Checkmate (30 page)

The cold of the cellar just highlighted the chill between Mum and me. My last question still echoed between us.

'You really think I tried to kill you?' said Mum sombrely. 'What did Meggie say to you?'

Mum was looking directly at me now. No more sideways glances. We watched each other, only blinking when we absolutely had to. Well, if she really wanted to know, then I would tell her.

'Nana Meggie said that when I was a baby, you were ill and no one realized how bad it was,' I said.

'I had post-natal depression. Puerperal psychosis, to be precise.'

That stunned me. Nana Meggie never told me that. 'So what's puer-whatsit psychosis?'

'It's like a severe form of post-natal depression. You can feel fine for a few hours or days but then the depression comes back. It took a bit longer to manifest itself in me apparently. Usually it's detectable within a few weeks. Mine wasn't apparent until a few months had gone by.'

'Why not?'

'No one was paying much attention,' said Mum.

'To you?' I surmised.

Mum nodded. 'Everyone was focused on you, including me. I couldn't figure out what I was thinking or feeling half the time. And I felt so guilty because I wasn't coping. I was failing miserably and was so desperate not to fail that I got it into my head that you'd be better off without me, without all of us.'

The ground beneath my feet was shifting, like sand on a cloud. I didn't realize Mum's illness had been real.

'Nana Meggie said you . . . you tried to hurt me.'

'I see.'

'She said I almost died, my heart stopped, and after that you went and got some help,' I rushed on.

'I didn't try to hurt you, Callie Rose. Even if you never believe another word I say, it's important that you believe that.'

'So what did happen?' I asked.

'Didn't Meggie tell you all the details?' Mum asked, the bitterness she'd struggled to keep out of her voice now evident.

'No.' I shook my head. 'She only told me what I just told you and she made me promise never to repeat it to anyone, least of all to you.'

'And that way I can't defend myself,' said Mum.

'That's not why she said it,' I said vehemently.

Mum didn't answer.

'Nana Meggie didn't mean it like that,' I persisted.

'If you say so.' Mum shrugged, like she was ambivalent about believing me.

'So are you going to tell me what happened or not?' Inside my head, the words were an entreaty. That's not how they came out though. They came out spiky as barbed wire. At first I thought Mum wasn't going to answer. And to be honest, I wouldn't've blamed her.

'I held you too tight,' Mum said at last. 'That's what it was. I held you too tight.'

'But you weren't trying to hurt me?'

'Never. I'd die first,' said Mum quietly.

If she'd shouted it, I probably wouldn't've believed her. But her tone carried a resolute conviction of its own.

'Callie, all I wanted was to keep you safe and with me. Always and for ever. No one was going to hurt you the way I'd been hurt. No one was going to get to you. So I held on much too tight . . . and you stopped breathing.'

Silence was a third presence in the room, mocking both of us, I think.

'What happened then?' I eventually dared to ask.

'When I realized you'd stopped breathing, I collapsed. Your nan managed to revive you, then she called an ambulance for both of us. I don't remember much after that. Just images like snapshots or bits and pieces of a film playing but never the whole picture.'

'Why? What happened to you?'

'I had a breakdown. I didn't speak for over a month and I was away from you for almost five months.'

'Five months!' I had no idea about that either.

'Your Nana Jasmine paid for my treatment in a special hospital, a clinic, and then she looked after me. I don't know what I would've done if it hadn't been for her. Mother saved my sanity – such as it is.'

I swallowed that down but had problems digesting it. Mum and Nana Jasmine were always sniping at each other. More than five minutes in each other's company and they rubbed together like fingernails on a cheese grater. Or so I'd thought.

'So did Nana Jasmine look after me whilst you were in hospital?' I asked.

Mum shook her head. 'No. Meggie did that.'

And I didn't imagine the strange note in Mum's voice. Silence stood before me now, bearing down, suffocating me. No more questions, I told myself. Not if you don't already know the answers. No more questions.

Well, just one more.

'Did I get to see you when you were in hospital?'

Mum's lips tightened. If she didn't want to answer then that was OK. That'd be answer enough. I wouldn't push.

'No,' said Mum. 'Not once.'

'Why not?'

One more question.

'It 'was a long time ago, Callie Rose.' Mum shrugged.

'That's not an answer.'

Mum smiled. 'You noticed!'

'How come I didn't get to see you?' I persisted.

'D'you really want to know?'

A merest pause, then I nodded. I knew that question from Mum well enough to realize I wouldn't like the answer.

'Nana Meggie decided it wouldn't be . . . wise.'

'Didn't you want to see me?' I asked, surprised and more than a little dismayed at the hurt I felt. I thought I'd taken away Mum's power to hurt me a long time ago.

'Oh Callie, I wanted you every day. I asked for you every hour. I missed you every second. I remember that if nothing else.'

'So I didn't see you for a whole five months?'

Mum shook her head. 'Just remember, Callie, that when you weren't seeing me, I wasn't seeing you either.'

'Meaning?'

'Meaning I missed you very much.'

I looked at Mum and caught that look in her eyes I'd seen so many times before when she looked at me. A look of loss. And for the last couple of years I'd thought she was looking at me and remembering my dad. But this had nothing to do with Dad. This was just Mum and me.

I regarded Mum. 'And when you came out of hospital?'

'I was better,' said Mum.

That wasn't what I meant. I sat perfectly still, waiting for my mind to slow down enough to match the sedentary pace of my body. But it didn't seem to be happening. If anything, my mind was whirling faster.

'Why . . . ?' But I couldn't finish my question. Just saying the words would be like driving a stake through my own heart.

'Why what?' Mum prompted softly.

I opened my mouth but the words I longed to say still wouldn't come. So I asked something else instead. So much for one more question.

'Why did Nana Meggie stop us from being together when you were in the hospital? Didn't she know you wanted to see me?'

'She knew. Your Nana Jasmine told her, more than once.'

'So why didn't she take me to the hospital to see you?'

Mum didn't reply.

'Callie, it was such a long time ago.'

'Don't start with that excuse again, please,' I pleaded. 'Why didn't Nana Meggie take me to see you? Mum, what're you not telling me?'

I'm scared . . .

I knew I should go home but I couldn't face it. Not yet. Mum had already phoned me to ask where I was. I lied and told her I was at Sammi's house. She told me she was going to Specimens as she had to sort something out with Nathan. Why bother telling me at all? She'd never done that in the past. 'I'm off to work. Be good!' was the extent of her monologues about Specimens before. Even now I wondered why I hadn't just told her the truth.

'Mum, I'm wandering the streets because I don't want to see you. I can't cope with looking at you, knowing how and why I was born.'

The evening sky had moved beyond blue and was now purple, with a bright half moon and the odd star shining through. It was cold, but at least it was dry. I stopped walking to look at the sky properly. All those stars . . .
Tobey told me once that stars were souls, waiting to be reborn. Tobey told me a lot of things.

How could I not have known?

My own dad and I didn't know who he really was. I didn't understand how I could have reached thirteen and not have known the truth. But no one could know the whole truth without seeing Dad's letter to Mum. I never volunteered information about my dad to any of my friends. If they asked, I always said he was a gardener who died in a car accident. I don't think I even told them his name. But I can't believe that, of all my friends, Tobey is the only one who knows that Dad was a terrorist. Maybe Ella and Lucas know. Maybe that's why Ella's dad didn't want her coming round my house to play when we were in junior school. Has Ella told anyone? There's no reason why she shouldn't; after all we're not even friends any more. Do others at school know? I'll die if they do. I could've been stronger, more prepared if Mum had told me the truth sooner. I'm sure Nana Meggie would've told me the whole truth – if Mum had let her. But Mum's obviously ashamed of Dad and even more ashamed of me. Maybe that's why she and Sonny broke up, because he found out about my dad? Something else to hate my dad for. If Mum and Sonny had got married, things could've been so different. Someone would've cared about
me.
Sonny told me he loved me, which is more than my mum ever did. And Sonny wasn't too ashamed to hug me – until he found out about my dad. Yet another part of my life that my dad has ruined. He's like a long, bleak shadow reaching out from hell and devouring every dream I've ever had. And with every second that passes, my hatred for him doubles.

This is driving me crazy.

I'll wait till I'm certain Mum has left for work and then I'll go home. I don't want to see Mum. Not yet. I'm afraid of what I'll say, what I'll do if I see her.

I'm scared.

Scared by how much Mum must hate me.

Scared by how much I hate her, not just for the lies, but for having me in the first place.

Nathan's office at Specimens was too crowded. Detective Inspector Muswell was fiddling with a microphone and receiver, making sure that they worked.

'Nathan, please don't do this,' I begged him. 'It's too dangerous.'

'Sephy, we've been through this before. I have to,' said Nathan.

I watched Nathan, forcing myself not to even blink unless absolutely necessary. I could keep him safe if I didn't take my eyes off him for a second. Callie Rose, Mother, Meggie, Sonny and now Nathan. I detested my own selfishness, but all I could think about was what I'd do if something happened to Nathan. Inside, I was being worn away and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.

'If Jordy Carson finds out, he'll kill you,' I whispered.

'Then I'll just have to make sure that he doesn't find out.' Nathan shrugged.

'But—'

'Sephy, there comes a time when a man has to either stand up for himself and say enough is enough or spend the rest of his life letting others knock him down,' said Nathan.

'Spare me the cowboy bull crap, please,' I said.

'Does your mum know about your potty mouth?' Nathan teased.

'She suspects!' I told him tersely.

Nathan grinned at me. He'd met my mother once, when she came to Specimens to see me in action. It's just as well she didn't tell me she was coming beforehand or I would've been a nervous wreck. I looked up from my piano in the middle of my set, and there was Mother smiling at me. During my break, I introduced Mother to Nathan and she'd scrutinized him openly, not even attempting to hide what she was doing.

'He's quite good looking,' Mother told me in front of him, her eyes twinkling. 'If I were ten years younger, I'd fight you for him.'

'Mother!' I admonished, cheeks flaming. 'Nathan isn't used to your peculiar sense of humour.'

Mother turned a lighthouse smile on Nathan. 'My daughter thinks sex was invented by her generation.'

'Mother!'

'Tell me, Nathan,' Mother said, ignoring me. 'What're your intentions towards my daughter?'

'Strictly honourable, Mrs Hadley,' Nathan rushed to assure her. 'I'm her employer, she's my employee. Strictly professional, nothing more to it.'

'Ah!' Mother sighed. 'What a shame!'

Nathan burst out laughing, whilst I shook my head and gave up trying to get her to behave. After that he and Mother became good friends. But all that had happened many months ago. I wondered what she'd say to Nathan if she were here now. No doubt she'd tell him straight what a fool he was being. And she'd be able to tell him so that he'd listen. I just wasn't getting through to him.

Detective Inspector Muswell used one more piece of body tape to secure the rest of the microphone lead to Nathan's stomach. The microphone was taped to his chest, the transmitter to his back. The thin black plastic covered the wire that ran between the two. Nathan winked at me. He was doing his best to pass this off as nothing at all, but he wasn't convincing anyone. Not me, not himself.

'Nathan, if you go through with this, you'll end up with a tag around your toe.'

'Either way, I'll get Jordache Carson off my back,' said Nathan.

I swallowed hard two or three times but the tears in my throat refused to budge.

'Sephy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you, but d'you think if there was another way to get that bastard I'd be doing this?' sighed Nathan. 'Jordy's a maniac. I have to do something.'

'Why does it have to be you?'

'Would you rather I hid away for the rest of my life?' asked Nathan. 'Jordy believes his own publicity. He believes nothing and no one can touch him. That's why this will work.'

'Miss Hadley, we all want the same thing,' Detective Inspector Muswell said, exasperated. 'This is the only way to put Carson away for keeps.'

I glared at her. She was afraid I'd talk Nathan out of the best chance the police had of getting Jordy Carson. I eyed Nathan critically as he shrugged his black shirt back on and started to do up the buttons.

'Jordy Carson isn't a fool, Nathan,' I said. 'You phoned him to tell him you wanted to see him. Of course he's going to suspect a trap and the first thing he's going to do is have you frisked for a mic'

Nathan's hands slowed on his buttons.

'Then what would you suggest?' DI Muswell snapped.

'I don't know, but not a body tap for goodness' sake,' I argued. 'It's too obvious.'

'Sephy has a point,' said Nathan. 'I don't want to wind up dead within ten seconds of meeting the guy.'

'If you are going to wire him for sound, you need to put the mic somewhere where they won't find it. Somewhere Jordy and his men wouldn't even think of looking,' I said.

Nathan raised an eyebrow. 'And where might that be?'

I looked him up and down, as did DI Muswell.

'If you ladies could stop undressing me with your eyes,' said Nathan. 'I'm beginning to get chilly!'

'Your head!' I exclaimed.

'What about it?' frowned DI Muswell.

'How about a cap?' I said. 'If you could fit the microphone and transmitter into a cap somehow, then maybe that would work. The microphone could be hidden under the fabric in the peak and the transmitter could be sewn into the cap band on the crown. Even if they do search him, they're unlikely to search a cap that thoroughly.'

DI Muswell looked sceptical.

'It's more likely to work than the body tap,' I argued.

DI Muswell only needed a moment more to think about it. She turned to her colleague, Sergeant Hall. 'Get me a cap. Now,' she barked.

He didn't need to be told twice.

Half an hour later, Nathan was all set. The microphone wouldn't fit unobtrusively onto the peak so it had to be placed at the front of the crown of the cap. DI Muswell got Nathan to talk with the cap tilted back and then placed well forward before she was satisfied it would work from any angle. An unmarked police car was going to follow him to Jordy's penthouse flat, where they were supposed to meet, and Nathan's entire conversation was going to be taped. I wanted to go with the police but DI Muswell put her foot down.

'No way. It's too dangerous.'

'I can look after myself,' I told her. 'Nathan, tell her.'

'I agree with her, Sephy. I don't want you there,' he told me, serious for the first time that evening.

'But why?' I said.

'For two reasons.'

'Which are?'

'It might all go wrong,' said Nathan.

I inhaled sharply. 'And the second reason?'

'It might all go wrong,' said Nathan again.

'I'm scared, Nathan,' I admitted.

Nathan smiled at me and said, 'So am I. How about a kiss for luck?'

I stepped forward to give him a quick kiss on the lips. But then he had his arms around me and I had my arms around him and the rest of the world was forgotten. DI Muswell had to cough several times to get our attention.

Nathan stroked a finger down my cheek. 'Now I'll definitely come back in one piece.'

'One alive piece please,' I whispered.

'If you insist. Lock up when we leave. OK?'

Nathan left the restaurant through the front door. The officers left via the back just in case Jordy was already having Nathan watched. Sooner or later it had had to come to this. Jordy had made no secret of the fact that he was fed up with Nathan not toeing the line. And when the police approached Nathan to tell him that Jordy had put a contract out on his life, then Nathan had no choice but to 'go down fighting', as he had put it.

A single tear escaped down my cheek. I brushed it away impatiently. That wouldn't help Nathan now. There was nothing I could do but sit in this empty restaurant and count the seconds. And pray.