Confessions of an Ugly Girl (17 page)

“Do you think he might be able to take a look at my computer?” Rich asked. “As a personal favor?”

The Computer Helpdesk guys are
not
supposed to help with personal computers and Rich knows it. But of course, Sam has helped me out with my own laptop a bunch of times and once he fixed Donna’s. Although that was at his home, not at work. And the truth was, I knew he wouldn’t mind.

“I could ask him,” I said.

Rich acted really happy and grateful. I don’t think saying no was an option. I hoped Sam wasn’t too busy.

I called the Helpdesk and naturally, Todd answered. I immediately felt my throat close up. I hadn’t exchanged any words with him since our awkward New Year’s kiss. I had hoped he’d somehow just disappear.

“Hey,” I said. I cleared my throat. “Is Sam around?”

I didn’t say my name, but I was pretty sure he recognized me. Luckily, he decided not to make things more awkward. “Sure,” Todd said. “I’ll go get him.”

I waited on the other line for a minute, humming the Beatles’s “Help!” to myself. I tried to hum quietly, considering my voice is embarrassingly out of tune.

“Computer Helpdesk,” Sam finally answered.

“Hey, it’s Millie.”

“Millie!” I love calling Sam because he always sounds so completely excited to hear from me. He’s friendly enough when he answers the phone, unlike some of the other guys who sound like they want to kill you just for calling, but he always sounds so elated to hear my voice. “What’s up?”

“Don’t kill me,” I said. “My boss brought his laptop from home and needs help.”

Sam didn’t hesitate. “I’ll come up during my lunch break.”

I felt all warm and fuzzy. Here he was, giving up his lunch so that he could make me look good in front of my boss. I’m so lucky.

I told my boss, who acted happy and grateful all over again. Honestly, I love having a boyfriend who’s a computer expert. In this day and age, it’s almost like dating Superman. Except when I’m a damsel in distress, it’s not so much that some super-villain has kidnapped me, but rather my internet connection has spontaneously refused to work. I know that sounds a little melodramatic, but I know I’m not the only one who’s been reduced to tears by a malfunctioning computer.

Sam came up to our floor and worked his magic on Rich’s computer. I don’t know what was wrong with the machine, but he was here for his whole lunch break, which I felt guilty about. Like I said, it isn’t his job to fix people’s personal computers. Rich bought him a ham sandwich from the cafeteria to thank him, which Sam looked slightly annoyed by. When you’re making a solid six figures, it’s worth a little more than a ham sandwich to give up your lunch break.

Sam made me promise that I’d go out to dinner tonight to make up for it. I offered to pay, but as usual, he refused.

(Don’t worry, I’ll pay him back after dinner. Wink, wink.)

January 12:

I’ve never posted about this, but I think about it all the time: Sam’s scars.

I have no scars. Well, there’s this faint scar on my knee from some glass that cut me when I was about 12. And I had my tonsils out, so theoretically there are scars there. But other than that, I don’t really have much in the way of scars. No huge slices across my chest or anything like that.

Sam, on the other hand, has a
lot
of scars. One is really old, from an appendectomy when he was ten. The rest are from when he got hurt when he was 17. I’ve asked him what they were at various times or he told me when he saw me examining them curiously. This is my count of his scars:

1) A pretty long one on the back of his neck from when they did some kind of fusion or something back there.

2) One on the back of his hip, from where they took some bone to put in his neck. (I don’t quite understand this, but nevertheless, there’s a small scar there.)

3) A pretty nice sized scar from when they cut open his belly. He said that’s something they do when you come into the hospital bleeding from somewhere and they can’t figure out where.

4) There’s a long scar along his right thigh, which was apparently broken and had to be operated on to fix it.

5) Also on his belly, a scar from a feeding tube he had early in his injury.

6) On his neck, he has a scar from a breathing tube he used to have.

7) Just barely below his hairline there are two little circular scars. I didn’t even notice them for a while, but apparently they’re from a halo brace that was screwed into his skull. Ouch.

To be honest, I find the scars very sexy. I’ve never dated a guy with so many scars before. When I look at them, I feel affection for him because he’s been through something terrible and he survived. He’s a better man for it.

January 16:

Donna and I have been skipping a lot of our Friday trips to the bar. I’ve been with Sam a lot and she keeps saying she’s tired. I miss hanging out with Donna, but when I’m with her, I miss Sam. Especially since he’s practically all we talk about when we’re out.

Donna and I decided we were definitely going to go out tonight, and Sam made plans to play poker with some of his friends. We got to the bar by around six and it was fairly empty, so we got our usual table. I ordered a Guinness and Donna ordered a Coke.

In the past, sometimes Donna has said she didn’t want to have a drink, but it occurred to me that the last couple of times we’d been here, she’d ordered a Coke. Not only that, but she ordered nachos, which is reportedly the food most craved for by pregnant women. 

“Are you pregnant?” I asked her.

“What?” Donna looked at me, startled.

“Why did you order a Coke?”

She didn’t even have to tell me. I felt completely sure. Finally, she admitted, “Okay, I’m pregnant.”

I feel bad saying so, but I was bummed. I’d been dreading Donna getting pregnant for a long time. She’s almost 35 though, so I knew it was coming soon. I want her to have a happy, healthy baby. I’m just worried that once she gets into the whole pregnancy thing, we’re not going to be able to be friends like we used to be.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

I felt like a loser. Who has to apologize to their friend for being pregnant? “Why are you apologizing? It’s great news. Congratulations.”

“Thank you.” Donna looked really guilty.

“How far along are you?”

“Eight weeks.”

Okay, eight weeks. So there would be seven months or so of Normal Donna before she had the baby and that was all she could think about anymore. Although I get the feeling that as she gets closer and closer to delivering, she’s going to become more and more baby-obsessed. “Great!” I said with what I thought was really realistic enthusiasm.

“I didn’t want to tell you because I knew how upset you were that your sister was pregnant,” Donna said.

Whoops. I forgot about how I had whined to Donna about Rachel’s pregnancy. Rachel being pregnant is more annoying though because now I have to hear about how wonderful it is every time I talk to my mother. Donna being pregnant... well, I could be happy for her. I could work on it, at least.

“I’m sure you and Sam will have kids soon,” Donna said.

“Donna, we’re not even engaged.” I have to admit, I’m glad that I have Sam. If she got pregnant and I were single, it would have practically killed me.

“Yes, but you know you will be soon,” she said. “I bet by this time next year, you’ll be pregnant.”

I was cheered by the thought of that. Of course, I try not to think about the fact that I’m not even sure Sam can have kids. Even if I didn’t use birth control, nothing Sam and I have done so far could potentially make a baby. The guy has to ejaculate in order to make a baby and Sam doesn’t do that. So I’m thinking getting knocked up might be a problem. That’s definitely not something I’m going to say to Donna though.

I’m afraid to ask Sam about it. What if he tells me he can’t have kids? Then what? I love him but I really want kids. My own, not adopted. I’d still stay with him, but it would definitely be a blow. Maybe I should just ask.

January 17:

I feel really guilty saying so, but I feel bad about Donna being pregnant. I’ve been bummed about it all day.

I haven’t written about having kids before, because it’s a sore subject for me. Even when I was fine with being single, I wasn’t able to be entirely fine with never being a mom. Now that Rachel is pregnant, my mother has been calling with daily updates on the baby kicking or having womb hiccups or whatever. I act cavalier about it, but suddenly I desperately want to be a mom. When I see a newborn baby, it’s almost unbearable.

I never wanted to be one of those women who got impregnated from a sperm bank, so back when I was single, I felt like I was never going to have a child. I acted all cheerful over the idea of being an aunt, but that was all a lie. I want to have a baby. I don’t need to have a zillion kids, but I want one of my own. One. Is that too much to ask for?

The fact that I want it so bad is one of the reasons I never brought it up to Sam. That, and he’s a man, so I figure it will scare him. If he’s unable to ejaculate, though, I don’t see how it’s possible for me to ever get pregnant. Unless he knows some secret I don’t know about, which is possible.

I know Sam loves kids. I saw how he was with his nephews. And he’d make such a great dad. He’s patient, he never yells, and he’s very affectionate. Don’t laugh, but I’ve fantasized a bunch of times about having a baby with him. I had a dream about being pregnant and him lovingly hugging my big belly.

(Yes, I am weird.)

I’m being ridiculous. I just need to ask Sam about this. We’re supposed to be open with each other, so I’ll just ask. That’s all.

Simple.

January 18:

I wasn’t sure how to ask Sam if he thought he could have kids. It’s an odd thing to say. We were lying in bed after dinner tonight, talking about the movie we’d just watched. There was no natural lead-in. How do you go from talking about a movie with pirates to asking your boyfriend if he’s infertile?

When there was a pause in the conversation, I said, “By the way, my friend Donna is pregnant.”

“Hey, that’s great,” Sam said. “Tell her congratulations from me. Unless she doesn’t want anyone to know yet?”

“Um,” I said. “It’s not a secret or anything.”

“Wonderful,” he said. “Or
mazel
tov
, as your people say.” He grinned adorably. “Right?”

Okay, I couldn’t stand it another minute.

“Sam, can you have kids?”

He looked surprised. “What?”

I wished I could take back the question, but it was too late. Time to just go for it. “I mean, you can’t... ejaculate. So...”

Sam raised his eyebrows at me. “I don’t ejaculate, but that doesn’t mean I
can’t
.”

“You can?” Why didn’t I know that until this minute?

“In a doctor’s office, yeah,” he said, his ears growing red. “With electrical stimulation. I got myself checked out a little while ago, to see if I could ever have kids. My sperm count is still in the normal range.”

“Oh,” I said.

“So in answer to your question,” he said. “Yes, I could get a woman pregnant. Maybe not the traditional way, but I could do it.”

“Oh,” I said again. I was embarrassed, but also relieved and glad that I asked.

“Why do you ask?” he said playfully. He rolled over to face me.

“Um, well,” I said. “I think it’s good that you can have children with... you know, whoever you...” Ugh, I’m so not smooth. Sam looked at me like he was about to burst out laughing. “Anyway,” I summed up. “You know.”

Sam laughed but then wiped the smile off his face and got very serious all of a sudden. “Millie,” he said. “You know I want to marry you, right?” I started to say something and he wouldn’t let me. “I’m not proposing, I’m just making sure you’re aware of that fact.”

I nodded.

“I don’t want to rush you though,” he said. “If you say yes to me, I don’t want there to be a doubt in your mind. Because there isn’t a doubt in mine.”

I wanted to tell him there wasn’t a doubt in my mind either, but somehow I couldn’t. I love him, but getting married is a big deal and Sam is... well, there are issues. Obviously. In the back of my mind, maybe I’m not 100% sure. And I know the last time Sam bought a ring for a woman, he had to return it. So I don’t blame him for wanting to be sure I’m sure. It must have been awful for him to put himself out there like that and then get shot down. I’m guessing he doesn’t want to go through that again.

“Come here,” Sam said to me. I rolled over to face him and he kissed me. “I love you,” he said. I told him I loved him too and we kissed until we both fell asleep.

January 20: