Clover (19 page)

“I don’t know that for sure.”

“But you think it.”

“We reported it to the authorities. Their investigation came up empty.”

Clover didn’t like her dad’s non-answer. She asked the question a second time. “But you think it?”

He nodded. “I do. And for a young man with his history to not resort to violence when things get difficult? That’s something to be proud of. I like Jake, Clover. But you need to know what you’re getting in to.”

There were a lot of differences between her and Jake. When they were kids, the only ones she saw were the fact that he was a boy, three years younger, and that he didn’t live here year round. That had been enough. She’d spent a lot of summers with him simply because it was expected, but she’d never allowed herself to get attached. Now, she was irrevocably connected. There was no way she could extract herself from Jake. Not without breaking her own heart in the process. Her love for him, whether she was able to say it loud or not, made those differences shine all the brighter. His family was poor. That added up to a lot of little things, like a beat up truck and community college. She didn’t know how her new insight about his parents would factor into her thinking, but she didn’t see it as a flaw in Jake. It just made her want to hug him and promise that she’d never, ever hurt him.

The look on her dad’s face told her that she’d missed the point.

“What do you mean? What am I getting in to?”

“If Jake has been abused, which I strongly suspect, then the odds are very high that he will repeat that cycle. I’d rather he not repeat it with you.”

Clover shook her head. The thought of Jake ever raising a hand to her in violence…she couldn’t even fathom it. “Jake would never. He couldn’t.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“I know I am.” Clover didn’t have even the slightest doubts. If Jake had violent tendencies, she would have seen them before today.

“Okay.” Her dad nodded. “I’ll trust you to come to me if that changes.”

Clover’s eyes stung. She’d made it through the conversation about Vince without crying, but the thought of Jake hurting her flooded her with emotion. It was too much to conceive of, and that her dad was so resolved to it as truth, hurt even more. She needed to change the subject. “I’m not going back to the pool. I’m done there.”

“Of course. I’m sorry I ever made you take that job in the first place. You could have been working for me this entire time. I just wanted you to have one last summer. Do you understand?”

Clover nodded. “I think so. But why not let me go with Lexy?”

“I thought you’d be safer here.”

The irony of his statement wasn’t lost on Clover. Her dad had brought her home to the one place he’d always trusted to be safe. Unfortunately, that just wasn’t the case this time.

“I need to call the city. Let them know that I’m not going to finish the summer at the pool.” Just like every other time in her life, Clover found that focusing on the details, her to-do list, made things a little easier. If she dwelled too long on why she couldn’t go back, then she’d get caught up in all the negative emotions that went with that. If she focused on ticking items off a list, she could avoid the entanglements.

“Let me do that.” Her dad reached for the phone.

“No. I’m a big girl. This is mine to do. You can call whoever you want to after I’ve had a chance to explain myself.” She stood. She’d rather have the conversation on her cell phone, away from her dad’s office.

He nodded once in agreement and set down his phone. “Are you going to see Jake later tonight?”

“I don’t know.” She hadn’t even thought about it. She was exhausted. As much as she wanted to see Jake, she wanted a nap even more. “Maybe.”

“Tell him thanks for me. And let him know that I’d still like to talk to him.”

Clover didn’t have the energy to ask what that was about. She left her dad’s office and headed to her own room. She had one phone call to make, then she could finally let herself rest.

Two Years Ago

Clover adjusted her collar again. It just wouldn’t lay straight no matter what she did.

“Screw it.” She slid the shirt off and pulled on a tank top. Teddy had seen her in worse, so why was she stressing about it now? She evaluated herself one last time in the mirror and called it good.

Teddy would be here any minute, so she headed into the living room. Her dad, R.J., and Brandon were all there, waiting for her boyfriend to arrive. They were not a very welcoming sight.

“You promised you’d be nice.”

Her dad nodded. “And we will.”

“I can be nice while I clean my guns,” Brandon said. It was absurd. The only gun he owned was a twenty-two rifle that had been his grandfather’s. Clover wasn’t even sure it worked.

“Teddy is a stupid name.”

“R.J., that’s enough.” Her dad intervened before Clover could smack her brother.

“Well it is. The two of
you
promised to be nice. I didn’t. I don’t even want to be here.”

Clover didn’t understand why R.J. was so resistant about meeting her boyfriend. She was twenty-years-old, well past the prime age for bringing home her first boyfriend. “Don’t do this.”

R.J. puffed himself up and folded his arms over his chest. “Why not? You’re my sister. I’m not supposed to like your boyfriend. I’m supposed to threaten him and make sure he treats you well.”

Clover really tried not to laugh, but she just couldn’t hold herself back. “He’s twice your size.”

“Is he twice mine?” Brandon stood next to R.J. and mirrored his pose.

Clover threw up her arms in frustration. “Dad? Make them stop. You guys are being ridiculous.”

She wondered how they would feel if they knew she’d abandoned the virtue they seemed so bent to protect months ago. She’d met Teddy in September, right after school started. Since then, she’d spent more time sleeping at his apartment than at her own. She didn’t think she was in love with him, but he was a nice guy and, for now, they had similar goals.

As much as Clover loved Lexy, she slept better at Teddy’s. Lexy brought a lot of traffic through their apartment. She said she felt obligated to take advantage of college being her experimental stage. After she graduated, she’d settle down with a nice guy. For now, though, she didn’t want to get to know anyone long enough to know if he was nice or not. Lexy was very vocal. If she enjoyed something, she made sure everyone three buildings over was aware of it.

Clover’s dad sighed. “I don’t know what you expect. We know you’re not a little girl anymore, but that doesn’t mean we’re ready to see you acting all grown up in front of us.”

“Are you kidding me? If I were any other girl, you would have met my first boyfriend when I was sixteen.”

“You had a boyfriend when you were sixteen?” Her dad’s face flushed red.

“No! That’s my point. Stop treating me like I’m a little kid.” Clover was beyond frustrated. Teddy would be here any minute and they chose now to throw this macho posturing at her. She couldn’t really blame them. She’d be protective if she were meeting R.J.’s girlfriend for the first time. But R.J. was thirteen and she was twenty.

“Baby, I don’t know that I’ll ever stop thinking of you as my little girl. I’m sorry.” Her dad sounded sincere, but the glint in his eyes said he wasn’t. He was enjoying making her squirm over this.

“You know what? Forget it. He can check into a hotel and I’ll stay with him there.” She would hate that. For the most part, hotels creeped her out. The thought of sleeping in a bed under the same blanket that someone she’d never met had used the night before was enough to turn her into a germaphobe. But it would be better than worrying that her family was going to alienate her boyfriend.

“Now hold on.” Her dad looked scared enough by her threat that she thought maybe he’d be reasonable now.

“I don’t know what else to do. Teddy is a nice guy. He doesn’t deserve this.” She gestured toward her bother and Brandon. Brandon’s posture softened, but R.J.’s didn’t.

“This isn’t easy for us, Clover,” Brandon said.

“What’s so hard about it? Lexy is coming to visit next month. Are you going to react like this to her?”

“That depends. Are you sleeping with her?” Her dad asked.

“Who said I’m sleeping with Teddy?” Clover did not want to have this conversation in front of R.J.. He knew just enough about sex at this point to be obnoxious.

“Are you saying you’re not?” Her dad’s eyes narrowed and he gave her a hard look.

“I’m
twenty years old!” It wasn’t a direct answer, but it was enough to make her dad sigh and drop his head into his hands.

“Tell me you’re being safe.”

Just then the doorbell rang. Teddy had arrived. Clover grabbed her keys and phone and headed to the door. “We’ll be back in time for dinner.”

“Clover…” Her dad called her back.

“No. I love you guys, but right now I’m angry. I can’t bring him in here like this.” She kissed her dad on the cheek, then Brandon. She stared at R.J. for several long seconds, then pulled him into a hug. “Just give me some time to calm down, okay?”

Her dad nodded tiredly. In that moment, he looked old. “Okay.”

Clover squeezed out the door without opening it wide enough for Teddy to see inside. He held a backpack loosely in his hand and smiled when saw her. His smile faded into confusion when she closed the door without inviting him in. Still, he bent and gave her a gentle kiss.

“Hey. I missed you.”

“Me, too.” Clover pulled him back in and kissed him just a little deeper. Teddy didn’t make her see fireworks or anything, but she liked him. He was sweet to her and didn’t resent the time she spent studying. He worked just as hard, so it was a good match.

“Are we going inside?” Teddy hefted his bag. “I want to meet your dad and put this away.”

“Not right now. Leave the bag here. Let’s go for a drive.”

“Sure.” Teddy set his bag on the porch swing, then held her hand as they walked back his car. “I’d love to see where you grew up.”

Clover didn’t point out that he was looking at it. She just smiled and climbed in the car.

“Where to?”

“Doesn’t matter. Just drive.”

A faded green F-150 pulled into the driveway as they were pulling out. She didn’t turn back to see who it was.

Present Day

Jake gave his aunt her shopping bags from town and retreated to his room. He could, and probably should, have found some work to do, but he needed a moment to clear his thoughts. He needed to figure out what his reaction to Vince meant. He’d never been so close to letting his temper loose as he was that afternoon. Clover was precious and that Vince didn’t see that hurt Jake deep in his gut. That Vince put his hands on Clover filled Jake with a rage so powerful he’d barely been able to contain it.

He’d always thought he was better than his dad, who chose to communicate through violence and anger. Now he wasn’t so sure. Once that kind of anger was unleashed, was it possible to control it ever again?

The only thing Jake was sure of now was that his control was worth less than keeping Clover safe. He would do anything to protect her and the line that had been so clear to him before had all but disappeared. He didn’t know that he’d ever find it after today. And he didn’t know if he cared.

Maybe this was where his dad went wrong. Instead of using all that energy to protect his family, he’d turned it on his wife and son. Not that his mom was any different. She met his dad halfway and then some. Jake was never sure, listening to them go at it, who would come out the victim and who would be the victor. He couldn’t really tell afterward either. They just looked beat up.

Jake glanced at the calendar. August fifteenth, the day Clover was scheduled to leave for Portland, was circled with bright red Sharpie. Seven more days and then she’d be gone. He’d thought he could let her go, that they’d figure out a way to make it work with her there and him in Salem. He knew now that he could never let that happen. The summer had gone too quickly, but the love he felt for Clover was too deep to be denied. He needed her like he needed the air that filled his lungs. He wouldn’t survive without her and he believed she felt the same. Not that she’d said it. So far she’d avoided answering when he’d said he loved her, but that didn’t keep him from seeing it in her eyes. At some point, she would catch up to where he was emotionally. He had to believe that.

A knock sounded at his door, and then his aunt poked her head in. “Got a minute?”

Jake took a deep breath and wiped his hands against his jeans. They were still sweaty from this afternoon. “Yeah, sure.”

His aunt came in carrying the bag from Mason’s. Jake had forgotten all about it and left it inside the Safeway bag with her other toiletry items. She sat on the bed next to him and held out the bag. “I think this is yours.”

Jake took it, looked at it for a moment, and set it on his nightstand. It seemed like another lifetime, when he’d made that purchase. It was hard to believe it was just that morning. “Thanks.”

The purchase seemed pointless now. Who knew when Clover would be ready for more? Not that Vince had gotten very far, but Jake couldn’t get over the look of absolute terror on her face as Vince held her pinned against that wall. She probably wouldn’t think anything good about sex for a while.

“How are things with Clover?” His aunt’s voice was much more subdued than normal. Had she heard about Vince?

“Good.” Jake pushed his hands through his hair as he searched for more words to explain his relationship to his aunt. In the end, he shook his head and said, “good” again.

“Her dad called me.”

“Mr. Watson? What did he want?” Jake still owed Mr. Watson another conversation. He’d promised to talk to him after Clover’s shift. That promise, just like the condom purchase, seemed years away from where he was now.

“He just wanted to make sure that you’re okay. He told me what happened at the pool.”

“He was going to hurt her. I don’t know what he would have done if I hadn’t been there.” Jake’s voice cracked in the middle of the first sentence and never fully recovered. He’d almost let Clover down completely. All so he could fold his towel. It seemed so stupid now.

“But you were there.” His aunt set her hand on his knee and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “You were there.”

He nodded. “I’ve never been so angry. I actually saw red.”

“I’ve heard that happens to some people.”

“Never to you?” Jake was scared to learn which people she’d heard it happened to, but he couldn’t just let it drop.

She shook her head. “No. Not me.”

He knew then who she was talking about. “My dad.”

“Yes.” She sat quietly next to him, letting the truth sink in for a moment before she spoke again. “You’re not like him, though. He never even tried to control it. He was always just so mad all the time. You’re not like that at all. You’re kind and gentle.”

Jake laughed bitterly. “I didn’t feel kind or gentle today.” He fisted his hands, just to remember the way it felt, but it was foreign to him. He released the hold and laid his palms flat against his legs.

“I wouldn’t expect so. You had a good reason to be mad. Still, you controlled it, not the other way around. You stopped Vince from hurting someone you love, but you didn’t let it get out of control. You put your anger away before it could go any further.”

“I didn’t want to.” Jake heard his aunt say he loved Clover, but didn’t feel the need to acknowledge it. His aunt was a smart woman. She’d probably known about his crush on Clover since he was ten.

“But you did.”

“Yeah, I did.” Jake nodded even though he wasn’t ready to let go of his uncertainty just yet. He had held himself in check, if only marginally. That was worth something. He just wasn’t sure what that was yet.

“You think about it. I know you’ll come to the right conclusion.”

“Why do you have so much faith in me?” For all his aunt’s confidence in him, Jake just wanted to curl up under the covers and cry. Only this time the bad man he was hiding from was himself.

“You’ve grown up to be a good man, Jake. Don’t forget, I’m a year younger than your dad. We grew up together. You two are worlds apart. You won’t become him because you don’t want to become him. It really is that simple.”

His aunt made it all sound so easy and, when she said it, it almost made sense to him, too. Then he’d remember the way the anger had rolled in his gut and the way his vision had blurred until all he could see was red-tinged hate.

“I hope so.” He didn’t believe the words as he said them.

“You don’t believe me.”

“I want to.” God, he wanted to, more than he could properly express. He didn’t want become his dad. Even though it’d been a while since he’d been on the receiving end of his dad’s temper, he still remembered what it felt like. He’d still be getting it if he hadn’t stood up to him last year and showed his dad why it was a bad idea to hit him.

“Let’s try this a different way.” Jake’s aunt reached around him and took the bag off the bedside table. She opened it and pulled out the contents. She set the condoms on the nightstand, followed by the lube. She wadded up the bag and set in next to her on the bed. “These are for you and Clover.”

“Yes,” Jake answered even though she hadn’t worded it like a question.

“You love her.”

“Always have.” He couldn’t remember a time when he hadn’t been completely smitten by his summertime friend.

“Do you remember when she fell out of that tree? You ran flat out for a mile and a half without stopping just to get her help. After, when we got to her and found her awake and pissed that you’d tattled to her dad, you didn’t care. She was okay and that’s all you wanted. She could have been mad at you for the rest of the summer and you wouldn’t have changed a thing. You did it for her.”

“I remember.” That day had been his worst nightmare. Clover was hurt and he was scared to death that he wouldn’t get help to her in time.

“Do you remember what you
were
upset about after?”

All he really remembered was the fear. Everything else had faded away. He shook his head. “No.”

“You were mad at yourself for leaving R.J. alone with her. He was too young and you were upset that you couldn’t figure out a way to stay with him and go for help at the same time. You worried about your friend and what might have happened to him while you were gone.”

The memory came back to him in a vague cloud. He didn’t remember the details, beyond the vision of Clover’s face death white and completely non-responsive. “I guess.”

“I don’t guess. I know.” She patted his leg. “Do you know why you were so upset? Because you’d done something you would never do under normal circumstances. You knew that R.J. was too young to be alone. That’s why Clover had to watch him. It made you sick to think that he could have gotten hurt, too.”

“Where are you going with this?”

“You did something today that you don’t normally do, felt something that you never have before. It was a special circumstance, just like that day when Clover was hurt. After that, you never left R.J. alone, and after today, you won’t feel like that again. The situation called for it and you made the right decision. Now you’ll go back to being who you are.”

It sounded so believable when she said it, but his aunt, for all her good intentions, was not a mind reader. He hoped to God she was right, though. He loved Clover too much to let her go, but she deserved so much more than the man he was today.

“You don’t trust yourself right now, so you’re just going to have to trust me. I’m right about this. I know you. You’re not your dad. Not even close.”

“Thank you.” He hugged her and let the tears fall. He didn’t let go until he couldn’t cry anymore. She held him tight the entire time.