Commitments (12 page)

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

through the long hours of waiting. Nick had let her down again. - Dawn found her curled in a chair in Nicky's room. The child was sedated. Wires radiated outward from various points on his tiny body, offering a steady readout of his condition. Sabrina felt as though she were monitoring it herself. She was exhausted, but her eyes wouldn't close. They clung heavily to the shape of her son, leaving him only periodically to glance at one or another of the machines. Her mind churned. She thought frightening thoughts, frustrated thoughts, discouraging thoughts, dismaying thoughts. Her emotions ran the gamut, leaving her stretched to the limit. 120 just when she thought she would snap, memory of rek came from the comer of her mind where she'd stashed it, and her tension eased a bit. Held held her wim such strength. She wanted that strength now, oh she did. She wanted a hand to hold or an arm around her shoulder. She wanted someone to lean on, to talk to, someone to see her pain and understand it, someone to assure her that no matter how hopeless things seemed, they'd get better. Wrapping her own arms around her middle wasn't the same, but it was better than nothing. She shifted her weight from one hip to the other, tucked her stockinged feet beneath her and let her head loll against the wiged back of the chair. She focused on Nicky's small chest as it rose and fell, rose and fell with the typically quickened cadence of a child and with such regularity that she wanted to scream. That everything should look so right but be so wrong was cruel! From time to time she glanced at her watch, shifted position, glanced at her watch again. Shortly after nine, when the clatter of the breakfast trays that had never been. brought to her intravenously fed son were a memom she left the room. Wedging herself into a comer of the phone booth down the hall, she called Parkersville. She fully expected that she wouldn't be allowed to talk with Derek, and that was the case, but she conveyed her message and was told that he would receive it. '. It's critical. He's expecting me to be there this afternoon and I can't make it.' ''ll get the message/

said the male voice at the other end of the line, but it sounded terribly uninterested to Sabrina. '? Will he get it soon?' She could envision one 121 of the guards sauntering toward Derek in a day or two or three with a crumpled piece of paper in his hand. It bothered her to imagine him thinking, for even a minute, that she'd lost courage or given up on him or just plain forgotten. ''ll get it.' ''s very important - ''am, he'll get it.' Hearing annoyance in that voice, she decided not to push her luck. Very quickly, she repeated her message, then hung up -the phone and returned to Nicky's room.. Nurses came and went. Doctors stopped by, new ones with the new day to ask the same old questions. When had the seizure occurred? Had Nicky ever had one before?

What had she done with him that day, where has she taken him, what had she given him to eat? With each repetition of the story, her guilt grew. She fought the feeling, but her defenses were down. Nicky's seizure was somehow her fault; she'd done something wrong; she'd failed him'agami. By late afternoon, she was beginning to feel as though she should be the one hooked up to wires on the bed, not Nicky. When the image of 1. B. Monroe materialized before her, she wondered if she'd truly lost it. J. B. was the last person she expected to see. He might have been the last person she would have wanted to see if the circumstances had been different; but when he walked through the door of Nicky's room shortly before six, she wasn't about to argue. She needed someone, and if her brother was the only one there, he'd have to do. At thirty-eight, J.B. Page 42

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

looked like the California dreamer who'd never grown up. His hair was long and blond, his skin tanned. The round, metal-rimmed 122 that sat on his nose gave him the air of an aesthete, which his distracted expressions did nothing to deny. He wore his clothes as loosely as possible, as though anything beyond shorts - in this case a shapeless blazer, baggy shirt and pants and canvas shoes - were offensive to the flesh. He could pull it off and look chic largely because of his lanky frame and his ., which was well over six feet and had been inherited from his father. From his mother he'd inherited the aquiline features that-made him a frightfully handsome cad. There was no mystery as to how he'd come by his writing skill. His oddness was another matter. Amanda and Gebhart were alternately thought to be unusual, unconventional and eccentric. No one had ever called them odd. Everyone called J.B. odd. He had the personality of a toad. Hands tucked in his pockets, he came to a halt beside Nicky's bed. His gaze rode above it to the comer of the room in which Sabrina sat, and he chucked his chin her way. She would have run to him had he been the type, but for all his laid-back beauty, J.B. wasn't a toucher. , knew that held kissed his wife on their wedding day because she'd seen it -with her own eyes. She couldn't recall though, ever seeing a repetition of it or a hug for either jenny or his daughters. Likewise, as a brother he had never been physically demonstrative. So she sighed his name, then asked, ' did you know?, ' maid.' He turned his attention to his sleeping nephew and stared emotionlessly for what seemed forever. He was still staring at the child when he said, ' flew in with a manuscript. Thought we'd celebrate.' , J. B.1 123 ' timing sucks.' '.' He crinkled up his nose, but only in an attempt to boost his glasses higher. No sooner had his features settled back into place when he tuned out. His expression went blank. He didn't move. He studied Nicky in a deep and profound silence. Eventually he returned to the world with a quick breath and said, ' looks like Mom.' ' you.' He thought about that for a long minute'that ran into three, finally nodding. After another minute he said, '? The kid's a walking disaster.-' doesn't walk.' 1. B.'s shrug said, ' difference.' After a time, his voice added, ', what is it now?' The invitation was all Sabrina needed. She'd had no one to talk with during the long hours, and she desperately needed to share the grief. ' suspect he has a mild form of epilepsy. Can you believe it, 1. B3' She hugged her knees to her chest, letting the covering of her long skirt compensate for the propriety the pose lacked. ' last night I've been praying that they'd find something concrete - maybe a brain tumor. I know that sounds awful, but at least it would be something solid and treatable and maybe it would explain Nicky's slowness.' She took in a breath that was audibly shaky. ' ... epilepsy takes us nowhere but downhill.' J. B.'s attention had shifted to the machine closest to him. Most people would have looked at the dials and buttons and digital display. Not J.B. Hands still in his pockets, he was leaning this way and that, studying the sides and undersides of the machine. '? They've ruled out most everything else.' 124 -He straightened and looked at her again, this time in the same way he'd been studying Nicky, with a , that was somehow intense. The look was frightening; it gave most people the willies. But Sabrina was used to it. She knew enough to let him stare to his heart's content, while she looked wherever she felt like lookin& which at the moment was at her son. Nicky did resemble his uncle. The child's hair was more brown, but the nose and mouth were the same. And the unfocused eyes. J. B.'s eyes were often unfocused. For a while Sabrina had wondered if her son's dazed looks and reluctance to speak were nothing more than a baby version of J.B. Monroe's oddness. The thought hadn't thrilled her, but the alternative was worse, and she'd been grasping at straws. B.'s voice cut into her thoughts. ''s Nick?' She batted the air in disgust. ''s an asshole/ was J. B.'s verdict. ''s doing Page 43

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

business.' ' should be here.' ' telling him that, if you can reach him. I can't.' ' he doesn't even know Nicky's hospitalized?' '." She dared meet J.B. s gaze, wondering what she'd see, but there was only that same concentrated void. For the first time in her life, she found it an odd comfort. She wasn't in the mood to be judged.. Without fully emerging from the void, he said, ' want coffee/ and invited her along with the toss of his head toward the door. ', I don't know ... maybe I should stay.' ', the kid's out of it.' I ' may wake up.' ' he does, one look at you will scare the shit out of him.' 125

8@ She shot him a dry glance. '.' He-repeated the gestured invitation. A short time later they sat facing each other at a small table in the hospital cafeteria. To Sabrina's surprise, J. B., who normally carried plastic instead of cash, not only had cash - which was all the cafeteria accepted - but had insisted on buying her dinner. Actually, he'd bullied her into it by telling her that she looked like death warmed over, and he'd put the comed-beef-and-cabbage plate on her tray before she could escape. ' hate corned beef/ she said with utter calm. ' know that, J.B. I've hated it since I was five.' He transferred the comed beef to his own tray and helped her to some meat loaf. '. B ...'she warned. Meat loaf came second only to comed beef on her list of dislikes, and J.B. knew that too. He was being perverse. When he exchanged the meat loaf for the stuffed chicken breast she might have otherwise enjoyed, she didn't bother to tell him that she wasn't terribly hungry. She didn't have the strength. Now, though, he was perversely urging her to eat. She cut a piece of chicken and, pushed it around her plate, but she was far more interested in the coffee, which was all she'd really wanted. Her stomach was upset. She just needed something to keep her awake. J.B. ate with his typically absent attention, concentrating on his food as though it were anything but food and he were anywhere but there. Sabrina did manage to eat a little, but she was on her second cup of coffee before her brother returned from wherever his mind had been. ' me about Nick, I he said. Nick was the last person she wanted to discuss, but 126 B. had sprung for dinner, she felt she owed him setting down her cup, she tipped up her chin and '

would you like to know? y did you marry him? I Her chin dropped right back down. She'd expected something neutral, something to do with business. %'Vhat kind of question is thatv He was staring at her again, distractedly dissecting her through the lenses of his glasses. ' you love him?' A tiny frown crossed her brow. '.' ' you still? I She opened her mouth, then closed it without saying a word. ''s never here. Are you separated?' ' on, J.B. /Ar 21 e you. ' course not.' ' themarriage stinks.' Vho said that?' ' one had to. I've been there.' J. B., your marriage was different from mine from day one."

"Maybe. But still I can see it. You're angry, and it's not the kind of anger that'll go away. Nick isn't here when he should be, and you're angry.' She shook her head. ''m too tired to be angry. ''re still angry. And you have a -right. You had certain expectations when you married him. He was your Prince Charming. He wooed you in high style. He did all the traditional little things that Mom and Dad called corny. He was steady and dependable and devoted. I thought it would last, Sabrina. I really did. I thought you'd make it last. You managed for eight years

- 127 ' eight,, she said, abandoning all pretense of denial. Her brother had seen through it anyway, and there was something about the way he was speaking - the insightful, rational, personal way he was speaking - that was uncharacteristic enough to demand a straightforward and honest return. ' eight. Five.' J.B. lapsed into a prolonged and pensive silence. He separated the saltshaker from the pepper and sugar, turned it one way and then the other, studied its contents, scrutinized the tiny holes on top. Then he crinkled his nose to hike up his glasses and said, ''s not Nicky's fault.' 1AFhat isn't?' ' marital Page 44

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

problems.' , know., 1VVhen alien spirits intrude - ' no.' Sabrina bowed her head. She knew it; he'd been too eloquent when he'd been talking of Nick. J.B. was only eloquent when he was weaving a tale, or about to. ', J. B.' ' what?' ''t start. We've been through this so many times before. I can't take it now. 1 ' my theory hasn't been disproved.' ' because the doctors can't put their finger on the specific cause of Nicky's brain damage doesn't mean that he's been taken over by foreign spirits.' ' the possibility is intriguing, Sabrina. What if - ' now/ she pleaded. 1. B. had pale green eyes like hers. Unlike hers, his had an iridescent quality that was visible only at certain times and was nearly as eerie as the stories he wrote. Sabrina saw the iridescent quality just then and knew that, short of getting up and walking away, she was in for an earful. She chose the earful because, 128 and all, J.B. was her brother and she needed to with someone close. And, anyway, she was too tired A, move. ' if/ J. B. began, using his lean fingers to frame sc nario, ' go on the theory that Nicky was over at birth by a spirit that entered his body ,@

"through. the incubator hose. just suppose that this "-,,bpjnt is of superior intelligence. It's been grooming Ic y k for the past three years and-will probably keep up awhile longer, until the indoctrination is complete.' ' spirit of superior intelligence is going to adopt a kid whose body doesn't work. Try again. Vhy do you think Nicky's body doesn't work?' he asked smugly. ' spirit is concentrating on his mind V, i while his body lies lax. His body has to lie lax for the .,spirit to do its thing. For all we know, Nicky is incredibly brilliant already. The development of his brain may be far beyond anything we can comprehend. ' may be lying there looking at us, seeing so much more than we could ever see. He may be feeling sorry for us because of our limitations.' ''s a lovely thought/ Sabrina said, ''d have no objections to having a genius for a son. But what's the punch line? What happens when his body suddenly It: comes to life? Will he start killing off all of us inferior 0 souls?' , B. shook his head. ' spirit is peaceful. Its purpose is colonization.' ' it an alien spirit, as in coming from outer space?' :1 Another headshake. ' only thing alien is its form and level of intelligence.' ' where did it come from?"

"The center of the earth.' "g, Sabrina rolled her eyes. ' on, B. You can do 129 better than that. Hasn't the center of the earth been done before?' ' like this. We're talking germs that have existed since the planet was first formed, germs that have incubated in the heat of the earth's core all this time and only now are ready to emerge. Nicky isn't the only one whose body has been taken over; there are others like him. We think them to be retarded or autistic or comatose, but one day they'll band together and form an incredibly advanced society.' ' will they know each other?' He eyed her impatiently.