Choices (13 page)

He was sound asleep when I burst into his dorm room in my drunken stupor.

“Okay”, I said and took a deep breath. “Okay, so I’m just going to come right out and say this
.” By this time I was sweating profusely and wringing my hands and Paul was still sound asleep. “Paul, I’ve been thinking. I can’t stand to just pretend to be friends with you anymore. We have too much history together.” I was swaying now and playing with my hair, losing my hand in my snarled curls. “Paul? Paul? Are you awake? Did you hear anything I said? Paul, stop playing games with me. I know you’re listening.” He continued to snore and gurgle away. “Paul, I love you and I want us to be together.” I flopped onto his bed and draped myself over him and then passed out.

“Hey, sunshine? You awake? You feeling any better?”

“Hmm?” I rubbed at my eyes and looked down at myself and ran a hand through my snarled, knotted mess of what should be called my crowning glory.

“What the hell happened?” I felt like I was wearing a fur coat in my mouth, a really smelly, old one at that.

“You don’t remember do you?”

“Oh, shit! What did I do?” I groaned.

“Well, to start with, you woke me up from a sound sleep and started puking in my bed. I jumped up and grabbed your hair and put it back, found the bucket and watched you puke up everything but your lungs. Jesus, Laur, what did you drink?” He smoothed the hair out of my eyes and rubbed a hand down my back.

“Kamikazes. Where’s your roommate?” I smiled sheepishly.

“Holy crap, Kamikazes! Laurel, you know what happens to you when you start doing shots of Kamikazes! Don’t you remember from the last time? And Bill is out with O’Neil. I’m sure those two are recovering from their benders at O’Neil’s apartment.

“Shh…stop yelling…it’s too loud…must sleep.” I smelled something sweet and savory coming from next to the bed.

“What’s that smell? It’s making me hungry and want to puke again all at the same time.” I sniffed the air. It smelled of puke and pancakes.

“It’s breakfast; pancakes, eggs, bacon and milk. I swiped it from the cafeteria. I also ran out and got you a toothbrush and some girly soap and shampoo. You can clean up after you eat and I can fumigate this nasty dorm room.” He smiled and reached for the fork and knife.

“You went and got me breakfast? And then you went and got me a toothbrush and soap and shampoo.” I sniffed the soap and the shampoo as he handed it to me and I sighed. “Wow that really does smell awesome. It’s combination of lavender and vanilla. Where the hell did you find that up here at Happy Valley?” I managed to choke out while I wolfed down the pancakes.

“Oh, I have my secrets! I’ll never tell.” He smirked and reached to take the fork from my hand when I remembered why I came to him in the first place. I gave him a murderous look.

“What? I know that look! Jesus, what did I do now? I thought I was being a good and thoughtful boy.”

“Hmph! Good and thoughtful boy my ass! You probably swiped this from your latest conquest and …” He silenced me by shoving more pancakes in my mouth.

“Shut up Laurel and listen to me. I don’t know why you came here last night but I’m so thankful you did. I want to tell you something. I know I screwed up. I know I was really stupid when I said I wanted to see other people. Yeah, well, that didn’t work out because every time I was with someone else all I could see was your smile and that beautiful, wavy, sexy red hair of yours. I’m such an idiot Laurel. Please, I belong to you and you belong to me and …” I threw myself against him and started to kiss him.

“You think my hair is sexy?” He nodded and loosened the ponytail holder and let it cascade around my face.

“Beautiful and sexy and all mine. I want you to wear it just like this on our wedding day.”

“Just like this! Paul, I don’t think…” I gulped and I could feel my eyes grow huge in my head.

“Are you…Did you…Say it again.” I whispered. “I wasn’t ready.”

He moved off the bed still holding his arms about my waist and got on one knee. He was calm and smiling and I was sweating and shaking.

“
Look, Laurel, I’ve made mistakes. Lots of them and you were always there to help me realize how stupid I was, correction, am. This last mistake was too hard to handle by myself and I understood, finally, that I didn’t want to handle them by myself anymore. Laurel, the only promise I can make is that I will always love you. ALWAYS. I can’t promise that I won’t screw up because I know I will but if you’re willing to accept that, then I want you and only you, to be my forever friend, my wife. Will you take this ring, wear it and marry me?” He pulled out a beautiful marquis diamond shaped ring.

“Where on earth did you get that? When did you get that? How did you pay for that? How long have you known? I just wanted to get back together. I never expected this.”

“Laurel, honey, are you going to just leave me hanging or are you going to answer the question?” I looked up at him uncomprehendingly and suddenly my brain began clicking things into place. I smiled and shook my head.

“YES!” I screamed without a moment’s hesitation and threw myself at him until we fell together on the floor.

He made love to me that morning, sweetly, slowly and oh so gently even though I didn’t brush my teeth or use the sweet smelling soap and shampoo until we were through.  I knew in that moment that we did belong to each other. Forever. My only mistake with forever was my naivety. I froze that morning in
my mind for decades. I thawed it out when Paul’s drinking was too difficult to bare. It helped save my marriage from an early death, kept me holding on, believing in a promise of words once spoken in love and trust and friendship. Unfortunately, forever isn’t a crystal ball foretelling of the circumstances that evolve in a marriage that we have no control over no matter how hard we insist on taking the steering wheel. Sometimes, as painful as it is, love isn’t enough.

Sixteen years later, three kids, a huge mortgage payment, car payments, orthodontists bills, horseback riding lesson, gymnastics, cheerleading, football, life was calling us and Paul and I were falling apart. How did that happen? I always made a promise to myself that I was never going to be one of those couples who don’t make time for each other, who run at the first sign of trouble but I can’t do this alone anymore. I can’t be the only one wearing the boxing gloves. He has a serious problem that he just doesn’t want to admit. I can’t do it for him. He needs to take the first step. Yeah, I’ve been to a few meetings, the first step- admittance of a problem. You watched those stories on Oprah about how couples lost each other while they raised their children that the children’s lives overtook the couples or they split because they couldn’t weather the storm. Well, that wasn’t going to happen to me. Not, Laurel Brittingham, I was enlightened! I watched Oprah and knew all the warning signs. Yeah! I watched Oprah, alright. Yeah! I knew the warning signs and I let them all slip right between my fingers like a slimy, wet fish. I was starting to give up. I wasn’t feeling particularly loyal anymore. I could be supportive and encouraging but I certainly can’t conquer an addiction by myself, especially one that wasn’t even mine. I was feeling used up like a smelly dirty sponge that just couldn’t hold any more water through its rips and stringy tears. That was my part in the demise of my marriage, I was giving up. It was hard to comprehend because it was so against my nature. I’m such a fighter, tooth and nail, but this time I was giving up. All marriages go through peaks and valleys. They ebb and flow. These last couple of years the valley just became too high to crawl out of. I just became too tired to drag an unwilling partner to the roller coaster of life line. He just didn’t want to ride the ride anymore, whether it was because of me or not, I never knew for sure but knowing Paul like I do, he always really hated to be tied down and forced to be something he truly wasn’t. Everyone’s in love with the idea of love and marriage but when push comes to shove some people aren’t up to the task, some people prefer to mask the pain of the reality of love and marriage.  Pretending. Fake. Illusions. Words you never want to associate with marriage but yet somehow they were becoming part of my silent secret vocabulary I kept well hidden, buried deep inside those dark recesses of your soul. The ones that come out late at night to haunt you before you try to fall asleep or greet you in the morning to remind you, you aren’t living an authentic life. What was happening?

Liz
, my faithful sister, was the only one I could call who would take my kids for a whole weekend no questions asked. Lisa, the oldest one and no less faithful, has older children who are really nosy just like her and would ask a lot of questions. A LOT! Liz never understood what I saw in Paul. Liz always thought he was a nice enough guy but believed I needed someone who would unleash my hidden spontaneity and free spirit she swore I possessed but was too cowardly to embrace. I think she would approve wholeheartedly of Brandon. I walked calmly up the stairs and locked my bedroom door. The little people were entertained with an afternoon movie of High School Musical 3. I started to make my plans in my head and realized I needed to sit down due to the sheer overwhelming madness of keeping my lies straight.
I don’t think I’ll be able to do this!
My friends always referred to me as the straight shooter - the honest one.
How was I going to pull this off? Alright, let’s see...first call Liz, then tell the kids to get packed, where and what do I tell the kids I’m doing and going anyway? Call Paul and tell him where I’m going and what I’m doing, Call Kristy - she’s the second person who will cover for me as well, oh and I have to pack too. Pick up the phone and get started...

“Hi Liz, do me a favor?”

“Oh
, I so know that tone!” Liz chuckled into the phone

“Please, I can’t explain now, but, I will. Please, please, take my little people for the weekend. You can reach me by my cell phone in case of emergencies. Please don’t ask any questions and I promise I will fill you in. If Paul should call you just tell him you wanted the kids for the weekend and the girls and I got away for an impromptu girls’ weekend at Bonnie’s beach house.  Can you come and pick them up in an hour?” My words streamed together so quickly I don’t think I even understood what I just said.

“Jeez, Laurel, what the fuck is going on? You sound absolutely scared and thrilled all at the same time. Of course I’ll pick up the kids. I haven’t seen them in quite some time. But before I do this, you have to promise me that you are okay and safe?” She used her most impressive big sister tone.

“Yes, Liz
, I am perfectly safe and okay. I know it sounds crazy right now, but I promise, I will fill you in. Believe it or not you would approve.” I answered with a smile on my face and in my voice.

“Alrighty then, mystery weekend
is under way. I’ll be there in an hour. See you then. I love you.”

“Thank you so much. I love you and owe you too.” I hung up the phone and begun my next round of plans.

One hour and fifteen minutes later, I was in my car headed north on 95. Of course the traffic was abominable on a Thursday night. People were taking
a jump start to their weekend and come to think of it so was I. Since I made up my mind to experience this weekend I refused to focus on any negative thoughts, although I did replay in my head my message I had to leave on Paul’s voicemail, which meant he would be calling sometime over the weekend-ugh!

“Hi Paul. The girls and I were able to escape to Bonnie’s beach house for a
girl’s weekend. All the usual suspects will be there - me, Kristy, Bonnie and Joni. I should be home on Monday afternoon. Liz has the kids this weekend and she took off on Monday, so call me over the weekend on my cell. Bonnie said she was having trouble with the phone line at the beach house. I’ll talk to you soon and I guess I’ll see you when you get home at the end of next week. I love you. Bye.”  It’s funny or scary or odd or however way you want to look at it but I really didn’t feel guilty; at least not yet anyway.

I pulled into a parking lot around the corner from his complex on Walnut Street. I walked into the ultra modern, luxurious lobby and pressed the elevator button for the fourth floor. The lobby looks exactly how I imagined it would look. It was ultra chic and sophisticated with a dark gray marble tile floor, dark paneled walls and beautiful floor to ceiling mirrors with white cylinder lamps stationed alongside the chairs. The chairs were a dark wood to match the walls and they had huge thick white overstuffed cushions. It resembled everything a young, hip, stylish urbanite on the verge of success would want.
Sheesh, how was he able to afford such swankyness without a job?
That’s when I remembered his grandparents. They took really good care of him and Jo when he was younger, so I’m sure they are probably helping him now. I looked completely out of place there with my cut off shorts, windbreaker, and backpack and waterproof trekkers from Land’s End. I left the rest of my gear in the van. Here is where I started to have a mini panic attack as I rode in the elevator.
Alright, Laurel, exactly what have you gotten yourself into now? So easily swayed you are with that line of do first and ask questions later. God, he is charming! I am going to need to be really careful this weekend! I’m on the verge of something really much larger than myself right now. Okay, get a grip and let’s just live in the moment and take everything at face value and not worry about the what ifs…Take a deep breath and now walk out of the elevator to Apt. 417.