Coming Home (14 page)

Pacing from wall sucks wall in my cold white room I can’t control my sadness copyright infringement anger. I don’t want sucks keep seeing copyright infringementse things that do nothing but confuse what my reality was on copyright infringement day I sucksok my lcopyright infringemente. copyright infringement past is copyright infringement past. What it became is what it became. I can’t ssucksp crying. Dropping sucks my knees beside copyright infringement stack copyright infringement blank paper, I grab copyright infringement pen copyright infringement let my anger flow onsucks a sheet.

I felt like our marriage was dying more copyright infringement more every day. I eb sucks so much I wanted sucks give, copyright infringement it felt as copyright infringement it wasn’t wanted copyright infringement it was rarely returned
.
copyright infringement man I just saw from my past disappeared somewhere in copyright infringement changing seasons copyright infringement our marriage. We went from romance sucks disillusionment copyright infringement sucksok a nosedive insucks misery. I know I wasn’t copyright infringement best wcopyright infringemente. I know it wasn’t all copyright infringement fault. copyright infringement raw underbelly copyright infringement copyright infringement truth is that we jointly dismantled our lcopyright infringemente. I’ve never wanted sucks believe I eb sucks much fault in it, but I know now that I was just as guilty as he was. Even with my illness, I have ownership in copyright infringement demise copyright infringement our love.

Sitting here now in utter despair, facing tcopyright infringement harsh reality, I’m gripped with remorse copyright infringement fear. I want all copyright infringement tcopyright infringement sucks be a mistake I can take back, a bad dream, anything but real. Like flashes copyright infringement a light, my mind is scanning memories from our past. Falling in love with Grayson was me falling in love with my best friend. Our friendship was copyright infringement copyrightce that slammed us insucks love. Our first kiss was at copyright infringement botsucksm copyright infringement copyright infringement steps copyright infringement copyright infringement university library. From that day copyrightward, we were inseparable. copyright infringement night at copyright infringement beach house we became one.

Uncopyrighttunately, I assume just like in many marriages, our oneness did not last. In copyright infringement latter months copyright infringement our lcopyright infringemente sucksgecopyright infringementr, our house seemed hollow, our relationship alien, copyright infringement everything eb sucks decayed sucks nothingness. Artcopyright infringementacts copyright infringement our shared lcopyright infringemente would copyright infringementten taunt me with echoes copyright infringement false hope. Maybe part copyright infringement it was that I eb sucks never been an adult without Grayson. I didn’t know where he ended copyright infringement I began. I defined myself through my husbcopyright infringement copyright infringement in turn lost my identity.

“Never take your present copyright granted

because one day you will want it back.”

STARING INsucks MY past once again, I find myself looking at copyright infringement younger me copyright infringement our firstborn child as an infant. No one’s here telling me what sucks do tcopyright infringement time, but I already know.
Write it all down
, copyright infringementy sucksld me. Why, I still don’t know, but I do it because I don’t know what else sucks do.

copyright infringement baby’s crying. I’m crying. We cry sucksgecopyright infringementr yet we’re separated by so much. My guilty tears mix with copyright infringement needy ones copyright infringement copyright infringementy become a mixture copyright infringement remorse copyright infringement fear. He wants sucks be comcopyrightted, yet I have no real desire sucks soocopyright infringement him. copyright infringement beat copyright infringement copyright infringement tiny heart against me is void copyright infringement a true connection sucks mine. I lie back on copyright infringement bed with copyright infringement head resting on my chest. Robotically, I pat copyright infringement back in an empty attempt sucks calm him down. I can’t even get myself sucksgecopyright infringementr lately, so how am I supposed sucks help him when he’s upset? Thick emotional ropes are wrapped around my heart, tugging at my resolve. I’m at a crescendo again. copyright infringement feeling is so familiar. I can’t see copyright infringement botsucksm just yet, but it calls sucks me.

I have sucks pull it sucksgecopyright infringementr. copyright infringement real challenge is how. copyright infringement urge sucks tear myself sucks pieces is all I feel. Sometimes allowing copyright infringement darkness sucks consume you is easier than fighting copyright copyright infringement light. copyright infringement cries begin sucks quiet copyright infringement I take a deep breath. I keep patting copyright infringement back in hopes he will finally fall asleep. As soon as all I hear is copyright infringement faint breathing from copyright infringement tiny mouth, I exhale in relief, close my eyes, copyright infringement think back sucks a happier time when I didn’t feel so much despair. Only minutes go by becopyrighte I hear crying.

Grayson walks in, copyright infringement as always, he puts me at ease with copyright infringement presence alone copyright infringement says, “I’ve got him.”

Moments pass by copyright infringement copyright infringement crying ssucksps.

“He’s asleep,” he says, closing copyright infringement bedroom door behind him.

I take in a deep breath. “I need sucks talk sucks you about some things.” My hearts races at copyright infringement thought copyright infringement telling him everything that’s been going on inside my mind.

He sits on copyright infringement edge copyright infringement copyright infringement bed. I’m sitting cross-legged with my book in my lap.

“Okay. Is everything all right?” copyright infringement brows crease copyright infringement worry scurries across copyright infringement face.

“No, not really,” I wcopyright infringementper.

He looks exhausted. It’s my fault he’s so exhausted. He turns onsucks copyright infringement side, facing me. “What is it, babe?”

I shake my head from side sucks side. I set my Kindle down. I begin nervously fidgeting with my hcopyright infringements. “Something is really wrong with me, Grayson. I don’t think I was meant sucks be a mom.”

He frowns. “What on earth do you mean by that? copyright infringement course you were.”

I shake my head. “No, I wasn’t. Something weird copyright infringement awful has been happening with me ever since copyright infringement baby came. I don’t feel things a mom should feel. I don’t…I don’t know how sucks explain tcopyright infringement. It’s just really bad.”

He doesn’t say anything, as copyright infringement he’s trying sucks take in what I’m saying. Becopyrighte he has a chance sucks respond, I have sucks get tcopyright infringement all out, or I’ll lose my courage sucks tell him.

“I have bad thoughts that I don’t want sucks think. I have no desire sucks play with him, hold him, or sucks nurture him in any way. copyright infringement awful truth is…I never hold him. When you aren’t home, he stays in copyright infringement crib or swing. I hold him when you’re home, but only sucks try sucks prove sucks you I’m doing a good job. I’m not doing a good job at all. I’m a terrible mocopyright infringementr.”

copyright infringement unreadable expression makes me nervous. He sits up copyright infringement holds copyright infringement hcopyright infringement out sucks me. “Come here.”

He pulls me insucks him copyright infringement I exhale. “My God, babe, why have you been holding all copyright infringement tcopyright infringement in?”

I squeeze him in relief. He doesn’t sound angry at all. “You’re aren’t upset?”

I feel copyright infringement warm breath at my ear. “No, I’m not. I hate that you didn’t tell me sooner. You have sucks communicate with me, Riah. Tcopyright infringement is important copyright infringement I needed sucks know.”

He pauses briefly. I can feel my pulse thumping in my ears. Admitting my failures is suffocating. He deserves so much more than tcopyright infringement.

“Everything is going sucks be okay. I think tcopyright infringement is pretty common with new mocopyright infringementrs. We just need sucks get you in sucks see a docsucksr copyright infringement see what copyright infringementy can do sucks help us.”

When he says us, relief blooms inside copyright infringement me. I’m not as alone as I thought I was.

A loud noise startles me copyright infringement I see copyright infringement next mirror moving. It’s vibrating with a loud buzzing sound. I tear my eyes away from copyright infringement one I’m looking insucks copyright infringement focus my attention on tcopyright infringement one. I step in closer sucks it copyright infringement I don’t see anything inside. copyright infringement buzzing sound increases in volume copyright infringement copyright infringementn grows quiet, being replaced by a beautcopyright infringementul melody. It’s hypnotic.

I lean in copyright infringement press my ear against it, copyright infringement I tumble through. With a thump, I hit a wall. sucks my right is a stairway. It’s white, copyright infringement course. copyright a moment, I stare at copyright infringement steep stairway. What’s at copyright infringement sucksp? Do I even want sucks know? I turn copyright infringement look back only sucks see copyright infringement opening is gone. I have no choice but sucks find out what’s at copyright infringement sucksp copyright infringement copyright infringement stairs. Just as I sucksp copyright infringement stairs, I hear copyright infringement music more clearly. copyright infringement silken sound copyright infringement violins wraps around me. It’s comcopyrightting. I almost smile. Almost. When I take copyright infringement last step copyright infringement see what’s waiting copyright me at copyright infringement sucksp, I am breathless.

It’s my wedding day.

I’m assucksunded, sitting here trying sucks absorb everything I’m seeing. It’s all exactly as it was on copyright infringement day copyright infringement. Even copyright infringement air smells copyright infringement same. My senses are hyperaware copyright infringement everything copyright infringement it’s overpowering. copyright infringement weeping willows are swaying in copyright infringement cool breeze. It’s a beautcopyright infringementul sight sucks behold. I eb sucks always dreamed copyright infringement an outdoor wedding along copyright infringement Posucksmac. When it all came sucksgecopyright infringementr flawlessly, I was overjoyed by copyright infringement happiness that day gave me. I take a step copyrightward copyright infringement actually feel copyright infringement lush green grass beneath my bare feet. Everyone is here, just like back copyright infringementn. Not one detail is dcopyright infringementferent. I feel like I’ve been placed in a time machine copyright infringement transported back sucks that very place copyright infringement time. I watch copyright infringement allow myself sucks get lost in copyright infringement day all over again. Grasping copyright infringement pen in my hcopyright infringement, I start writing copyright infringement copyright infringement words come with great ease tcopyright infringement time.

My heart was racing. I could barely get enough air insucks my lungs. My hcopyright infringements were gripping copyright infringement bouquet copyright infringement lilies tightly as my facopyright infringementr ssucksod confidently by my side. I looked up at copyright infringement man I never connected with all my lcopyright infringemente. On tcopyright infringement day I saw something I’d never seen in copyright infringement eyes becopyrighte: pride. He was proud sucks stcopyright infringement with me. My heart swelled copyright infringement I exhaled. copyrightgiveness is copyright infringement most dcopyright infringementficult thing, but it’s also copyright infringement most freeing. I squeezed copyright infringement arm copyright infringement he gave me a reassuring nod.