Counting Stars (A Donnelley Brother's Novel) (30 page)

I’ve spent almost three
weeks here with Logan in his home and I’m really loving it. The
mountains—goodness—they are beautiful. I don’t know how we lived in
the city all those years. We were missing out on a lot of beautiful
sunsets and sunrises. I wish so deeply that you could be here to
see them, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that you’re not here
and you can’t be here. Since accepting your death, I’ve been
happier. I am appreciating the little things again, like the scent
of a flower, the shade of the underside of a leaf and texture of
soft blades of grass on the underside of my feet. My mind has been
quieter than it has been for the last year—all the turmoil is
resting and I can hear the song the birds sing in the morning, the
sound of the waves rolling over a riverbed, and the melody of a
strong heart beating beneath my ear as I sleep.

I am truly falling in
love with Logan. Every day that passes, I am falling deeper and
deeper in love with him. I am excited every morning that I wake
because I know he’ll be there when I open my eyes. My life is good
again, Derek. I know you’re happy for me. You’ve always wanted me
to be happy and I truly believe, with my entire heart and soul,
that you are happy for me now.

Over the last three
weeks, I’ve gotten to know Logan’s family really well. His brothers
are all so different from each other it’s hard to believe that
they’re even related (but they do love each other). Logan’s parents
are really something to look up to. They have this old school kind
of love that makes you feel a sense of calm I can barely explain.
Together, they’ve built so much and overcome so many hardships. My
relationship with Gracie is really good and it only gets stronger
with every day.

My life here is pretty
much perfect, Derek. I’m a very lucky girl. The only thing I feel
I’m missing is female companionship. I know I have Gracie (and I
love Gracie) but I wish I had someone I could talk to who was more
my age and who wasn’t my lovers mother. Goodness, I can’t believe
that this is what I’m complaining about. I should be thanking the
universe and whatever deity there is for the blessings I’ve been
given rather than complaining and longing for more, but I am. I
just wish I had a friend . . .

Looking down at my feet
dangling in the water of the little creek running through the
forest in Logan’s back yard, I sigh as the glimmering afternoon
sunlight catches the diamond on my left hand ring finger. I know, I
still haven’t found it in me to remove my rings. I should, but I
haven’t. One day I will—but that day just isn’t today.

A twig snapped behind me
and I jumped only to find Logan walking toward me. “I thought I’d
find you out here.”

“I couldn’t read
anymore.” I shrugged. “So I figured I’d go for a walk and I found
myself here.”

“You’ve found yourself
here a few times.” Logan sat beside me on the large, sunbaked rock.
“Without your phone.”

I winced, palming my
forehead. “Oops. Sorry, Logan. I completely forgot to bring it with
me.”

“You like to forget it,
Reese, but I worry about you when I can’t find you and you don’t
take your phone. You’ve never encountered a bear and I know you
wouldn’t know what to do if you did.” He fastened his gaze on me.
“Did you even remember to bring the bear spray I gave you?”

Again, I winced.
“Oops.”

“Reese,” Logan shook his
head. “Are you trying to make me stay home with you all day to make
sure you don’t get yourself into any trouble?”

“Would you?” I asked,
leaning my head on his shoulder.

He rumbled. “If I could,
I would. But seriously, from now on please make a conscious effort
to take your phone and the spray with you, alright?”

I nodded. “I’ll try. I
promise.”

He slid his arm around
me, tucking me into his side. “Thank you, city girl.”

“Are you always going to
call me that?”

“Probably.”

“But I’ve been here for
almost two months. Don’t you think that name is becoming
inaccurate?”

“Until you can remember
to bring your phone and bear spray, the name stays.”

“So, I just have to
remember that and it’ll go.”

“No.” He kissed my
forehead stubbornly and I grumbled a disgruntled reply.

“Not fair.”

“Life’s not fair, city
girl.” Logan mused. “That’s why it’s beautiful.”

The sun was streaming in
through the open bedroom window the next morning and I yawned as I
rolled onto my back to stretch. Startled, I blinked at Logan’s
empty side of the bed as I sat up, holding the sheet to my bare
chest. Logan was always with me when I woke. Where was he?

Glancing at the clock, I
was surprised to find that it was almost noon. We’d stayed up late
last night sitting around a fire, cuddling and talking about our
future, but I didn’t think I’d sleep until noon!

Obviously, I was
exhausted and Logan was being a gentleman and letting me sleep.
Slipping from between the sheets, I padded across the bedroom to
his closet where I tugged on a loose fitting t-shirt of Logan’s. I
didn’t bother fixing my hair or glancing in the mirror. I was on a
mission for coffee—mmm—Logan’s cinnamon coffee.

As I rounded the island
counter in the kitchen, I smiled at the glowing light on the coffee
pot. Logan must have just made it. Grabbing a mug from the
cupboard, I poured the coffee before bringing it to my lips.

I leaned against the
counter as I pondered going to find Logan when I heard a voice—a
female voice. “Don’t do this.” The woman pleaded. “Just hear me
out, Logan.”

I froze. Every bone in
my body felt as though they were made of brick. Ice crept through
my veins as I moved quietly, and slowly, to the window.

Her voice continued to
ring in my ears even after Logan spoke. “I don’t want to hear it,
Lexie. It’s over.”

“But it’s not. You never
would have let me in, made me coffee, if this was over.” I stared
down into my coffee with a sudden bitter taste in my mouth. “I know
the girl is here, but she doesn’t mean to you what I do. She
couldn’t.”

Logan didn’t reply and I
felt my heart shatter into what felt like a billion tiny shards of
glass. Why wasn’t he rebuking her silly comments? Why was he
allowing her to say these things? Why wasn’t he defending his
feelings for me? Who the hell was this woman?

She continued and
although I wanted to turn and run away, I couldn’t. “We were
together for years, Logan. Years. And before we were together, we
were friends. We went to school together, Logan. You can’t just
throw it all away.”

“I didn’t throw anything
away, Lexie. That was all you.”

“I said I was
sorry.”

“And I said I moved on.”
Logan replied to her high-pitched tone with a low one.

“Logan,” she sounded
desperate. “Tell me you’re not in love with me and I’ll leave.”

I waited for Logan to
say something for what felt like hours. When nothing but silence
sounded, I backed quietly away from the window before dashing
upstairs. Tears streamed down my face as my heart throbbed in
painful beats in my chest. It hurt so deeply, so sharply, to think
that Logan was in love with another woman. I was certain she had
been the reason for the pain in his eyes and the distrust in his
heart when I’d first met him and I wondered what she’d done to hurt
him so deeply, but I didn’t wonder enough to stick around and
ask.

Throwing all the clothes
I’d unpacked into Logan’s dresser into my pack, I pulled on a mint
colored summer dress and darted for the door. Swiping my keys from
the table beside the front door, I stormed outside.

By the time I’d thrown
the pack into my trunk, Logan was already running around the porch.
My eyes were filled with so many tears, I could barely see him as I
blinked rapidly.

“Reese!” Logan yelled
from the front steps as he ran down them, his bare feet kicking up
gravel. “What are you doing?” He caught my door in his hand before
I could close it.

“I’m done. I’m going
home, Logan. I was a fool,” I croaked. “I heard.”

He frowned. “You heard
what?”

“Nothing!” I screamed.
“That’s the problem, Logan.”

“What did I do?”

“Nothing.” I cried.
“It’s what you didn’t say. I heard you talking to that woman,”
glancing over his shoulder, I saw her standing on the steps. She
was pretty. She looked like a pixy with short blond hair and
pointed features. I looked nothing like her. “You’re in love with
her.”

“No.” He shook his head.
“I’m not, Reese. You don’t understand.”

“I don’t want to
understand, Logan.” I pulled on the handle of the door, but Logan
refused to release it. “Let go.”

“No.” He shook his head.
“Listen to me.”

“Logan, let her go.” The
woman, Lexie, called out to Logan as she stepped from the porch
onto the gravel. “It’s better this way. We can fix things.”

“Fuck off, Lexie!” Logan
yelled over his shoulder before training his eyes on me. “Don’t do
this, Reese. Please, I’ll beg. I’ll get on my knees.”

“I don’t want you to do
anything, Logan.” I tried to suck back my tears, but failed
miserably. “Actions speak so much louder than words. If you didn’t
love her still, you would have said it. You never would have let
her in.”

Logan’s ebony eyes
blazed and his fist shook as he clenched and unclenched it. “You’re
right, Reese. Actions speak louder than words, but I’ve been
patient with you and all your actions.”

“What are you talking
about?” I demanded.

“You’re talking about
actions that hurt, Reese. Well you haven’t even bothered to take
off your fucking rings! I haven’t said a thing about them even
though you’ve been spending every night in my arms.” His chest rose
and fell with angry breaths and I gasped. “I bury myself inside you
every night while you wear the rings another man put on your
finger.”

I lost it. “That man was
my husband, Logan!” I launched myself from the driver’s seat and my
fisted hands pounded against his chest. “He was my fucking husband,
you asshole!”

“He’s dead!” Logan
yelled back in my face as his hands caught my wrists, forcing them
down to my side. “Derek is dead and you’re with me. Move on.”

I froze. Staring up at
Logan, I realized that I had never in my life been so angry and
hurt. I was livid beyond livid. “I hate you!” Pulling my wrists
from his grasp, I climbed in my car.

Logan roared a strangled
sound as he slammed my door shut. I wasted no time in driving away.
Glancing in my rearview mirror, I saw Logan standing there with
tears in his eyes and my heart, already broken, rebuilt itself only
to break again. Or, that’s what it felt like.

. . .
Derek. Damn, I’m hurting so, so, so, baldly right now. I’ve
lost another man I love—but this time, it’s my fault. I should
never have continued to wear your rings the way that I have. I
never should have made love to him every night, and morning, and
day—when I wore my commitment to you on my finger. That was so
wrong of me, and never once had I taken a moment to consider how my
action might make Logan feel.

I’ve been driving for
hours and I’m almost home. Kat has no idea I’m even on my way. I
couldn’t bring myself to call her and let her know. But she’s the
only place I have left to go. As much as I wish I had a place to
run to, a place to call my own, a safe sanctuary, I can’t say I
regret selling our home. It just didn’t feel like it was mine
anymore . . .

The sun was high in the
sky by the time I pulled into Kat’s driveway. I had never been more
thankful to see Mason’s truck was gone than I was in this moment.
Glancing down at my phone, I saw that I had nearly thirty missed
calls from Logan, my voicemail was full and his text messages had
blown up my phone. Rather than checking it, I turned it off.