Come Undone (30 page)

Gretchen
nodded thoughtfully as she processed the information. “And you think you feel
that strongly for this guy? Why?”

“I
feel,” I paused, my eyes darting around as I thought. “Connected to him in some
way. I think he feels it too, but it gets stronger whenever I’m near him, and I
can’t stop it. I can’t stop it,” I repeated to myself. “And we kissed and it
was . . .” I exhaled, letting the sentence hang.

Those
Windex eyes grew bigger than I’d ever seen them. “Wow, Liv. You kissed? I’ve
never even heard you talk about another guy since you met Bill.”

“It
just sort of happened, and I feel so,” I could choose so many words, I thought.
“So guilty,” I decided.

“Oh,
Liv.” She wrapped my forearm in her hand. “I can’t tell you what to do,” she said,
recognizing the imploring look on my face. “But,” she proceeded, and appeared
to be searching for the words. “Bill has always been . . . ,” she paused
thoughtfully, watching me. “Safe. You fell in love slowly and without any
hiccups. I saw what your parents’ divorce did to you. You stopped taking risks.
You stopped knowing how to open up, and Bill was safe. Is safe. He has always
loved you, and he’d never hurt you.”

Her
words were eerily similar to Lucy’s. I wondered if there was something they
knew that I didn’t. Some reason why Bill shouldn’t love me as much as he did.
It almost felt as if they didn’t think I was good enough for him.

“That
doesn’t mean you owe him anything though,” she continued. “I know how you can
get. Stop being so hard on yourself and take some time to think about what you
really want. Not what you think others want, but what you really want deep
down.”

A
little of the struggle lifted from my shoulders as Gretchen took it on, but it
was hard to ignore the question burning in her eyes.

After
another moment of silence, I spoke. “I can’t tell you who. Then there’s no
turning back.”

She
looked disappointed. “Well, my point is, I remember that passionate side of
you; I know it’s there, and it was hard to watch it die during the divorce.”

“My
parents fought a lot at the end, but I never expected it to get so bad,” I
mused. “I didn’t know they would split. I thought they loved each other.”

“It
was for the best, honey. They were miserable and they were making you
miserable. Seeing you almost cry right now, well, I’m shocked. It’s been a long
time.” My heart clenched to hear her say it out loud.

“I
know, I’m sorry. I hate crying in public.”

“Public?
Liv, it’s me. This isn’t public.”

“Yes,
that sounds stupid, doesn’t it?”

“I
remember when we were kids, Liv, you assumed you were going to have it all,”
she said, looking up. “The best job, the best house and the cutest husband. You
said he was going to be the best guy in the world, and the tallest too, and
that you would love each other more than anyone. Do you feel that way about
Bill?”

“Bill
is tall,” I said proudly.

“Liv?”

I
blinked furiously at her. “Gretch, that’s childish stuff. Everyone thinks that
way when they’re ten years old.”

“Not
me.” She shook her head. “I just wanted to be happy. I thought that being happy
meant finding someone to marry and a good job. I didn’t know other kids who said
they would
be
the best at everything,
and
have
the best of everything.”

I
laughed lightly and nodded. “I had high expectations because my dad did. I
thought he could do better than my mom. I didn’t want anyone to ever think that
about me.”

“Nobody
does. Everyone loves you.”

“Do
they?” I sighed, thinking of David’s earlier accusations.
Do they love me as I am?
Gretchen looked hurt so I touched her arm.
“Of course, I know you do. I love you too, so much. I never would have survived
without you and John, you’re the reason I made it through.”

She
gave me a beautiful smile, and I was sure I saw tears in her eyes. “So what
about Bill? Is he all of those things?”

“I
don’t think anyone can be all of those things. I think I may have been a bit
idealistic,” I said, rolling my eyes. “But he is as close as it gets.”

She
bit her lip, and her eyes avoided mine. “What are you going to do?” she asked.

“Move
on. What choice do I have?” I paused. “But for now, I’m going to have a
carefree night with my girlfriends. You’d better get dressed or I’m leaving
your ass behind,” I joked. “I can’t be late for my own party.”

Her
eyes lingered on me a moment before she stood to get dressed. I watched her
sort through her closet in an unusually silent manner, pulling out article
after article. I wasn’t sure if telling her was the right choice, but I felt
better.

Lucy’s
voice in the other room cut into my thoughts. On my way into the kitchen, I was
almost knocked over by Bethany when she rushed up to hug me. “I heard you were
attacked in an alley downtown by a murderer rapist!”

“What?”
Lucy screamed. She rushed over and skidded to a stop in front of me. “Oh, your
face!”

“No,
no, that’s an exaggeration,” I said glaring at Ava.

“Wait,”
Gretchen called from her room. “I haven’t heard the story yet!” She raced in,
clutching at her robe as it threatened to fly open.

“This
is the last time I’m going to tell this,” I prefaced.

They
listened intently as I recounted my story. It sounded so grim as I told it, and
I felt awful for bringing the mood down. When I got to the part about David, I
sniffed and rushed the words out.

“What?
That’s crazy,” Lucy exclaimed.

“Well,
you know he works by us Luce. We’re profiling him for the
Most Eligible
issue,” I explained to Ava and Bethany. Sounds about
right said someone. “He was on his way home from the office.”

“At
ten o’clock at night?” Lucy asked. “That’s an extreme coincidence.”

“I
know,” I said with a shrug. “I was very lucky. Anyway - ”

“Wait,
hold up,” Gretchen interjected. “Since when is David part of that issue? This
is the guy from Lucy’s party, right? Is he going to be there tonight? I didn’t
know - ” suddenly she gasped loudly, and we all looked at her. “Oh. My.”

“What?”
Bethany asked.

Her
eyes grew wide and she covered her mouth, staring at me. “Oh my God!” she said,
the words muffled by her hand.

I
grabbed her arm and began pulling her into the bedroom. “Sorry, can you just
give us a minute?” I asked them, pushing her with more force. Shock covered her
face, and I shut the door behind us.

“David
Dylan?” she hissed. “
He’s
the one
you’ve fallen for?”

I
panicked, not knowing how to respond.

“Oh,
Olivia. No, no, no. Forget what I said earlier. He’s a total womanizer.”

“How
do you know?” I retorted. I wasn’t sure why I snapped at her, it wasn’t news to
me.

“I
can just tell, Livs, I know tons of guys just like him. Someone like that can
be . . . dangerous. He knows how to make you feel special. Believe me, he’s
handsome, charming and sexy. There’s no way he’s not single for a reason.”

“Sounds
familiar,” I said with intent to hurt, because I didn’t like what I was
hearing.

“Well,”
she said, seemingly unfazed. “I learned from experience. From guys like him.”

I
gulped, embarrassed by the conversation. “Look,” I started. “We can talk about
this later. I don’t want anyone else to find out,” I said, signaling toward the
kitchen.

“Is
that story true?” she asked seriously. “Or were you with him that night?”

“It
actually is true, weird as it sounds. I was at work late, and we did run into
each other.” I decided not to reveal just yet that I had spent the night in his
apartment.

“And
when you asked me to cover for you?”

“I
met him for a drink to explain that nothing could happen between us.”

“It
takes a drink to explain that?”

“Olivia?”
Lucy called from the other room.

“All
right, all right, come on, before they get suspicious,” I said, pulling her
arm.

“We’re
not done with this conversation,” she warned.

We
were met with a sea of confused faces when we returned. “Sorry,” Gretchen said.
“I - I thought I forgot . . . to turn off my curling iron,” she said haltingly.
I rolled my eyes inwardly and continued my story in an effort to distract them.
I left out as many details as possible, telling the story as though David were
less impassioned.

When
I finished, they were stunned. Lucy was almost in tears, but I assured her that
I was feeling better and that the police were taking care of it.

“Next
time that happens, you call me right away. David is a hero,” she said with
starry eyes.

“No,”
I said, trying again to downplay his involvement. “Anyone else would have done
the same thing.”

She
shook her head. “He is something else. I always thought he was so polite. He’s
just a good guy,” she mused. I looked at Gretchen imploringly.

“All
right, I’m almost done getting ready. Liv, make me a drink?”
Thank you,
I mouthed.

“Are
you sure you’re feeling up for tonight?” Lucy asked me quietly. I nodded
enthusiastically. Though the weight of the morning’s news weighed heavily on
me, I knew better than to reveal it. Lucy would send me home if she found out
Davena had passed.

“I
need to have some fun,” I said. “Plus, I really need to be there. This whole
thing was my idea.”

“Thanks
for inviting us Liv. All my friends are super jealous. Is there going to be
dancing?” Ava asked.

“Yep,”
I nodded. “And I think dancing might be just the ticket.”

Lucy
bit her lip, furrowing her brows. “I haven’t been dancing since that spring
break we went to Mexico.”

“Oh,
this will be nothing like Mexico,” Ava chimed in. “It’s at the Gryphon, right
Liv? I’ve been to the club upstairs. Very classy.”

“It
is,” Bethany nodded.

“Good,
because I’m scarred for life after Tijuana.”

I
laughed and squeezed a lemon into the drinks. While delivering one to Gretchen,
I paused to admire my sleeveless leather mini-dress. It hugged in all the right
places, and nude pumps elongated my legs. I needed more cover-up on the bruise,
I decided. My lips were glossy and colorless, and the bulk of my hair was
pinned at the top of my head, with a few pieces escaping to frame my face.

I
thought that for someone whose insides were so tangled, I could pass for a
normal, happy human being. And maybe I’d have to for a while. Gretchen stepped out
then in silver skinny jeans, a white over-sized tank and red platform pumps.

“Let’s
do this,” she said after a long sip of her drink.

CHAPTER 2
1

THERE WAS NOTHING IN THE WORLD
like the
feeling of bass pumping against your brain, reverberating throughout your
entire body. The fast and steady beat pulsed through me, entangling with the
fiery alcohol, manipulating my limbs and looping my hips. The darkness of the
dance floor was sporadically pierced with flashes of red, green, blue; a white
spotlight flickered over glowing, sweat-dampened skin.

Gretchen’s
petite figure moved against Graham Broderick while her eyes closed blissfully.
A group of girls, who didn’t look old enough to drink alcohol
and
oh,
I should check, but I just don’t want to leave
, they stayed close to us,
trying to cut in for a dance with the movie star.

I’d
had a lot to drink, but it was hard to care. With the week I’d experienced, it
was the best medicine. I’d already been all around the event, checking in with
the necessary people and mingling with the guests, and now the party was in full
swing. David’s non-presence was almost palpable to me, but the alcohol numbed
the disappointment. It numbed the pain. It numbed everything.

Davena
. . . . I
blocked the name from my mind and focused on the music, letting it wipe
everything in my head. Just then, someone bumped me, causing my glass to drop
and shatter at my feet.

“Seriously?”
I called after them. “I’ll be back,” I shouted to no one in particular. I squeezed
my way off the dance floor, found a staff member to take care of it and had a
new drink within minutes.

Drink
in hand, I made my way around the party, stopping now and then to converse with
the guests of honor and then going to check on Serena, who was firmly
positioned at the front. On my way back, Beman motioned me over.

“I
must say, I’m pleased with what you’ve done here, Liv. Not too over the top but
a fine guest list. And how did you manage to get Graham Broderick? There are actually
paparazzi out front,” he said giddily.