Change of Heart (19 page)

The motorcyclists, almost as if it had been choreographed, reached up and pulled bandanas, military baseball caps, and beanies from their heads, holding them to their chests.

“We're up,” Alex announced, walking toward us in his Class A uniform, his back ramrod straight. He and Shane were both in full military dress, and I'd never seen either of them look more handsome.

“You good?” Bram asked as he walked me over to where Liz and Katie were holding the kids' hands.

“Yeah, go get him,” I ordered, glancing at the hearse.

Our family followed the boys as they carried Henry's casket into the packed church, then we slid into the front two pews silently. Even the kids were quiet as the pastor began to speak.

There were photos near the front of the church, lined up to the sides of the casket.

Henry at eighteen in his Dress Blues. I remembered him telling me that it wasn't even a full uniform they'd made him put on for the photo, just a jacket and cover.

Henry at around seven or eight, sitting on Trevor's shoulders, his face smeared in what looked like blackberries.

Henry at four, his arms wrapped around Ellie's neck as he cheesed for the camera. Her mouth was open wide like she was laughing.

Henry in full camouflage, a helmet on his head and his face dirty, his blue eyes vivid as he smiled widely for the camera.

Henry and Mike, sitting in the rockers on Mike and Ellie's back porch—obviously unaware that anyone was taking their photo.

Henry, with me hanging off his back, the rest of the kids crowded around during a camping trip right before Alex had left for the Army.

The last one was my favorite. It was taken the last time he was home, and Katie and Shane's kids were hanging on him like monkeys. Iris and Gunner were on his shoulders like he was showing off for the camera, Gavin and Keller were sitting on his feet, and Sage was standing with her arms wrapped around his waist, her smile wide as she looked up at him.

It was Hen's life in a series of pictures, and I hated that we couldn't put up any extra. He was more than that. He liked vodka, especially the flavored kind, though he'd sworn me to secrecy on that. He didn't wear underwear, but bought new socks once a month because he said he liked them soft. He carried around one picture—of Ellie—that he'd stolen when he was twelve from one of Ellie and Mike's old photo albums.

He hated Mexican food, but loved Thai. He said drinking milk was like drinking someone else's phlegm and refused to have anything to do with it. He liked the color blue and wore it because it looked good on him. He put more product in his hair than I did. He had a tattoo over his ribs that he refused to discuss with anyone, and one on his shoulder that he called a boot camp scar.

He loved his family. He was abnormally good at Ping-Pong…and beer pong.

I looked down at Arielle as I listened to the pastor read the story of Henry's life that Trevor had written. It was full of facts. The day he was born, the day he'd moved into Ellie and Mike's, when he'd graduated high school, his military accomplishments.

My face felt numb.

Arielle woke up and kicked her feet as Trevor and Shane stood up at the end of the aisle, stepping toward the podium at the front of the church. “Shh,” I whispered, unwrapping Arie as she pushed at her blanket. “Gotta be quiet, Uncle Trev and Uncle Shane are talking.”

“Thank you for coming.” Trev's deep voice flowed through the church's sound system. “My little brother would really like that his funeral was standing room only.”

The crowded church broke out in quiet laughs.

“He'd never let us hear the end of it,” Trev said with a smile, leaning toward the small microphone in front of him. His voice cracked a little, and he reached up to rub a hand over his face as Shane stepped closer to him.

“Henry was annoying,” he said, making the church laugh. “Funny, and charming…and annoying.” They laughed a little louder.

Liz reached out and rested her hand on my knee as Trevor continued, and we listened to how Trevor remembered his little brother.

The rest of the funeral went by quickly, classmates and a few of Henry's Marine friends that had flown in for the funeral got up and shared little stories about Hen. Most of them were funny, some were poignant, all were welcome. I didn't get up to speak. I didn't think that I'd be able to do it without making an ass out of myself.

Then all too soon we were on our way to the military cemetery a half an hour away. When Mike and Ellie had found out about Henry, they'd immediately found a spot for him, and since Mike was a Marine veteran, bought the plot next to him, too.

The Patriot Guard escorted us there. It was sweet of them to do, even though Henry's death wasn't exactly high profile. I couldn't imagine anyone giving us any trouble that they'd have to guard us from, but according to Bram, it was more of a respect thing. Either way, it was pretty incredible to watch.

The Marines kind of took over the ceremony as soon as we got there, and I knew it was a relief for Ellie. She didn't have to worry about any of it. She could sit there numbly while the cemetery director and honor guard took care of everything.

They played Taps and folded the flag draped over Henry's casket in quick, precise movements. Then one of the Marines moved to Ellie, dropping to one knee and murmuring to her as he handed her the flag with both hands.

Bram took Arielle from my arms, and I watched in confusion as he braced her head against his chest, covering the opposite side with his wide palm.

I jerked at the first gunshot.

Then I closed my eyes as the other two rang through the quiet afternoon.

“Thanks,” I whispered, leaning against Bram's shoulder.

“Didn't want it to hurt her ears,” he replied.

I nodded, my chest tightening.

Then, all of a sudden, it was over, and we were just supposed to leave him there alone.

“I'm glad it's over,” Katie said quietly, dropping down beside me on the couch as I fed Arielle.

The last person had finally left Mike and Ellie's house just fifteen minutes before. The funeral had gone well, as far as funerals went, but it had hurt. Bad. It had felt so wrong to leave Henry at the cemetery. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't Henry anymore. That it was just the shell of him, not the boy I'd watched grow up—but it didn't matter. He was there in the cold ground, and I was afraid that, if I thought about it too long, I would start screaming.

None of us had been able to leave right away, and eventually, Dan and Liz herded the kids back into the cars and brought them home while the rest of us watched as the cemetery crew used a small tractor to fill in Henry's grave.

We'd eventually moved away, but Trevor had said he'd be a few more minutes.

He still wasn't back.

“When does Shane have to leave?” I asked Kate, pulling the bottle from Arielle's slack mouth.

“He flies back with us tomorrow,” she said, reaching out to take Arielle from me, then cuddling my girl to her chest as she started patting her back gently. “Then he'll leave the next day.”

“Are you sure you don't want to stay longer?” I asked, turning toward her on the couch. “Since Shane is leaving anyway, you could—”

“No,” Kate said, cutting me off with a small shake of her head. “I'd love to stay for a while, but the kids need to be home.” She gave me a sad smile. “They need to be in their own house and going through their own routines. The little ones will snap back, but Keller, Gavin, and Sage are having a hard time.”

I nodded. Henry had been living in San Diego for over a year, and I knew that Kate and Shane's family saw him often. It wasn't the same with us in Oregon, only getting visits when Hen was able to take some leave. The Anderson kids were going to have to get used to not seeing their uncle at the dinner table and during birthday parties. He wasn't a distant relative for them—he'd been a significant part of their lives, and on top of losing him, they had to deal with a dad who still had five months left on a deployment halfway across the world.

“Do you want me to come down?” I asked tentatively. “I still have some maternity leave.”

“Nah.” Kate shook her head. “I think that would push Bram over the edge.”

“What do you mean?” I asked stupidly, opening myself up to a host of shit I didn't want to deal with.

“He loves you, idiot,” she said in exasperation. “It's bad enough that Shane and I have to be separated. You and Bram don't need to do that shit too.”

“We're not together,” I replied woodenly, leaning my head on my arm. “It's not the same.”

“Isn't he staying at your house?” she asked incredulously. “How much more ‘together' do you need to be?”

“It's not like that.”

“It's exactly like that.”

“He broke up with me, Kate,” I huffed, closing my eyes. “How much clearer do I need to be? We're not together. He doesn't want to be with me.”

“He loves you.”

“So do Alex and Trevor. I'm not with either of them.”

“You also haven't slept with Alex or Trevor,” Kate retorted, then went completely still. “You haven't, right?”

“Shut up,” I snorted, making her laugh. “Look, I get it, okay? Bram and I have this thing between us. But that doesn't mean that it's going to go anywhere. I have to think about Arielle.”

“He loves Arielle.”

“He does,” I nodded. “Absolutely. But he doesn't want to be her dad.”

“You don't know—”

“I
do
know that. He's been really clear, Katie. And that's okay. He doesn't owe us anything. But I can't start shit up with him again when I know there's no future in it. That's not fair to me or to her.”

“Mom said to call you guys into the dining room,” Bram said flatly from behind me, making my entire body tense. I wasn't sure how much he'd heard, but he had to have heard something by the tone of his voice.

I twisted slowly to look at him, but I only met his eyes for a second before he was turning away.

“Shit,” Kate groaned, pushing off the couch.

“It's fine,” I said distractedly, trying to shake it off. I hadn't said anything that Bram and I both didn't already know.

We weren't together, and we weren't going to be together. I loved him, I may always love him, but that didn't mean that we were going to prance away in a field of daisies and live happily ever after. The real world didn't work that way. People died in training accidents. Husbands left their wives for months at a time to fight in wars that had nothing to do with them personally. Fifteen-year-olds got pregnant and had to give up their babies.

Couples split up because one of them wanted children and the other one didn't.

I followed Kate into the dining room and stopped short as I saw everyone sitting around the table. Apparently, Trevor had come in through the back because even he was there, his arm around Ellie as she spoke quietly into his ear. The kids were back in one of the bedrooms watching a movie, but every single adult was present and seated in a chair.

“Come in and sit down,” Dan said from his place at the head of the table.

I moved slowly, watching distractedly as Bram reached for Arielle as Kate passed him.

There were two spots left when Kate sat down, and I glanced to the side to see the kids' folding chairs leaned up against the far wall.

“Here,” Bram said quietly, pulling out the chair to his left with one hand. “Sit down.”

I dropped woodenly into the seat he'd directed me to, and we all sat for a few moments, staring at each other as we waited for one of the parents to speak.

Finally, Ellie cleared her throat.

“First, I want to thank all you kids for how you stepped up this week,” she said with a small sniffle. She raised her chin and clenched her hands together on the table. “I don't know where I'd be if my boys hadn't stepped in and taken care of things the way they have. And that goes for you guys too.” She glanced around the table, her eyes stopping on Bram and me before moving to Alex and then Katie.

“Henry was my baby,” she said achingly, pausing to swallow hard.

My hand reached out blindly and grabbed ahold of Bram's thigh, anchoring myself as a wave of sorrow seemed to crash into me.

“Henry was my baby,” Ellie said again after she'd gotten herself under control. “And I'm not sure where we'll go from here. Hell, I can't imagine tomorrow, much less worry about things down the road.”

Bram's hand covered mine on his thigh, and he curled his fingers, lacing them through mine.

“But Liz and I were talking earlier,” Ellie continued, looking around at us. “And we were discussing how happy we are that we have children who come home whenever they can. A family that's happy to spend time together and loves each other. Not all people have that, you know? Kids grow up and grow apart—but not you kids. You're as close now as you were when you were little.”

Bram's hand tightened in mine.

“None of you have wanted to sit down together like we're doing now,” Ellie said. “And I understand it, because I didn't want to either.” She sniffled again, and Mike reached out to rub her back.

“But this—sitting down together for a meal—it's always been important, and it might be even more important now. I'm not giving it up. So we're going to sit here and eat all this dessert that people have been dropping off, and we're going to talk, and Alex is going to needle Trevor until he starts gritting his teeth, and Kate's going to try and talk to Ani even though she's all the way at the other end of the table. We're going to get this out of the way now, so the next time we sit down and my baby boy isn't here, it might be just a little bit easier.” Ellie finished off her last words with a hard nod.