Chiaroscuro (8 page)

"I don't think heartbreak is necessary to growing up," Jamie said, raising his eyebrows.

"You'd be surprised how helpful it is, though."

"You've never had your heart broken, surely."

Dune tried to look enigmatic. "You do not know the road map of my heart, Makepeace."

"Anybody who'd break your heart would have to be made of stone."

Dune tossed another sweater at him. "You think too well of people."

"Dunie! Are you a cynic and I never suspected? For shame."

"I'm a realist, that's all. I know that people mean well and usually don't do well, for one thing. I know that falling in love is mostly a matter of timing--and that staying in love takes a lot of effort. And I know that your boyfriend is conspicuously absent during this moving project."

"He's not my boyfriend." Jamie said this with a frown. Nearly a month together and he still had no word for exactly what he and Micah were to each other. Without their job in common they hardly saw each other: Micah couldn't invent reasons to come into the city every day, and Jamie had no excuses to see him at home. Micah was applying to colleges and going to interviews: the fact that he already had over a year of real-world experience put him above other entering freshmen, which was good, Jamie knew.

Still, he wouldn't have minded more than a few hours on Saturday to see Micah--quick fucks were all right if you had no other choice, but Micah deserved more. Micah, Jamie thought with a longing-filled sigh, deserved to be made love to for hours, every inch of his body kissed.

"Anyway, Micah will be here on Saturday to help with the actual moving. He's out in Santa Cruz today."

"He's not applying to that hippie school, is he?"

"It's on his list. I think he's applying to every school in the UC system. He'll probably get accepted to all of them, too." Jamie threw the devil horns and added, "Go Banana Slugs."

Dune snorted with laughter. "Are you going to be okay if he goes someplace like UCLA?"

"Of course I am. I mean--" He shrugged. "I won't have much say in the matter, anyway. Los Angeles or Palo Alto or Santa Cruz--I'll just have to deal with whatever he decides."

"I'd go with UCSF if I had a hot boyfriend I wanted to stay close to."

"We're not boyfriends," Jamie repeated and ducked away from the jeans that Dune threw at him.

***

"Look who I brought," Dune sang out Saturday morning when he showed up to help Jamie move.

"Hi," said Ben with a friendly wave--and Jamie had to stop and stare for a second. Ben's jeans were old and form-fitting and his t-shirt was tight, and Jamie wondered how distracted he'd be during the day with Ben lifting and carrying, muscles straining...

"Hi," he finally remembered to say. "Thanks! How'd Dune convince you to help?"

"He's very persuasive," Ben said and Dune lay his head on Ben's shoulder a moment, grinning. "I have my van--Dune said you'd need something big for hauling."

"Yes, indeed," Jamie said, and Micah sighed loudly behind him. "You remember Micah?"

"Yup. Hey."

"Hey," Micah said, barely polite, and elbowed past Ben and Dune with the box he was carrying. "I'll put this in your car, Jamie."

"'Kay. Well," he said to the other men. "C'mon in, everything's in boxes and bags, and there's not much furniture. What there is should go in the van, I expect."

"Yup. What've you got--bed, sofa, tables?" Ben asked.

"A bed, a futon, a couple of nightstands and a T.V." He climbed the stairs ahead of him, wondering if Ben was watching his ass.

"If you need more people I can call my brothers."

"I think we can handle it. The bed's not heavy, just awkward."

"I'll get started with these boxes," Dune called from downstairs.

"Thanks," Jamie called back and led Ben into his bedroom. "We took it apart already--mmph--"

His words were muffled as Ben kissed him, as fiercely and hungrily as he had at the wedding, holding Jamie's face in both hands and pushing him against the wall. He tasted as warm and sweet as he had before, too, like cookies fresh from the oven.

Jamie melted in his arms a moment, and then gently pushed on his shoulders. "Stop."

Ben didn't pull away far, breathing against Jamie's mouth. "You never called."

"I'm--we're--I'm kind of in a relationship." He looked at Ben through half-closed eyes.

"Oh." Now Ben did step back, and sighed and scrubbed a hand through his hair. "Sorry. I didn't know you and Dune were dating."

"Not Dune and I. It's--um--complicated."

"Oh?" Ben arched an eyebrow. "Complicated how?"

"It just is." He picked up a piece of his bed. "If you don't want to stay--"

"Hey. I said I'd help, I'll help, even if there's no chance of me getting laid later." He grinned easily and picked up the other end.

"Presumptuous," Jamie said. "What if I didn't want to sleep with you?"

Ben laughed as if that were impossible. "Then I'd just have to convince you, wouldn't I?"

***

In the car Micah said, "I still don't like him."

"I know, baby."

"What is he doing here, anyway? He barely knows you. Is he fucking Dune?"

"I don't know," Jamie said with a sigh. "I don't think so. They don't click that way."

Micah started nibbling his fingernails. "Do we click that way?"

Jamie smiled at him. "I think we do, but I know what I'm looking for."

Micah harrumphed and looked out the window, still tearing off his fingernails with his teeth. "Is he better looking than me?"

Jamie reached for his nearest hand. "No."

Micah smiled a little. "He's very tall. Tall, dark, and handsome. Isn't that supposed to be what everybody likes?"

"I like short, sweet, and lovely."

Micah blushed and looked out the window again, but left his hand in Jamie's. "So do I."

"Micah." They were approaching Jamie's new apartment building. He thought it might not be the best time for this conversation--but he didn't know when a better time might come. "I know you don't think of us as boyfriends, but--well, what do you think of us as?"

Micah blinked at him. "What do you mean?"

"We've been sleeping together for a month. That makes us something. Boyfriends is the currently accepted term. Or lovers if you want to be cheesy about it. Or fuck buddies, I suppose, if we're desperate for a name."

"Fuck buddies," Micah muttered and looked out the window again.

"Buddies who fuck."

"I know what it means."

"So are we just fuck buddies, then?"

Micah bit on his thumbnail. "If that's what you want us to be."

"Micah." He pulled the car into the parking garage and looked directly at him. "I want to be your boyfriend."

"Oh," Micah whispered. "Oh."

Jamie waited, and when he didn't say anything else said, "Well, of course there's just being fuck buddies. That's a fine old tradition. Many people do it for years with no ill effects." He threw open the door and got out of the car.

"Jamie--" He got out of the car too. "Don't be mad. Look, I--I--you know I want to be with you."

"Yeah." He opened the back door of the car and lifted out a box. "I know."

Micah didn't move from beside the car. "Jamie! You said you loved me once. Do you?"

Jamie turned to look at him. "I did?"

He nodded rapidly. "The day of the layoffs, when you had drunk so much. So I--" He fidgeted as if he didn't know what to do with his hands. "I didn't think you were serious. I know I'm not supposed to take you seriously when you've been drinking."

"A good rule of thumb, that," Jamie said.

"So. Um."

Jamie hitched up the box on his hip. "Let's get these inside, yeah?" and turned around to climb the stairs.

"I love you too, Jamie," Micah said from behind him.

Jamie closed his eyes a moment, then put down the box and came down the stairs, walking to Micah until they were nose-to-nose, and kissed him. "All right, then," he said. "Can I call you my boyfriend now?"

"Yeah," Micah said, and then laughed and threw his arms around Jamie's neck. "Yeah. You can."

***

Jamie's apartment was on the east side of the building: one bedroom, one bath, a small but well-lit kitchen, and a dining room/office that opened into a sun room that in turn opened to a small balcony. The previous tenant had painted it: a brightly mournful blue in the living room, peach in the bedroom, an aggressive yellow in the kitchen. "Can I repaint it?" Jamie had said when he signed the lease, and the landlord replied, "Oh, thank God, yes."

That project would happen soon enough: first there was arranging his things, framed canvases and boxes of notebooks, clothes and books, the bed, the creaky futon, the nightstands.

The flat was far less cramped and noisy than the first one he'd had in America--and much better than the first flat he'd had on his own, which had been just a bedsit with a communal shower down the hall--but still, he felt a bit deflated when he looked around. He'd had a house--he'd been a homeowner. Now this.

Dune laid a hand on Jamie's shoulder and kissed his hair. "Buck up, Jamie."

"Is it that obvious?"

"You're practically pouting. At least you have a place to live--at least you don't have to get a roommate." He glanced at Micah, who was sitting on the floor, putting together one of Jamie's bookcases. "Unless you really want to."

"We'll see about that," he said, though that made him feel much more cheerful. Micah might feel more inclined to moving in with him now--might be more willing to come out to his family, knowing that he had Jamie at his back.

Dune gave him a significant look and picked up a box of clothes. "Bedroom?"

"Yup." When Dune was in the back room Jamie went to Micah and put his hands on his shoulders, massaging him. "And how are you?"

"This was a lot easier to take apart than put back together." He leaned back against Jamie's knees.

"Do you want me to see if I can find the instructions?"

"Nah--I'm sure you threw them out a long time ago." He closed his eyes. "You know what's funny?"

"Anything involving monkeys in human clothes is usually hilarious."

Micah smiled without opening his eyes. "Dope. I mean, nothing's different but everything is. You know?"

"I know." Jamie bent to kiss the top of Micah's head. "Can you stay tonight?"

"No," Micah said with a sigh. "My mom's picking me up at nine. She wanted to do some shopping with my sister for her prom and then take me home."

Jamie sighed too and sat down on the floor next to him, and put his arm around Micah's shoulders. "I miss you, you know."

"I miss you, too." He leaned against Jamie, their heads together. "I brought up living with you while I go to school last night."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Um. It didn't go over too well. That's why my mom wants to pick me up--to check the place out. And since it only has one bedroom..." He kissed Jamie's cheek.

"So we'll tell her we'll be sharing the bedroom."

"Right," Micah said, rolling his eyes. "She'll love that. I'm going to have to break the news to them very carefully. I have no idea how."

"You say: Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

"And then I spend the next month explaining that yes, I'm sure, no, I'm not interested in girls, no, I'm not going to go to pray-you-straight meetings..." He sighed, and then kissed Jamie, hard. "Let's run away."

"Running away doesn't help. Trust me on this."

"It was worth a shot, I guess." He picked up a shelf for the bookcase as Ben came into the flat with another box.

***

He sent Dune and Ben on their way after beer and pizza and many hugs of thanks, and was alone with Micah. There were still books to shelve and drawings to hang and clothes to put away, but there was time enough for that.

Right now...Micah.

The boy had hauled himself up onto a counter in the kitchen, and sat waiting and swinging his feet. "My mom won't be here for an hour or so."

"Yeah." Jamie leaned his hip against the opposite counter. "What do you want to do?"

Micah slowly smiled. "C'mere."

Jamie crossed the kitchen and stood between his legs, hands on Micah's thighs. "Yeah?"

Micah leaned close, breathing lightly across Jamie's skin. His nose traced Jamie's--the tip of his tongue touched Jamie's lip. "Will you let me fuck you?" he said softly.

"Is that what you want?" He slid his hands up to Micah's waist. "Is that all you want?"

"That's what I want today," Micah said, laying his hands on Jamie's shoulders. "I haven't touched you for a week. And you love me. So you'll let me do anything I want, right?"

"Maybe not anything." Hands under Micah's shirt to touch his warm smooth skin. "Nearly anything." He leaned close to Micah and kissed him, tongue tracing into his mouth.

"Near enough," Micah whispered and thrust his hands into Jamie's hair. He tilted back Jamie's head and licked his throat. Jamie moaned and shivered, smiling, and his fingers kneaded Micah's waist.

Micah tugged Jamie's shirt over his head and kissed his chest, trailing his fingertips over Jamie's ribs. "Is your bed put together?"

"Yeah. Dune even put on clean sheets."

"Oh--that was nice of him."

"I think--" He gasped as Micah's tongue tickled his nipple. "He knew we'd want it."

Micah giggled. "He won't tell anyone, will he?"

"He won't. You've got to relax about that, baby. Most people won't care."

"But the ones who do will care a lot." He shook his head. "Not thinking about it. Not thinking about it anymore." He kissed Jamie again, and then hopped off the counter and tugged on his hands. "C'mon."

Jamie followed along, grinning. "Why, sir, whatever do you plan to do with me?"

"Use you up," Micah said and stopped walking to kiss him again. "Mm..."

Someone was knocking on the door. "I'll get rid of them," Jamie promised and hurried to answer it, pulling on his shirt. He threw open the door.

"Hello, Jamie," Mrs. Ferguson said in a way that was just warm enough to seem sincere. "Is Micah here?"

"Yeah, Mrs. Ferguson--come on in." He sighed and stepped back to let her in.

"Mom!" Micah exclaimed, surprised. "I thought you weren't coming here until nine."