Confessions of an Ugly Girl (16 page)

But that’s silly. Sam loves me. If he didn’t want to be with me, he wouldn’t.

Anyway, the next morning was Christmas and
presents
. Am I the only 33-year-old in the world who gets extremely excited by the idea of presents? It’s especially perplexing considering I never get any good presents. Somehow, I manage to keep the hope alive.

There were tons of presents under the tree. Sam had bought presents for everyone and just put my name on them, reasoning that I would have no idea what to get anyone. I wished he’d let me chip in, but naturally, he didn’t. “They’re
my
family,” he said.

What was really touching is that everyone bought presents for
me
—not stuff for Sam that was labeled “Sam and Millie,” but actual presents under the tree with my name on them. Brad and Nina got me a really lovely scarf... not the warm kind that’s useless in California, but something silky and pretty. Eric and Alicia got me a gift certificate for Amazon, which they were slightly apologetic about, but Eric said he didn’t know what I’d like and he didn’t want me to have to lug some heavy statue across the country. And Sam’s parents got me this really pretty and expensive-looking blank book to use as a diary. It spooked me. Sam doesn’t know about this journal, but for a minute I worried maybe he did.

Sam didn’t leave his present for me under the tree, which of course, meant that it was small and expensive. When Sam went to get it, his mother’s eyes shone and she whispered, “I bet it’s a ring!”

She looked more excited than I did.

Alicia said, “It’s not a ring, Mom. He’s not going to give her a ring in front of everyone.” She added in a meaningful voice that made everyone feel awkward, “What if she says no?”

Alicia, of course, was right. When Sam came back with a wrapped package that was too big to contain a ring, I could see Jean’s face fall. Once again, I felt that same mixture of relief and disappointment. The present ended up being a white gold bracelet with diamonds on it that looked so expensive, I was scared bandits would chop my hand off immediately if I wore it on the street.

“I know you don’t wear much jewelry,” he said. “But I thought you’d like this. For special occasions, okay?”

Sam’s sisters-in-law both looked really jealous as I put the bracelet on my wrist. (He looked like he wanted to put it on me but there’s no way he could have managed that tiny clasp.) I have to admit, I’m not into jewelry, but that bracelet was really beautiful. It made my whole arm look pretty. I know I said that 50,000 people are injured each year by jewelry, but I’m willing to take the risk.

It was snowing a lot that day, so everyone stayed inside and we did fun indoor activities like roasting marshmallows. I’ve never roasted marshmallows before. I don’t think any marshmallows have ever been roasted in California.

This morning we headed out early to catch our flight. There was a
lot
of snow on the ground, and it was all wet and slippery, which made me terrified about driving. Sam seemed equally terrified. He kept looking quickly from the window to my hands on the steering wheel, as if he wasn’t sure where his attention was needed most. “You’re doing fine, Millie,” he said, not sounding like he believed it.

“This is really hard,” I said, as the car skidded into a stoplight.

“Yeah, well, now you know how I broke my neck,” he said.

I looked at him in surprise. “Is that how it happened? Snow?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I skidded off the highway and slammed into a tree.”

“Wow,” I gasped. “You could’ve died…”

“I almost did,” he said quietly. “I remember waking up with a tube down my throat, and my mother was sitting by my bed and sobbing. I really thought it was the end.”

If he had died that night, where would I be now? I’d still just be an ugly girl, destined to be alone forever. I wouldn’t have anyone to kiss good night or curl up next to when I sleep. I’d have nothing.

I felt a sudden overpowering rush of affection for Sam. I reached over to put my hand on his shoulder, but then he yelled, “Millie, the light’s green! Eyes on the road!”

I did my best to keep the wheels on the road. I figured after all he had been through, I could at least try to spare him another horrible car wreck.

When I saw the signs for the airport, I felt intense relief. I managed to make it to the car rental place and Sam had to pretty much pry my fingers off the steering wheel. He joked about it, but he was shaking too. He kissed me on the mouth. “You did great, Millie,” he said. “Now let’s never let you drive in the snow again.”

I laughed and hugged him. His body felt so warm and comforting in the cold car. Every day, I love him a little bit more.

JANUARY

January 1:

Happy New Year everybody! But please, be quiet... I am majorly hungover. I haven’t felt this terrible since college.

We went to a party last night. It was thrown by a guy from our company named Stephen. I’ve been at the company ten years longer than Sam, but somehow he already knows more people than I do. He said that he sometimes plays poker with Stephen and some other guys on the nights when I go out with Donna. “He’s a huge nerd,” Sam warned me.

“More than you?” I teased.

Sam made a face at me. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. At least I’ve never dressed up like an elf.”

(I didn’t know what he was talking about. And I didn’t think I wanted to.)

Sam’s friends Dave and Annie picked us up so that we could drink recklessly. Annie was going to be the designated driver of the night, since she was apparently pregnant. (Why is everyone freaking pregnant?) Sam and I had dinner beforehand, and he was dressed up nice and looked, I must admit, incredibly handsome. Part of me wanted to tell him to forget the party and go back to his place to just fool around.

On the ride to the party, we got to talking about New Year’s resolutions. Annie said her New Year’s resolution was to eat healthier. Dave said his New Year’s resolution was to go to the gym once a week. Sam said that New Year’s resolutions were dumb and refused to come up with one.

I sort of agreed with Sam. I read a study that only 12% of people stick to their New Year’s resolutions. But the New Year’s resolution with the greatest chance of success was “to enjoy life more.” So when it was my turn, I said, “My New Year’s resolution is to enjoy life more.”

Sam beamed at me. “I like that. That’s my New Year’s resolution too.”

I guess the two of us are going to enjoy life this year.

Stephen lived on the second floor of a three-story building, which thankfully looked like it had an elevator. Dave and Annie took the stairs while I waited with Sam. It was one of those old elevators that seemed like it was mostly just for deliveries, where you had to manually open the outer door in order to get inside. Everybody was going past us to take the stairs, but we didn’t have much of a choice. The door looked like it weighed a thousand pounds, and Sam was having a lot of trouble getting a good enough grip on the handle. He laced his fingers into the handle and he just couldn’t get it open more than a couple of inches. “Goddamn it,” he said after his fifth unsuccessful try.

Finally, I grabbed the door and opened it. I know Sam hates it when I help him, but it was just hard to watch him struggling with the door like that. I wasn’t sure what was worse: watching him struggle or the look he gave me when I helped him.

We made it upstairs in one piece (barely—that elevator was sketchy). We could tell where the party was by all the noise coming from inside and the empty beer bottles stacked outside. It really did remind me of a college party. A guy opened the door for us and immediately recognized Sam, “Hey Sammy, you made it!”

“Hey, Stephen,” Sam said. “Do you know Millie?”

“Of course!” Stephen said, even though I was pretty sure I’d never seen him in my entire life. “Hey, Millie!” He winked at Sam. “Nice job, man.”

I shook Stephen’s sweaty hand. I have to admit, Stephen was what I’d think of when I’d imagine a stereotypical nerd. First, he was really overweight. Yeah, I’m overweight, but this guy was definitely obese. And the stained T-shirt with some horrible programming language joke on it wasn’t doing him any favors either. Also, he had long hair that was tied in a ponytail. I absolutely hate long hair in men and I’m grateful that Sam keeps his hair cut very short. The long hair would have been bad enough, but he was also balding. Long hair plus balding... such a bad combination.

We went over to the punch bowl to get a drink. After interacting with Stephen, Sam was looking all that much cuter. I couldn’t believe we were going to be stuck at this party for at least another two hours until midnight.

I glanced around the room, seeing if I recognized anyone. A few faces seemed familiar from the office, but there were very few names I could attach to the faces. The only person I recognized for sure was Todd the Troll from the Computer Helpdesk. He was standing in the corner, wearing a black T-shirt and jeans that were falling down, drinking a beer. I could see droplets of beer glistening in his round beard.

“Todd is here,” I blurted out.

Sam glanced in the direction of his colleague from the Helpdesk. He waved at him, and Todd waved back, but thankfully didn’t come over

“I hope Todd hooks up tonight,” Sam said, glancing at his friend. “He’s had a rough year. Poor guy.”

I wondered if there was any chance of that. Probably about as good as my chances if I hadn’t been here with Sam.

We each poured ourselves a glass of the punch. I took one sip and my entire throat burned. This punch was at least 90% vodka. I looked at Sam, who was coughing. “Jesus,” he said. “This stuff is high octane.”

“If we drink one glass of this, we’re going to be wasted,” I said.

He grinned. “Bottoms up.”

At any given time, 7% of the world’s population is drunk. Two glasses of punch later, we were both solidly within that 7%. Neither of us are big drinkers and this was the first time we’d ever been
really
drunk together. It was... interesting. Sam gets horny when he’s drunk. We went into a far corner of the room and he pulled me into his lap and started kissing me and touching me like we were the only people in the room. He had his hands in places they definitely should not have been in public, but I was drunk too and wanted him just as bad. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We were making out like the ship was going down.

It didn’t even occur to me what a spectacle we were until I noticed a couple of guys next to us staring and snickering. I heard one of them say, “Hey, look at that.”

Even though I was drunk, I felt embarrassed. We were kind of a freak show: the really ugly girl and the cripple making out. I felt self-conscious all of a sudden and pulled away.

“What’s wrong?” Sam asked, looking up at me with bleary eyes.

“Um,” I said. “Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this with... you know, so many people around.”

“Oh,” he said. He thought for a second. “Do you want to find a room?”

We found the coat room. I sat down on the coat-covered bed and Sam wasted no time spreading my legs apart under my dress. He lowered his head and started pulling my panties down with his teeth. I couldn’t believe he was about to go down on me in the coat room of a big party. Any second, someone could have walked in. It was so hot, it was unbelievable.

I only had about a minute of bliss before we heard the doorknob turning. I quickly sat up and covered my bare bottom with my dress, just in the nick of time.

It turned out to be Stephen. “Hey, you guys,” he said in a mischievous voice. “What are you up to in here?”

“What is it?” Sam asked, a little irritably.

“We’re all watching the ball drop in Times Square,” Stephen said. “I’m rounding people up.”

“That already happened like three hours ago,” Sam pointed out.

“You coming or not?”

Actually, the truth was, I was really excited about having someone to kiss at midnight. I don’t think I’ve ever had a boyfriend at New Year’s before. It seems so romantic to kiss someone at the end of the countdown. So even though Sam wanted to stay in the bedroom, I convinced him to go out to watch the ball drop. Even though it already happened like three hours ago.

The second we got into the living room though, Sam winced and touched his forehead. I frowned at him in concern. “Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he mumbled. “Just… I think I had a little too much to drink. Give me a minute, okay, Millie?”

He wheeled off in the direction of the bathroom. I was worried, but even more than that, I recognized there were only five minutes left until midnight. So much for my New Year’s kiss. Maybe next year.

I grabbed another beer and sat on the windowsill. Maybe Sam really just needed a minute and he’d be out before midnight. I kept my fingers crossed.

When there were about two minutes left to go, I noticed somebody sit down next to me on the windowsill. I looked over and saw none other than Todd the Troll. I cringed internally.

“Hi, Millie,” he said.

“Hey,” I mumbled.

Todd squinted at me. I had a feeling he’d had a little too much of the high-octane punch as well. “Where’s Sam?”

“Bathroom.”

Todd looked in the direction of the bathroom to confirm that there was no sign of him. “Good,” he said. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“About what?”

(If he had another riddle for me, I swear I was going to push him out the window.

“I made a huge mistake, Millie,” he said in a low voice.

I glanced down at my watch. There was no way Sam was going to make it out in time. “What mistake?”

Todd didn’t say anything. I heard on the TV that they had started counting down from ten. I was officially not going to have anyone to kiss at midnight. Oh well.

Ten, nine, eight...

“Millie…” Todd said as I took another swig of my beer.

Seven, six, five, four…

I felt Todd tug the beer out of my hand. I didn’t want to give up my beer, but the whole thing was so weird that I just let him do it. He took a quick drink from my bottle, then put the beer down on the windowsill.

Three, two, one…

And then Todd was kissing me. I felt the bristles of his round beard scraping against my face, and oh my God, even a little bit of tongue. I allowed it to happen for about five seconds before the horrible realization of what he was doing hit me and I shoved him away.

“Todd, what the hell?” I almost screamed at him.

“Millie,” he murmured. “I
had
to do that. I’ve been wanting to do it for five years, and I was too scared or too stupid to ask you out. I deserved to lose you to Sam.”

“Oh my God,” I muttered, shaking my head. I felt like I needed to disinfect my mouth with bleach. I took another drink from my beer, then remembered that Todd had drunk from it too and almost spit the beer out.

Todd looked up at me with sad brown eyes. “I just had to take a chance tonight. I never would’ve forgiven myself if I didn’t.”

I looked up at Todd. I wasn’t attracted to him the way I was to Sam, but on the other hand, he wasn’t awful. If this had happened a year ago, I might have agreed to go out with him. In any case, it was flattering that a guy,
any
guy, had pined over me for five years. It seemed a little hard to believe, like maybe this was all some elaborate joke he was playing on me.

“Hey, Millie.” I looked up at the sound of Sam’s voice. He was out of the bathroom and seemed a lot better. His face wasn’t flushed anymore and his eyes were clearer.

“Hey,” I said. I glanced over at Todd, who was intently reading the label on his beer bottle.

“Hey, Todd,” Sam said. He smiled benignly. “Not trying to steal my girl, are you?”

He said it like it was a joke, but there was an undertone to his voice. Obviously, he already knew that Todd had a thing for me. But he had to know that I would never leave him for Todd. That would be crazy. Todd was so... ugh.

Then again, Todd could walk and Sam couldn’t. Some girls might be tempted to make a different choice.

“Of course not!” Todd sniffed.

He grabbed his beer and stalked off to another corner of the room, where people were still gathered around the TV. Sam gave me a weird look, but I just shrugged. I wasn’t about to tell him what happened when he was in the bathroom.

In any case, I didn’t get a kiss at midnight. But I did get to make out for about 15 minutes after midnight. And that was very nice indeed.

January 8:

I’ve mentioned before that my computer skills are not exactly stellar. These days, when my computer breaks, I don’t even attempt to fix it anymore because I know Sam likes helping me.

He still works at the Computer Helpdesk, although his primary job is to tighten up the company’s security systems. That’s what they pay him the big bucks for. But I think he actually likes working at the Helpdesk. I asked him once how he could tolerate so many stupid questions all day and he teased me with some of the stupid questions I’ve asked him over the last few months. Hey, I never said I was any kind of computer genius.

Today, my boss Rich called me into his office. I thought it had something to do with the project I was working on, but instead he had a laptop sitting on his desk and a frustrated look on his face. He asked me how I was doing and I knew he was somehow leading into something, although I wasn’t sure what. I told him I was fine and asked him how he was doing.

“Not good,” he told me. “I just bought this laptop for home and I’m having some issues with it.”

“Oh,” I said. I had a bad feeling.

“Millie,” he said. “Are you still… um, seeing Sam?”

Awkward, so awkward. “Yes…”