Choices (30 page)

             
“Carter.” I whisper against his lips. He opens his eyes and looks at me. “I want to…” I swallow, suddenly shy to say it. “Make love to me.” He raises an eyebrow. “I want to.”

             
“This isn’t comfortable though. It’s such a hard surface.”

             
“I don’t care. I’m tired of worrying about comfort. I just want you, all of you. Please.” I plead. He grins kissing my nose.

             
“You don’t have to beg. I’d do anything for you.” I do wish we had pillows for padding because he is right about it being uncomfortable. But I shake my thoughts and bask in the glory of his presence and the warmth he provides me. “Okay. How do you want to do this?”

             
“Umm, well do I have to tell you how it’s done?” I tease, as I get on my knees and lean over him. A wide smile spreads over his face as I straddle his lap.

             
“Oh, are you taking dominance? I think I like that.” He grips my hips, pulling me as close as he can get. We kiss and it feels like I’m soaring high above the clouds. It’s a feeling, a high I never want to come down from. There’s nothing more romantic than making love under the stars with someone who makes you weak in the knees every time you look at them. Flutters in my belly make me pause, telling Kylie to relax and go to sleep.  “Are you sure you want to do this?”

             
“Of course I do. I mean, as long as you’re not weirded out by it.”

             
“Not really. I see people do it all the time on TV. I just don’t want to hurt you. Or her.”

             
“Just shut up and make love to me already.” I smile, moving my legs in a more bearable position. I feel heavier than usual these days and it’s so hard to do anything without breaking a sweat. There’s a slight breeze, but it’s not enough to really need a coat since it’s late March, it’s just a little windy. Carter wraps a blanket around us. I pull his shirt up over his head and trail kisses down his chest. He leans his head back, clearly enjoying my feisty side taking over. I unbuckle his belt and just before I get to the zipper, he grabs me, kissing me fiercely. His hands grip the bottom of my dress and he slowly moves it up...up...up, all the while gazing at me intently. I want him to just rip it off of me already. I guess the hormones are going crazy, making me really bold or horny. Whichever. It’s still foreign to me. I wasn’t always so dominant or forward when it came to sex. Although with Nick, it was different. I can’t really explain it. But he didn’t make me feel beautiful when we were intimate. I was shyer around him.

             
“Gracie?” Carter pulls me away from my thoughts. Wait, why was I thinking about his cousin while being in his warm arms? I look at him, waiting for him to continue. “I don’t want this to be about sex. Us. You’re so much more to me than that. I just want you to know. So if you don’t want to do this, please tell me. I’m perfectly content to just hold you in my arms all night.” It’s the things he says that make me love him so much more. I lean down and kiss him again. I don’t think it’s about sex with us, it never was. He saw me at my worst and he still pursued me. He found out I was pregnant and didn’t turn away. He learned the truth about the father and he still stuck by me. I couldn’t love another person more than I love him-except my baby of course.

             
“Carter, it’s not about sex. It’s about showing our love for one another. It’s about expressing our feelings for each other without words. It’s about two people who share a connection so strong, so deep that no one could take it away. If I didn’t want to do this, I wouldn’t. I’d tell you to stop. But I’m not. I’m begging you to believe me. I want this. I want you.” Satisfied with my confession, he slips the rest of my dress off my body, running his hands up and down my back. I shiver under his soft touch. I run my fingers through his hair, loving the silky feel between my fingertips. He trails kisses from my neck down to my breasts and back up. A moan slips out from my lips as I tip my head back giving him more access. Being intimate with this amazing guy is the perfect way to end my birthday. Maybe turning 18 wasn’t such a bad thing.

Chapter 41

“Can you believe this day has come?” Meg asks me as we are walking to third period.

             
“Not hardly.” I answer. I’m not sure which day she is referring to so I just go along with it.

             
“This week we will pick out your dress.” Oh that day, prom. It’s pretty unfortunate I have to show up to my senior prom like a fat cow. But at least all of the shit talking has stopped-thanks to Nick. Still, I almost didn’t get a dress or plan on going at all. Carter convinced me, wanting me to enjoy this last experience in high school. I guess, I had to agree with him. With my due date nearing, my mind has been so focused on getting things ready for Kylie’s arrival. Prom was furthest from my mind. But I guess, I can just pretend to be a normal eighteen year old for one more night. I probably won’t be going out for a long time, here’s my last chance.

             
“Actually, I bought my dress already.” I say. I see a flash of disappointment cross her face and I instantly kick myself for opening my mouth. It was supposed to be our thing, we’d talked about this day for years-being seniors on the eve of our last night in this hell hole (her words, not mine though I don’t disagree). But things have changed and I was kind of forced into this shopping ordeal with my mother. I couldn’t say no after everything she’s done for me.

             
“Oh, well what does it look like?”

             
“It’s purple with spaghetti straps, a v-neck and beaded on the front. It’s elegant and a little short but still appropriate.” Her eyes light up as she smiles. I love it and I know Carter will too. My choices in dresses were limited because I was so picky and pretty much vetoed every other dress my mother offered to me. But we agreed on this one.

             
“I can’t wait to see it!”

             
“I’m sorry you didn’t get a chance to come. It was last minute planning while we were shopping for baby stuff. And then we walked past the maternity store and well, the rest is history.”

             
She hugs me. “It’s totally fine. I understand. Things have really changed haven’t they?” Right before I answer, she blurts out, “But let’s not dwell on what didn’t happen. Let’s concentrate on what is going to happen. Tonight! We are seniors and in love and are going to have the best night ever.” I smile and silently hope that is the case.

             
“Gracie Jordan, please report to the principal’s office. Gracie, to the principal’s office.” Hearing my name on the loud speaker brings down Meg’s high about ten notches. I look up at the ceiling as if somebody is actually there.

             
Meg looks at me skeptically, “What the hell did you do now?” I shake my and look at her, not sure what to say. Did I do something I’m unaware of? I haven’t been called to the office in years, and it was mostly for good reasons.

             
“I have no idea.” She gives me a sympathetic smile, patting me on the back.

             
“I’m sure it was nothing. Maybe just about your future, which already seems to be planned out.” I nod. I get up and gather my stuff. “I’ll talk to you later.” Then I head to the office.

             
“Close the door please.” Sylvia says as I enter the room, then I take my seat. She’s filling out paperwork. Her desk is cluttered with stacks and stacks of paper. I study her pictures on her desk. One is of her and maybe her sister when they were younger, and getting along. I feel bad for her. Her sister is such a bitch. My hands are shaking with nerves so I place them in my lap. “Don’t be nervous. I called you in here to discuss your future.” I let out a sigh of relief and slouch down, relaxing.

             
“Okay?”

             
“Do you plan to go to college?” I had thought about it, but not since before I learned of my newfound fate. I suppose it can still be a possibility.

             
“I haven’t thought about it much. A lot going on right now, with the baby coming and all, my thoughts have been elsewhere.” She leans into her desk, placing her hands on top, folding them as she smiles at me.

             
“You always have time for school. I’m sure you’ll get plenty of help if you asked. Night classes are a good start, even if it’s just one or two.”

             
“Okay, I will talk to my parents. I’m sure they would be delighted to help if it meant continuing my education. Thanks Sylvia.”

             
“Um, it’s Mrs. Jenkins here. But you’re welcome.” I rise from my seat and she stops me. “And Gracie?” I turn around to face her and wait for her to continue. “I’m here to help too. My son loves you and I’ve never seen him this happy, given all that has happened in the past. So I thank you for being responsible for that. Anything you need, please don’t hesitate.”

             
“Thank you. I appreciate it. Really, thank you for being so kind.” I smile and leave her office.

             
“I told you it was nothing.” Meg says to me, as we’re munching on our lunch. Its pizza day and I’ve already had two slices. It’s not the best tasting pizza I’ve had, but it’s satisfying enough.

             
“How are you feeling?”

             
“Like a whale. My feet are so swollen, I can’t even see them.” These last few weeks have been the worst. I don’t walk now, I waddle. It’s embarrassing.

             
“Wait!” Meg yells, looking straight ahead. Usually that means she’s come up with an idea, which could be ludicrous.

             
“Uh oh. What idea did your crazy brain cook up now?” I ask both worried and curious.

             
“Okay so you are thinking of going to college, right?”

             
“It was a thought, yes. Why?”

             
“What if you moved in with Carter? That way he can help take care of the baby when you’re at class or something. Oh and because you love each other and all that good stuff.” I gape at her in surprise and shock. It might not be a bad idea, if he asked me to. But the fact that she is volunteering it is a little unsettling.

             
“Um, as good as that sounds Meg, I’m not going to invite myself to move into his place and disrupt his life, just so he can take care of the baby. Dammit, I mean Kylie.” I spent so much time addressing her as “the baby” that it’s taking me getting used to calling her by name. I rub my belly in a silent apology for the insult. “Besides, he hasn’t asked me so there’s no point in thinking that he will.”

             
She points at me while her eyes widen. “Ha! You want him to ask you though, don’t you? Oh my God, so if he asked you to move in with him, you’d say yes?” It’s a bit surprising to me that she would even ask such a question. After all, we’ve been through who wouldn’t say yes? I look down and pick at my nails that need some serious manicuring done before prom.

             
“Maybe, I mean I love him and I can see a future with him. But I am not getting my hopes up just yet. Baby steps.”

             
It’s the week before prom and there’s so much to do. Being eighteen now and legal is still foreign to me.  Well, legal in some ways. The fact that my boyfriend will be legal in all ways in a few months is pretty cool. Not that I really care. I have no interest in drinking. Once Kylie is born, I have to plan something special for him. I sit on my bed gazing at my dress that’s hanging on the back of my closet door. My mind drifts off to Carter and what he’s wearing for the special night. A smile spreads across my face. Then I’m plagued with thoughts of Nick. Is he going to be there? Can he forgive me for choosing Carter over him? Will he ever forgive his cousin for the past? Why does it even matter? He chose football over me, technically over Kylie.

             
“Sweetie.” My mother peaks in my room and pushes her way over to my bed and sits down beside me.

             
“I love that color. It’s going to look gorgeous on you.” I smile as we both stare at the dress and say nothing.

             
“I can’t wait to see Carter in his prom attire.” He could wear only boxers or a knapsack on his head and I’d still find him attractive. It’s his heart that matters to me, his outward appearance is just a bonus-a big bonus I might add.

             
“I want to work at the café again, mom.” I blurt out.

             
“Honey, you’re so close to your due date, that’s not a good idea right now.” I tilt my head to the side. She misunderstood me.

             
“No, I mean when she’s born. And please call her by her name and not “the baby”. I say, but soon realize she never said that. I think my head is jumbled with so many thoughts and questions and confusion, I can’t keep up.

             
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that out loud. I seem to be voicing my thoughts quite a bit lately. She smiles and pats my hand.

             
“Oh I understand. This is an emotional time for you. But we’ll talk about all of that when Kylie is here.” I lay my head on her shoulder, suddenly really tired.

             
“I’m thinking about college too.” This gets her attention and her smile widens. She shifts her body to face me.

             
“What made you decide school?” I tell her about my visit with Sylvia, my principal and how she offered to help in any way, with babysitting or otherwise. She nods, raises her eyebrows, oohs and ahhs at the prospect of me contemplating college. When I finish her face shows of excitement and thoughtfulness. “Well, your father is going to be thrilled to hear this.” I lay back on my bed, stretching my legs out and stare at the ceiling.

             
“Maybe I should paint this room to make it look more like a nursery.” I tell her.

             
“That would be nice, but we should have someone else do it. You are not supposed to be around paint fumes while you’re pregnant.”

             
“Oh yeah, I knew that.”

             
“Well, we’ll talk about this later. For now, just take it easy. Don’t overwhelm your mind. You’ll go crazy.” Already there, I think to myself. She smiles at me again before retreating to my door and into the hall.

             
I let out a sigh and start to close my eyes, pulling my knees up to my chest as I fight the cool breeze from my fan blowing above me. As I start to drift off, I hear a knock at the door and my mind tricks me. I smile and sit up before finding the intruder is not who I suspected. My smile vanishes and I’m on the defense.

             
“What are you doing here?”

             
“I came to talk to you.” I glare and keep from kicking him out of my room.

             
“About?”

             
“You were right. I’ve been letting my mother control my life ever since I can remember. I just wanted to make her proud and she always thought I would excel in football. I went along with it. My brother was always the perfect one in my dad’s eyes. I wanted my mother to love me more. She’s had me on some fucking pedestal and I wanted to live up to her expectations.” I’m a little shocked to hear he finally sees the truth. “I’ve lost touched with myself in the process. And I wish I had never cared what she thought.” I do too.

             
“How did you get in here?”

             
“Through the front door. Your brother answered and let me in. Why? Do you have some secret passageway I didn’t know about?” Before I knew what happened, he moved to my bed next to me. He’s too close for comfort but I don’t show my unease. I just study him. His hair is slicked back away from his face neatly. He’s dressed in jeans and a Cashmere sweater. He looks nice, and is staring at my mouth. I squirm and try to move away as he grabs my arm.

             
“I’m sorry. For everything. I know my apology means shit at this point.” I am unsure of what to say, so I say nothing. It’s an awkward silence and it sets me off. I wish he’d never come over. I don’t need to deal with this right now.

A few minutes pass and we are still silent. I do miss him, as my friend. It kills me that things are so strained between us. “Look, I can accept your apology. But I’m really tired.”

              “Okay, I’ll take it as a hint. I’m sorry to bother you.” He starts to get up and I rise from my bed to stop him. What for, I’m not sure.

             
“Wait, I just…” He grabs my shoulders and crunches his mouth to mine, kissing me with so much force, I struggle to catch my breath. “What the fuck?” I’m in shock and soon that leads to anger.

He backs away, both hands out in front of him in surrender. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I’m so sorry.” His voice is a plea and my hand is covering my mouth, my eyes wide. He apologizes one more time before darting out of the room. I want to go after him, after seeing the hurt and guilt in his eyes. But I don’t. I sit down on my bed, so confused and sick to my stomach.