Circle in the Sand (22 page)

“I want to be as honest with you as you were with me. If anything happens between
us, you should know something.”

“Please tell me this is not about your inmate.”

“Stop. Of course not. It’s about Dale.”

He looks away from me, worry covering his face. “You two getting back together?”

“No.” I get up, take his hand. “Let’s walk.”

We take the pathway that follows the park, parallels the train tracks, and leads to
the beach. I give him a brief history of Dale and me, how we got together, and our
break-up. Then I tell him about Valerie’s confession to Dale, that she’d been unfaithful
and her partner was HIV positive. It’s a relief to talk about it. I admit we had unprotected
sex on one occasion. Ned’s expression of concern doesn’t change at my confession.
I finish by telling him about the tests, that it’s all behind me now.

“Did you love him?” he asks.

“No. But I thought he loved me. And I hoped that was enough.”

We walk in silence, leaving me pondering what he’s thinking. If this makes Ned have
second thoughts, then so be it. I made a mistake, but I don’t regret my life or who
I am. We end up stopping at small grassy area with a giant tree right in the middle.
I lean my back against it, not wanting to speak first. Ned stands in front of me.
“I know that was hard for you. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”

“I do trust you, Ned. I’ve never felt closer to you.”

As soon as the words leave my mouth, Ned’s eyes lock on mine and my heart sinks. He
closes the short distance between us, leans down slowly until his lips are a breath
away from mine. They linger there as he slips a hand behind my lower back and pulls
me even closer, so that my chest is pressed against his. I draw in an unsteady breath.
“Jax,” he whispers. “Okay?”

“Yes,” I say breathlessly, fear pounding out in my heart. I wait for our lips to touch.
But they don’t. He brushes the hair from my forehead and slides two fingers down the
side of my cheek. My face flames as his lips plant a tiny peck on the corner of my
mouth, readying me for his kiss. Something familiar about this whole experience sends
a wave of panic over me as his head moves to my neck. He kisses my collarbone and
then—“Shit!” I push him hard, sending him tumbling backward.

“What’s wrong?”

“Don’t! Don’t even try it. You know what the fuck is wrong. You didn’t think I’d remember?”

“I…Jax, I…” He looks at the ground, then out into the darkness, breathing fast and
ragged.

Why would he deliberately repeat that whole experience?
My God
. “You wanted me to remember, didn’t you? Because you couldn’t man up and tell me
the truth. How could you do this to me?” That kiss, that goddamn kiss meant so much
to me and now to find out it was Ned is incomprehensible.

He takes a step toward me. I push off the tree and take off past him.
No, this isn’t over yet
. I turn and glare daggers at him. “Why? It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Jax, I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you it was me that day. So many times, but I couldn’t.”

“Oh my God, you let me tell that story to you at Jung’s house. I bet you got a good
freaking laugh out of that.” My stomach turns, as I yell at Ned, not caring that he
looks terrified. He shakes his head over and over. I never imagined that he would
take our so-called rivalry this far. “You finally one-upped me, Ned. Are you happy?”

“I swear to God, it wasn’t like that. Please, believe me.”

I can’t look at him any longer. He’s tainted a perfect, beautiful memory I cherished.
“You know I’m not one to get embarrassed. But congratulations, Ned. You’ve just humiliated
me.” I walk off in the direction of my house and don’t look back.

Here’s my best piece of advice to new parents. Don’t buy them anything. You’ll want
to get your little darlings everything. You’ll gaze into those giant innocent eyes
and want to give them the world: all the cutest outfits, the coolest toys that not
only make incredibly loud and annoying noises, but actually teach them something—the
games, the gadgets. But after three kids, I’ve finally learned a valuable lesson:
Save your money. The clothes will get stained or outgrown, and the toys will be played
with for a week, tops. And if your kids are like mine, they’ll have more fun with
the box the toy came in than the actual toy.

Too bad I didn’t learn this two kids ago, so I didn’t have to spend the last two hours
cleaning and organizing the garage. Why am I doing this? I’d like to say it was only
because we are running out of room, creeping dangerously close to being hoarders.
That’s partly true. Add to that the fact that I’m going stir crazy with two of my
children out of the house today. Eric took James to the driving range—he thinks he’s
going to raise the next Tiger Woods—and Sophie is visiting her friend, Keeley. I’ve
already texted the mother twice. Benny’s taking a nap, so I’ve got the monitor out
here while I de-clutter my garage and my brain.

On my knees and fighting terrible cramps, I close up a large box of abandoned stuffed
animals, toys, and baby clothes to send to Eric’s pregnant sister, Marta, in Mexico.
I’m sure he’ll question the baby clothes. He’ll wonder why we are not saving them
for the next one. Reason number three for my sudden need to organize. Eric and I have
been competing in the same hint-dropping game, neither of us wanting to come out and
say exactly what we want. It breaks my heart to know how badly he wants more children
when I don’t. But that’s not entirely accurate. Having babies is what I was born to
do. Holding them in my arms leaves no question about that. But part of me simply understands
that this is all I can handle.

Yesterday I received a long letter from my mother in Florida. They’re suddenly yearning
for the southern California weather. I can’t help but consider Ned or Eric has talked
to them about how I’ve been since James’s accident. And though I’ve gone to great
lengths to hide my anxieties, everyone around me seems to be walking on eggshells
whenever in my presence.
Let’s all team up and help poor, pathetic Emily who can’t handle life and mommyhood
.

I write “Marta” on the top of the box and slide it toward the door. I have two other
boxes there which include clothes, bottles, and bibs for the Goodwill. My next move
for Eric in our unspoken message game. He hadn’t said a word when I left my birth
control pills on the counter the other day. He’d asked me a few months ago if I’d
stop taking them. Would I let God decide? I’d agreed, but I started taking them again.
Maybe going on and off of them so many times is why this cycle seems to be hitting
me so hard.

I check my phone to see if Keeley’s mother has returned my text. It has to be painfully
obvious I’m making up reasons to contact her to check in on Sophie. My phone displays
the message.
Yes, Sophie has her sweatshirt with her. Girls are doing fine.

I head back in the house to check on Ben, to make sure the completely silent monitor
is working. He’s splayed out on his back, wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I watch the
heavenly sight of his chest moving slowly up and down.

I still have some quiet time left, so I head down the hall, a burst of excitement
releasing inside me like I’m playing hooky in my own home. First, I make a beeline
to the freezer to grab an almost empty mini Cherry Garcia carton. Add spoon, paper
towel, phone, bottled water, monitor, all clutched to my chest as I aim for the couch.
I line it all up in front of me on the coffee table, sit crossed-legged on the couch,
and reach for the remote when a siege of cramps takes over my stomach. I consider
getting up for some Motrin, but I’m sure it will subside any second.

It doesn’t.

A few minutes later a gushing sensation has me racing to the bathroom. I press my
hand against my abdomen as I sit on the toilet, a familiar awareness jockeying for
center stage in my brain. But this doesn’t make any sense. I fight against the realization
as I stare down into the toilet, the bowl a massive sight of thick red fluid. I’d
been back on the pill, taking them every day. Hadn’t I remembered to every day? The
pain stops me from processing what’s happening. But as the minutes pass, there is
no doubt in my mind that this looks and feels like the same experience as my miscarriage
before I got pregnant with James. Last time, I’d gone to the hospital and they’d confirmed
it. I know it’s the right thing to do. I could ask my neighbor to sit with Ben while
I’m gone.

I stay where I’m at, frozen and unable to even get up from the toilet. I know the
statistics on why miscarriages happen. But it doesn’t stop me from replaying everything
I’d done over the last few weeks, including Sophie’s party. My head falls to my hands,
my throat burns and lumps up as I try to swallow back my sobs.
My God, what would Eric think? What have I done?
The pain in my stomach feels like it’s subsiding because the pain in my chest is
so overwhelming. My heart aches not only for the loss of a child I didn’t even know
was growing inside, but for Eric who will never know he was almost a father of four.
How could I be so irresponsible? I can’t let this happen again. I don’t deserve another
child and can’t handle this no matter how badly Eric wants it. I cry until my eyes
are drained of every last tear. Then I walk in a trance to the couch to lie down.
I stare at the phone, wanting to call someone to come and take this pain away, but
I can’t find the strength.

Exhausted, I start to drift off when the phone startles me awake. I answer with a
reluctant hello even though it’s my brother, whom I haven’t heard from in over a week.

“Hey, Sis,” Ned says.

I mute the TV which I just realized was still on. “Hey. Haven’t heard from you in
a while.”

“Your dialing finger broken?” he says.

I don’t answer or try to figure out why he’s pissed, so I just sigh on the line.

“Whatever,” he says, “Just call me back when you give a crap.”

“Wait!” I say, hoping he doesn’t hang up. I need to keep hearing his voice. But now
he is silent. “Ned, you still there?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry,” I say and try to think of something to cover my disposition. “It’s just
you haven’t called, and the kids have been asking why they haven’t seen you lately.”
I pick up the monitor and hold it next to my other ear. Breathing.

“I’m sorry. How are they? I miss them.” His tone is calmer now, with a hint of sadness.

“Everyone’s good.” I scramble for something that sounds ordinary. “Sophie lost another
tooth.”

“She putting this one under her pillow?”

“Nope, it went in that change purse with the rest of them. But she did ask if Uncle
Ned would give her a dollar again for
pain and suffering
.”

“Tell her I’ll bring her one soon. I’m sorry I haven’t been around. Had a lot of work
to catch up on.”

I breathe a little easier listening to my brother. “Really? Work?”

“Yes. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my life, my work. I need to get serious
and start working toward something.”

“Stop it. You’re doing great.”

“Yeah, no family, no steady girlfriend for what, five years. I’m going nowhere with
this company, and it’s my own fault. What the hell have I been doing with my life?”

I don’t understand where this is coming from. “Neddy, we’re your family.” Then a thought
occurs to me. “God, I hope it’s not me…us that’s been holding you back.”

“What? No way. You guys are the only thing great I’ve got going. But it’s time for
me to get serious about some things. Stop all this dicking around with Sage and Jax.”

I place my hand across my stomach before pushing bad thoughts from my brain. I need
to focus on Ned. “So that’s what this is about. Why didn’t you say so?” I turn off
the television, walk the ice cream back to the fridge, then return to the couch.

Ned’s voice gets loud and squeaky. “It’s not about that. Not really. I just recognize
what a royal fucking loser I’ve been. No wonder I’m so far behind everyone else.”

“It’s not a race, Ned. Tell me what happened. I thought you and Jax were getting close.”

“We were, but I blew it.”

“What did you do?”

He pauses and I wait. He’ll tell me because he has to. I only wish I could do the
same. I feel my eyes begin to well up, but I fight it back.

“She knows,” he says.

Immediately, my heart races. “Oh my God, Ned. What happened? How did she take it?
I thought you said you weren’t going to tell her?” My mind is rattling away when the
worst notion of all bullets right into my brain. What if she knows that I knew?

“Can I speak now? Geez!”

“Go.”

“I didn’t tell her.”

“Then how…”

“She figured it out.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, Ned. Details!”

“We were at the park. Ranger Station. Things were going great. We were talking things
through and then I tried to kiss her. It was like I was doing a freaking reenactment.
What a dumb ass. Then she went off on me.”

“Did you do that on purpose? To get the truth out or maybe push her away? Or do have
but one set of moves, Ned?” I regret the last question as soon as it comes out, but
I’m so concerned about what this will do to all of our friendships.

“I don’t know. Maybe I did want her to find out. Not to push her away though. It could
have been because I was too damn cowardly to tell her straight out. Now I’m screwed.”

“If you explain to her what happened. Why you did it.”

“She wouldn’t give me a chance. I didn’t try that hard because I felt like such a
jack ass.”

“I’m sorry, Ned, but we knew this day might come.” I pause. “Did she ask if I knew?”

“She didn’t ask, but…”

The front door opens, delivering Eric and James home. Their adorable golf attire doesn’t
sway me from my concern, but I smile at them, point to the phone.
How will I make it through this day
? “But she’s gotta know, right?” I say as I walk into the kitchen. “I’m sure she suspects.
I haven’t heard from her in a while.”

“Em, I’m really sorry I screwed things up. I will try to make it right. I know I have
to.”

“What have you been waiting for then?”

“I get it. I’ll take care of it. Em, I really do care about her. I want to work it
out, and I can’t believe it’s come to this. I’ve gotta go, but I’ll come by in a day
or so.”

“Call me if anything happens. Love you.”

As soon as I hang up, James crashes into me, putter in hand. “Mommy, you shoulda seen
me. I made a good putt.”

“You did?” I bend down to his level, rest my hands on his arms, and hold back more
tears.

“Yeah, after the driving range, we putted. Daddy said it was like ten feet.” He spread
his arms out wide.

“That’s great, Buddy. I’m so proud of you.”

Eric appears in the doorway. He unloads his wallet and keys to the counter. “It’s
quiet in here. Benny asleep?”

I kiss James, then stand, doing my best to avoid eye contact with him. “Yes, he needs
to get up or he’ll never go to bed tonight. You mind? I know you just got here, but
I have to call Jax. It’s important.”

“Sure. Hey, Buddy, let’s go wake your brother.”

I quickly grab my phone and step out back. I’m dreading this, have been dreading that
this day would ever come. I take in a cleansing breath as the phone rings. “Jax,”
I say when she picks up.

“Hey,” she says.

“Gotta sec?”

“Before you say anything, I know why you’re calling.”

“Oh.”

“I can’t talk about this right now. Not to you or Ned.”

“Can I at least say I’m sorry?” Hot panic flares up. My eyes burn. I squeeze them
shut while I wait for her reply.

“God, Emily. I expected this type of shit from Ned. But not from you.” She’s not shouting.
Her voice is low, monotone, which is even worse. “I knew the second I heard your voice.
I’d hoped it wasn’t true, but you never were a good liar. Or at least I thought so.
I have to go.”

She’s gone before I can say another word. I’ve let down the most faithful, supportive
friend in my life. I stare at the phone, breathing, trying to focus on keeping it
together. I have to make dinner. What did I have planned for tonight? I can’t let
go again…not now.
Just hang on a few more hours
. Until I’m alone. I open the fridge and scan the shelves. When I spot the chicken
marinating in the pan, I force a smile. “Yes, chicken. Good.” I heat the oven, then
begin pulling out bowls, utensils, to set the table. I eye the top cupboard which
houses our liquor. My head turns back to the hall to gauge how long they’ll be back
there.
I can’t risk it
! My body and arms move robotically, completing the tasks of preparing dinner. But
no matter how hard I will myself not to let the thought enter my brain, it’s there,
repeating over and over. How will I survive this loss…and without one of my best friends?