Commitments (5 page)

Chapter 2.

Page 15

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

Sabrina

always had a thing about lying. She supposed the aversion dated to her childhood, to the times when her mother told her that if she didn't clean her room the Ardulonian enforcer would turn her ear inside out, or the times when her father forecast a showdown at high noon between her suitors if she got much prettier, or the times when her brother informed her that the nighttime shadow on her bedroom wall was the reincarnation of an ogre who had been buried beneath the oak in the courtyard nearly a century before. It took her a while to figure out that the Ardulonian enforcer was nothing more than a figment of her mother's imagination and that, rather than being an incredibly advanced country somewhere in the vicinity of Antarctica, Ardulon was make-believe. She'd been weaned on Ardulonian lore. She hadn't realized that the nighttime stories her mother told her were shortened versions of tales that were well sold, well published and well read. Not until she was seven and studying geography in school did she learn - with considerable embarrassment the truth, and even in spite of that, she continued to keep her room clean on the vague chance that the school map, the teacher and the other students were wrong. By the time she accepted the truth, she was onto her father's imaginative efforts as well. Even if she'd been as pretty as her father said - which she knew she wasn't and even if the boys were fascinated with her - which they weren't - showdowns at high noon, in 48 or any 6ther corral, simply didn't happen in half of the twentieth century ... otherthan Westerns like those her father churned out ons of followers. Nor were ogres reincarinto shadows on the wall in anything but the genre in which her brother, eight years her eventually went on to make his name. was a gullible child, her family said. They told that she believed. Fiction, they called it, and : conceded that such stories, when bound properly labeled, were okay. But the stories she "told, the warnings and predictions and dread were offered as gospel. ' been lied to, she decided, and for a time she furious. Then resignation came, and with it, ptance. Her family was her family. They were an tric bunch, and there was nothing Sabrina could to change them. Amanda Monroe wouldn't be A. Monroe if her mind wasn't in outer space half time. Nor would Gebhart Monroe be the same "thout a yoked shirt, a stetson and spurs. And J. B., was unfairly good-looking, had always been and d always be a horror. @@.Sabrina rebelled. She devoted herself to being downearth. She watched the evening news, majored in tory in college, dressed stylishly, if conservatively. e wrote nonfiction. She liked to believe that she had firm on reality, and she made it a habit not -to grip But habits, like rules, were meant to be broken when tter judgment demanded, which was why she didn't fault with what Derek had done. She wanted to of him as a friend. She didn't know why, but she wanted that badly. Anything beyond friendship was 49 impossible, though, and for that reason she was grateful that he denied the heat she'd seen. It could lead nowhere. So said better judgment. It was the same judgment that caused her to fudge the truth a bit when she arrived back in Manhattan and received a call from her husband. ' have you been, Sabrina?' Nicholas demanded. ' is the third time I've called.' ''m sorry/ she answered breathlessly. She'd barely come in, checked on her son, changed her clothes and sent Pam on her way when the phone rang. The housekeeper, Mrs. Hoskins, had dutifully answered it, then passed it on when she learned who it was. Sabrina was still trying to settle a cranky Nicky on her hip. ' had to get out., ' did you go?" Shifting the phone to her other ear, she wedged it between her shoulder and jaw, hoisted Nicky a little higher and belted him in with her arms.

"I took a drive.' ''ve been trying to reach you since noon. It's seven now. That was quite some drive.' ' felt good getting out of the city." Page 16

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

"I hadn't realized you were bored,', he said with just enough sarcasm to set her off. ' bored, Nick. Tired and frustrated and wound up tight. It's been an awful month. Taking Nicky out in the slush and cold is twice as hard as taking him out normally, and we've had appointments with each of three regular doctors, and two new ones, an eye specialist and a psychologist. I needed a break./ ''s wrong with this connection, Sabrina? I can't hear half of what you're saying., She sighed. It flgured that held miss the message. ''m walking Nicky, so I'm using the cordless.' . so a lousy cordless. You'll have to pick up a new @next time you're out.' That settled, he blithely to the next item on his mental agenda. ' meeting go with Naholy? I Naholy was the manager of the Westchester club where Nicholas golfed. Once upon a time, had enjoyed an occasional afternoon at the , that was before Nicky. She only went to the now for dinner, and only then -when she couldn't She and Nicholas were hosting one such affair weeks' time, and she was to have met with the day before to make the final menu selection. canceled that meeting to drive to Vermont. "couldn't make it yesterday not?' s imperious tone made it easier for her to say, se Nicky was acting up.' She didn't want Nichojo know she'd visited the Greenhouse as the aential center in Vermont was called. It was exclu-and expensive. She wanted to make sure that it the right place for the child before she launched a de for his admission. icky is always acting up/

barked his father, ' ' to go on., rina closed her eyes and took an unsteady breath. didn't want to argue. Not now. Not when she was ing just that little bit refreshed after two days' om. ' I talked with Joseph, he said we still plenty of time.' ,"A"You could have stopped there today, as long as you out. That really was a long stretch you were gone, a. Are you sure you should have left Nicky with all that time?" Sabrina kept her voice low and calm. ' is a 51 trained therapist. She's perfectly qualified to care for him.' ' he needs you.' ', Nick. He needs someone, but whether it's me or you or Pam doesn't matter.' The child chose that moment to stiffen up and wail. In her attempt to soothe him, Sabrina lost her grip on the phone. It fell to the carpet. She knelt down to snatch it up. '/ she told her husband. Still on her haunches, she gently bounced Nicky on her knee.

"Just dropped tile phone.' , heard him cry. What's wrong?' She wanted to say, ' isn'tv But she didn't. Nicholas would accuse her of being a pessimist, and though she'd argue that she was being honest, she couldn't win. Not with Nick. So she said, ' knows? He may be hungry. Pam said he didn't eat much supper. Or he may be constipated. He doesn't have a fever, but his ear may be bothering him again. I wish he could tell me, but he can't.' ' you'd been back earlier, you'd have had a better chance of guessing.' ''s not true.' ''d have been able to keep an eye on him.' ' have my eye on him now. Earlier wouldn't have made a difference.' ', it would have made a difference, to me/

Nicholas declared. ''ve been leaving meetings to call you. It's annoying to find you're not there, especially when you knew I was due back.' ' I'm here, just when you said you'd be. But you're still in Chicago.' He ignored her logic as though it were irrelevant. ' was what I called to say. We've run into a lastminute glitch. I won't be back until tomorrow. If we 52 things up by noon, I should be home by five-ut we're supposed to be at the Taylors' at sixv she . When an answering whimper came from Nicky, realized that she'd stopped bobbing him. The s of her thighs were screaming for relief. jugthe phone, she slid to her bottom, simultaneously uvering Nicky onto her lap. it was no mean feat; --was as helpful as a sack of flour.--..",Half an hour is all I'll need to shave, shower and ge/ Nicholas went on. h, Nick/ she Page 17

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

sighed, then reasoned quietly, We d that we'd take turns with Nicky when we're ting ready to go out. He wants to be held, and. unless want him to fuss the whole time - V.,You've spoiled him, Sabrina. He fusses, you pick @[1-up. When you put him down, he fusses, so you k him up again. At some point he's got to learn that can't be held all the time.' 1 ut e B h doesn't learn,' she cried, as frustrated by her sband's tunnel vision as by the baby's shortcomings. at's the problemv Nicholas didn't want to hear about it. '. Hoskins ' just have to give you a hand." F','Mrs. Hoskins can't hold Nicky. She has a bad back.' If she has a bad back, what good is she?' ' me/ Sabrina said dryly. She'd often argued '.'that if they replaced Mrs. Hoskins with someone ... equipped to handle Nicky, Sabrina would benefit on : fronts. But since Nicholas refused to admit that Nicky's problems warranted special full-time help, s Hoskins had a staunch ally. ' suppose she keeps things organized/ he pointed ut, just as Sabrina had known he would. ' you had worry about making the beds and dusting and doing 53 laundry and polishing silver on top of everything else, you'd be exhausted.' I am exhausted, Sabrina wanted to scream, but she knew it would do no good. Nicholas saw what he wanted to see. It had been that way from the first time they'd met, and it had been okay back then because they'd shared a vision of their fives and of the future. They shared few visions nowadays, though - which was why, when Nicholas pulled his blinder routine, Sabrina suffered. Would it be at all possible/ she began, her body tense as she rocked Nicky back and forth, ' you to catch an earlier planev '.' ' one hour earlier?' ''m not here on vacation, Sabrina. This is a busine s trip. And I'm not alone; there are a dozen people waiting in the other room. I should have been off the phone ten minutes ago.' Sabrina was annoyed enough to ignore that. ''ll call the Taylors and tell them we'll be late., Don't be selfish. You know they're on a tight schedule. They can't hold things up for us if they're going to get through a sit-down dinner and to the theater in time.' ' them start dinner without us. We'll join them for the second course.' ' would be very rude, particularly when it isn't necessary. I told you I'd be home in time." Tut not in time to help me! My God, Nick, I can't do it all myself ! As it is, Donna's doing us a favor by agreeing to sit'-Donna was the second of the therapists who worked with Nicky - ' she can't get here until six-thirty, which means that Mrs. Hoskins will have to do the best she can for half an hour - 54 e to go, Sabrina.' didn't want to go to the Taylors' in the first place!' 11 see you tomorrow. Bye.' t we haven't settled - Damn it, Nicholas Stone, It hang up ... Nick? ... Oh, hell.' She whispered -last in a plaintive tone, hating what she'd said, even more the shrewish sound of her voice. been so easy-going and flexible ... before Nicky. ' a sigh that carried a pained whimper, she the phone aside, along with what little relaxashe'd found in the two days' break. Reality was in full force - endless work, frustration and che. And responsibility. During those two days was gone, she'd been free of responsibility. It had good, so good. But it was over. She was back. Nicky her responsibility. Her shoulders sagged beneath weight. Vicholas was letting her down again. She should e guessed he would. Lately he'd been in his work rld more and more. She could tell herself that he as legitimately busy, that the company was doing ously, that their financial status was better than r, but somehow none of those arguments gave her mfort. Dipping her head, she looked into Nicky's face. t would give her comfort would be his looking @`hack at her, reaching up to grab her hair, maybe calling ! inama. Hell, she wasn't fussy; he could call her y ing his little heart desired, if only he would make th e connection between his vocal cords and speech. But he didn't make that connection. The sounds he made were involuntary, brought on by discomfort or displeasure or - on the rare occasion - delight. A Page 18

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

helpless gurgle when his tummy was tickled. A reflexive gasp when he was tossed into the air. But he 55 seemed to have no knowledge that he'd produced that sound himself, and he had no inclination to reproduce it at will. Yet he was beautiful. Sabrina never failed to think it, and she knew that far more than matemal pride was at play. People stopped her on the street or in elevators or in stores to tell her. Nicky Stone was a beautiful child. No heat rashes for him, no eczema, no chafed skin. His complexion was smooth, his cheeks soft. He had eyes that were large pools of mocha, fringed by unfairly long lashes. His hair was a cap of loose, pecancolored curls that caught and reflected the nearest light. Sabrina dressed him in the most adorable clothes she could find - even now he was wearing a bright sweatshirt, pint-sized Guess jeans and tiny Reeboks - but she knew that with or without the duds, he'd catch the eye. It was a cruel paradox. A beautiful shell housing a limited mind. A cruel, cruel paradox. She'd have traded looks for mental health in a minute. But it wasn't to be. He was a slight child. Aside from the baby fat that gave his face a slightly rounded look, he carried no extra weight - no mystery, given the trauma of meals. Sice he couldn't learn to swallow, his food had to be strained, and even then it was all Sabrina could do to massage half of it down his throat. He fought her. He could be famished - and she feared that half the time he was, which was why, on doctors' orders, he was fed six small meals a day - but he still object@d to the intrusion of foreign matter in his mouth. He lacked all understanding. He couldn't make the connection between eating and survival, satiation or pleasure. For all the times Sabrina had seen exasperated mothers trying to clean up chocolate-covered children, 56

VIC the world to see Nicky like that once, just Thone rang, jarring her from wistfulness. Know-Mrs. Hoskins would answer it, she gathered into her arms and pushed herself to her feet. sed she was lucky that he was fight for his strain on her back from holding him for hours day was bad enough; had he been heavier, she'd been in serious trouble. about a bath, bud?' she asked, nuzzling his He was facing outward, sitting in the chair fashioned out of her -arms and her hip, and the ' in her step was designed for play. ''ll add bubbles and bring ducky in and you can stretch m. Sound good? I was halfway to his room when Mrs. Hoskins up with her. ' was your husband Stone. He didn't want to disturb you, but he forgot A you to pick up his new tuxedo. it's ready and ng at the shop. He couldn't remember whether Id ordered a dress shirt, but he said they had his size file. Also, he's out of shave cream and deodorant. s of some sort for d he suggested picking up sweet ,'the Taylors." Sabrina stopped in her tracki, dropped her chin to chest and squeezed her eyes shut. Pick up his new .!'Medo. Pick out a new dress shirt. Pick up shave cream, deodorant, sweets, a new cordless. Nicholas ';.@'had a knack for tossing off little orders, totally oblivious of the effort required to carry them out. Errands that would have been simple three years ago weren't so simple now. She sighed against Nicky's head as she atinued into his room. A short time later, he , in the tub. Sabrina had a ,."firm grip on hun, which put her practically in the tub 57