Circle in the Sand (9 page)

Jax and Sage know exactly what I’m referring to since we once spent a weekend watching
that eighties classic in an endless repeating loop. They turn, each giving me knowing
glances, then all three of us pump our fists in the air as if the final song of the
movie is playing.

I’m at the store, grabbing beer for myself as well as a few things the girls requested.
After all these years, I’m still their errand boy. Yes, Pete was right, but for some
reason it doesn’t bother me.

I had considered making an excuse for today, telling them I couldn’t make it, and
avoid the overload of emotions and “remember whens” that come with their little reunions.
But who am I to deny them when they all want me there so badly. Sage texted me that
she hoped I’d make it and needed to ask me something. I wonder what favor I’ll be
unable to deny her this time. And, no, it’s not just because she’s tall, blonde, and
hotter than the damn Sahara. Pete says Sage friend-zoned me because I’m too nice.
I told him to fuck off. How’s that for nice? Besides, there are worse places to be
than in the friend zone of any of these ladies.

When I finish at the store, I head straight over to the house. I open the door and
am greeted by a great gust of wind which tells me they have the back door open. I
head that way, stopping first to put the bags on the counter. I can see all three
of them through the kitchen window. Emily and Jax are in front of the barbecue arguing,
while Sage texts in a chair.

“Dammit! This thing won’t turn on,” Jax says. Her fiery hair glistens in the sun and
matches her personality. She is holding a long blue lighter. I can hear a clicking,
and I’m not sure if it’s from the lighter or the barbecue. I crack open a Sam Adams
and continue to watch.

“Like I said, you need to turn up the gas all the way,” Emily says.

“And what if we blow up Jung’s house?” Jax says.

“We won’t. Eric does this all the time,” Emily says reaching for the lighter. “Let
me try.”

I should probably get back there and help them, but I’m enjoying this too much. I’m
ready to pull up a chair when Sage looks up, catching a glimpse of me watching them.

“Get your ass out here,” she yells, and the other two click their heads my way, brows
kinked in the shape of lightning bolts.

“What?” I say, raising my hands in the air, attempting the innocent routine even with
the beer in my hand. “I just got here.”

I set my beer on the counter and step out onto the patio, knowing exactly what they’ll
expect from me and hoping I’ll be able to come through. “Hi, girls. Beautiful day
for a barbecue,” I say, even though the long and dingy clouds cast a gray shadow on
the ground.

Emily comes over to greet me and hands me the lighter. “Hey, bro. Can you get this
thing going, please?”

Yeah, sure, give it to the single guy that works fifty hours a week in front of a
computer. No problem. There’s nothing worse than women thinking you can do something
because you’re a guy. Wait, there is something worse: coming off as a complete loser
by not actually being able to do it. I take the lighter from Emily and cross back
to the barbecue, smiling at Sage and then Jax on the way. “C’mon, Wonder Woman, you
couldn’t get this thing started?” I say. Jax curls one side of her upper lip in a
snarl.

I face the grill and quickly assess what I’m dealing with. It’s not as though I’ve
never lit one before. Okay, I have lit
one
. Jax and Emily hover, while Sage continues to stare at her phone. I note the word
light on the big burner dial and there is an automatic ignition button. Great, simple
enough. “Did you try turning this to light before pressing the ignition button?”

All three give me
duh
looks.

“Of course we did,” Jax says with an attitude I’ve heard a million times before.

I ignore the tone and lean down next to the tank. First I check the knob and notice
it’s not all the way open. After turning it all the way up, I spot the hole above
the tank. I’m ninety percent sure that’s the back-up if the ignition doesn’t work.
I stick the lighter in and click it on. Then I reach over and turn the burner knob.
Two seconds later fire flares to life. I stand back up, stretching a little taller.
“I have given you fire,” I say to Jax in my best caveman voice. “Now lay at my feet
so I can pull you into my cave by your hair.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so,” Jax says and pats me on the back. “But thanks for the fire,
Nerdy.” She walks to the back door and into the kitchen, and I follow.

I’m used to the name, but something sets me off. Is it because she took my pint-sized
triumph and found a way to reduce it further? Or is it that after twenty years of
trying to break out of Nerdville, I’m so done hearing about it? Whatever the reason,
I say, “That
Nerdy
shit’s getting old, Wonder Woman.”

Jax reaches for a bag and pulls out the groceries. “Yeah, well I’m not Wonder Woman
anymore.”

“And I’m not
Nerdy
. Never was, if you ask me.”

“I didn’t.”

“Whatever.” I grab my beer and go to walk away. “I don’t know why I bothered coming.”

“Wait,” Jax says coming up behind me. “Are you leaving?”

I turn to face her and see concern, or maybe regret, in her green eyes. “Should I?”
I down the rest of my beer, playing that it makes no difference to me either way.

“I’m sorry,” Jax says and catches me by surprise. The empty beer bottle is frozen
to my lips and my eyes widen. It’s not as if I’ve never heard her say those words
before, but it’s definitely a rare occurrence for Jax to regret anything she says
or does. I don’t say a word when she gazes down at her hands. “Please stay. I won’t
call you that anymore.”

I lower the bottle from my lips. “Ever?” I say raising my eyebrows.

She lifts her head and connects with my eyes. “Ever.” Her hand reaches out and shoves
my right shoulder blade. “But no more Wonder Woman either.”

I grab her wrist before she pulls it away. I miss the days of seeing Wonder Woman
in action, but I guess you can’t relive the past. “Deal,” I say. But I’m still holding
her wrist and for a moment neither of us moves or says anything. As I peer into the
eyes of the girl I watched turn into a woman, I see more changes in her. I don’t suppose
that I’ll ever get used to this constant metamorphosis. Women have such basic needs,
but their make-up is so complex, like some kind of exotic plant.

“C’mon,” Emily says coming up behind Jax. “Let’s get this meat going.”

Jax pulls on her wrist and I release it. She gives me a light smile that seems to
say we’re good. I smile back and hand her my empty beer bottle which she takes reluctantly.
“You two go ahead. I’ll be right there,” I say.

I wander down the hall searching for the bathroom and check out the place on the way.
After I check a couple of doors, I locate the bathroom and step in. An immediate atmosphere
of being backstage at a cabaret show in Las Vegas takes over. You can barely see the
white of the counter that’s covered with a million tiny bottles of who knows what
crap, there’s a black bra and T-shirt on the toilet seat, and cords from various dryers
and irons are tangled in a mess hanging over the edge of the sink. It’s not like we’re
going clubbing or attending a wedding, so I’m baffled by this display. I pick up the
bra and check the size—34C, which I guess is Sage, but I’m far from an expert. When
I see myself in the mirror holding it, I laugh and toss it aside. I did come in here
for a reason, so I decide to get to it. I remove the shirt from the toilet seat, set
it on the edge of the tub, then I lift the seat. Just when I’m about to take a leak,
something catches my eye on the floor behind the toilet. I stare at a long, white,
plastic stick as I’m pissing. When I finish, I reach over and pick it up. It takes
two seconds before I let out a “shit.” I’ve seen enough of those commercials to know
what I’m looking at, but I don’t have any idea why.

I set it on the counter while I wash my hands, unable to take my eyes off it. I put
the toilet lid down, turn and take a seat. “What the hell?” I whisper to myself, staring
at it in confusion. It could belong to the people that live here. I flash back to
the pictures I saw in the hallway a minute ago—grown sons and a somewhat older couple.
Not likely. Which means… My brain runs over possible scenarios, but this is not something
you blurt out, “Who saw the new Ironman movie? Oh yeah, and which one of you got knocked
up?” I would say Emily is the most obvious, but after our latest conversation, I’m
not sure about that.

I glance over at the sink and try to determine if all three girls have been using
this bathroom even though by the mess it should be obvious. There are three toothbrushes
in the holder and three small nylon bags that appear to hold toiletries. “Shit.”

“What are you doing in there?” I hear after a couple of loud knocks on the door.

I stand abruptly, as if I’d been caught doing something indecent. The bra thing doesn’t
count. I take one last look at the stick. I’m ninety percent sure this thing is supposed
to have some kind of lines on it which means no one ever pissed on it. I have no idea
what I’m going to do or say when I walk out of here, but for now, I cram it in my
pocket and open the bathroom door.

At just after noon, we’re sitting at the patio table, eating. It’s chilly and we’re
wearing sweatshirts, except for Ned. We’re used to winter at the beach and welcome
the change in both the weather and the feel around our community. The waves have picked
up, causing jet skis and boats to chop across the water. A giant bounce house in the
grass area sways in the wind, causing shrieks from kids inside.

I watch as Emily’s stare gravitates toward the children. She fidgets with her food,
probably unsure what to do with a full plate she has all to herself. Sage and Ned
make small talk, and I wonder if she’s asking him about that party. I understand she
doesn’t want to go alone, but it bothers me that Ned is her back-up. She’s always
had a way of getting men to do what she wants.

We all grow quiet for a time, and then Ned brings up the one thing I don’t want to
talk about.

“So Jax, you still seeing Dale?”

My stomach feels suddenly empty, even though I had downed two pieces of chicken and
slid my teeth across a corn on the cob. Thinking of Dale means thinking of my recent
appointment, and I’d worked so hard to forget that. “No, it’s over,” I say. I start
to stack everyone’s used paper plates, hoping that will be the end of the conversation.

“Sorry to hear that. He was pretty cool, except for that hair,” Ned says.

“What are you talking about, Ned? What’s wrong with his hair?”

“Are you freakin kidding me?” he says almost laughing. “It’s all long and scraggly,
like he thinks he’s Kid Rock or Jesus or something.”

They all laugh and I do too, thankful for the distraction. “I liked it,” I say. “It
made him look rugged.” The eagle tattooed behind his left shoulder was pretty sexy,
too. I blink to erase the image.

“Yeah, but he was no Mr. X,” Sage says.

“Oh, God, no.” I throw a loose kernel of corn at her. One of the paper plates catches
in the wind and almost blows away before I slap a hand down on it.

“Who’s Mr. X?” Ned says. His face is alight with curiosity.

I can’t believe this hasn’t been brought up in front of him before. I’m not the type
of person to be shy, but this is the one thing I don’t want to share with Ned. I don’t
want him to have any more ammunition against me.

Before I have a chance to answer, Sage jumps in. “He was the best kiss of Jax’s life.
I believe she used the word ‘magical’.”

Crap
, I think.

Ned looks at me as though he’s won the lottery. After agreeing to give up my nickname,
he now has something new to tease me with. Through a wide smile, he asks, “He’s the
best kiss of your life and you don’t remember his name?”

“I remember,” I say defensively. “It was Harry…or Harlan…something with an H.”

“How old were you?” Ned asks.

Again, the story continues without me when Emily speaks up. “Remember when we all
went to Mom’s company picnic our junior year? Sage, I don’t think you were able to
go for some reason.”

“Yeah, my dad probably didn’t want me exposed to the working middle class,” Sage says
with a tiny laugh, but we all know that’s probably true.

“I remember that,” Ned says. “It was boring and mom made me carry all those chairs
to some guy’s truck after it was over.” His eyes travel back to me. “So when did this
perfect kiss happen…and what was so great about it anyway?”

“First of all, he was older, so maybe at the time I thought he was more experienced,”
I say turning from his stare and trying to sound matter-of-fact. My emotional attachment
to this memory always comes out, but I try to keep it reined it. “He had to be at
least twenty-one because he was openly drinking a beer, dark hair, five o’clock shadow.”
I get up and finally dump the plates I was holding in the trash. Then I drop down
in a chair and rest my hands on my knees. “I was sitting on the steps watching the
skateboarders dropping into the bowl, and he came and sat down next to me.”

“What a lech,” Ned says, interrupting me. “He was probably stalking you and saw you
wandered off alone.”

“Let her finish,” Sage says smacking him in the arm. “This is where it gets good.”

“Anyway, we were just talking. I don’t even remember about what. Then all of sudden
he asks if I’ve ever been kissed.”

“What an ass,” Ned says.

“Stop!” Emily and Sage yell in unison.

“So I say, ‘yeah, of course’ but as soon as I say it I realize my stupid mistake.
So then I add, ‘but not properly’ and I look him right in the eye. His smile was the
sexiest thing I’d ever seen. I could tell I’d surprised him. Then he said,”—now Sage
and Emily jump in to say their favorite part of the story with me—“‘well, that’s a
shame, Darlin’.’”

“I can’t believe you fell for that,” Ned says. He shakes his head, then gets up to
retrieve a beer from the mini-fridge.

“Do you want to hear the rest of this or not?”

He takes a long swallow. “I don’t know if I can take any more of this douche. But
go ahead.”

“Harlan—that’s what I’m calling him—tells me he’d like to help me out but there would
be too many people watching. He said if I want to make things right to meet him at
the big tree right after sundown. And then he walked away. So of course, I’m there
at the tree waiting. When the sun was all the way down, I started to get pissed. I
don’t know how much time passed, but after a while, I felt like an idiot. I remember
looking through the darkness and seeing that people were getting ready to leave, and
I figured it was time to give up.”

Ned is finally captivated by my story and is now hanging on my every word. When I
pause, he says, “Well, what happened? Don’t leave me hanging now.”

“I leaned my back up against the tree and looked into the sky. I was searching for
a sign. I told myself that if the star I was looking at sparkled within ten seconds,
then it meant he wasn’t coming and I should leave. After five seconds, the star twinkled
and I sighed, ready to walk away. But then, I heard him whisper my name from behind
the tree. I was so happy he showed, I decided to forget about the star and the fact
that he was late. I played along and whispered back. He asked if I was ready or if
I’d changed my mind. I whispered that I was ready. He told me to close my eyes and
that I had to keep them closed no matter what. I was nervous and excited, so I was
happy to oblige him and play along by closing my eyes.” I stop at that point in the
story and shrug.

“So?” Ned says.

“Sorry, that’s all you get. Someday I might tell you the rest.”

Emily and Sage have heard the ending plenty of times. When I go back to that moment
all those feelings come rushing back, and I’m not sure I want that vulnerability to
surface in front of Ned. So I don’t tell him how Mr. X came from behind the tree and
stopped in front of me, so close I felt his breath on my lips. And I don’t say how
he slipped a hand behind my lower back and pulled me even closer, so that my chest
was pressed against his and I gasped. Or how I parted my lips and he whispered into
them, “Keep your eyes closed.” There was something so seductive about it, I probably
would have done anything he said. Then he brushed the hair from my forehead and slid
two fingers down the side of my cheek. He had to have felt the heat on my skin beneath
his touch. His lips planted a tiny peck on the corner of my mouth, readying me for
his kiss. But instead, his head moved to my neck. He kissed my collarbone and then
slid his lips all the way up my neck and to just underneath my jawline, sending electrical
shocks to every part of my body. Finally, his mouth made it to mine, hovering over
it for a moment, or possibly forever if you ask my heart, then all at once devouring
me in a long, slow kiss that somehow had much more meaning than something between
two strangers. When he pulled away, and his hand slide from my waist, I kept my eyes
shut, hoping to somehow contain the moment. But then suddenly I knew his presence
was gone, and I opened my eyes.

“C’mon, Jax. I won’t laugh,” Ned says. “I promise.”

I smile and walk to the grill to double check it’s off, content with myself. Sage
and Emily love that story because it’s something only I would have done. Whatever
they think of me and what I’ve done with my life, I believe there’s always going to
be a small part of them that envy that memory. An experience that shows I had no regrets
growing up because I lived by instinct. I only wish I could still say that’s true.

●●●

Later, we take chairs down to the grassy area next to the rocks and sand. It’s still
fairly cold out, but the wind will soon die down as the sun sets. Despite the temperature,
there are people down by the water, and families on the grass and in the play area.
Emily and Ned play paddle ball, showing off the fact that they still have the special
twin synchronicity. 

Sage and I are watching and I can’t stop myself from counting the number of hits.
Ned dives for one that’s too far left and actually saves it. It’s the most sporty
thing I’ve seen him do in years. He says he plays basketball with his friends, but
I’ve never seen it.

“I know you’re counting,” Sage says to me as I swag my head back and forth. “Stop
that and talk to me.”

“What do you want to talk about?” I say, not looking at her.

“Dad says you never called Ian Shepard about that admin position.”

This causes me to lose count, and I turn her way. This is not the first time Sage
has tried to arrange an interview for some job for me. You’d think she’d learn. “Sage,
I told you…”

“I know. You can’t work in an office. But there’s much more to this than sitting around
answering phones.”

“Oh, you mean traveling with him to meetings, taking notes, and handing him his towel
when he gets out of the shower? No thanks.”

“Of course not,” Sage says. “I was only trying to help you.”

I’m sure she believes that, but still it bothers me that she assumes I’m not happy
doing what I’m doing.

The ball flies past Ned and rolls near our feet. When he comes to retrieve it, he
says, “Can one of you grab my ball, please?”

We both smile, but neither of us moves. “I’m sure you can handle grabbing your own
ball,” I say.

“Oh, yeah,” Sage says. “I’m sure he’s grabbed his ball a million times.”

“Just plain cruel, ladies.” Ned picks up the ball and runs back to his spot.

“Or maybe you have?” I say before I even realize I’ve said it. It’s none of my damn
business what Ned and Sage have done or not done, so I’m not sure what’s got into
me.

“Geez, Jax,” Sage says, which I’m aware is not an answer.

But I let her off the hook and say, “Sorry. About the job…thanks for trying to
help
, but I don’t need anything. I’m happy at the bar, and at the tattoo shop, and spending
time at Oak Grove, and whatever else
I
decide to do.” By the time I get to the end of that sentence my tone has stiffened
up.

“Okay, but when…I mean
if
you’re ready, you let me know,” Sage says as if my life is a waiting game.

I hike my knees up onto the chair and pull my sweatshirt down over them. “I will.
And if you ever want to get away from Cruella over there, let me know. I can get Bubba
to give you an interview at the tattoo shop.”

When Ned and Emily finally give up on paddle ball, they join Sage and me. Ned tears
into a box of brownie bites I found in the cupboard. Sage is looking to the side,
watching a dad walking and holding the hand of a toddler. I offer her a brownie, but
she doesn’t hear me. “Sage,” I say again and tap her arm. She turns back to me and
her eyes appear glassy, perhaps from the wind. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” she says then sees me offering her a brownie. “Oh, no, thanks.”

I snag one from the box and pop it in my mouth. Then I look beyond the water to the
mountains in the distance. The weather couldn’t be any crappier unless it was raining,
but this is still turning out to be a memorable day. I don’t feel as close to Sage
and Emily as I used to, but days like today keep us connected and remind us that at
one time in our lives, our friendship was the most important thing in the world. Our
hearts and souls were fused together back then, and I don’t believe any amount of
time or separation can ever erase that truth.

I look over at my two friends, and a sense of home settles upon me. There is comfort
and safety here, even with Ned. Emily appears much more relaxed than when she arrived
last night, but I’d be willing to bet she will try to leave tonight. Sage hasn’t looked
at her phone since we walked over to this spot. As much as she is trying to change
the direction of my life, I guess I have to admit I’m doing the same with her. I want
more for her than just a career. I don’t want her to wake up one day and realize all
the living she missed out on. I watch Sage smile and hope that she understands Rose’s
decision when she hears it. I’m glad she waited to tell Sage so we could enjoy this
weekend.

“Look,” Emily says interrupting my thoughts. “Surfers on the bayside.”

Across the way, walking on the cement path are two surfers holding boards. One is
wearing a wetsuit, the other swim trunks and a backpack over his shoulder. I smile
when I see them cross onto the grass toward us.