Changing Tunes (23 page)

Zeke helped me remember one night, when we were curled up in bed, and he was holding me tight, wanting me to tell him about her.

“Tell me about your mom.”

I was quiet for a moment before responding. “She was beautiful, patient and kind.” I told him stories of when I was younger and explained why I was on the library floor the first time he’d seen me. His arms tightened around me, offering his comfort.

“Did you ever wonder why she left you behind?” he questioned carefully.

”Truthfully, I just thought she didn’t love me enough to stay.”

He hesitated for a brief second, seeming concerned, and replied, “Did you ever think maybe your dad wouldn’t allow her to take you with her, or see you?”

I sucked in a breath, feeling the truth of the statement take hold, knowing the power my father possessed, and to be honest, I hadn’t considered that. But now that it’s been said out loud, it made perfect sense. How would that have looked to the outside world, losing your family? No, he wouldn’t have let her take me. Because of his selfishness, I was left to endure a motherless childhood and for that, I never would be able to forgive him.

“Why didn’t I ever think of that, or question him about it?” I’d asked, tears spilling down my cheeks.

Zeke rolled me onto my back and hovered above me, looking me in the eye. “Because sweetheart, you were just a little girl, and he was the only parent you had. You trusted him. Why wouldn’t you?

I can’t begin to describe the feelings that started to build towards my father at that moment. I felt a loathing take hold of me.

Zeke cradled my face in his hands, and whispered three words I haven’t heard since before my mother left. “I love you, Ashley. I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to tell you, and I realized there is no perfect time. I love you, Ashley, with all my heart.”

I couldn’t have been more stunned. Hearing those words out loud was a feeling I will never forget. When you’re not told often, you tend to get emotional and I did just that. I felt the truthfulness of his words and knew I’d been biding my time until I could tell him, as well.

“I love you, too,” I whispered back.

His mouth crashed down on mine, and in between kisses were whispered, “I love yous.”

We spent the rest of the night showing each other just how much those three, not so little, words meant to us.

Mac comes bouncing in, bringing me back to the present. “You about ready? I’m so excited to get away from this place. I feel like we’ve been stuck here for freaking months.” She cocks her head to the side, “Oh yeah, because we kind of have.”

I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this excited.

I spend the day with my best friend shopping to our heart’s content; all thoughts of any lingering doubts forgotten.

I knew when I came home a decision would be made that was weighing heavily on my heart. I know I love Ashley with everything I am. However, I was still unclear as to how to proceed. I have no doubt she loves me, and I have no doubt she’s ‘it’ for me. But how much can one person handle? She’s been through a lot, and suffered so much. We’ve been together for almost a couple of months, now, which isn’t long, but when you know, you know, and I can’t keep this from her any longer, nor do I want to. It’s not fair for her not to know I’m a package deal. This other part of my life is the most important thing in it, and my responsibility.  If we’re going to be together, I can’t hide it from her any longer. I want her to be involved, and know all aspects of my life. I want to bring her home to meet my parents, have her love everyone I love, and them, love her back.

At the same time, this could be a deal breaker for her. She may decide it’s too much for her to handle. I also don’t want her to think I’ve been hiding this part of my life. I just had to make sure. I needed to know for me.

The thought of not having Ashley in my life is inconceivable. In a short period of time, she’s become such an integral part of it. It makes my heart hurt thinking she might actually be gone, that I may end up losing her.

Sitting on the couch I glance down at the most precious little girl I’ve had the honor of raising. My daughter, Lara, is four years old and the reason I breathe. Every decision I make is made with Lara in mind. I’d put off college until now because I wanted to be home with her until she was older. It’s not easy on my parents, but now that she’s a little older, they seem to be doing just fine, with me coming home on the weekends. I miss her terribly when I’m away at school.

Lara snores softly, snuggled in to the crook of my arm just like she did as a baby. Some habits are hard to stop, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. My daughter is the air that I breathe, and as hard as it is to be a single dad, I wouldn’t trade her for anything. As I watch her sleep, my phone buzzes on the table beside me, lightly shaking the glass and I quickly pick it up before it wakes Lara. I glance down and notice Ashley has sent me a couple of texts already. I smile, seeing she’s been thinking of me, she misses me, and she loves me. I quickly text back, telling her how much I love her, and take another moment to think about how Ashley’s going to handle the fact I didn’t disclose I have a daughter.

I know as a parent, it is my job to protect her. I would never allow anyone to get close to her unless she was in it for the long haul. Her mother is gone and out of the picture. Has been since the day she was born.

I have no doubt Lara would get attached to Ashley, and vice versa.

Being a parent is something I take seriously, and I’m committed to it, but I can’t ask that of someone else, especially someone who isn’t her mother.

My mom walks in, “You know you spoil her.” She nods her head at the sleeping beauty in my arms, but says it with a smile and obvious affection on her face.

“It’s hard to put her down when I’ve been away all week long.”

My mom sits down on the couch and asks me the question I’ve been evading. “Have you told Ashley about her yet? I assume you haven’t.”

“No,” I sigh and look up, “I’m scared, Mom. I’m terrified she won’t be able to handle that I have a daughter.”

My mom cocks her head, examining me hard. “You love her, don’t you?”

I don’t hesitate, “Yes, I love her. Ashley crept up on me and was unexpected. I tried to stay away, especially because of Lara, but I couldn’t.”

“You know, I think everything happens for a reason. You’ve explained a little about Ashley’s past, and I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but did you ever think maybe Ashley needs Lara as much as Lara needs her?” Before I can open my mouth to respond she continues, “I’m also not saying she’s going to take this well to begin with…”

She throws her hand up to stop me from talking. I shake my head and can’t help the smirk that comes up, remembering these talks when I was a kid. Basically you sit, shut up, and listen because you might actually learn something.

“I know your reasons and I respect them, and I also happen to agree with your decision in keeping Lara hidden. But, I want you to see it from Ashley’s point of view; you’ve deceived her. Even though your intentions are honest and pure, she’s probably not going to see it like at the beginning.”

My mom’s eyes begin to mist as she continues, “I also sense a change in you. You aren’t the same man that left for college. I can see you love her, and I trust your judgment. I know you hardened your heart after what Kim did. This is the first time I’ve seen you truly happy.” She signals down to the bundle on my lap. “I know you love Lara, but that’s not the same kind of love. I want you to be happy and want you to be loved the way you should. I know this isn’t a decision you’ve taken lightly. Ashley must be some special girl.”

I didn’t realize until now that I’ve been worried about screwing up. Hell, I did that four years ago, but then I wouldn’t have Lara, and that I can’t even fathom. As hard as it all was, I would never take it back.

I ask myself, “Is Ashley worth the risk?” The answer is, without a doubt, a resounding yes.

My mom begins to get up when I stop her. “Hey mom, thanks for watching Lara so I could go to college. If it wasn’t for you and dad watching her every day, and forcing me to go, I’d never have met Ashley.”

“I told you, everything happens for a reason, and you’re welcome. It’s our pleasure to watch our precious granddaughter.” My mom signals to Lara, “She’s pretty lucky, too, you know. She’s got you for a dad.”

Without another word she leaves the room.

It’s funny, but hearing my mom tell me I’m a good dad, and that Lara’s lucky to have me, is the best compliment I could ever receive. I lean down and kiss her on the head, when I hear the sweetest words ever to grace her mouth.

“Daddy, I love you.”