Chasing Butterflies (15 page)

The rocking of
the bed woke me from a pleasant dream or memory. Thoughts of Lenny consumed my subconscious thoughts. So when I opened my eyes, I wasn’t able to hold back my disappointment when I saw the wrong girl crawling toward me.

My expression caused her to pause before she brightly said, “Morning, sleepyhead. Since I haven’t seen you since the party, I thought I’d give you a wakeup call.”

“Shell,” I said in vain as she tried to wrap herself around me. I glanced over at my clock. “I have to get to practice.”

“I know, silly. I do too.” She was talking about her cheerleading practice. “But I thought I could help take care of you first.”

She grabbed my junk, and I had to pry her hands loose. My hardness had nothing to do with her and everything to do with a much needed morning piss.

“Shell,” I said again, gently rolling her off of me and making my way off the other side of the bed. I sat and took a deep breath before glancing over my shoulder.

What I had to say wasn’t easy. As much as I’d fucked, I’d tried not to be a jerk when dealing with women. I didn’t want to be my father. So my motto was to always be honest.

She crawled over and shyly sat next to me.

I swallowed. “I think we should cool things down.”

Her frown wasn’t unexpected; neither was the way her brows pinched in the middle.

“But you just said—”

I cut her off before rehashing everything I thought I wanted, like a steady girlfriend, because it didn’t change how things were now.

“Yeah, I’m sorry.”

“It’s that girl, isn’t it?”

“What girl?”

She glared at me. “The one at the party crying. How do you know her?”

Honesty, I thought.

“We went to high school together.” It was partially true, seeing that it’d been only a few short months.

The laugh that cracked the silence between us held no humor. “You’re making a mistake. If she’s an ex, she is for a reason. Besides, I’ve seen her around. I’m pretty sure she has a boyfriend. You’re wasting your time.” Standing, she gave me one final glance. “And then you’ll be back. Maybe I’ll give you another shot, or maybe I won’t.”

The door closed quietly behind her, leaving me to chew on her bit of information. Then my phone blared to life with an alarm, reminding me I had obligations if I wanted to continue going to school on scholarship. Not only did it require my skills on the field, but I had to maintain my grades too. Neither of which would happen if I stayed lamenting over a girl I was maybe still in love with.

After a quick shower and getting dressed, I headed downstairs to find Chance waiting for me. He was the one of my three roommates I’d felt most comfortable with, probably because his circumstances growing up were similar to mine.

My mom had died, his had taken off. His dad took to the bottle for comfort, mine for the hell of it. His dad was a functional alcoholic, his words. I hadn’t seen my dad in a few years. The other guys in the house knew nothing about hard living.

“Dude, what crawled up her ass? She left out of here like her hair was on fire. What did you do to piss her off?”

I shrugged.

“Did you cut her loose?”

I shrugged again, not really wanting to talk about it. I’d never been a big sharer of my thoughts, only with Len.

“Probably for the best,” he began. “Although, she was one of the better star chasers.”

Stopping my forward progress, I leveled a gaze at him. “Star chaser?” Though I was pretty sure I knew.

“You know, the chicks looking to trap some guy in a relationship before he gets a million-dollar deal.”

Exactly what I thought. When I started moving, he added, “At least she was one of the better ones.”

He smiled sheepishly at me as I walked by. He didn’t have a car, so I expected him on my heels.

“I would have told you, but like I said, she’s one of the better ones. And figured you could get a piece before you cut her loose.”

Shaking my head, I got in the car to make the short drive to campus. I was fortunate to get a parking pass along with my scholarship.

We were ten minutes late to practice.

“Coach is going to kick our asses,” Chance said when we jogged on the field.

And he did.

“Moore and Abbott, two extra laps. And if you don’t finish in four, everyone has to do another two laps.”

That got us moving, because the last thing we wanted was to have the guys pissed at us. With an additional punishment of the extra reps in the weight room, I ended up missing class.

“Fuck,” I said.

“Dude, don’t worry. Let me make a call.”

“I can’t wait. I need to find someone with notes. We have a test next class, and it’s based off his lectures, not the book. It’s his way to get people in class,” I groaned, knowing I was fucked.

Chance held up a finger. “Okay, thanks.”

“What?” I said.

“This girl said there is a guy in the library who sells notes.”

After getting the description of who I should look for, later that day I made my way into the library after afternoon practice.

I climbed the stairs, glancing at each computer. When I found my target, I had no idea I’d find her. Snagging a seat, I took in her wide eyes glaring at me.

“Why are you here?” she asked.

I pointed to the blue butterfly on the top of her laptop.

“Look, Len, I don’t want to fight. I was told a guy with that on their laptop was the person to see about notes.”

Though I should have guessed it was a girl when they’d given me that description.

“Just another person who hears a name and assumes someone’s gender. You understand that, don’t you?”

True enough, although there was nothing welcoming in her casual statement.

“So people call you Lenny around here too.”

“Only my customers. My friends call me Lenora.”

Strike one, as I’d called her Len. Apparently she didn’t consider me a customer or a friend. Though I didn’t want to be either. I wanted to be so much more if she’d let me.

“Gotcha. Look, I missed psychology class today. I need the lecture notes. I hear my professor’s lectures don’t change year to year.”

Her frown slipped some. “I may have notes. Whose are you looking for?”

“I don’t want a handout either,” I said, not sure why I felt the need to say that.

“I didn’t offer you one.”

Strike two as her eyes were flat. It was as if I meant nothing to her.

I swallowed my pride, needing those notes. “Professor Lange’s class. I don’t know anyone in there, and I have a test next time. I can’t take a chance of failing. I’m prepared to pay whatever.”

Her eyes met mine before they went all business. “Twenty for one section notes and a hundred for the full semester.”

That class began every other day minutes after practice ended for the morning. And it was the only class that fit my schedule and was mandatory. No doubt I’d miss more classes before the semester was over.

As I decided how I wanted to proceed, I had an urge to find out how she ended up selling notes. The Lenny I knew was all about helping everyone else. Then again, I hadn’t seen her in four years. A lot apparently changed. More importantly, her hard expression was something I recognized. She needed the money, but didn’t want my pity or anyone else’s.

By no means did I have a lot of cash. NCAA rules forbade me to work. But I’d saved up money over the years with odd jobs I did that paid cash. So I dug in my pocket, having already heard the price before I arrived. I placed several bills down and slid them across the round table to her. Her fingers brushed mine when she made a move to retrieve them. Our eyes met before she tugged on the cash, forcing me to let go or make things more awkward. I let go.

She counted the cash, and I realized my mistake. I shouldn’t have given her the hundred. Then I would have to make up some other excuse to see her again. It was too late. She pulled out an accordion folder out of a bag in the chair next to her. She riffled through it before coming up with a binder clip wad of papers.

“Here.”

I arched a brow in surprise. “You don’t have a thumb drive or something?”

“If I gave them electronically, my business would end. My hard work would be posted on the web for anyone to use.”

She had a point. “But someone could scan these.”

“And they could copy them too. Luckily for me, my customers aren’t that smart. They don’t think out of the box.”

There was nothing to argue. Besides, there were other things I wanted to talk about.

“Len—”

Her scattered movements stopped my words. She was shoving things in her bag, including her laptop.

“Look, I’m late. I have to go,” she announced.

There was no stopping her as she was already walking away. I wanted to call out, but we were in a library. And I didn’t think she would appreciate me drawing unwanted attention. Besides, I knew where she’d be after class. I could try again tomorrow.

My feet burned
a path that led straight out of there. Being close to Kelley after all these years shouldn’t have affected me so. Those bi-colored eyes of his, one blue, one green were just as captivating as the first time I saw them, which was why I had to run and fast.

I didn’t dare look back. Not a first. I had to steel my spine and resolve. But too soon, my steps slowed, and I glanced over my shoulder to find he wasn’t following me. My heart sank even though it was for the best.

When I turned back, Brie was in my path.

“Lenora, where are you off to in such a hurry?”

I came to an abrupt halt. “Jesus, what’s your superpower, speed? How did you just materialize out of thin air?”

She laughed. “I was headed in your direction. I waved, but you didn’t see me. It was like I wasn’t even there.” My head had been elsewhere. “So where are you going like there are hot coals under your feet?”

“Just headed home.” I tried my best to sound cheery.

Her eyes softened, and I braced myself. Brie was a psych major and a good one. She’d been the first girl I’d met on campus. She’d volunteered for welcoming committee. She became somewhat of a friend, although I hadn’t let anyone in since Debbie’s betrayal. Trina had been the closest thing since, though I’d rarely talked to her since graduating high school. But Brie never gave up. She’d stuck through all my excuses for not hanging out and never being available. She didn’t push for answers, but I felt like that was quickly going to change.

She reached out and placed her hand lightly on my wrist. I tried not to flinch, but the grimace of pain must have registered on my face because she pulled back. “You know you can tell me anything. I won’t judge.”

“What’s there to tell?” I said, though I didn’t expect an answer.

Her pitying smile said it all. “Len—”

Embarrassment colored my words an angry shade of red. “Don’t psychoanalyze me, Brie.”

Pursing her lips, she nodded. “Sorry, force of habit. I just want you to know you have a friend. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

She had no idea and wouldn’t even learn the truth if I had my way about it. She ended the ensuing silence with, “You should come out with us this weekend to the bonfire.”

Little did she know how impossible it would be for me to go.

“I doubt I’ll be able to make it.”

When I went to pass her, she added, “Is that you or him talking?”

There was no way I was responding to her, so I kept going. For as much as I thought I’d hidden from the people who knew me, they’d seen more than I was comfortable with. How many of my bad decision were they aware of?

My hollow steps were as empty as my heart. Brie and everyone else could judge me all they wanted. I’d made choices I had to at the time, and I’d lived with them. And quietly, I’d been making alternative plans. But that took time. I would endure in order to do what was best for the immediate future.

During the long walk across campus I replayed my every decision since Kelley drove out of my life. I thought about the girl I used to be, strong and fearless, to the woman I’d become, weak and helpless, and I hated it. When had I morphed into a spineless woman with no options? After one stop that brought a smile to my face, I plastered a fake one when I opened the door to my personal hell.

Maybe I wasn’t brave anymore.

“Hey,” a finger snapped in my face. “I have a rugby game this weekend. So I won’t be home.”

Of course he wouldn’t. “I’m not surprised. You would have been at your fraternity otherwise, so why bother to tell me.”

He raised a hand, but balled it closed and lowered it.

“You know if I didn’t like that smart mouth of yours to open, I would permanently close it.”

Whether it was fear or practicality, I said nothing else. Instead, I quietly made plans to hang out with Brie again, at the bonfire. My bold defiance was working its way out of my pores, little by little. The previous weekend turned out to be a bust in many ways. But when Friday arrived, I wouldn’t be taken by surprise by Kelley’s existence. Though I hoped he would be there.

“Oh my God, Lenora’s here.”

I waved and bit back a biting retort. Shelly or Shell as everyone called her hadn’t been my biggest fan. She and Brie had been friends in high school, though I didn’t see it. Shell had a bit of mean girl in her, though she wasn’t as bad as some. Or maybe it was because she’d wrapped herself around Kelley the other night. It also could have been that she reminded me too much of Debbie. And thoughts of my former BFF still stung. How could an age old friendship turn so wrong?

Shaking it off, I just smiled.

“Don’t mind her. I think she and her boyfriend broke up.”

Good thing the clearing was packed with bodies everywhere because both girls had glanced away and missed the shock I tamped down. I also managed to hold in a smile as we found the keg and got a drink. I had the red plastic cup up to my lip when a seriously good-looking guy strode over to where we stood.

“Brie,” he said.

“Chance,” she said frostily.

“Still the ice princess.”

“Still a case study in douchebagness.”

He shook his head. “I don’t know why I bother.”

“I don’t either. It borders on desperation. But we both know you need appointments for the revolving door of your bedroom.”

His jaw tightened and it looked as though he might say something more. Instead, he marched away.

“What was that all about?” I asked.

The question popped out before I could stop it. I didn’t normally ask questions because I didn’t want to reciprocate in answering things about myself. But Brie looked ready to talk. Only Shelly sauntered over first.

“I see Chance is still panting after you,” Shell said.

Shell acted as though that was a surprise. But Brie was gorgeous. Long dark hair with giant honey eyes had guys tripping over their feet whenever I was around her.

“He wants what he can’t have. And no way am I giving my virginity to him. I’ve waited this long. I might as well wait until I’m married.”

Shell shook her head and said, “You are like the last Junior virgin on campus,” before walking away.

“You’re a virgin?”

Again, I hadn’t finished my first beer. Who was I to question anyone else’s choices?

“Don’t be surprised. Anyway, it isn’t for lack of trying. I’ve just had bad luck,” she said while glaring at the back of Chance’s head.

The guy hadn’t exactly gone far and when he shifted, I caught sight of Kelley walking over to him.

Glancing away quickly, I moved out of his line of sight. But that wasn’t enough.

“I’ll be right back,” I said to Brie.

She nodded as I made my retreat.
Keep calm. You can’t keep running from him,
I thought.

That turned out to be true. I stepped behind a tree that lined the clearing to take a breath. Then I thought about all the horror movies that started off this way. Girl walking away from her friends. No one knowing where she was headed. I moved to walk back and ran into a solid wall of muscle.

“Len.”

I glanced up and shadowed eyes hypnotized me in their depths.

“Damn, Lenny, don’t look at me that way or I’ll—”

Whatever he was saying got lost somewhere as my brain shorted. My libido kicked into high gear, and all I heard was white noise. Caught like a deer with the mouth slightly parted in awe, I was helpless as his lips descended to press against mine.

Sparks exploded behind my eyelids, wings fluttered in my belly, and for a second I rejoiced that this connection really did exist and wasn’t in my imagination.

When his tongue tried to dart past my lips, I jerked back.

“Lenny—”

He called out. But I was several steps ahead. Tears burned in the back of my eyes because I wanted that feeling. I’d been living a lie so long, I didn’t think that feeling was more than a dream. And seeing him again changed all that. Only it was far too late.

Before I made it back into the throngs, Shelly appeared.

“Well, well, well. Your lipstick is smudged. You should fix that before someone sees and tells your boyfriend.”