Commitments (13 page)

"Their brain waves will mesh. They're brilliant, Sabrina. Mental telepathy is just one of their talents., ' see/ she said, then asked,

"Is there a happy ending to Nicky's story, at least?' ' don't know/ J. B. answered, sounding not at all upset. Every one of his books involved some sort of violent or near-violent conflict. He clearly loved the fray. ' some point, the humaii race as we know it will begin to feel threatened and try to control the core force. If it comes down to an out-and-out conflict, we won't stand much of a chance.' ' guess I'd better try to stay on Nicky's good side, then.' ' would.' For a long time they regarded each other in silence. Sabrina was thinking that, iridescent eyes and all, there was something sad about her brother. As wellknown as he was, he had no close circle of friends. With his habit of tuning in and out and his proclivity for silence, he was hard to get Page 45

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

to know. His fascination with the macabre made him hard to like. He had women, but there was no pattern to his tastes. Socially, he was pretty much on the outside looking in. 130 are times/ Sabrina said - as she'd wanted to for years but hadn't had the nerve, ' I don't how seriously to take you, J. B.' You're not the only one., ' you take yourself seriously? usually/ he said, but he was as serious as she'd

.ver seen him. B He answered her with a somber stare. 11 don't know what to do about Nick., Divorce him.' A mall involuntary sound came from her throat. s /Y ou don't need him, Sabrina.' I divorce him.' can t Vhy not? Is o many reasons ... I can't begin to explain ... I confu I very sed.' You deserve better.' Through the muddle of her mind, Sabrina registered compliment. It was the first she could remember '

receiving from her brother. Ironically, it made her re vulnerable, thereby adding to her confusion. ''s '. I can't handle him on my own.' ou've been doing it all along! ut ere are decisions to be made. If he has to be tm institution - J. -B. interrupted her with an oath that effectively ressed his disapproval. She jumped to her own W@_

defense. ' have to. He's not getting, better. And now K K K K he's prone to seizures. I don't think I can do it all much longer.' Get day help.,

"I can't. At least, not enough.' ' settle for less.' 131, ' can't.,

"Don't do it, Sabrina. He's your son. Don't lock him up with a bunch of head-bangers and droolers.1 Tears sprang to her eyes. ''t say that.

"Don't do it.' ' he's one of them, J.B. Why can't you all see that?, J.B. drifted off. His expression grew vague. Eyes on Sabrina, he dug at the Formica tabletop with his spoon. At length he set the spoon down and said, ' because it's too painful. You're the realist. You try to see things as they are. I'd rather believe that he's in the hands of a spirit emerging from the earth's core and that he's on his way to bigger and better things.' Sabrina was momentarily without a retort. She'd never heard J.B. talk of himself that way. She'd never thought he understood himself that way. She'd been shortsighted. It took a minute to compose herself. '/ she said, ''s just one of the decisions to be made.' She reached for her purse. ' me a sec. I've got to try Nick again., When she emerged from the phone booth a few minutes later, J.B. was leaning against a nearby wall. ' him? I She shook her head. ''ve been leaving messages for twenty-four hours and he hasn't answered a one?' She sent him a pained look. ' him, Sabrina.' II can't./ ' not?' ' need him.' ' don't.' ' needs him.' 132 didn't even bother to answer that one. in frustration, she blurted out, ''d be alone, B.1 sowhat? l i,.,That scares me. I went from home to college to age. I've never been alone in my life., ' he asked, and lapsed into another one of his .4taring trances. Sabrina was about to scream when he something that she didn't expect. He touched her. -He closed his hand around her arm and started her walking down the hall beside him. @cholas called her that night after J.B. had brought r home. e made no apologies for his inaccessibility, ly asked her about Nicky, said he'd be home late $Jmp e next day, then hung up. Sabrina didn't take him to task as she might have. Al"'For one thing, she was too tired; she wanted-to get off W, e phone and go to bed. ther, she was unable to talk to Nick without For ano about her talk with J. B., and when she did t her mind clogged. She didn't know what to do. rn '

was hanging by a thread. She had probilems with Nick's behaviour, his attitude, his style. But was her husband. And still ... and still the one she really wanted to OK-_`dflnk about was Derek. He represented another fife, another world; and in that sense, thinking of him was .4

relief. He was an escape - ironic, but true. Sick as it sounded she found his problems refreshing. The thought that he might let her write his story after all excited her, and she was badly in need of a little excitement. Nicky was awake the next day. The doctors wanted to '

him under observation for a non-sedated twentyf -hour period before they sent him home. There our 133 was always the chance they'd see something Page 46

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

they hadn't seen before - some tiny symptom, or the breath of a clue that could lead to an explanation for all the rest of his problems. An explanation could lead to treatment, treatment to a cure. Sabrina's battered hopes rose. But in vain. Staff pediatricians, residents, interns, specialists, nurses - no one saw a thing. Nicky made up in crankiness what Sabrina had been spared the day before. She was more than a little cranky herself when she finally saw the child to sleep, took a taxi home and found Nick in the den with his feet on the coffee table and a neat whiskey in his hand. ' home/ she said from the door. Silent, he studied the ice in his glass. ' did. you get in?"

"Several hours ago.' Several hours ago? ''ve been at the hospital. You might have joined me there.' ' had a lot to do here.' She stood very straight. She didn't speak. She clutched the strap of her bag hard and waited for him to explain himself. All he did was raise his glass and take a drink. ' hospital, Nick. I've been at the hospital.' Het voice began to simmer with tension. ' son is still at the hospital. Aren't you curious to know how he is? ''m sure he's fine. I ''s not fine!

He's epileptic! Without looking at her, Nick asked, ' will he be home?' '.' 1"hat's good.' ' so? Have you missed taking care of him? Or is it the hospital bill that bothers you?, 134 It be flip."

-Ws compressed, she sucked in a ragged breath. It It taken much to snap what meager control she'd ' you know what I've just been through, _1as?' J thought our sonwas the one-' L Do you have any idea what it's like to walk into the at night and find your baby convulsing? Or to d hour after hour watching him breathe along th the bleeps and hums of a dozen machines? Or to t endlessly for the doctors to give you the results of PA, tests and then find that they have nothing good say? No, you don't know. If you did, you'd allow me be flip or anything else I chose to bev He took his eyes from his glass long enough to send a look of disdain. ''re getting worked up.' ' think I have that right. Where were you, Nick? For VL, twenty-four hours you were totally out of reach. I the hotel. I called the office, your secretary, your F11

-,",.,vice-president. I called the hotel again. And again. I 1kh"11"'-felt like a perfect fool. Where were you?' A ck of his wrist sent the ice shimmering round 2,,"in s ass. He was following the circles. ' clients ectedly asked me to their house.' ' twenty-four hours? And you never gave anyone ' a thought during all that time?

Didn't it occur to you to check in? You have a son whose health is iffy; what if something really critical had happened?' y ' s fine.' _k, Okay, forget Nicky. Think about your dad. He's seventy-nine and has a heart condition. He has no 4V,@, '1014e, no siblings, no other children but you. What if something had happened to him? Or to me? What if I'd

'had a cerebral hemorrhage, or been hit by a taxi or something?' 135

Nick thought for a minute before speaking, and then his voice was measured. ' a message to that effect hadd been left, I'd have answered it.' . She caught her breath. ' son being sick wasn't enough?' She rubbed two fingers to her forehead and murmured more to herself than to him, 11 don't believe it. You deliberately chose not to call me back."

"I knew you'd be on top of things. You thrive on dealing with doctors." His sarcasm was blatant. Vhat does that mean?' ' love it, Sabrina. You love running from one doctor, one specialist to the next.' He must have found satisfaction in the drop of her jaw, because he went on in the same vein. ' drag Nicky to a new doctor at the slightest excuse." q don't - it's not - ' even if that weren't so, I knew you'd do fine. You're used to dealing with doctors., ''m used to dealing with them because someone has to and you're never around!' He set down his glass and looked at her. ''m never around because this place is depressing. Page 47

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

If Nicky isn't fussing, you are. I'm tired of it, Sabrina. I've had about as much as I can take. I want out.' His words hung in the air, echoing, echoing. But it wasn't only his words. It was his look, his tone, his manner. '-excuse me?' she asked. ' heard.' He dropped his feet to the floor. 11 want out. I came back here early and did as much packing as I could. I can get the rest another time.' Sabrina commanded herself to be calm, but she was shaken by the thunderous pounding of her heart. Knowing that she needed to sit down, she moved as smoothly as possible to the nearby armchair. 136 was staring at her, but it was a totally different from J. B.'s. J. B.'s was harmless. Nick's was It was the antithesis of the loving husband's and was hardened by the defensiveness that came th i-It. "'it's over, Sabrina. There's nothing left. You said it elf, only you didn't have the guts to say fini. I'm doing it. I'm leaving.' lust like thaw lust like that., She tried to gather her thoughts, but she was shocked. Sure, she'd thought of divorce. Deep in her "heart, she'd known that was where she and Nick were A, ",headed. But she'd expected a little more time to pre,,@@'pare. She'd expected that in the end she'd be the one leave him, rather than vice versa. ' timing is off/ she said quietly. 11 should have done this months ago.' q hadn't realized that living with me was that bad.' ' didn't used to be. We had some good times to th . But those days ended when Nicky became your personal crusade. And it's living with what you've become that's so bad. I can't take the constant whining.' ' you talking about Nicky or about me?' Soth.' ' might have helped. If I'd had a little support - ' how? I can't stay home from work to change diapers, and even if I could, I don't want to. If you'd had any brains yourself, you'd have gone back to writing after Nicky was born. Then you wouldn't have sat around analyzing every little thing he did or didn't do. You wouldn't have taken Dr. Spock as the be-all and end-all. You wouldn't have constantly compared Nicky to other kids.' 137 - Wait a minute, Nick, ' she said shakily. ' was perfectly happy right after Nicky was born. If I recall correctly, we both agreed that I wouldn't do any work for the first six months so that I could devote myself solely to him. You wanted that as much as I did. And I didn't look for things to be wrong, as you suggest. But by the time Nicky was three months old, it was obvious that something was wrong and it got worse from there. Now, after three years, can you honestly, honestly look me in the eye and tell me that Nicky is normal?' Nick looked her in the eye. '., ' admit it! I He regarded her with disgust. ' should see yourself, Sabrina. Gloating over something like thad' '? No, Nick. But if nothing else comes out of this horrid mess, your admission is something. Now that you admit Nicky has a problem, maybe you'll see about getting him - and us - the help we need.' ' you're thinking of counseling, it's too late. There's too much anger. And there's Nicky. He's alive. He's here. He's not going to go away.' ' are places for children like him - ' won't make that decision.' ' three years, I've tried/ she raced on without hearing him. ''ve tried everything - physical therapy, hydrotherapy, electrotherapy, reward-and-punishment, patterning - the list goes on and on. Nothing's worked. Nothing's going to work. And that's not my judgment; it's the judgment of many of the people who work with him. Nicky marks time, while I go backwards. There are good private places, Nick. I've been visiting one in Vermont that would give him the best possible care. The idea of putting him in an institution makes my 138

Im" omiach chum, but it's the only thing that makes sense-I Nick didn't even respond to her mention of visits to ... Vermont, which said something about his lack of emotional involvement with her daily life.

"Maybe. Still, I won't make that decision.' She heard him this time and went very still. Vhat . you mean?' . INIcky's yours. I'm leaving him with you. You'll be the one to make the decisions regarding his care." Page 48

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

She swallowed hard. @But he's your son.' You' 11 have sole custody." That's not fair, Nick/ she whispered, slowly shaking her head. ''s not fair to push that burden on me.' @,Vhen he simply shrugged and took another drink, she "mid ''re a coward.' .@, I ' I I, But he wasn't about to discuss it. ' won't be

"An issue. I'll give you what you

need and I'll be -'generous. The divorce will he amicable.' . Again, she was struck by the abruptness of it all. "Then, you want to go straight for the divorce? No trial separation? lwhat's the point?' She wasn't sure, but the fragments of something deep ' made her say, '

Nicky was out of the house ... if he was somewhere, and it was just the two of us, as it used to be.. Nick was the one to shake his head this time. ' could be on Mars, and it wouldn't matter. He'd still be here, don't you see? Every time I'd look at you, I'd see him and remember what he was and that we'd made him.'He thrust a hand through his hair in agitation, as though held only then realized what he'd said. Bolting to his feet, he glared at her and said, ' it, I 139 don't want to have to look at you, Sabrina! I don't want to be reminded day after day, week after week, year after yearv His voice exploded into a silence that was profound and was broken only by the hand he slapped against the mahogany doorjamb as he stormed from the room. The next morning, Sabrina brought Nicky home. She added another medicine bottle to the collection on the bathroom shelf. She penciled in another point at the bottom of the long fist of '-to-do-in-case-of's' that she had tacked on the bulletin board in his room. She put him through his paces at a very gentle speed and spent most of the time after that simply holding him to her, rocking him, humming softly when her voice didn't crack. She took her time bathing him, spent extra time rubbing lotion and patting powder on his small body. She talked to him, telling him of all the wonderful things the world had to offer, then she held him again, held him tight and ched. ' only want to love you/ she sobbed.