Cheap Shot (9 page)

“I don’t want that,” she said, trying to
refuse the drink until he thrust it into her hand, giving her no choice but to
take it. “Why do you do that? Why do you always assume you know what’s best for
me?”

He sat beside her, being careful to keep a
respectable distance between them. It wouldn’t be easy to break down the wall
between them, but he was determined, even if he had to do it brick by brick. “I
haven’t had the desire to take care of very many people in my life, Sela. But
you, you’re different.”

“I don’t need you to take care of me.” In
spite of her protests, she wrapped her hands around the glass and took a
tentative sip, followed by another. “I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can.” He smiled. “I remember
thinking that the first night we met. It was one of the things that attracted
me to you.”

She smiled. “I was trying to get the
bartender’s attention so I could order drinks for me and my girlfriends.”

“Yeah.” Jaxon chuckled. “I was sitting at
the bar with Dylan, and you managed to get yourself wedged between me and some
guy who started hassling you. I was about to intervene when you told him you
carried mace in your purse and weren’t afraid to use it. Dylan and I laughed
our asses off. I knew right then I had to get to know you better.”

“I’m glad you did.” Her eyes lingered on
his before she turned her attention to her drink. “In spite of what went down
between us, I was never sorry for letting you into my life.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” he said, inching
closer. “There have been times I was pretty sure you wished you’d never met
me.”

“Never.” She took another sip of the scotch
before licking her lips. “I’d never known a love like that. You made me feel
reckless, and I liked it.”

He smiled, but he felt as though he was
dying. He could have had it all with her. Even though it was over with Sheldon,
she could tell him she wasn’t willing to take him back, and Jaxon would be left
with a gaping hole in his heart that no other woman could heal.

“I know how much I hurt you.” He
acknowledged he was the reason they’d grown so far apart. Even before he’d
ended things, he’d been pushing her away because he was so afraid of how close
she was getting. “Sorry doesn’t seem adequate, but it’s all I’ve got.”

“Sometimes relationships don’t work out,”
she said, lifting a shoulder. “People are at different places in their lives,
and no matter how hard they try, they can’t close the gap. That’s the way it
was for us. Even though I hated the way you ended it, I never hated you.”

“You didn’t? Are you sure about that?”

“I was mad for a long time, but with every
day that passed, my heart ached a little less. I could start remembering the
good times without feeling like someone was taking a sledgehammer to my chest.”
She drained her glass before setting it on the coffee table.

“Would you like another?” he asked, hoping
the alcohol would help her to open up about what had happened with Sheldon. He
wanted to be the person she turned to for support.

“Maybe one more,” she said. “I walked here,
so it’s not like I have to worry about driving home.”

He walked to the mini-bar as he shot her a
look over his shoulder. “You walked here? What the hell were you thinking? You
don’t get off work ‘til two a.m. Don’t do that again.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

Jaxon closed his eyes as he took a deep
breath. The goal wasn’t to antagonize her, so he let it go for the moment. No
way would he let her walk home alone after dark. “Do you want to talk about
what happened with Sheldon?”

She leaned her head against the soft
leather cushion and closed her eyes. “It started at the wedding. When my dad
cut into our dance, he had a lot to say, things I didn’t want to hear.”

He knew he shouldn’t have left her to take
the heat from her old man, but he had been trying to respect her wishes. “What
did Gordon have to say?”

She opened her eyes when he sat beside her.
“He thinks I’m stupid for letting my guard down with you.”

“He doesn’t understand what we have,” Jaxon
said gently. “No one does.”

She looked pained. “I don’t even understand
this thing between us. How can I expect him to?”

Jaxon wanted to make her understand beyond
a shadow of a doubt what he felt and where he hoped they were headed, but it
wasn’t the right time for a heavy conversation about the future. He needed to
help her work through her problems first. “There’s more. What else did he say?”

“He implied I was sleeping with you because
of the power you wield.” She bit her lip as she looked away. “Because of your
money and connections. He basically accused me of being a whore who’d do just
about anything to get ahead.”

“That son of a bitch,” Jaxon whispered,
reaching for her hand. He regretted his words when he saw her wince. “I’m
sorry. I know he’s your father, but he doesn’t know you at all if he could
accuse you of that. Of all of the girls I’ve dated, you’re the least
materialistic. You don’t care about things. You care about people.”

She looked at his hand before linking it
with hers. “Thank you for saying that. These days, it doesn’t feel like I have
very many people in my corner.”

He hated that he was the reason she felt
estranged. He had to do something to make things right. “If you want me to talk
to your parents—”

“No,” she said quickly. “Please don’t. That
would only make things worse. Once my parents have made up their minds about
something or someone, they’re not likely to change.”

Jaxon knew how hard it would be for them to
build a future together if he couldn’t convince her parents he was the right
man for her. She would always feel torn between the man she loved and her
parents, and he didn’t know if he could put her through that. “What else
happened?”

“I went to Sheldon’s apartment after the
wedding. I needed someone to talk to.”

“You could have called me. I’ll always be
here for you.”

“In hindsight, that may have been a better
idea,” she said, clearing her throat. “My talk with Sheldon didn’t go so well.”

“That’s when y’all broke up?”

She nodded as she brought the scotch to her
lips. “It was weird. He started talking about other women, like he wanted me to
believe he’d cheated on me.”

“Had he?” Jaxon’s heart pounded. He didn’t
want her to have to deal with the pain of an unfaithful lover. She didn’t
deserve that.

“I don’t think so. I think he was testing
me. He wanted to see how I’d react.”

“How did you react?”

“Apparently not the way he wanted me to.”
She pressed the glass to her lips before moving it away. “He wanted me to
scream and cry, throw things, hit him… I don’t know. I guess he thought my
reaction proved that I was indifferent, that I didn’t care enough about him or
our relationship.”

“Is that true?” Jaxon held his breath as he
waited for her to continue.

“I don’t know how I feel anymore. If
someone had asked me a month ago, I would have said I loved Sheldon and could
imagine a future with him, but maybe I was just kidding myself. Maybe I was
just trying to build that relationship into something it could never be. I
wanted to convince myself Sheldon was the love of my life…”

Could I be
the
love of your life?
“I’m sorry things didn’t work out the way you hoped they
would.”

She looked at him out of the corner of her
eye before smiling a little. “You don’t expect me to believe that, do you? I
know you’re not sorry I broke up with my boyfriend.”

He squeezed her hand, grinning. “No, I’m
not. But I am sorry you’re hurting. Let’s see if we can do something about
that, take your mind off your problems for a while.”

“Where are we going?” she asked when he
tugged her to her feet.

“For a drive.”

Sela knew the last place she should be
was with Jaxon, speeding down a country road while the wind whipped through
their hair and the tunes filtering through the speakers made them think of
making love.

“The alcohol made me sleepy,” she said,
stifling a yawn. “But this feels nice. It’s been a long time since I’ve taken
time to relax. Between school, work, friends, family, and Sheldon, I’ve barely
had a minute to myself in… forever.”

A certain Bruno Mars song came on, and he
turned it up. “Every time I hear this song, I think of you.” He reached for her
hand. “I was too stupid to realize you were the best thing that had ever
happened to me. By the time I’d admitted it to myself, you’d moved on, found a
man who was smart enough to give you all the things you needed.”

“My relationship with Sheldon wasn’t
perfect,” she said, closing her eyes. The music touched a place in her soul
that had been dormant for a long time. Just knowing Jaxon had regrets made her
feel alive again. Alive and scared. “He had his own issues.”

“He told me about his ex-wife. It sounded
like she really did a number on him.”

“Don’t we all have someone like that in our
past?” she asked, peeking at him out of the corner of her eye. He was
impossibly handsome with his bright smile, dark skin, and piercing green eyes,
but it wasn’t the man the rest of the world saw that she had fallen in love
with. It was the man he only let her see that made him impossible to forget.
“Someone we can’t forget, no matter how much they hurt us?”

He pulled up to a clearing overlooking a
lake. The gravel parking lot was deserted and dark. Turning toward her, he
killed the engine and removed his seat belt. “Am I that someone for you, the
one you couldn’t forget?”

“Sheldon certainly seemed to think so,” she
said, trying to hide her bitterness. “That’s why he broke up with me. He didn’t
really ask me how I felt. He just assumed he had all the answers.”

“Was he wrong?”

She wanted to say Sheldon had been way off
base, but she would be lying to him and herself. “So much has happened, so much
history between us.”

“Not all bad,” he reminded her. “There were
good times too.”

She smiled as she caught his hopeful
expression. “Yeah, there were a lot of good times. That’s why I fell in love
with you, because the good outweighed the bad.”

He glanced at her feet. She’d kicked off
her high heels and left them on the floor. “I guess you don’t feel like going
for a walk?”

“Actually I’d love to.” After reminding him
of how she’d felt, the feelings he hadn’t reciprocated, she couldn’t get out of
that car fast enough.

“But you can’t walk in those shoes.”

She reached for her bag in the nearly
non-existent backseat of his Mercedes. “I walked to work remember? I brought a
pair of flats.”

“Perfect.” He watched her slip into her
shoes before he walked around to the passenger’s door to open it for her. “Will
you be warm enough? I might have a sweater in the trunk.”

“I’ll be fine.” It was a crisp night, perfect
for clearing her head and gaining some much-needed perspective. She was letting
Jaxon get under her skin again, and no matter how many times she told herself
it was a mistake, she couldn’t seem to prevent it.

“Are you sure?” he asked, looking uncertain.
“Maybe I should—”

“I said I’ll be fine.” She reached for his
arm. “Come on, let’s go.”

He let her lead him down the gentle slope
toward the small lake. The trail was popular with dog walkers and cyclists
during the day, but that night, they had it all to themselves.

They were silent for a few minutes before
he said, “I come out here a lot at night to walk, sometimes jog, and clear my
head. I do some of my best thinking here.”

“Funny, I don’t remember you being all that
big on quiet introspection.” Whenever she’d tried to get him to talk about what
he was thinking or feeling, he shut her down.

“My therapist said I should—”

“Hold up,” she said, shaking her head in
disbelief. “Did I hear you right? Did you just say you’re seeing a therapist?”

He smirked at her shock. “Why is that so
hard to believe? You were the one who told me how messed up I was. Turns out
you were right. I needed a professional to help me work through what happened
when I was a kid.”

“Has it helped?”

He shrugged. “I haven’t had very many sessions
yet, but it seems to be. We’ve talked a lot about my dad… and my mom. Their
marriage. Why I felt my mother was partially responsible for his death and why
I still blame myself.”

Sela was so touched he was sharing
something so personal and intimate with her. She was afraid to break the spell
by asking any questions, so she just listened, hoping he would continue to open
up to her.

“Not only that, but…” He looked out at the
water. There were little cabins on the other side of the lake, and a few lights
were on inside them, like beacons in the darkness. “I shared with my therapist
some of the thoughts I’ve had that have scared me.”

She was almost afraid to ask. “Do you care
to talk to me about those thoughts, or are they too personal?”

He inhaled deeply before his grip on her
hand tightened. “I should have talked to you about this when we were together,
but I wasn’t man enough then.”

“Maybe you just weren’t ready,” she said.
He’d always been his own worst critic. “Are you ready now?”

“There were times when I wondered if I was
like my dad, you know, if it was hereditary.”

“What are you talking about?” She watched
her feet instead of looking at him. She was afraid she knew what he was getting
at, and just thinking about it scared her.

“I’ve had some pretty dark thoughts over
the years. I didn’t know if everyone did, or if it was just me. I thought maybe
I got that from my old man.”

“You mean you’ve thought about killing
yourself?” Her chest constricted to the point she could barely breathe. In
spite of the fact they hadn’t been a part of each other’s lives for a long
time, she couldn’t imagine a world without Jaxon.

“I have.” He released her hand and walked
to the wood logs that created a barrier so no one would fall down the
embankment and into the water.

She stood beside him. She wanted to say
something but wasn’t sure what she should say.

“Not often,” he said. “Just now and then,
when things got really bad. Like when I couldn’t decide what to do with my
life, or when my mother got on my nerves to the point I couldn’t stand it
anymore.” He tipped his head to look at her. “Or when you left me.”

“I didn’t want to leave you,” she
whispered. “You made me.”

“That’s the part I couldn’t cope with,
knowing I’d driven you away.”

She slipped under his arm, stood directly
in front of him, and grabbed his face. “How dare you think about taking your
own life? Don’t you know that would have destroyed me?” She cupped his gorgeous
face, wondering how someone so perfect on the outside could be so flawed on the
inside.

“I thought I’d be doing you a favor,” he
said, his voice breaking. “I just assumed after what I’d done to you that you’d
want to see me dead.”

“You’re so wrong.” A tear glided down her
cheek, and she made no move to brush it away. For the first time, she didn’t
care if he saw how much loving him had cost her. “When you love someone the way
I loved you, you want them to be happy, even if it’s with someone else.”

“I don’t believe that.” He lowered his
eyes. “I loved you, and I never wanted you to be happy with anyone else. Maybe
I’m not as selfless as you are.”

His words pierced her. “Did you say you
loved me?”

“Of course I did.” He pinned her with his
intense gaze. “Don’t tell me you didn’t know that.”

“A girl can hope…” It wasn’t easy to find
words, especially when they would leave her raw and exposed. “But after a
while, she has to face reality.”

“The reality is I loved you.” He rested his
hands on her shoulders. “I still love you.”

*   *   *

Jaxon felt as if his heart was beating out
of his chest as he waited for Sela to say something. He’d never said those
words before. Not once. If she told him it was too little, too late, he had no
idea how he would recover.

“Jax…” She lowered her head and pressed her
hands into his chest. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to hear you say
those words, but things are different now.”

“I know that.” He wrapped his arms around
her waist, pulling her into him. “I don’t want to go back. I want to move
forward.”

“I can’t.” The words were muffled because
her face was buried in his chest. “I have to figure things out. Breaking up
with Sheldon really shook me. I was ready to marry him. How could I go from
feeling that way to being practically indifferent when he told me we should end
things?”

“Maybe you saw the light?” He wasn’t trying
to make light of her feelings, but he could tell by the way she stiffened in
his arms that she believed he was.

“This isn’t a joke. This is my life.” She
pushed away from him. “I have to figure things out for myself, and I need some
time and space to do that.”

He wanted to argue that they could figure
things out together, but he could tell she’d made up her mind. “Will you at
least agree to consider giving me another chance?”

“I can’t agree to anything right now.” She
shivered, and he pulled her close. “I’ve spent the last two days thinking about
where to go from here, and the only thing I know for sure is that I need to be
alone. Kiki’s moving out. I’ll have the place to myself. School is ending soon,
and I’ll be starting a new life. It’s exciting and scary.”

“Why can’t I be a part of that new life?”
He was pushing when he should be pulling back, but he’d given her too much
space before, and he didn’t intend to make that mistake again.

“We have so many strikes against us,” she
said, looking at him. “My family, for one.”

“No matter how hard they try, your parents
can’t stop me from loving you.”

Her smile trembled. “I still can’t believe
I’m hearing these words come from your mouth. It doesn’t seem real.”

“It is real, and you’d better get used to
hearing it, because I don’t intend to stop saying it. Ever.” Jaxon had noticed
she hadn’t said she felt the same way about him, but he believed that would
come in time.

“I just want to figure out what I want. Not
what you want for me or what my family thinks I should do, but what would make
me happy.”

That meant she could decide she was happier
on her own than with him, but pushing her to feel something she didn’t would
only make them both miserable. The way the full moon reflected in her eyes took
his breath away. He knew he probably shouldn’t, but he couldn’t stop himself
from kissing her.

He was cautious at first, afraid to spook
her, but then she looped her arms around his neck and leaned into the kiss. He
took his time exploring her mouth, determined to relearn everything about her,
from the way she liked to be kissed to the things that made her happy and sad.
His new mission in her life was to make her dreams come true… starting with
that kiss. He poured all of the love he’d been denying for so long into
deepening their connection. Plunging his hands into her hair, he held her face,
kissing her deeply, thoroughly, until he could have sworn they’d both stopped
breathing.

She panted when they broke apart. “I almost
forgot what it felt like. Kissing you is…”

“Is what?” he asked, trying to hide his
smile.

“Mind-blowing.”

He laughed and held her close, wishing he
never had to let her go.
Time. Space.
Two words he had a feeling he
would learn to hate. “Right back atcha, babe.”

“We should get going,” she said,
straightening her skirt.

“Are you tired?”

“No, but I’m getting a little chilly.”

“How about we go back to my place for a
quick drink?”

“Jaxon.” She looked torn between being
sensible and being irresponsible. “I really shouldn’t. I have an early class.”

“Come on, you haven’t told me about the new
job yet. I want to hear all about it.” He would miss seeing her at High
Rollers, but he hoped by then, they would see plenty of each other after hours.

“Okay, but just a cup of coffee. No more
alcohol for me tonight.”

“Hey,” he said, holding her hand as they
walked back to his car, “you know I’d never try to take advantage of you when
you’re feeling vulnerable, right?” He didn’t want her to think he’d given her
liquor to lower her inhibitions.

“Of course,” she said, frowning. “Why would
you ask that?”

“Well, you just broke up with someone. I
didn’t want you to think I was just like Riley.”

She hesitated when he opened the car door
for her. “I don’t follow.”