Cheap Shot (21 page)

“And did you?” she asked gently.

She hadn’t touched him yet. God, he needed
to feel her hands, to reassure him that she didn’t hate him. “Yeah, I did.”

“I saw you talking to someone. Who was he?”

“My mother’s friend, Fred.” Jaxon held out
the envelope. “He gave me this. He said it was from my mother.”

“A letter?”

“I guess so.”

“Would you like to be alone to read it?”

“I can’t.” It killed him that she was
acting like a polite stranger. She should be his wife. She would be his wife if
he hadn’t screwed up everything. Again.

“You can’t read it, or you can’t do it
alone?”

“Both.” He held it out to her, praying she
was strong enough to do what he couldn’t. “Would you?”

“Of course.” She reached for the letter,
her hand never touching his. She opened the envelope slowly and carefully, as
though she expected something precious to fall out. She cleared her throat.
“‘Dear Jaxon.’”

Jaxon watched Sela’s hands tremble as her
beautiful, expressive eyes scanned the page. She was as nervous as he was. What
would the single page contain? Secrets? More pain? Or the ultimate gift of
closure and peace?

“‘The saying ‘too little, too late’ has
never been more apropos. I should have said these things to you years ago, but
like you, I’ve always had trouble expressing my feelings, especially to those
who mean the most to me. And you, my son, mean more to me than anyone. You were
the reason I didn’t check out years ago.’”

Jaxon saw his mother’s face in his mind.
Her sad, lifeless eyes. He pictured her curled up on the couch when he was a
kid, wearing a tattered bathrobe, her eyes swollen as if she’d been crying all
night and barely had the energy to drag herself out of bed. He wondered if that
was what she’d been thinking about then, just
checking out
, like his father
had. At least she’d stayed for his sake. She hadn’t abandoned him, hadn’t
allowed him to end up in the system.

He hadn’t realized Sela’s eyes were fixed
on him until she asked, “Are you ready to hear more?”

“Yes.”

She bit her lip before continuing, as
though she was trying to separate her own emotions from the words she was
reading. “‘You were always so strong, so independent. You never needed me, not
really. You never needed anyone. When your father died, I know a part of you
did too. You stopped being a child, stopped looking for ways to have fun. You
became so focused on your schoolwork and being the best you could be.’” Sela
turned to look at him as though she questioned whether she really knew him at
all.

“What?” he asked.

“You never told me that. Why do I feel like
there’s so much you haven’t told me?”

Oh, God. Don’t let her start questioning
me, us. I need her like I’ve never needed her before.
“I don’t like to think about that time in my life.” He didn’t mean
to sound defensive, but he could feel himself shutting down even though his
biggest fear was shutting her out and losing her.

Without responding, Sela turned her
attention back to the letter. “‘I know I wasn’t the mother you needed. I’m
sorry for that, but I was the best mother I was capable of being. I did my best
to care for you until you could care for yourself. I know I fell short more
than I exceeded your expectations, but life isn’t always about striving for
perfection, Jaxon. Sometimes it’s just about figuring out a way to survive.’

“‘Whether you believe it or not, I did love
your father, and losing him was hard for me too. I won’t try to compare your
loss to mine. He was your hero. You needed him, and he left you. I’m sorry if I
said or did anything to contribute to that. Believe me, that was never my
intent.”

Jaxon leaned forward, closing his eyes
against the bright sun. “This is too much to process, today of all days.” He
needed to feel his lover’s touch letting him know that everything would be
okay. He needed her to show him that they would be okay, and he was asking for
comfort the only way he knew how.

“There’s just a bit more,” she said softly.
“I think you should hear this. It’s important.”

No! What was important was their wedding.
He shouldn’t have come to the nursing home trying to rewrite the past. He
should have stayed with Sela, celebrating their present and planning for their
future. He couldn’t bring his mother back any more than he could change the
relationship they’d had, but he could alter his life with Sela. He could be the
husband she needed… if she was still willing to give him a chance.

“‘I should have told you this a million
times.’”

Jaxon wasn’t sure he wanted to hear any
more. What he wanted was to ask Sela if it was too late. If they hurried back
to the church, could they still catch the preacher? Could Sela look beyond his
mistakes and marry him anyway?

“‘I love you. I’m proud of the boy you were
and the man you are. No mother could have asked for a better son. You were
there for me even when I didn’t deserve it. Thank you for that, and please,
don’t cry for me today.’”

It wasn’t until Sela read those words that
Jaxon realized he had been doing just that. He was crying for the time he’d
lost with his parents, the time he’d lost with Sela, and all of his mistakes. He
was crying because he’d fallen short and disappointed the one woman he’d always
wanted to please.

Sela placed her hand on his back, rubbing
softly as she finished the letter. “‘Just remember one single moment of
happiness we shared. I want that to be the memory you hold on to. Love, Mama.’”
She leaned forward, wrapping her arm around his shoulder. “It’s a beautiful
letter, Jaxon. Thank you for sharing it with me.”

He wiped his eyes, ashamed of his show of
emotion. He’d never been a crier, not even when he’d found his father’s
lifeless body. He gripped her hand and kissed it. “I’m so sorry I left today. I
was an idiot. Again.”

“No, you weren’t. You did what anyone would
have done.”

“You mean you’re not mad at me for leaving
like that?”

She shrugged. “It would have been nice if
you’d come to me first and told me what had happened. I would’ve liked to have
been here for you. But I recognized what you were doing. That’s why I came to
you.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, looking at
her over his shoulder. “What did you think I was doing?”

“You were trying to go it alone, just like
you always do. But that’s not gonna work anymore. We’re a team now.”

He kissed her palm, wishing he wasn’t so
inept at finding the right words when he needed them most. “You mean you still
want to marry me, even after what I did?”

“That depends. Do you still want to marry
me?”

“I don’t blame you for asking me that,
Sela, but honestly, you’re my life.”

She smiled. “I feel the same way.” She
touched his face, wiping away his tears. “I’m so sorry about your mama, honey.
I wish I could have known her better.”

“I wish I could have too.”

“It seems neither of us had the best role
models. We’ll have to work that much harder to make sure we don’t make the same
mistakes with our kids.”

Our kids.
Jaxon
couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard sweeter words. “You really trust me
to father your children? Aren’t you afraid I’ll screw everything up?”

She shook her head. “You’ll be a great dad.
I have no doubt.”

“And that’s why I love you so much.” He kissed
her, tasting her lips the way he’d been dying to since she sat down. “Because
you have way more faith in me than I have in myself.”

She touched her forehead to his, heedless
of the hairstyle and makeup that must have taken hours to perfect. “My job is
to build you up even when you tear yourself down. But it’s not one I enjoy, so
don’t make a habit of testing me, okay?”

He smirked, kissing her again. “Marry me,
baby. Right now. Today.”

Sela shook her head. “Not today. This day
will always be associated with sadness because of your mother’s passing. I want
our day to be ours alone, a day that’s filled with positive energy.” She traced
his lower lip with her thumb. “Besides, we have to make the arrangements for
your mother’s service. That should be our only priority now.”

He felt as though he’d already waited
forever to make her his wife, and he didn’t want to wait any longer. “When can
we get married?”

“Soon. It doesn’t have to be the big church
wedding we planned. Maybe it can be a destination wedding, somewhere beautiful
and tropical. We can just hop on a plane with a few dozen people who are
closest to us.”

“I like the sound of that,” he murmured,
wrapping his hand around her neck and pulling her closer. “That sounds like
something we could pull off next week.”

She grinned. “Do you realize what next
Friday is?”

He’d been so focused on their wedding date,
he’d thought of little else. “No. Why? Should I?”

“It’s the anniversary of our first date.”

Their anniversary, which also marked the
day he’d broken up with her. “I, uh, don’t know if we should celebrate that
day.”

She ran her fingers over his cropped hair.
“Declaring your love for me to the world on the same day you couldn’t even tell
me how you felt? I’d say that’s coming full circle, wouldn’t you?”

“You’re right.” He kissed her intensely,
getting lost in the moment and forgetting about those that had come before.
“It’s perfect. We’ll do it next Friday. You pick the place. We’ll take the jet
and… Baby, are you sure you aren’t upset about not getting the big wedding
you’ve always dreamed of?”

“Are you kidding? I’m marrying the man of
my dreams. That’s enough for me.”

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