Circle of Friends, Part 2 (7 page)

She opened her mouth, then closed it. “What?”

“Wouldn't you rather be with someone who thinks you're amazing instead of some jerk who spends his time kissing Amber?”

“There's someone who thinks I'm special?” she asked quietly.

Dev didn't doubt that Tiffany was a teenage boy's idea of paradise. She was pretty, funny, caring and outgoing. He had a feeling that once she went back to school, she was going to be swimming in potential boyfriends. “Sure. The problem is finding him and figuring out if you're interested in him.”

Tiffany threw herself into his arms. “Thanks, Dev. You're right. Justin's stupid. Plus, Amber's breath always smells. Why would he want to kiss her? I like this other guy a lot better, whoever he is.”

He patted her back, then hastily stood. “Glad I could help. I'm going to get changed.”

“Okay.” She grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. A music video blasted through the room.

Dev walked toward the hallway and was surprised to find Noelle hovering just out of sight.

“When did you get home?” he asked.

“Right around the time you asked the boy's name.”

“You could have stepped in and saved me.”

She smiled. “You did just fine. Why do you worry about being a good parent? You have excellent instincts.”

“Right. Instincts that got my brother killed.”

“You're not to blame,” she said earnestly. “Dev, Jimmy made his own choices. You offered guidance and rules and consequences. He wasn't willing to learn the easy way, so he had to learn the hard way. Eventually, we all have to come to terms with what we've done.”

“He didn't deserve to die,” he told her. “If I'd spent more time with him or hadn't been so strict...”

“You don't know that anything would have been different. Jimmy was in trouble from the time he could walk. Maybe it was just his nature.”

“Telling myself that means taking the easy way out.”

“You want to take the hard way?”

“I want to do what's right. You said yourself that we all have to take responsibility for our choices. I'm taking responsibility for mine. Jimmy's death is on my hands and I can't rationalize that truth away.”

* * *

“Y
OU
KNOW
TOO
many people,” Rachel said under her breath as she passed yet another package.

Noelle looked at the women crowding in her parents' living room. “I kind of have to agree. I made a list for my mom, but she kept hounding me for more names. I think she invited everyone I ever met and they all said yes.”

What had started out as a small postwedding shower had turned into a giant girl fest with cookies, a big mock wedding cake, fudge and, of course, diet soda.

“I'm glad I got here early,” Crissy said from her spot on Noelle's other side. “I think the latecomers will be parking a mile away.”

“The good news is,” Rachel said with a grin, “you'll never fit all the presents in your car. That's pretty cool.”

“Dev's coming over later to help me cart everything back.”

Noelle couldn't believe her “haul,” as Tiffany called it. Not only had every female she'd ever met come to the party, they'd all brought presents. There were mountains of boxes containing everything from place settings to flatware to crystal to a very sexy nightgown from Katherine, her former boss.

“You haven't said anything about the wedding,” Kelly, a friend from high school, said. “Come on. You ran off. That's romantic. So what happened. You were hanging out one night and realized you just couldn't wait another second to be married?”

Noelle had known there would be questions and she hadn't figured out how to answer them. “Dev and I—” she began, only to be interrupted by her mother.

“There are pictures,” her mom said, waving several photos in the air. “From the wedding. I confess, I'm torn. On the one hand, I missed my firstborn getting married. On the other, I didn't have to go buy a mother-of-the-bride dress and deal with caterers.”

Everyone laughed and the pictures were passed around.

“Your mom knows?” Crissy asked in a low voice.

Noelle nodded. “I confessed all a few days ago. She's been great about everything.”

“Including the distractions,” Crissy muttered. “Okay, I'll take the next one, and Rachel, you're in charge after that.”

“Thanks,” Noelle told her, then forced herself to smile as Summer pointed out she hadn't opened the present she was holding.

“Oh, look,” somebody said as Noelle ripped open more wrapping paper. “They're so in love. You can tell by how they're looking at each other.”

Noelle smiled in response to the chorus of “ahh” and was grateful the picture wasn't a close-up. No doubt then the fear would be visible in her eyes. As it was, she didn't even remember posing for pictures after the short ceremony.

She hated lying to everyone, but under the circumstances, standing up and announcing the truth didn't seem like such a good idea, either. Her mother had put together the shower before she'd found out why Noelle had married Dev, and once she knew, it was too late to cancel without a lot of awkward explanations.

With help from her friends, she continued opening presents and smiling. An hour or so later, Dev arrived and was instantly surrounded by women eager to congratulate him on his recent marriage and to ask him if he had any single friends.

Noelle escaped to the kitchen on the pretext of getting more cookies. When she reached for one of the trays, she found Dev next to her.

“How are you holding up?” he asked.

“I'm fine.”

“You don't look fine. You look upset.”

She shrugged. “I don't like lying to everyone. They think we ran off because we were wildly in love. I even thought about telling them the truth, but I don't want that information out there. Eventually we'll have to tell the baby what really happened, but that's a conversation that we should have when we're ready. Not because the local gossips are hinting at it.”

“Do their opinions really matter?” he asked.

“I don't like feeling like a fraud. It wouldn't be so bad if we could admit what we did and why, but then tell everyone that it's okay now, because we fell in love with each other. But we didn't, did we? You don't.”

He looked uncomfortable. “I've explained.”

“No, you haven't. Not in any way I can understand. So here's another question in my long list of them. How long, Dev? How long will it take for you to give in? I know it's a mountain and I'm willing to make the climb. I'm just curious. Is it a beginning level and I just have to walk for a few weeks, or are we talking Mount Everest and I'm not even at base camp?”

“I don't know how to answer that.”

She picked up a tray of cookies. “I disagree. I think you know exactly what I'm up against, but you don't want to tell me.”

* * *

B
Y
THE
TIME
they'd unloaded all the presents from both cars, they'd filled the entire living room with boxes and bags of gifts.

“You're gonna be writing thank-you notes for days,” Tiffany said, sounding awed by the bounty. “Where are you going to put everything?”

“I have no idea.”

Dev wasn't sure, either. “We'll have to clear out a few closets. Maybe some in the hall. I think the buffet in the dining room is empty. We could put the china in there.”

“We got service for sixteen,” Noelle said, sounding shell-shocked by the concept. “I don't know how to cook for sixteen.”

“We don't have to have that many over. Or anyone.”

“I'm going to bed,” Tiffany said. “‘Night.”

She walked down the hall. It wasn't that late. Dev wondered if she were trying to make sure she didn't get stuck unpacking.

Noelle looked at all the boxes. “I can't deal with this now. How about we work on this in the morning?”

“Fine with me.”

“I need something to eat,” she said. “Something that doesn't have sugar in it.”

Once in the kitchen she got out bread and sliced meat. “Want anything?” she asked.

He shook his head.

She moved with a familiarity that told him how thoroughly she'd become a part of his life and how much he'd changed hers. While the former was a good thing, the later was less easily defined.

“I did all this to make things easier,” he said. “That was always my goal.”

She pulled a jar of mustard from the refrigerator. “I know,” she told him, not pretending to misunderstand. “You're good about doing the right thing.”

“I didn't mean to hurt you.”

“You don't.”

How was that possible? If she loved him, didn't his inability to return the emotion cause her pain?

“You don't hurt me,” she insisted quietly. “Not in the way you mean. You're not doing anything wrong. You're following the rules as you wrote them. I went my own way and these are the consequences. It hurts, but I don't see you as the cause.”

That surprised him. How could she let him off so easily?

But she wasn't finished.

“What I do blame you for,” she continued, “is trying to make things easier for yourself rather than me. Marrying me is a by-product of what you want. You made the safe choice. You always make the safe choice.”

“Wait a minute. How is marrying you safe?”

Her blue eyes darkened with emotion. “You thought you could have it all. A wife, a child, a marriage and nothing messy. You spelled out all possibilities and dealt with them. When this ended, I was supposed to go my way and you would go yours. Neither of us would look back. You got to have it all and never risk your heart.”

“I married you because of the baby,” he said, doing his best to keep his temper in check. She didn't know what she was talking about.

“You're afraid to love,” she said. “With all that's happened to you, I can see why, but that doesn't change the fact that you're a coward.”

“I see,” he said icily. “So working my ass off, raising my brother the best I can, cleaning up his messes even after he's dead makes me a coward.”

Her face paled. Instantly he realized what he'd said and how she would have felt about it. Guilt sliced through him.

“I'm sorry,” he told her sincerely. “I didn't mean that the way it came out. You know I didn't.”

“It's fine.” Her voice was thick with pain. “It's good to know where I stand. Just another of Jimmy's messes.” She closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them. “I take it back, Dev. You have hurt me.”

He took a step toward her. “I didn't mean to. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. Not the way it did.”

“What did you mean?”

“I meant...” Damn. What could he say? Initially he had thought of her as little more than a problem to be solved.

“How long have you been hiding behind the right thing?” she asked. “How long has responsibility kept you safe? I know why you didn't get married before. You had Jimmy to hide behind. Your ex-fiancée didn't run, you pushed her away.”

“You're wrong,” he said harshly. “You don't understand.” She couldn't know what it had been like to be the only one who was willing to do the right thing. She had no idea what it had cost him.

“I understand everything. You used Jimmy to protect yourself from love. You believe that love makes you weak, but you're wrong. It makes you strong and powerful. Giving our hearts is the most courageous thing we can do. I admired you for so long and now I see you're just afraid. You're not willing to make the effort, to take a chance.”

Her words were a light shining in a dark corner. He suddenly saw himself as one of those guys he'd described to Tiffany—one of the ones who wasn't worth it.

He had no way to defend himself. He had used his brother to hold the world at bay. He'd used circumstances and the company and everything else he could think of because loving meant being left yet again.

They stared at each other for a long time. Finally he broke the silence.

“I wanted to make it right,” he told her. “I wanted to make things easier for you. Instead I've only made them more difficult. I'm sorry. I'll go.”

Her expression tightened. “You're leaving me?”

“You have your family. You won't be alone.”

“You're leaving,” she repeated, not asking a question this time. “I can't believe it. You screw this up and your answer is to run?”

“I'll still take responsibility,” he said.

“Of course you do. That's what you do best. But what if I want you to show up? That's a whole different story, isn't it?” She threw up both her hands. “Go. Just go. Don't worry about the responsibility, Dev. In case you haven't noticed, I'm good at that, too. I don't need anyone else to be in charge or handle the details. I need a partner. I need someone willing to love me back.”

She was the strongest, most incredible person he'd ever met. He'd come into this relationship with a list of rules he thought would protect him, but now, faced with losing her, he realized that all the rules in the world weren't going to help.

But she didn't see the truth. What if he stayed? What if he allowed himself to love her? He would be weak and then what would she have?

“I'll stay through the weekend,” he said.

“Don't bother. If you're going, go now.”

* * *

N
OELLE
WATCHED
D
EV
PACK
.
Each item he put in the suitcase felt like a slap. She couldn't believe he was really doing this. Leaving. Walking out. Not even trying first.

After a couple of minutes, she figured out she couldn't stand to see this.