Change of Heart (22 page)

I closed my eyes and fell asleep almost instantly with her hot breath on my chest.

The next morning she was gone when I woke up.

Y
ou and me, kid,” I said to Arielle as she sucked on a washcloth. “Mama's going to get it together. I promise.”

She didn't reply. Obviously. But I felt better saying it out loud.

We were in the bathtub, and Arielle was resting on my bent knees, both of us waist deep in water. Usually I just gave her a bath in the kitchen sink, but after my little meltdown at Bram's the night before, I needed a relaxing bath. I wondered vaguely if Arielle had peed yet in the water, but figured it didn't matter.

What I didn't know couldn't gross me out.

“I have to go back to work soon,” I said, spreading the warm washcloth over Arie's chest like a little blanket while she stared at me. “But you're going to stay with Nana. That'll be fun, right?”

Arielle's foot slid up my belly and pressed against the bottom of my boob. “Hey, now,” I said, laughing. “Feet to yourself, miss.”

I cupped a handful of water and poured it carefully over her head, laughing when she sputtered. I didn't even get any on her face, the big wuss.

“Just so we're clear, I don't want to leave you,” I said seriously, running my fingers through her wispy hair. “But Mama's gotta keep you in formula and diapers, ya know? Have to pay the bills and all that boring stuff.

“It's kind of nice when it's just me and you, right?” I said when Arie grabbed at my hand and pulled it to her mouth. “I like seeing all your uncles and aunties, but they steal you all the time.

“Yeah, I get it.” I nodded when she looked at me with wide eyes. “You never have to be put down when they're around. But it's not like I ignore you. Sometimes Mama has to sweep the floors and you have to hang out in your swing. That's life, dude.”

I jerked hard when someone suddenly knocked on my bathroom door, my heart beating frantically as Arielle froze at my movement.

“Ani?” Bram called through the door, making my eyes close in dread.

“Yeah? I'm—” The door opened before I could tell him to stay out. “Shut the door,” I called, curling my body around Arielle's. It was warm in the bathroom, but I knew it was probably ten degrees cooler in the rest of the house.

Bram quickly closed the door behind him, and I scowled in frustration.

“What are you doing?” he asked teasingly, coming farther into the room.

“We're in the bath,” I growled, right as Arielle squawked loudly.

“I see that,” Bram murmured, smiling at Arielle as he sat down on the toilet next to us. “Are you having fun, baby girl?” he asked, reaching out to run his finger down Arie's arm.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. I really wanted to cover up my boobs, which were on full display, but the only thing within reaching distance was the washcloth covering Arielle, and I wasn't going to steal it from her.

“Just wanted to see how you were doing,” he said simply, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “You were pretty upset last night.”

“Yeah,” I replied uncomfortably. “I think I was having a chemical imbalance or something.”

“You were exhausted,” he said tenderly, reaching out to brush some hair out of my face.

“That too. Hey, can you turn the hot water on behind me?” I asked, desperate to change the subject. The water was cooling off around us, and I wasn't quite ready to stand up bare-assed naked with Bram sitting right there.

“Lean forward,” he ordered, turning on the taps. His hand ran across my back as he checked the water temperature, and I shivered at the sensation.

The water was loud, and after a few seconds, Arielle's face screwed up into a ridiculously sad expression. “Oh crap!” I muttered. “Turn them off!”

“What? Did I burn you?” Bram asked frantically, rushing to turn the water back off.

“No, but look at her.”

Bram leaned forward after the room was quiet again and laughed as he caught the expression on Arielle's face. “What's the matter?” he crooned, making Arielle look even sadder. “What's wrong?”

She let out a pathetic little whimper, and I laughed as Bram let out a soft chuckle.

“I guess I should get her out,” I said finally, once Arielle's face had gone back to normal and she was staring at her hands.

“You guys are looking a little wrinkly,” Bram agreed, getting to his feet. He reached over to the counter and snagged the two towels I'd set there.

“Give her to me,” he ordered, dropping my towel on the closed toilet lid and opening Arie's wide over his chest. He plucked her out of my arms and set her against the towel, wrapping her up snugly. “Your turn,” he murmured huskily.

Shit.

I pulled the plug and stood in the tub, shivering instantly as my wet lower body hit the air. It only took me seconds to grab the towel and wrap it around myself, but I felt every single one of those seconds as Bram stared at my body.

“So you're going back to work soon?” Bram asked as he followed me into my bedroom. I'd set out all of our clothes so they were ready when we were done with our bath, so all we had to do was dry off and slip them on.

Becoming a mother had taught me the importance of planning ahead.

“Yeah, Monday actually,” I said as Bram laid Arielle on the bed and dried her quickly.

“Arie's staying with my mom?” he asked, deftly putting on her diaper, then pulling her little undershirt over her head.

“Yep,” I murmured, keeping one eye on what he was doing and the other on getting dressed as quickly as I could in a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt.

“She'll do good there,” he assured me, buttoning up Arielle's little footed pajamas. “Mom's looking forward to it.”

“I know,” I said, stuffing my feet into some socks. “I just hate leaving her all day. I'm going to miss shit.”

“Have you thought about staying home with her?” he asked, snagging a receiving blanket off the end of the bed and wrapping Arielle like a burrito before pulling her to his chest.

“Of course I have,” I scoffed. “But the bills won't pay themselves.”

Bram nodded as I sat down on the edge of the bed, running my fingers through my hair.

“We need to talk,” he said, glancing down at Arie. “She's sleeping. Where should I put her?”

I guess bath time was more tiring than I'd realized. I'd have to remember that the next time Arielle refused to go to sleep.

“Crib in her room,” I answered, crossing the hallway to lead him into the nursery. “She sleeps in here during the day, but she refuses to at night.”

Bram huffed out a laugh and set Arie in her crib with a kiss on her forehead before turning to me and gripping my arm to tow me out of the room. He wasn't mean about it, and it didn't hurt, but it sure as hell gave off the impression that he meant business.

“We need to talk,” he said again as we reached the living room.

“Eh, I'm good,” I mumbled, taking a couple nonchalant steps away from him when his hand slid off my arm.

“You came to my house at four o'clock this morning.”

“Temporary insanity.”

“Don't act like that, Ani.”

“I'm acting like myself.”

“Stop.”

“Well, that's not very nice.”

“Quit.”

“I'm feeling a bit tired,” I said with a fake yawn. “Let's do this tomorrow—or never.”

“Why can't you be serious for one fucking second?”

“I am being serious. I'd rather have this discussion, never.”

“I am completely in love with you,” he ground out angrily. The words were so incongruent with his tone that part of me wanted to laugh. The rest of me was frozen though, like one of those fainting goats that are all over YouTube, the ones who go completely stiff when they're startled and then fall right over. That was me. I was a goat.

“I love you too,” I said back softly, “But that doesn't really change anything.”

“It changes everything.”

“No, it doesn't. You loved me before. You loved me when you punched Alex in the face when he found out we were sleeping together.”

“It's different now,” he murmured taking a step forward.

“Bram,” I sighed, wrapping my arms across my chest. “It
is
different. You're right. But the difference is that my priorities have completely shifted. Arielle comes first.”

“I know that,” he replied calmly.

“Then I'm not sure what you want from me. I have a family, okay? And as much as I like you, I can't be with someone that I don't have a future with.”

“Why the hell wouldn't you have a future with me?” he asked baldly.

“Because you don't want kids!” I hissed, losing my patience. God, it was like talking to a brick wall. I was trying to go easy, but he just kept pushing like he had no idea what I was talking about.

“I changed my mind,” he replied softly, making my jaw drop.

It only took a second. One second for my surprise to turn into red-hot fury.

“Oh, you changed your mind?” I said nastily. I could feel my skin growing warm as I flushed with anger. “All of a sudden you want to be someone's daddy?”

“All of a sudden?” Bram scoffed, wiping his hand over his beard. “Sure, let's go with that.”

“Too bad,” I said flatly.

“What?” Bram's eyes opened wide in surprise, and I was secretly glad that I'd rattled his composure a little.

“I said too bad. We're not here for your amusement, Abraham. You don't just get to change your mind in a split second and decide that I should be what? Grateful? Jesus.”

“A split second?” he asked incredulously, bracing his hands on his hips.

“Oh, hey,” I said derisively. “I think I want to play daddy today. That sounds fun. Maybe tomorrow I can be a fireman, and the day after that I'll be an astronaut.”

“You've got to be fucking kidding me,” he growled, glaring at me.

“Well, thanks for stopping by,” I said cheerfully, moving to walk around him to the front door.

“A split second,” he said as I reached him, gripping my arm to stop me. “Yeah, I guess that's true.”

I felt my little black heart curl into itself at his words.

“But it wasn't a split second today,” he said quietly, “It was a month ago.”

“Oh, give me a fucking break,” I groaned, pulling at my arm. “I'm not doing this with you.”

“You're such a fucking bitch sometimes,” he said in exasperation, letting go of my arm but not letting me pass him.

“I accept that,” I agreed with a nod.

“Knock it off, Anita.”

“All right.” I dropped all expression on my face and stood still, waiting for him to finish what he wanted to say.

I just wanted to get the entire thing over with. It was pointless.

“I want to be her dad,” he said seriously, pointing toward Arielle's room. “I want to be your man and her dad. That clear enough for you?”

I didn't let him see the way his words affected me. It was what I'd been waiting for, wasn't it? I'd kept going, putting our relationship behind me even though it had been damn near impossible, but in the back of my mind a small kernel of hope had flickered. I'd just never imagined that it would actually happen.

“You can't just decide all of a sudden after thirty-three years of never wanting kids that you want to be a family man,” I said flatly, refusing to even consider it. “You're full of shit. What, going through a dry spell? Fine—strip. Arielle's asleep for at least an hour. We've got time.”

Bram's chest heaved as he stared at me in disbelief. “You think I haven't thought this through?” he ground out.

“I think you're lonely and upset about Henry, and I'm a safe option,” I answered honestly, the words tasting like gravel in my mouth.

“You know what, Anita?” he asked, shaking his head. “You're going to believe whatever the fuck you want to believe—”

“Very true,” I cut in.

“But you're fucking
deluding
yourself if you think that I haven't been Arielle's daddy since the minute you handed her to me in the hospital.”

“I know you love her, Bram,” I said, lowering my voice in response to his rising one. “You love all the kids.”

“Aw, fuck you,” he sneered, making me jerk back in surprise. “You're so fucking blind.”

“Her bottles and formula are in one side of her diaper bag, and the diapers and wipes are on the other,” I told Liz on my first day back to work. We were standing in the middle of her kitchen while I held Arielle to my chest, dreading the moment that I'd have to hand her over. “She's got two extra pairs of clothes in there too. She didn't have a rash this morning, but sometimes it flares up out of nowhere so I put her diaper cream in the side pocket just in case. She usually naps around nine, but if she doesn't fall asleep until later that's fine too, but there's always at least two naps during the day, if she doesn't fall asleep then—”

“Take a deep breath, Ani,” Liz interrupted with a laugh. “I've got the basics down.”

I opened my mouth to argue, then shut it again.

“But since all babies are different, I'll call you at the office if I have any questions, okay?”

“Okay,” I answered with a nod.

It was probably time for me to go. I needed to get to my office and start fixing all the things that I knew the temporary office manager had done wrong, but I really, really didn't want to leave Arielle.

“She'll be fine, I promise,” Liz said. “You brought over half your house so she'll have plenty to do.”

She was right. I had. I'd loaded Arielle's swing, bassinet, and bouncy seat into the back of my SUV and brought it with us to Liz's. It had made sense at the time, but now it felt a little like overkill. Hell, we'd been over at Liz and Mike's constantly after we found out about Henry, and Arielle hadn't needed any of her stuff then.