Changing Tunes (30 page)

I’m sad tonight and feeling a little lost. I’m not myself and I walk around like a zombie. I’m all cranky and Mac said I was beginning to answer like a zombie. I’m growling, that’s what it is. I’ve resorted to growling like a zombie; even the bags under my eyes support my condition.

I’ve gone back and forth, back and forth, and even gone so far as to have out loud conversations, trying to convince myself I did the right thing. But did I really? Did I let him go too easily? Didn’t he say he would fight for me? Am I just scared?

It’s a resounding yes, to all of the above.

I walk into the living room where Mac, Ian, and Austin are all sitting around, watching television and begin to pace. Austin sees me walk in, “Did you decide to join the land of the living?”

“Har, har, smartass.” I say continuing to walk back and forth, chewing on the lip that’s on its way to being chewed completely off.

Austin stands up and walks over to me, stopping me in my tracks. “Ashley, do you love him?”

I nod my head emphatically.

“Does the fact he has a daughter change how you see him?”

I know the answer the moment the question is asked, and it all begins to make sense.

No, it makes me love him more.

I shake my head, “No, it makes me love him more,” I whisper.

Austin, looking like his smug self, says, “Then there you go.”

I glance at Mac and ask, “What do I do?”

Ashley throws me her keys, “Go get him. Tell him how you feel, and just be you.”

I don’t wait a second longer. I grab my purse and head out the door, like a girl who’s got someone chasing her. I run down the hall and into the parking lot and hear a squeal from a truck pulling quickly into a parking space. I begin to walk to Mac’s car when I hear my name being hollered.

I turn around and see Zeke at the truck. I stand there in disbelief. Hands shoved into his pockets, he begins walking to me. He looks good, so good. He has a piece of hair that’s fallen over his eyes.

“Am I keeping you from somewhere?” He asks quietly when he reaches me.

I shake my head. He’s disabled my ability to speak. I’m curious why he’s here; more like terrified. My heart begins beating like mad, and it takes everything in me not to move in closer.

“I said I’d fight for you. Well, here I am. I’m fighting. I’m not asking you to be an instant mom to my daughter. All I know is I love you with everything I am and you make me complete. I know I’m asking a lot. I know I told you this before, but you’re it for me sweetheart and…”

I silence him with a finger to his lips.

He had me at sweetheart. Who am I kidding; he’s always had me.

“My turn.”

I drop my finger and take a deep breath, “I was asked a question tonight that made me think.”

He furrows his brows together, and it takes a lot for me to not touch and smooth them out.

“I was asked if you having a daughter changed how I felt about you.”

I see him frown, concern written all over his face.

“The answer is no. It makes me love you more.” The concern begins to fall away.

“The fact you raised your daughter, and sacrificed for her makes me loves you more. I also realized the past doesn’t define me. I want this life with you, and for however long. I want to be a part of every facet of your life.”

Relief shines through, and his sexy-as-sin smile is back.

“I just have one request.”

He grabs me, pinning me in his arms, exactly where I belong. “Anything.”

With a sly smile I say, “You are going to take me to meet your daughter and parents next weekend.”

He picks me up off the ground as his lips slam down on mine. I reciprocate and poor everything I have into our kiss. God, how I’ve missed his kisses.

Reluctantly, he pulls back and leans his forehead against mine. “I can’t wait for you to meet Lara and my parents. I would love nothing more.”

We spent that night making up for the lost time. As much time was spent making up, there was actually quite a bit of talking. I was dying to tell him about my mom and what had transpired between us, that we were taking our mother-daughter relationship slowly. My father was a lot more controlling than I ever imagined, and my mom was scared. Scared for me, and what he could do if she didn’t stay away from me. She’d always hoped one day we’d be reunited again, and that he hadn’t done too much damage trash talking her to me. The truth is, he’d never spoken about her and treated her as if she were dead.

Isn’t it funny how things turn out? We’d both realized at the same time we couldn’t be without each other; that this was home.

As promised, the following weekend Zeke did take me to meet his parents, Julie and Steve. They were gracious and wonderful, everything I thought they would be and more. The moment I set eyes on Lara, I fell in love. She’s got Zeke’s dark brown hair that falls in ringlets to her shoulders. She’s got a heart shaped face with big expressive brown eyes, and the face of an angel. The moment I saw Lara with her daddy, I fell in love with Zeke all over again. I don’t know how that was even possible, but I did.

Every weekend since, I accompany Zeke on his trips home. I can’t wait to get there to see Lara. She’s become a fixture in my life I can’t imagine being without.

Now, here I sit on Thanksgiving Day, surrounded by family, feeling grateful. I look around, realizing how much I’ve learned over the past four months. One, you don’t have to be blood to be family. I have my new family at school: Mac, Austin, Ian, and even Nick. Second, your past definitely does not define you, and sometimes, bad things happen to good people, but with good friends, you can get through it. I realized I had been using guys to control what happened to me, it was why I had the no touching rule, but in reality it was controlling me—until Zeke. With him, I learned to let go, and was able to let him in. In reality, the letting go to take a chance with him became the biggest step in moving forward. It enabled me to move on from my attack and to take back my control, without the need to be with random guys. Lastly, I learned how much I deserved to be loved, and you get back what you give.

I’ve decided to go a little easier on myself next semester and take classes I enjoy. I really like books and reading, and I’m sure a lot of that stems from my mom’s love for books. I’m thinking of being a writer, or journalist. I’m not sure yet. The beauty is it’s now my choice to decide. I also thought about getting back into dance. It’s definitely something I love and I’ve missed.

About a month ago, Professor Forrester quietly resigned. I guess word got around campus that he was on probation. Seems the male population, along with a few girls, had noticed some rather crude and salacious acts by him and finally felt compelled to come forward. I don’t think letting him resign was punishment enough. I just hope he doesn’t do this to any other girls.

Glancing around, I spot my mom in the kitchen talking and laughing with Julie. They really seem to have hit it off. As promised, Mom and I are taking it one day at a time, but we’ve been able to begin to build a relationship. Mom never went into detail about the things my dad did when she left. That conversation was our first argument. I felt I deserved to know, but Mom had a different view. She strongly believes some things children don’t need to know, particularly the ugliness that can happen between two parents, even if the child is grown. And once I'd thought about it, I really respected her for that. I’ve already seen my share of ugliness from the Warden and there is nothing to be gained from adding to that. He’d never believed me when it really mattered, even though I’d never given him a reason not to. I haven’t heard from him since I cut the financial ties, and I'm okay with that. As I watch my mom, laughing with Julie, I smile and think how nice it is to have my mom back.

I’m curled into Zeke’s side, on the couch, with his arm draped around me. Lara decided to snuggle up into my lap and she’s fallen fast asleep. I absently stroke her hair and hold her just a little tighter. It’s amazing how quickly she’s attached herself to me, and I love it.

Zeke leans over, smiling and says, “You know, you’re spoiling her.”

“Oh hush, it’s no different than what you do. Plus, we don’t get to see her that often, so I’ll take whatever I can, and spoil away.”

Zeke lightly chuckles then says, “I love seeing how much you love her. She loves you a lot, you know.”

I look up at him, amazed at the love I feel for both of them. “I know, and I wouldn’t change a thing.”