Compulsive (Liar #1) (20 page)

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Hot air along my forearm stirred me slowly awake. A cool wetness on my
skin prompted my eyes to pop open. Granger’s nose greeted me right before his
tongue shot out and licked my elbow several times. I rubbed his head and
whispered a hello. Then, I went from my side to my back, reaching for Daniel.
Greeted by the cold sheets, disappointment quickly flooded in. I glanced to the
open door. The smell of coffee floated under my nose, eliciting a smile of
relief.
Of course
.

I sat up in bed and surveyed the room in the new
light, something I hadn’t had the opportunity of doing last night—a modest
environment with a hint of lonely bachelor, accented by two touching sketches
framed on the wall near the window. One a scenic view of a vineyard, the other
a profile of a woman sitting in a chair looking over the valley. I momentarily pondered
who else had been so meaningful to Daniel to capture his attention that way.
The same way I had.

My clothes found their way to a tidy pile on a nearby
chair. Draped across the edge of the bed were a pair of sweats and a San
Francisco Giants T-shirt. I reached over and pulled them into my lap. I lifted
the shirt to my face and inhaled. The masculine scent brought me back to last
night, when I’d had my fingers threaded through his hair, and his head lay
embedded in the crook of my neck. Warmth shot through me as the image continued
to play to the satisfying end.

A muffled voice that sounded like it was coming from
the window broke through my fantasy. I threw Daniel’s shirt over my head and
padded over. Looking out to the backyard, I could see half of him, sitting on a
patio chair, talking on the phone. My mind buzzed with a flurry of scenarios
that had Daniel out of bed with me and on the phone. I turned at hearing a
whimper. Granger eyed me and then came to my side. Was he trying to tell me
something? “I know…insecure and paranoid.” His wagging tail smacked against my
bare thigh, reminding me I needed to finish getting dressed, and that he
probably wanted to go outside. I slipped into Daniel’s sweats, assuming that’s
why he’d left them and followed Granger all the way to the back patio door.

Daniel hadn’t moved from his spot at the patio table
and was still on the phone. Since I wasn’t sure if Granger was allowed out, I
cracked the door an inch or two. The click caused Daniel to turn my way, a
small grin forming as he nodded and gestured to open the door. Granger took off
toward the back fence when the door was wide enough for him to fit.

“Okay…I know…can we talk later? I’ve gotta go.” He
held up a finger and then lowered his hand to rest on a stack of papers and
files. “Love you, too. Bye.”

I followed the phone from his other hand down to the
papers in front of him, my stomach reflecting what I denied my brain.

“Good morning,” he said.

I’d heard him speak, along with the creak of him
shifting back against the chair, but I couldn’t pull my focus from the table.

“Gray?”

“Sorry.” I performed a tiny, silly head shake. “Good
morning. Guess I’m a little slow to start.”

“Would you like some coffee?”

He moved to get up, but I waved him off. I briefly
noted the warmth of the sun falling against the back of my neck. “No…thank you.
I’ll get some in a minute.” The formality of it all was so awkward and as if
last night never happened. Obviously, I didn’t expect roses and a serenade, but
I’d hope for some lingering sparks from him.

He glanced to his phone and back to me. “That was
Rita…about the service.”

I nodded slowly.

“You and Alyssa are coming, right?”

“Of course. How’s Rita doing?”

He sighed and folded his arms. “She’s handling it the
way she does everything else in life. She pushes all her feelings aside to make
sure everyone else is okay.” He allowed himself a smile while thinking of his
sister. “She’s called me a few times every day. Keeping busy with details.”

“She’s a very special lady. Alyssa really likes her.”

“I just don’t know how she will handle it when Elliot
has to go back. They’ve given him two weeks, though.”

The mechanical conversation ticked in my head like a
bomb ready to explode. I popped up from the chair. “I think I will get that
coffee after all.”

A hand caught my arm as I passed. “Gray, wait.” His
words settled in the pit of my stomach. “We need to talk about last night.”

God, here we go
. I closed my eyes and sighed.
“Of course, we do,” I said, already defeated.

“Please…I think it’s important. Don’t you?”

I tossed a quick glance around us. “I don’t see a
couch out here. Should we go to your office, so I can lie down?”

“I’m serious. Please, sit with me for a few minutes.”

I backed away, and my arms slipped from his grasp. “Fine,”
I said as I took my seat again.

“Last night was…”

His timely pause balanced on the line of my sanity.
“Wonderful.” I let my lips curl up slightly, yet I remained cautious.

“Yes.” He nodded with a similar smile of his own. “It
was incredible.
You’re
incredible.”

“Yet…as incredible as I am, I can still hear the word ‘but’
in your tone. A neon sign would be less subtle.”

“Gray…I wish you could know how you made me feel—”

“Then just tell me,” I cut in, my tone clipped.

“I needed you last night. I didn’t need
someone
,
I needed you.”

“We needed each other.”

He sucked in a breath of courage. “I’d denied my
feelings for so long. And last night I was in agony. I was drinking. I wanted
you so badly, and I was so goddamn selfish. I gave you every opportunity to
stop it, but what I should have done was stop it myself.” His repentant eyes
tore from my increasingly crushed expression.

“I’m so sick of you treating me with kid gloves. Did
you think I was going to wake up and think you fucked me cured?” Surprised, he
pulled his attention back to me. “God, you have such little faith in me. I know
this is a dicey situation, but I thought we’d be in it together.”

“I’m still in it with you. I’m still going to be here
for you…”

“And, here comes the doctor’s disclaimer.”

“This…” He shook his head. “…it can’t happen again.”

“I don’t understand what the problem is. Soon I won’t
even be your patient.”

He didn’t reply, merely wagged his head in
frustration. This caused my desperation to rise a notch on the pathetic scale.
“We can wait a while…No one will know.”

Daniel leaned forward, resting his forearms on top of
his knees. “It’s not just that, Gray. It’s much more complicated than that.
You’re not ready to…”

“Bullshit! Don’t you dare make this about me. What are
you trying to do, drive me away?” Silence. “Should I prove your point, go get
smashed, sleep with someone else? Should I make it easy for you and go ahead
and self-destruct?” He was just going to let me steamroll right through this. “Would
that be better for you? How about if I go running back to Nathan?” Finally a
reaction. His nostrils flared, his pupils dilated, and his breathing labored.
This passionate side of Daniel he rarely showed. And though it sparked a fear
in me, I welcomed it in that moment. His mouth flew open, but a grunted sigh
released in place of words before realization hit, subsiding his anger. He
worked to slow his breathing.

“Please, don’t do this, Gray.”

His warm eyes and tender expression dug into my heart
and compounded my regret for trying to outwit the doctor. That didn’t mean I’d
walk out of there without a fight. “What the hell are you so afraid of,
Daniel?” My gaze stole his and begged for answers.

He rose from his chair, walked to the end of the
cement patio and folded his arms. A bundle of clouds drifted over the sun. A
cool breeze fluttered the back of his shirt. “I understand your confusion. This
isn’t easy for me either. There’s something I…haven’t told you, Gray.”

My pulsed raced from his foreboding words. I stood and
walked up behind him. The dimmed sky ran a chill over my skin, and I crossed my
arms. “What…what is it?”

“I’m sorry. I wish I could give you some sort of
reassurance…some kind of explanation that makes sense to you right now, but, I
can’t. There are some things I simply can’t talk to you about now…and some, I’m
not sure I’ll ever be able to talk about.”

Part of me wanted to ease the hurt and confusion that
radiated from Daniel. The other part of me felt like tearing into him. He
wouldn’t accept me now, though, so the latter took over. “That’s so unfair.” My
voice cracked, but I continued. “I opened up to you, Daniel. When it was so
damned painful, I thought my heart would split in two. And now, after what we
shared last night, you’re telling me I’m shut out?”

He ran his fingers through his hair and down to his
neck. His head fell back as if he were searching the sky for answers while my
heart lingered in the balance.

“I just want to be close to you.” I smoothed my hand
up his back. “Any way you’ll let me.” Slowly, he turned to face me. When our
eyes met, mine begged for him to hold me, to forget all the words spoken this
morning. To be together like we were last night.

Seconds ticked away as I stared into those midnight
blue pools that had suddenly turned glassy. I reached up, brushing my thumb
across his chin and running my fingers from his face to his neck. His hand
caught my wrist and jerked me into him, his other arm whipping behind my waist.
I gasped at his unexpected force. Anger, frustration, lust, and fear all seemed
to vie for the spotlight in his expression. His mouth came down hard on mine;
lust coursed through my veins. My arms snaked around his neck, as our kissing
grew frantic. A hungry hand shoved under my shirt and groped at my bare breast,
lighting a fire between my thighs. Daniel backed me toward the house until the
sliding door stopped us. His hand came out of my top to slide the door open and
then landed on my hip. We both stepped inside, rejoining our mouths the instant
we lost connection.

Hands landed firmly on my flushed cheeks, pulling my
needy mouth from his. His forehead pressed into mine as we both panted into
each other’s parted lips. “Please, Daniel,” I whispered. The regret in his eyes
was too much for me, so I let my lids fall closed. A feathery brush of his lips
touched mine briefly, and then they were gone. “I’m sorry, Gray.”

His hands fell from my face. I opened my eyes to him
turning his back to go close the door—a painfully symbolic visual. He returned
and took my hand. “I have no excuses for my weakness.”

“Don’t apologize for something we both wanted.”

“About what you said before. I know it’s unfair. And I
know it doesn’t make sense. You just have to trust me.” He pulled me into a
desperate embrace. As much as I wanted to fight him, I did trust him. I rested
my weary head on his shoulder.

“I do trust you, but this doesn’t make sense to me,
not to mention it kills like a mother.”

“I know. Please, don’t ever regret opening up to me.”

I pulled back, so he could see the sincerity in my
face. “I know it was my choice from the beginning. You never pressured me, and
in the end it’s what has helped me the most. I can’t expect you to do the
same…I know it’s not the same. But…I don’t understand why I’m not worth
fighting for.” I broke from him and walked to the back door, looking out to
hide the tears of rejection I fought.

His arms encircled me from behind. “Of course, you’re
worth fighting for, Gray. In a way, that’s what I’m doing. I’m fighting
for
you. And that might not mean being together right now.”

I twisted in his arms, so I faced him. “What does that
even mean?”

“I asked you before to trust me.” His arms left me as
he turned to open the door and go back outside. I waited while he gathered his
files, papers, and phone. Back inside, he set them onto the kitchen counter and
picked up a piece of paper. “Do you trust me, Gray?”

That got more difficult by the minute. “What’s that?”
I shook my head as heat rushed to my face when he handed me the list of names
and numbers. Déjà vu in the worst way. “No,” I said matter-of-factly, shoving
the paper back at him.

He dove his hands into his pockets. “Gray, this is a
step in the right direction.”

“Talk about adding insult to injury, Daniel. I don’t
need
or want to see anyone else. I’m not even sure I need to keep seeing you…in that
way.”

Doubt spread over his face so quickly he had no time
to cover. “I’m being cautious. For your sake.”

The realization that this was going fucking nowhere
finally slapped me in the face. I pushed past him toward the bedroom, letting
the paper slip to the carpet. “Enough. Look, Dr. Harrison. Pick up the needle
already.” His footsteps paced behind me. He stopped in the doorway. Without any
hesitation, I pulled the sweats off me and yanked his shirt over my head,
letting them both fall to the floor. I caught his stare run over my naked body,
but I steeled myself for fear of another letdown. “That song is played out.” I
grabbed my clothes and made a clumsy attempt at putting myself back together.

“We don’t have to make any decisions yet.”

“Oh, yeah? Because I think you made your decision the second
you left me alone in that bed.”

He shook his head, discouraged. “Please, take some
time. Think about how far you’ve come. The progress you’ve—”

“You’ve done a wonderful job, thank you. And now, it’s
time to pass the buck on to some other unsuspecting schmuck I can seduce.”
Fully dressed, I gathered my purse and phone and walked to the bedroom door
where Daniel stood blocking my way.

“Gray?”

“I really have to go, Daniel.” I avoided his apologetic
gaze. When he moved aside, a tinge of guilt seeped into my vengeful tirade,
stalling my feet in the hallway. “Look…Don’t beat yourself up about this. I’ll
get over it.” I made my way back to the living room, bent down to snatch the
paper from the carpet, and walked out of Daniel’s life, my paltry existence
clipping at my heels.