Compulsive (Liar #1) (21 page)

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I pounded on the door forcefully, the pain of rejection gaining
momentum with every second.

“Don’t hate me,” I said when the door flew open
presenting a startled Nathan and music playing in the background. I’d seen that
expression before when I’d arrived unannounced and he’d been
entertaining
.
It was the last thing I needed at the moment.

“Gray? What’s wrong?” He tossed a hand through this
hair and a quick glance over his shoulder before turning his culpable
expression back to me.

My stomach churned with humiliation. “Uh…I’m sorry I
didn’t call first. You know, it’s not a big deal. I can come back if this is a
bad time.”

“No…no, it’s fine.”

Footsteps sounded before a hand appeared above
Nathan’s on the door, pulling it wider. “Hey, baby. Good to see you again.”

My mouth rounded as my eyes narrowed at Nathan. He in
turn shot a look at Kevin. “Seriously?” I said to him.

Kevin smiled, and then head bobbed between the staring
war going on between Nathan and me. “Well, I can see you two need to talk. I
was about to head out anyway.”

He squeezed by Nathan and brushed against me as he
stepped into the hall. “Sorry we couldn’t make it happen the other night,
sweetheart,” he said softly before walking away.

A slow blink and light head shake told Nathan what I
thought.

“Are you coming in or not?”

“Obviously, we have more to talk about than I
planned.”

Inside, I eyed the open beer sitting on the kitchen
counter. At least I’d only spotted one. Nathan went to the fridge and pulled
out a bottle of iced tea, handing it to me without a word. I didn’t fight the
smile that played at my lips from the familiar gesture. We’d spent many
occasions on his couch, me with a tea and Nathan chugging a massive energy
drink, wishing they were cocktails. A few of those times were after a night of
cocktails, but who’s counting.

He wore a white undershirt that hugged his well-built
torso, along with a spotless pair of white pants. His chef’s jacket hung from a
hanger on the back of a chair. “What time do you have to work?”

“Three.”

Before his ass hit the cushions, I was on it,
struggling to keep the frustration from my voice. “So, is this a guy thing…or a
brother thing? Because either way I’m not sure I get it.”

“I know that’s not what you came to talk about.”

“You kicked his ass because of me. Now you two are over
here like you’re best buddies having a sleepover.”

He chuckled. “He came to apologize. What could I do?
He’s still my brother.”

“What can you do? Um…in your own words, how about
‘stay strong’ like you told me?”

“I know. My eyes are open, Gray. But he told me some
things today. And I think this time he might be trying to change.”

I reached over and placed my hand over the top of his.
“Please…be careful. I mean, you don’t know for sure. It could all be bullshit.
What if he’s just playing you? Trying to pull you in.”

He picked up my hand in his and rubbed it before
pulling me into him. “Don’t worry.” His confident words told soothingly into my
ear didn’t alleviate my concern. “When it comes to my brother, I won’t take any
chances.”

“Famous last words,” I said, pulling back away.

“Hey, trust me…you’re important to me. I won’t let him
hurt you. Now, tell me why you’re here.”

My hands fell to my lap, and I stared down at them.

“What’s the matter? You and Dr. Loverboy have a
fight?”

My gaze traveled up to meet his, the answer evident
inside it.

“Shit, that’s it.” He sighed and turned his body forward
before looking back to me, pain coloring his dark brown eyes. “You’ve really
got a thing for this guy?”

“I…I’m sorry. You know how much I care about you,
Nathan.”

“Right…just not as much as the good doctor.” The
flippant tone couldn’t hide the hurt. “What happened? He leave you all alone on
his shrink couch after he took advantage of you?”

In a nutshell
. My eyes watered. I rested my
elbow on the back of the couch and stuck my chin in my palm, focusing on
keeping my breathing steady.

Nathan shifted his body back in my direction. “Shit,
Gray. What can I say? I’m fucking jealous. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s mine, obviously.”

“What’s obvious is he’s an idiot. What’s the problem?”

“The usual. Boy meets crazy girl…”

“If you say he thinks you’re not good enough for him,
I’ll beat his ass worse than what I gave Kevin.”

I squinted and grinned, thankful I had Nathan to keep
me sane. Without him, I might have gone through with what I’d threatened Daniel
with. “It’s not that, exactly. It’s like he’s afraid of something, but he won’t
come out and say it. And he thinks I see him as some sort of hero or savior, so
I’m not able to trust my own feelings. I think part of it is that he’s worried
I’m reacting to my past. Trying to hide or mask the pain or something.”

“Oh…you’ve never done that before.”

I shoved his shoulder in mock irritation. “That’s
helpful.”

“Did you ever think it’s possible he’s right?”

I shot him a warning, but he continued, more
determined. “Think about it. At least with us, we’re on the same playing field.
We have a connection based on similar life experiences, situations…” A sexy
grin formed on his lips. “Mutual sexual attraction. He’s not like us, Gray.”

I closed my eyes, not wanting to hurt him, but at the
same time craving the comfort he always provided. The back of his fingers
brushed down my cheek. “I could make you as happy as he could…and I’m here.”

I took hold of his wrist, opened my eyes to meet his.
“You already make me happy.” I smiled. “But, Nathan…would you really want me
now?”

The smile that came back to me overflowed with warmth.
“I always want you, Gray. Always have. But, not like this. Not because you
can’t have him.”

Moisture formed in my lashes, my heart tender and
bleeding for two men I couldn’t make happy.

“Don’t cry,” he said in a sweet whisper. “We never
made any promises, remember?”

Blinking sent a drip down my cheek. Nathan moved to
wipe it. “You’re going to be fine. We both will.” His thumb rubbed across my
cheek, he leaned in and pressed a kiss to it. “We take care of each other, yeah?”

All I could manage were a nod and a breath.

“I really don’t hate him, you know.”

“I know you don’t.”

“And probably he really cares about you and doesn’t
want to screw it up.”

“Maybe. Or, I’m the one who’d screw it up.”

“Then don’t.”

“Oh, great plan.”

“What I mean is, you were never ready to jump into
anything with me. Not because I’m not an awesome guy, but because you were
afraid of what might happen.”

This man knew how to make me smile, and I nodded in
agreement.

“Just take your time. Get right with yourself. You
don’t even know what you want to do with your life.”

“Maybe you should have taken psychology instead of
cooking.”

“I’m multi-talented. And I can tell Dr. Dan’s an okay
guy. But, I bet he couldn’t make a dobos torte for shit.”

I kissed him on the cheek before hugging him tight
around the neck. “I’m sure you’re right about that.”

* * *

After my talk with Nathan the day before, I woke feeling the urge to
get away. To seek some peace, clear my head. I hadn’t devised a plan for where
I’d go or what I’d do, but somehow the car took me in the direction I needed to
go. Before long, I felt the place calling me. I rolled the windows down,
inviting the crisp fall air to pebble my skin with goose bumps.

Less than an hour later, I arrived at a spot that held
one of my most precious memories. A time when I remember being truly and deeply
happy.

The wind picked up as I sat directly on the cold sand,
facing the raucous of building waves. I let my mind drift back to the day the
three of us walked, talked, and planned for Noah’s arrival. I recalled my
mother sitting in a chair while my father and I attempted to dig a tunnel. And
when the waves washed it away too quickly, Dad and I scrambled to pull Mom up
before the puddles soaked the bottom of her sundress. The delight in her eyes
was as clear to me in the memory as it was that day. My father kissed her cheek
and gently palmed her round belly, bringing her smile and expression to new
heights. This man hadn’t lulled us into submission with deceit and lies; he’d
done it with love and security. And if a terrible family tragedy seized that
man and replaced him with another, then in a way his sole crime had been
weakness. Something I myself had been guilty of countless times. If I was ever
going to forgive myself…if I ever hoped that others would forgive me…I had to
forgive my dad.

I plugged my earbuds into my phone, stuck one in each
ear, and tapped my favorite playlist before heading off down the beach. Long,
swirly clouds covered the sun from time to time, but the dark, watery horizon
was just as beautiful. Following the expansive stretch of beach, I ended up at
the rocky cliffs, which attracted tourists for pictures and whale watching.
This time of year showed a less than generous turnout, so I managed to find a
quiet spot to look over the ocean.

I closed my eyes and basked in the warmth of the sun
radiating against the rocks, then once again the light dimmed, drawing a chill
to my arms. But when I opened them, it wasn’t the clouds that had provided the
covering. The tall figure in front of me looked down with a friendly smile.

“You came,” I said softly.

“How could I say no?” Dad said.

He took the seat next to me, and for the next few
minutes, we did nothing but stare out to the endless stretch of sea. I knew he
was waiting for me, but I felt a sense of calm rather than tension. When the
words finally came, they poured out slowly at first, and then my pace quickened
with vigor, cleansing each verse. I told him about the visions, when they
started, and how I pushed them away with alcohol and substance abuse. I didn’t
want to see the hurt in his eyes, but I looked anyway. He deserved for his pain
to be acknowledged, too. I shared my journey through AA and how things seemed
to be getting better after and with Nathan, although I admitted to him my less
than favorable behavior served as a substitute for alcohol and as a denial
mechanism.

He hadn’t said a word during my admissions, only
stared straight ahead until I turned to him each time. I still had more to say,
but I sensed he was as overwhelmed as I was. We waited it out a bit longer as a
lingering older man and woman stood near us taking pictures. Their large dog stretched
the reach of his leash, trying to get to us, and we both smiled. He reminded me
of Granger, and I wondered if I’d ever get the chance to tell Daniel about this
day. So he could see my growth and strength. To give him peace of mind that
he’d helped me reach this place.

When the couple walked off, Dad turned to me. “I know
all this wasn’t easy for you to tell me, Gray. I’d like to be honest and say
that some of it wasn’t news to me.”

His confession hadn’t shocked me too much; my mind
immediately went to the source. “Becca?”

“She’s filled me in on a few things over the years. I
hope you understand. I felt so shut out, and she was only telling me out of
concern for you, so please don’t—”

I placed a hand on his arm as it rested across his
knee. “It’s okay. I’m not angry. I had a feeling she was talking to you, but…I
had no idea until recently you two were so close.”

His eyes squinted through a smile. “She’s changed a
lot.”

“I know.”

“And we’re friends, Gray. She’s about the only family
I’ve got…” His smile faded. He placed his other hand over mine, and his voice
softened. “…The only family I felt I had.”

“I know…I’ve sort of felt the same way.” I waited for
him to say that was my fault, for him to put that on me because I’d been the
one who’d kept us apart.

“I think it’s time we changed that. Don’t you?”

“I do. We’re going to have to take this slow, though.
I’m still working on some personal things…”

“I understand…and I’m happy to hear that. I just hope
that you’ll let me help.”

“I appreciate that, but it’s really something I need
to make right on my own. You
are
a part of that, but it’s mostly up to
me.”

Something inside wouldn’t allow me to talk about the
lying. It showed me I still had demons I wasn’t strong enough to face, but I
could accept that for the time being. We also hadn’t talked specifically about
Noah’s death. I’d mentally drained myself enough for one day, so I accepted it.
In a way, Dad and I were strangers. We’d need to get to know each other all
over again. To build a trust that facilitates a feeling of safety to open up fully.

We stayed a while longer—he filled me in on his job as
a technical consultant for a pipeline engineer, and I told him about my current
position, though I wasn’t sure if I’d stay—talking with quiet ease and watching
the sunset.

I started the day in search of peace and solitude. Or
so I thought. Ultimately, it wasn’t the peace that comes from being alone that
I coveted. It was the peace gained from clearing your soul of the toxins
weighing it down, keeping it from soaring, and opening it up to new emotions,
experiences, people. I’d taken a huge step in that direction, and for that, I
was thankful.

--------------------------

The shiny cherry wood casket displayed at the front of the church
appeared much larger than I expected. Jessie had been on her way to becoming a
petite young lady, but still, a child. Perhaps, in my mind, my expectation was
connected to the memory of Noah’s final resting spot. I don’t recall everything
about that unspeakable day. Grandma had clung to me as much as I’d clung to
her, while my dad sat on the other side of her, wearing an expression that would
become his existence. Similar to when my mother died, only a little more lost,
a little more depressed, a little more empty.

My vision blurred as I fought back the tears thinking
of Jessie’s family sitting two rows ahead of us. Daniel was slightly to my
right with his profile in view. He hadn’t seen us slip in a few minutes before,
but as I peered in his direction, his head turned my way. He seemed surprised
at first, before he gave me a nod and a tight smile. His gaze lingered in my
direction, neither of us willing to turn away. My chest constricted with want
to be close to him. The muscles twitched in my hand with need to reach out and
stroke his hair, even from this distance. The music that had been playing died
down, pulling our eyes to the front where a member of the clergy approached the
podium.

Alyssa grabbed my hand. Despite my own internal battle,
I looked at her, hoping to give her some strength. In the car, she had resisted
getting out just as she’d done that day at the hospital. I understood and felt
for her, so I did the thing that made sense to me and told her about my
brother. Shock more than anything played on her face. Somehow it gave her the
will, or possibly the distraction, she needed. She’d been so brave when we
walked into the church, even as her gaze traveled up to where the casket
rested. But now, as the words about her friend filled the room, her eyes
puddled with tears, and she squeezed my hand. I put my arm around her, looked
ahead and saw Daniel do the same to Rita. Not an ounce of anger or bitterness
filled my heart for him, knowing the pain he endured.

Later that afternoon, I took Alyssa to Rita’s house
for the gathering, even though I had reservations about going for several
reasons. She’d insisted, saying that not only would Jessie have wanted us both
there, but also she had something to talk to Alyssa about.

Entering a house full of mostly strangers for the
occasion of celebrating a life that had been cut short was more than
intimidating for me. I couldn’t imagine what anxieties plagued Alyssa. We’d
both made a beeline for a sofa that sat in the corner of the living room.
People seemed to be scattered in every room. My eyes scanned the room for
Daniel, but I’d only spotted Rita. We watched as family and friends offered
condolences, provided hugs, and Rita remained pleasant and strong until the
moment when she was alone with her husband and broke down.

“I feel weird being here,” Alyssa said, staring out to
the kitchen.

“Me, too. But, we need to remember that today isn’t
about us.”

“I know. Rita wanted us here. I feel good about that.”

“Do you know why she asked to talk to you?”

“No, but whatever it is, will you stay with me? I
don’t want to be alone here.”

“Of course.”

“Gray?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry about your brother.” Her eyes cast downward
slowly and then back up. “I didn’t say that before.”

“It’s okay, babe,” I said, rubbing her knee. “Thank
you.”

We sipped strawberry lemonade—Jessie’s favorite—while
we looked at a photo collage displayed near the foyer. Every image featured a
bright smiling angel of a face, lively, real. Even the few pictures of her
during her treatment showed her in a positive light.

“This one reminds me of when we first met her,” I said,
placing a hand over Alyssa’s shoulder.

“Yeah, she was such a raging bitch that day.”

“Alyssa!” I said in a strained whisper, checking
behind me.

“What? She knew she was. We used to laugh about it. It
was a temporary breakdown. Thanks to me, she bounced right back.”

Her smile of pride brought a welcome distraction to
both of us. “You’re right. I remember Rita saying it had been out of character
for Jessie.”

“Who could blame her? I’d have been a raging bitch,
too, if I was the one overwhelmed by that fu—. I mean, freaking heartless
illness.” This time she checked over her shoulder. “Sorry.”

“It’s unfair. I know. Especially for those left
behind.”

“It just pisses me off,” she said.

“It pisses me off, too, Alyssa,” a gentle voice said
behind us.

We turned to find Rita standing there, arms folded
with a tissue sticking out from her fingers.

“Rita…I’m sorry.”

“Why? I agreed with you. I’m pissed every minute of
every day.” She opened her arms and pulled Alyssa into a hug. “But at some point,
we need to let that anger go and focus on how much we love Jessie.”

“She was a very special girl,” I said.

Rita reached one arm out to me over Alyssa’s head. I
complied with a quick hug.

“I want to show you both something.”

We followed her down the hall. Alyssa shot me a look
when we stopped in front of a door that I assumed was Jessie’s bedroom. Rita
opened the door to a soft setting in lavender and mint green, including a
canopy bed, a dresser, and a beanbag chair. Consuming the two pieces of furniture
and dotting the rest of the room were a myriad of colorful stuffed animals in
various shapes and sizes. Not just a typical girl’s collection, but something
that looked like a staging area for a Muppets movie.

“Wow,” Alyssa said, taking tentative steps into the
room.

“What a beautiful room…and all these stuffed animals.
Where did they come from?”

Alyssa stood facing the bed, then turned with a
questioning look to Rita. “May I?”

Rita nodded, and Alyssa took a seat amongst the huge
pile on the bed. She picked up a fluffy white sea lion and rubbed it against
her cheek. “Oh my gosh.”

One of the things I most loved about Alyssa was how
she could go from foul-mouthed teen to gushing little girl in two seconds flat.

“All these beautiful creatures started coming when
Jessie went into the hospital, and they are
still
coming.”

“I remember she wanted to start that charity where
people donated the stuffed animals, and she would take them to sick children,
but…I didn’t think she had the chance to start it,” Alyssa said.

I wandered around the room, admiring the innocence of
it all as Rita continued.

“She didn’t. When Jessie…”

Her pause made me turn in her direction. She grabbed a
blue whale from the head of the bed and sat down next to Alyssa, working to
stay composed. “When she was there, fighting for her life, I felt so helpless.
I tried to think of how strong she’d been lately and what she would do. So, I
went to her computer, finished the letter, and sent it to the PTA, a couple of
community centers, and anyone else I could think of.”

“That’s incredible, Rita.” Alyssa put an arm around
Rita’s shoulder. “Jessie would be really proud of you.”

“Thank you, Alyssa. Anyway, I thought …you’d like to
help me distribute some of these to the children at the local hospitals.”

Alyssa’s head snapped in my direction, her eyes
appeared to be asking my permission, which surprised me and made my heart warm
at the same time. “I think that’s a great idea, don’t you?”

“Hell yeah. I mean, heck yeah. Thank you, Rita.”

“I know it’s what Jessie would have wanted if she were
here.”

Alyssa popped up from the bed and scanned the room
with delight. “Wow, there’s a ton of these. When do we start?”

Rita stood as well. “I’m glad you’re excited, but I’m
going to need a little time. Don’t worry, though. I’ll be in touch.”

“I’m sure Rita needs to get back now,” I said, trying
to assist her. “It’s a great idea and a wonderful way to honor your daughter.”

“Thank you. And you’re right. I should get back.”

Rita and I headed to the door while Alyssa stayed put,
her excitement tempered. “Rita?”

“What, sweetheart?”

“Would it be okay if I stayed for a few minutes
alone?”

“Of course. Take all the time you need.”

A sense of unease swept over me as Rita and I exited
the room without Alyssa. She’d asked me to stay by her side, and now it was me
who felt like I needed her. I’d planned to return to our spot on the couch to
wait for her when Rita caught me.

“Gray? I’d like to show you something as well.”

She motioned for me to follow her away from the various
gatherings of people and toward the back of the house. She stopped short of a
doorway that led to what looked like a bonus room. In my view were a couch, a
coffee table, and the edge of a floor to ceiling window. She pointed to an area
I couldn’t see, so I leaned over to spot Daniel standing in front of the
window. With his hands in his pockets and his feet spread slightly apart, he
stared, unmoving. Did she think I should go to him? My heart broke into pieces with
the pain and loneliness coming off him, not to mention the yearning to simply
be near him.

Rita quietly moved farther down the hall and
whispered, “He’s been like that since he got here. Hasn’t moved a muscle.”

Confused by what she wanted from me, I said, “He’s
hurting, and it seems like he wants to be alone. I wish I could help, but…”

“You know what else? He spent half the night in front
of that window when he was here the other day. He’s never done that before.”

Recollection hit me with the word
window
.
Could
Daniel not only be mourning the loss of Jessie, but also of me
?

She continued over my thoughts. “I’m so worried about
us drifting apart. Jessie brought him closer to my family, and now that she’s…I
just don’t know what to do.” She touched my arm as if she knew I wasn’t paying
close attention. “Am I overreacting? Should I be worried?”

“I think he’s dealing with more than we know, and he’s
doing it the best way he can.” I attempted to maintain a comforting smile. “It’s
sort of…peaceful, losing yourself in the universe. Maybe he feels like the
enormity of the world out there eclipses his own problems, and eventually that
will give him strength.”

“I really hope so.” She paused as if she had more to
say. When nothing came, I turned toward exiting the hallway. “Gray? I don’t
want to betray my brother’s trust, but I also feel like you should know that if
he’s pushed you away, there’s a very good reason for that.”

My eyebrows pulled together as I narrowed my eyes on
her, waiting for more information.

“I’ve probably said too much already. But…I’d
appreciate it if you could give him some time, too. I hope one day he’ll tell
you.”

Her statement filled me with equal parts of hope and
fear and confused me about Daniel even more. I wouldn’t press her to betray
Daniel, but her motives I could question. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but
why would you want me to get close to Daniel?”

“I heard a lot about you when the girls were together.
Alyssa talked about you all the time. About how you’ve looked out for her,
cared for her. One time she told Jessie you were like a mother to her. That
means a lot to another mother.” Her voice was still low, but she glanced down
the hall to make sure Daniel hadn’t come up behind us. “Not only that, but…I
see how my brother looks at you. We’ve had a few talks, and though he’s not
said anything specific, I got the feeling he was talking about you.”

“Thank you for telling me. So much of what you’ve both
said is confusing to me. I want you to know I’d never hurt your brother. I care
about Daniel very much.”

“I know you do.”

* * *

Daniel received some much needed time and space before I showed up at
his office unannounced. He rose from his desk when I opened the door, surprise
turning quickly to joy. His bright smile told me a few things I’d hoped to
discover, causing my heart to pound a little faster.

“It’s good to see you, Gray.”

“Good to see you, too.”

Smiling like idiots was a new experience for us. We
stood a few feet apart, reacquainting our eyes to each other. Both seemingly
filling our minds with important details. Remembering…and anticipating.

“How have you been?” His gaze never left mine when he
spoke.

“I’m doing well. How about you?” Before he could
answer, I jumped back in, “I would have checked in with you sooner, but it
seemed like you needed…well, I didn’t want to intrude.”

“No…don’t worry about that. I’m doing better, though.
Thank you.”

His eyes piercing into mine felt familiar and
intimate; the small talk was the opposite.

“Good…”

“Was there, uh, something I can do for you? I mean, is
there a specific reason you came?”

“Actually, yes. I came to give you this back. I won’t
be needing it.” I pulled out the list he’d given me after our night together
and handed it to him. My confident smile met with knitted brows and pleading
eyes.

“Gray, please. I’d hoped you trusted my judgment on
this. I’d like you to reconsider.”

“And I hope that someday you’ll trust
me
.”

I’m sure Dr. Wallace was not allowed to tell Daniel about
her “unofficial” sessions with me via that convenient doctor’s office called
the World Wide Web. I’d messaged her a couple of times asking about her mother,
filling her in on what’s happened—except for my relationship with Daniel, of
course—and asking for advice. It took some persistence on my part, but
eventually, I molded the relationship into something workable. “We’re just a
couple of ladies chatting,” I’d said to her each time. It was unconventional,
and Daniel might not have approved, but it was exactly what I needed. Dr.
Wallace wasn’t quite the hag I made her out to be. Across the web, I could
handle her. She’d actually had some extremely relevant and helpful things to
say.