Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (6 page)

Q:
What happened to your child after the abortion?

A:
Although the Bible doesn’t specifically address this question, in principle you can know that your baby went to heaven. For example, consider the situation with King David, who was described as “a man after his [God’s] own heart” (1 Samuel 13:14). When David’s seven-day-old baby died, he said, “I will go to him, but he will not return to me” (2 Samuel 12:23). Like David’s baby, your precious child is in the presence of God—our just, merciful, compassionate God.

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for taking care of my child, who is living in heaven with You. I bring all my guilt and grief and lay them at Your feet. From Your heart of mercy I accept Your full forgiveness. Thank You, Jesus, that You are now in me to live Your life through me. You’ve given me a new heart, and You will heal all my heartaches. You’ve given me a new life that is cleansed, forgiven, and free. Thank You, Lord, for Your unconditional love. I choose to release my life to You so You can work Your will in me. I choose to rely on the Spirit of Christ living in me to guide me from this day forth. Lead me to love others as You love me. In the Savior’s precious name I pray. Amen.

When God is willing to forgive you but you are not willing to forgive yourself, realize you are setting yourself up as a higher judge than God. Because God forgives you, you can forgive yourself.

—JH

Jeremiah 1:4-5

Psalm 139:2-4

Luke 15:20

Acts 3:19

Mark 11:25-26

Psalm 30:11-12

2 Corinthians 4:2

Romans 8:1-4

2 Corinthians 5:17

John 8:31-36

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Anger, Decision Making, Forgiveness, Grief Recovery, Guilt, Hope, Identity, Marriage, Pregnany…Unplanned, Suicide Prevention
.

H
as your life been gripped by the agony caused by adultery? Has it been forever changed because of the snare of an affair? The “ditch of adultery” can cause countless lives—families, friends, even entire churches—to become mired in the muddy fallout. Marriage was God’s idea…and He designed it to be a lifelong covenant commitment. Adultery violates that commitment, for it is voluntary extramarital sexual activity between a married person and another person who is not his or her lawful spouse. Any impurity in marriage violates the law of God and grieves the heart of God.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral”

(H
EBREWS
13:4).

Those who walk through the door of adultery assume,
I won’t get caught…it’s no big deal
. They have no clue their wrong choices will reap severe repercussions even though the Bible warns, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows” (Galatians 6:7). Then after the affair they say, “What was I thinking?” How about…

— They focused on what they thought would meet their needs.

— They rationalized that God understands their situation.

— They blamed their marriage partner for their problems.

— They failed to look at the lifelong consequences.

— They assumed their mate would never change.

— They believed it would make them happy.

— They opened the door of compromise.

— They thought they wouldn’t get caught.

— They hardened their heart.

— They were lured by lust.

Q:
Why does anyone get involved in adultery?

A:
Typically people get into adulterous relationships because they rationalize their wrong actions as right. Then they indulge in selfish pleasures to the extent they develop a heart that is hardened toward the desires of God.

“All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the L
ORD
weighs the heart”

(P
ROVERBS
21:2).

Justification. Excuses. Rationalization. Those who have illicit affairs are quick to spin the truth in order to cover their tracks, yet this biblical proverb presents an eye-opening perspective: “The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out” (Proverbs 10:9).

Frequent signs of affairs are a combination of the following:

— Change in behavior

— Change in mood

— Change in spending patterns

— Change in schedule

— Changes in physical appearance: clothes, jewelry, cologne

— Less personal conversation

— Less vulnerability (sharing from the heart)

— Less discussion of future plans

— Less spontaneity

— Less sexual intimacy

— More out-of-town “business” trips

— More unaccounted-for time away from home

— More faultfinding

— More emotional distance

— More unexpected gifts (“guilt gifts”)

— More anger at being questioned

There are ten great reasons:

— Your Bible forbids it

— Your mate is wounded

— Your peace is forfeited

— Your health is jeopardized

— Your future will not be blessed

— Your morality is compromised

— Your children lose their hero

— Your conscience is scarred

— Your integrity is destroyed

— Your God condemns it

“The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity”

(P
ROVERBS
11:3).

Commit to follow this course on your pathway to recovery and find restored trust in your marriage. Becoming trustworthy before others is a signpost that you’re on the Road to Transformation and growing in Christlike maturity.

Confess the adultery and seek forgiveness from God and your spouse
. To put the affair in the past, the truth must be revealed for God to bring healing. “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

Commit yourself completely to your covenant partner
. Children are not the glue that holds a marriage together;
²
commitment to the marriage covenant is the tie that binds a husband and wife. “Do not break faith with the wife of your youth” (Malachi 2:14-15).

Cut all ties with the third party
. Affairs are not “okay” as long as no one knows. Like any other sin, adultery cannot be hidden because God knows, the illicit partners know, and in time, others will know. Ultimately, the affair will burn the participants. “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?” (Proverbs 6:27).

Choose where to place your thoughts when tempted
. People who have affairs can still love their spouses. It is possible to still feel a love for one person yet be infatuated with another at the same time. “Whatever is true…noble…right…pure…lovely…admirable…excellent…praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

Consider the difference between love and lust
. “How can it be wrong if it feels so right?” is the excuse many give. But love is not merely a feeling. The supreme test for determining if something is right is not how it feels, but what God says about it. If sin never felt good, no one would ever be tempted to sin. Love is a choice—for you to do what is best for another person, and for you to make a personal sacrifice. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).

Count the cost
. The excuse “As long as no one knows, no one will be hurt” is a myth. Adultery hurts everyone involved. Guilt and God’s judgment is brought not only upon one person, but both parties involved. Adultery destroys truthfulness, credibility, and one’s testimony. “A man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself” (Proverbs 6:32).

Communicate godly sorrow
. Admitting an affair doesn’t automatically make everything okay. The Bible says there is a vast difference between worldly sorrow and godly sorrow. Worldly sorrow is being sorry for getting caught. Godly sorrow is a change of mind with a change of direction that results in a change of behavior. Godly sorrow causes you to hate your sin so much that you turn from it and never turn back to it again. “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death” (2 Corinthians 7:10).

Continue to rely on God’s strength to help you resist repeating the sin of adultery
. After “coming clean,” it remains important to be on guard. Repetitive sin is often an easy trap because it’s familiar territory. The Bible warns against habitual sin: “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak” (Matthew 26:41).

“My world is gone…I feel so helpless, so powerless.” How typical these feelings! While you are powerless to change your mate, you are not powerless in the way you respond. Regardless of your spouse’s response—or lack of—you have the choice to find your significance and security in the Lord. Isaiah 54:5 says, “Your Maker is your husband—the L
ORD
Almighty is his name.”

Do use “I” statements to express your feelings
. If you are suspicious, don’t think bringing up the subject might put the thought in your mate’s mind. Discussing your honest feelings may relieve your thoughts, be a deterrent for the future, or be used by the Holy Spirit to convict your partner. Don’t attack; don’t blame. You could say, “I feel you are keeping something from me.” “I feel hurt your affection has turned from me.” “I need you to be totally honest with me.” Scripture tells us how to handle such an encounter: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over” (Matthew 18:15).

Do express your anger in a nondestructive way
. Anger is not always wrong. Anger is a natural response to hurt, injustice, fear, or frustration. But, “in your anger do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26).