Come Undone (36 page)

I’d
been with boys before; I’d been with boys I’d thought were men. But this was
different. David kissed like a man. He tasted, he smelled and he fucked like a
man. It would take all the strength I had and then some. I understood now that
I was the one who would have to be strong for everyone; for David, for Bill,
for myself. It had been unfair to ask him to be. It was all on my shoulders.

“No,”
I said resolutely and pulled away, drawing the sheet over my shoulders, hiding
in it. I felt so small, looking up at him from under wet lashes.

“Olivia.”
His tone was softer, and I could see the struggle within him. “I’ve waited . .
. It’s not . . . I don’t want to lose you,” he declared, running a hand through
his hair. I stared at him, momentarily speechless.

“We
have to forget about this,” I implored finally. “We barely even know each
other.”

“You
keep saying that, but I know it’s not how you feel.” He waited, his brown eyes
searching mine. It was true, but it was an argument I couldn’t afford to lose,
so I didn’t say anything.

After
a few moments of silence, he looked at me calmly and asked, “Is this really
what you want?” I looked back at him, urging myself to speak, urging myself to
put an end to it once and for all. Just one word. His expression changed as he
waited, and I recoiled into my sheet. “Is this really what you want?” he
intoned with increasing volume. I knew he was demanding an answer.

I
nodded, and he grasped my blanketed arms forcefully. “Tell me, then. Tell me
you want this!” I opened my mouth but the words failed me. He shook me once,
pressing his fingers into me. “Look me in the eye, and tell me you can forget,”
he hissed. “And . . . and if you can tell me that, I promise, we’re through.”

I
felt my knees, and my resolve, begin to buckle beneath me. I reached deep
inside for a modicum of strength. Any woman would be lucky to have this man
standing in front of her, asking her to stay. Any woman would be horrified to
know that I would be willing to give up my life for someone I’d met only months
before.

I
squared my shoulders, still firm under his grip, and tried unsuccessfully to
look him in the eye. “I - I . . .”

“I
can’t hear you,” he said, backing me into the doorjamb.

“You’re
hurting me,” I whimpered.

“Say
it,” he commanded. “Say it, Olivia! Say it!”

“This
is what I want!” I yelled at him, wriggling to get free. “It’s over!”

He
released me, and I hastily grabbed my belongings from the floor, running out of
the bedroom. He didn’t come after me this time, and I was grateful. I didn’t
think I could ever look into those eyes again without remembering the look I’d
just seen. I ran into the foyer, hit the ‘Down’ button, and, dropping the
sheet, dressed speedily as the elevator ascended.

Once
inside, I bit my lip to hold back the tears. I tried, in desperation, to push
David’s expression from my mind. The doors parted to the regal, eerily quiet
lobby that echoed with the click of my heels as I raced through. I sensed eyes
on me, but I fixed my gaze on the revolving door ahead as though it would get
me there faster. When I pushed through to the other side, I was forced to
shield my eyes from an unrelenting sun. Stumbling down the block, I stopped to
lean my back against a cool, scratchy brick wall to catch my breath. It was
then that I sank down to the ground, put my head in my hands, and sobbed.