Crazy Maybe (10 page)

Around 8 a.m., I decide to go for a run and work off some of this frustration.  For every time I think of him or about how much his words hurt, I punish myself by running harder.  So, my run today has been pretty brutal because I can’t seem to stop the thoughts.  I know he’s at the gym right now working out and sparring but I couldn’t bring myself to go.  After two hours of running, I’m completely spent from pushing myself on so little sleep last night.  I do a cool-down jog back to my house, taking my time and enjoying the country view.

When I turn onto my street, my house comes into view and I’m both relieved and disappointed that his truck isn’t parked in my driveway.  To get my mind off my own problems, I decide to spend the rest of the day at the youth center before going to the club tonight.  The karaoke contest officially starts tonight and I’ve planned an elaborate set, so I’ll have to get there early to set up. 

When I walk in my bedroom, I see my cell phone on my nightstand and realize I never turned it back on this morning.  I power it up and when it’s fully loaded, I see I have several text messages waiting for me.  Sig
hing, I tap the icon and see they’re all from Luke.

But I don’t deserve you.

I wish I could say how I feel.

You still awake?

Sweet dreams, beautiful.

None of these make me feel any better.  Or tell me where we stand now.  He had no trouble telling Brandon we were only friends and would never be anything more.  That makes it hard for me to believe he couldn’t say we’re more than friends, if he really thought we are.   I have turned this over and over in my mind until I’m dizzy.  I shower, get dressed and head down to the youth center.  Helping the kids always makes me feel better.

I spend several hours today working with the inner-city youth.  The center offers many different services these kids wouldn’t normally have access to, like tutors for school, coaches for different sports, creative arts, music, computers and anything else we can get instructors to come in and teach.  Most of the kids love it and come here every day that it’s open. 

Shane and Will come down a couple of times a month to coach some of the older boys on boxing.  We have a strict policy on who is allowed in this program, though.  When the center first opened, a couple of boys signed up for boxing lessons only to go back and show their gang members and use it against other kids.  We learned quickly to be very selective of this program’s participants.  The only ones allowed in now are the ones who want to make it their career one day, who have never been in trouble and have no gang ties.  So far, our stricter policies are working well.

I close up the center and start the 45 minute drive home.  I haven’t received any texts or phone calls from Luke today and I can’t help but be disappointed.  Even though I know Mack has kept him busy all day.  I don’t want tonight at the club to be awkward, so I decide to send him a text when I get home.   He did send me several last night that I never answered and I kind of feel guilty about that.  Even if we’re only friends, I still wouldn’t ignore him like that.

When I pull in my garage, I send him a quick text that doesn’t have any hidden meaning.

Been busy today – bet you have too.  See you soon.

A couple of hours later, I arrive at the club to set up the stage for my song.  Luckily, no one else has quite an elaborate setting, so I have the back part of the stage to myself.  The curtains will hide my set up until it’s my turn.  I’ve set it up to look like a bedroom. 

The area is basically rectangular, so the bed is arranged catty-corner in the back left corner.  On the wall opposite the bed, there’s a small table with roses, a bottle of wine and a wine glass with a small amount of wine in it.  Luke will be dressed in all black and is playing the part of the death, who is seducing me as I sing.  The lyrics of the song fit the set up perfectly and with Luke’s amazing body, it’ll also be insanely erotic.

Right now, I’m wearing a simple, navy blue tank swing dress that flows easily over my curves.  It stops just above mid-thigh and adding my nude, strappy heels makes my legs look fabulous.  But this isn’t what I’m wearing during my show.  For that, I borrowed a button down shirt from Shane, and that’s all I’ll wear besides my black lace bra and matching silk panties.  I’m going for the full bedroom look, so I wanted to wear a man’s shirt like I just put it on after getting out of bed.  

I finish making sure everything is set up the way I want it, close the black curtains and turn to find Luke watching me intently from one of the tables.  His arms are folded across his broad chest and he’s wearing all black just as I asked him to.  His black Under Armour shirt is skin tight and I can see all his chest and arm muscles bulging under the material.  His black jeans fit him perfectly and his long, muscular legs are drool worthy.  He’s also wearing black boots that make him look even more badass than the scowl he’s giving me right now.

It’s still early so there’s hardly anyone here that doesn’t work here.  The crowd won’t be here for another couple of hours.  I keep my eyes trained on Luke’s as I make my way down the steps and walk towards him.  His eyes rake over me from my head to my feet, then again from bottom to top, and I see a flash of desire that’s quickly pushed down and replaced with more than a little hostility.  I decide to approach him in my usual manner and not let him get to me.

“Hey there,” I say warmly, “how was your day?”

He narrows his eyes and keeps his arms firmly crossed across his body, as if he’s completely blocking me out.  His response is short and curt; his tone holds a hint of challenge and suspicion.

“Fine.  Yours?”

“It was good.  Busy, but I got a lot done today so it was worth the time.”  I smile at him as I’m talking, trying to be as casual as possible.  He seems a little more tense than usual and I am really not up for a huge blow up after crying myself to sleep last night.

“Oh?  What did you do today?  Who were you with?” 

There’s no doubt that he’s suspicious and obviously thinks I was off with another guy.  Though why that would bother him since we’re
just friends
is beyond me. 

I take a deep breath and consider how to explain the youth center to him without opening up a lot of questions I’m not ready to answer yet.  I decide to go with the simplest answer that is also truthful, even if it doesn’t explain everything. 

“I don’t think I’ve mentioned that I volunteer at a youth center for inner-city kids in downtown Atlanta.  The boxes that were in my garage were donations for the center, so I took them down this morning, spent the day organizing and working with some of the kids that showed up.”

He looks surprised and relieved at the same time. “A youth center?  Really?”  This time his tone of curiosity isn’t also accusing.

“Yeah, I’ve done it for a long time now.  A few guys from the gym volunteer there, too.  They come in every couple of weeks or so,” I shrug my shoulders and say, “It’s as good for us as it is the kids.”

He doesn’t say anything else but the look he’s giving me now is completely different than just a few seconds ago.  He amazes me with how fast he can go from cold to hot and everything in between so quickly. 

He inclines his head and eyes towards my dress and asks, “Is that what you’re wearing for your song tonight?”

“Um, no, I have a change of clothes in the dressing room in the back.  Want to go grab some dinner with me?  I can show you around backstage when we get back.”  I’m kicking myself for asking him that.  I was going to state that I was going to eat but ended up asking him if he wanted to go instead.  Just great.

ANDI

This restaurant was such a bad idea.  The dark, intimate atmosphere is so not what I need with my
friend
right now.  That’s what he is – he confirmed it for me last night.  I had to ask if he would still be part of my act tonight.  Part of me really hoped he’d say no and make up some excuse.  It’s hard to see him and not want more from him.  Part of me was really glad when he said yes because it’s hard to not see him at all.  I’m so screwed.

Our damn waitress isn’t making things easier for me, either.  She can’t take her eyes off him and I swear she’s trying to slip him her number every time she walks by our table.  Her last attempt, during our salad and while refilling our drinks, really pushed me over the edge.  Besides just being damn brazen, it’s rude.  I’m sitting right here beside him at a restaurant that is not meant for friends or siblings.  I mean seriously, she knows we’re here together.  Even if we’re not
together
.

On her last attempt, I snatch the note from her hand and thank her sweetly before saying, “How sweet.  Bless your heart.”  Which, in this case, is Southern speak for
you are a complete dumbass.
  She got the hint and quickly left our table.  I scowl after her and crinkle the note in my fist before I realize what I’m doing.  I want to hold her stupid little note over the lit candle that’s sitting in the middle of our table and watch it burn to ashes. 

Luke is not even trying to hide his smile at my blatant act of jealousy.  “Something wrong, Andi?”  His cavalier attitude makes me want to tear into him but I know I must refrain from fits of jealousy, rage and insanity in public.

“Sorry about that.  That was just rude of her to keep doing that in front of me.  Here you go,” and I hand him the little slip of paper that has her name and number on it, along with a crookedly drawn heart. 
How ridiculous.
  He looks at the note in my hand then back to my eyes, obviously confused at my actions.

Luke quizzes me, “Why would you
want
me to have her number?”

It seems I’ve unintentionally showed my hand.  I’m not good with these damn games and I really just want to be honest with him.  I take a shaky breath and look down at the white linen tablecloth, apparently longer than I realized because his warm hand covers my hand, the hand that still holds the waitress’s phone number.  I look up and see concern in his eyes and remind myself it’s only friendly concern.

“Because you told Brandon we would never be more than friends.  So if you’re interested in her, I won’t stand in your way.”  I can’t even begin to describe how much that hurt to say it out loud to him.  But I’d rather get it all out now and get it over with than go another day like the last twenty-four hours have been.

“Let me guess.  Brandon called and asked you out so you’re ready to kick me to the curb, right?  Fine.  That’s just
fucking fine
.”  Luke is really pissed now and I have no idea what he’s even talking about.

I reply just as forcefully, “What the hell are you talking about?  Brandon didn’t call me and I wouldn’t go out with him even if he did ask me.”

This gets his attention and adds to his confusion, “You wouldn’t go out with him?”

Now I’m confused.  “No, I wouldn’t.  No offense to him - he’s a great guy and all….,”
but that would just be too weird since I’ve fallen for his brother.
 

He’s still unsure as he asks, “Then why did you say that?”

“Because I heard you say those very words to Brandon last night.  Outside, at your parents’ house.  I was cleaning up and I heard you when I came around the side of the house.  You were pretty loud, so I know I didn’t misunderstand you.”

I had no intentions of blurting this out to him – ever.  I’m really at my wits end with trying to decipher his male code to find out if he wants more from me than friends or not.  For most of the night, I really thought he was ready to take a chance.  But I felt like a complete fool when I heard what he said to Brandon.  If he only wants to be friends, I will be friends with him, but I can’t keep up this kind of relationship with him any longer.

And handing him that damn waitress’s number?  That just plain hurt.  So I know without a doubt that I couldn’t stand hearing about his dates like I do with Shane.  Shane and I talk openly about his dates and there’s not one bit of jealousy or hurt feelings.   I laugh at Shane’s exploits – he always has an interesting story to tell about his latest conquest.  Knowing that Luke would want that with someone else, but not with me, would be unbearable.

So, I’m sitting here uncomfortably waiting for Luke’s response.  He has to know he can’t deny saying it – I recited his words back to him basically verbatim.  I really fell for him too fast, so I can’t blame him for not feeling the same way about me.  I can’t be mad – I have no right to be, I
know
that.  I just don’t
feel
that.

When he doesn’t respond for what feels like an eternity, I feel the need to fill in the uncomfortable silence.  

“Look, we can be just friends.  You told me you’re not a relationship kind of guy and that hasn’t changed.  It’s ok.  After tonight’s performance is over, we won’t have to spend so much time together.”

The more I talk, the more it hurts, but someone has to say something.  All this time together hasn’t changed his mind and I refuse to be his friend with benefits.  Not judging anyone else – that’s just not for me.  I obviously get too attached, too easily, and too fast.  Otherwise, I could have wild monkey sex every night.  This is my curse, though.