Complete Plays, The (416 page)

Sir Toby Belch

What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?

Sir Andrew

Faith, I can cut a caper.

Sir Toby Belch

And I can cut the mutton to’t.

Sir Andrew

And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria.

Sir Toby Belch

Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have these gifts a curtain before ’em? are they like to take dust, like Mistress Mall’s picture? why dost thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.

Sir Andrew

Ay, ’tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?

Sir Toby Belch

What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?

Sir Andrew

Taurus! That’s sides and heart.

Sir Toby Belch

No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!

Exeunt

S
CENE
IV. D
UKE
O
RSINO
’
S
PALACE
.

Enter Valentine and Viola in man’s attire

Valentine

If the duke continue these favours towards you, Cesario, you are like to be much advanced: he hath known you but three days, and already you are no stranger.

Viola

You either fear his humour or my negligence, that you call in question the continuance of his love: is he inconstant, sir, in his favours?

Valentine

No, believe me.

Viola

I thank you. Here comes the count.

Enter Duke Orsino, Curio, and Attendants

Duke Orsino

Who saw Cesario, ho?

Viola

On your attendance, my lord; here.

Duke Orsino

Stand you a while aloof, Cesario,
Thou know’st no less but all; I have unclasp’d
To thee the book even of my secret soul:
Therefore, good youth, address thy gait unto her;
Be not denied access, stand at her doors,
And tell them, there thy fixed foot shall grow
Till thou have audience.

Viola

Sure, my noble lord,
If she be so abandon’d to her sorrow
As it is spoke, she never will admit me.

Duke Orsino

Be clamorous and leap all civil bounds
Rather than make unprofited return.

Viola

Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?

Duke Orsino

O, then unfold the passion of my love,
Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith:
It shall become thee well to act my woes;
She will attend it better in thy youth
Than in a nuncio’s of more grave aspect.

Viola

I think not so, my lord.

Duke Orsino

Dear lad, believe it;
For they shall yet belie thy happy years,
That say thou art a man: Diana’s lip
Is not more smooth and rubious; thy small pipe
Is as the maiden’s organ, shrill and sound,
And all is semblative a woman’s part.
I know thy constellation is right apt
For this affair. Some four or five attend him;
All, if you will; for I myself am best
When least in company. Prosper well in this,
And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord,
To call his fortunes thine.

Viola

I’ll do my best
To woo your lady:

Aside

yet, a barful strife!
Whoe’er I woo, myself would be his wife.

Exeunt

S
CENE
V. O
LIVIA
’
S
HOUSE
.

Enter Maria and Clown

Maria

Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.

Clown

Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colours.

Maria

Make that good.

Clown

He shall see none to fear.

Maria

A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that saying was born, of ‘I fear no colours.’

Clown

Where, good Mistress Mary?

Maria

In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.

Clown

Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let them use their talents.

Maria

Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or, to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?

Clown

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and, for turning away, let summer bear it out.

Maria

You are resolute, then?

Clown

Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.

Maria

That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both break, your gaskins fall.

Clown

Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve’s flesh as any in Illyria.

Maria

Peace, you rogue, no more o’ that. Here comes my lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.

Exit

Clown

Wit, an’t be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus? ‘Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.’

Enter Olivia with Malvolio

God bless thee, lady!

Olivia

Take the fool away.

Clown

Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.

Olivia

Go to, you’re a dry fool; I’ll no more of you: besides, you grow dishonest.

Clown

Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing that’s mended is but patched: virtue that transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that amends is but patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not, what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty’s a flower. The lady bade take away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.

Olivia

Sir, I bade them take away you.

Clown

Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non facit monachum; that’s as much to say as I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.

Olivia

Can you do it?

Clown

Dexterously, good madonna.

Olivia

Make your proof.

Clown

I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse of virtue, answer me.

Olivia

Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I’ll bide your proof.

Clown

Good madonna, why mournest thou?

Olivia

Good fool, for my brother’s death.

Clown

I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

Olivia

I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

Clown

The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother’s soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.

Olivia

What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?

Malvolio

Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him: infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better fool.

Clown

God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his word for two pence that you are no fool.

Olivia

How say you to that, Malvolio?

Malvolio

I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he’s out of his guard already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men, that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better than the fools’ zanies.

Olivia

Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets: there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove.

Clown

Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speakest well of fools!

Re-enter Maria

Maria

Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you.

Olivia

From the Count Orsino, is it?

Maria

I know not, madam: ’tis a fair young man, and well attended.

Olivia

Who of my people hold him in delay?

Maria

Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.

Olivia

Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but madman: fie on him!

Exit Maria

Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it.

Exit Malvolio

Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it.

Clown

Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with brains! for,— here he comes,— one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater.

Enter Sir Toby Belch

Olivia

By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?

Sir Toby Belch

A gentleman.

Olivia

A gentleman! what gentleman?

Sir Toby Belch

’Tis a gentle man here — a plague o’ these pickle-herring! How now, sot!

Clown

Good Sir Toby!

Olivia

Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?

Sir Toby Belch

Lechery! I defy lechery. There’s one at the gate.

Olivia

Ay, marry, what is he?

Sir Toby Belch

Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give me faith, say I. Well, it’s all one.

Exit

Olivia

What’s a drunken man like, fool?

Clown

Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him.

Olivia

Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o’ my coz; for he’s in the third degree of drink, he’s drowned: go, look after him.

Clown

He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look to the madman.

Exit

Re-enter Malvolio

Malvolio

Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to understand so much, and therefore comes to speak with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him, lady? he’s fortified against any denial.

Olivia

Tell him he shall not speak with me.

Malvolio

Has been told so; and he says, he’ll stand at your door like a sheriff’s post, and be the supporter to a bench, but he’ll speak with you.

Olivia

What kind o’ man is he?

Malvolio

Why, of mankind.

Olivia

What manner of man?

Malvolio

Of very ill manner; he’ll speak with you, will you or no.

Olivia

Of what personage and years is he?

Malvolio

Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy; as a squash is before ’tis a peascod, or a cooling when ’tis almost an apple: ’tis with him in standing water, between boy and man. He is very well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one would think his mother’s milk were scarce out of him.

Olivia

Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman.

Malvolio

Gentlewoman, my lady calls.

Exit

Re-enter Maria

Olivia

Give me my veil: come, throw it o’er my face.
We’ll once more hear Orsino’s embassy.

Enter Viola, and Attendants

Viola

The honourable lady of the house, which is she?

Olivia

Speak to me; I shall answer for her.
Your will?

Viola

Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,— I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away my speech, for besides that it is excellently well penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very comptible, even to the least sinister usage.

Olivia

Whence came you, sir?

Viola

I can say little more than I have studied, and that question’s out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest assurance if you be the lady of the house, that I may proceed in my speech.

Olivia

Are you a comedian?

Viola

No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you the lady of the house?

Olivia

If I do not usurp myself, I am.