I appreciate you standing up for me like you did today.”

I’m so overcome with emotion, I can’t speak.  I knew he needed someone to believe in him, but I saw firsthand today how he’s been alone in his dream.  Much like I’ve been alone in my life.  I reach up and gently stroke his jaw with my hand and he leans his cheek into my hand.  His eyes hold mine and even though I want – I desperately want – to read his feelings through his eyes, it could very well be only gratitude.  I won’t put my heart on the line for a simple case of gratitude, no matter how hard I’m biting my tongue right now to not say the words first.

Brandon saves me from biting my tongue in two when he joins us outside.  “Sure looks like more than ‘just friends’ to me, Luke.  You sure you don’t have something to tell us?”  The light teasing is evident in his voice, so it’s clear he’s not trying to start a fight.  He must know plenty about Luke’s commitment phobia.

Luke’s spine straightens at Brandon’s words and his muscles tense up.  He’s still looking at me but the adoration I saw just a few seconds ago has been masked.  I am so disappointed right now, I can’t even hide it so I lower my hand and look away from Luke.  He still hasn’t answered Brandon’s question, and I don’t think he plans to at this point.

“I guess I should finish picking up for your mom,” I hear the disappointment in my voice despite my best effort to keep it out.  I can’t help but feel like that’s the same as putting pressure on him – like in a passive aggressive way.  And that’s not my intentions at all, so I busy myself with garbage bags and picking up used paper plates, plastic forks and spoons, and paper towels.  I make efficient work of it and step around the side of the house to put the garbage bag in the can.

When I come back around, Luke and Brandon are locked in a heated discussion, both struggling to keep their voices low and only between them.  But I hear Luke loud and clear when he says, “I’ve told you we’re only friends.  Andi told you we’re only friends.  That’s all we’ll ever be so let it go, Brandon.  She’s not your concern.”

And just like that, my heart is broken.  I step back into the shadows of the house so they don’t know I heard Luke.  The time we spend together, the snuggling, the kisses, and the words he’s said to me – they’re only gestures for a friend.  Even though I’ve told myself over and over not to read into it, I guess my heart never really listened.  Apparently, I was more invested in him that I even told myself, because hearing those words come from him just ripped my heart out of my chest.