Authors: Shana Burton
Catt Chasing (20 page)
“Then why can't I see it?”
“You've had the worst thing that can happen to a person happen to you. As a man, I'll probably never know what that's like, but I do know that if you let them get in here and change who you are, they will have won. Don't give them that victory, Catt.”
“It's just been so hard. That night took so much from me, Jamal, some of which I don't think I've ever gotten back. That's probably why I stay so involved with my work and the church. It gives me an escape and allows me to be in the world without letting anyone get too close. I've spent so much time building this wall that I don't know what else to do or who to trust anymore.”
“You can trust me. And when you don't know what to do, just lean on me and we'll figure it out together.”
He reached across the seat and pulled her to him. She rested her head on his shoulder. “Okay.”
“And I don't want you blaming yourself for what happened, you hear me? And don't ever think that you aren't worthy.” He kissed her on the forehead. She closed her eyes and let herself be comforted.
Chapter 30
It was their last night, the last time they would be together like this. They decided to go dancing for a change and found an intimate jazz club at the end of a long Memphis street. After nibbling on scallops and crepes with a glass of wine for dinner, Jamal and Catt headed back to the hotel.
Jamal walked her to her door, both of them anticipating what would happen next. “Are you about to turn in for the night?”
She shook her head. “I'm not really that tired. What about you?”
“I'm not sleepy either.” His eyes fell to the floor. “I was sort of wondering if you wanted to let me come in for a minute.”
Catt's heart rate sped up. “Umm . . . okay. I suppose that'll be all right.” She unlocked the door and let him in.
Jamal seemed almost as nervous as she was. He picked up the remote control. “You want to watch something on TV?”
“If you want to.”
He tossed the remote aside. “Nah, I'm not really in that kind of mood right now.”
“What kind of mood are you in?”
Jamal shrugged. “We can just talk if you want.”
“Okay.”
He sat down on the bed and invited her to join him. “Catt, I want you to know this has been the trip of a lifetime for me. I know it was supposed to be about meeting our sales goals and promoting Telegenic, but the only part I'll remember years from now is time I spent alone with you.”
“It's been very special for me too, Jamal.”
“I've never met anyone like you, Catt. You're smart, funny, and easy to talk to.” She mentally noted that he left out sexy or beautiful.
“I'm glad we've had this time to see each other for who we really are. You know, initially, I thought you were a pompous, arrogant, misogynistic creep.” She snickered. “I don't think you're misogynistic anymore.”
Jamal pretended to be offended. “Oh, you got jokes, huh?” He seized her and teasingly tussled her down on the bed.
Catt shrieked with laughter. “I'm kidding, all right! You're cool!”
“That's better.” He let her go. Jamal's playfulness turned serious. “Honestly, I can't believe you're still single.”
She smiled up at him. “I'm still waiting for God to send me the man He wants me to have.”
“Sometimes, you can't just wait for things to happen. Every once in a while, you've got to take the initiative.” He curved his hand around her face. “Like now . . .”
Jamal drew Catt's face into his and pulled her into a lip-lock. His kiss permeated through her whole body. The look in his eyes and the deep thrusting of his kiss solved the mystery of what he had in mind. The remaining question was whether Catt would take the bait.
Catt was the first one to pull away. “What was that for?” she asked surprised.
“I just felt like kissing you. I've been feeling like that a lot lately.” He drew her in for another kiss.
Catt broke away again. “This is so cliché.”
“What is?” asked Jamal, still holding her.
“Us, slobbing each other down in my hotel room like a couple of horny teenagers.”
“Would you prefer my room?”
She socked him in the arm. “Jamal, you know what I mean. To top it off, this just confirmed the theory that men and women can't be friends without sex being involved.”
“So is sex going to be involved?” he asked hopefully.
She parted her lips to speak but didn't know what to say. Yes, biblically, she knew what to do: flee the devil; resist temptation; don't have sex outside of marriage. But there was a part of her that longed to be kissed and held and made to feel like a woman.
“Jamal, let's say, hypothetically, that if something were to happen between us tonight, what happens in the morning? Can we go back to normal after that?”
“I can, but can you?”
Catt pondered the question but didn't have an answer to give him. “You see, this is why I wanted to stay platonic,” insisted Catt.
“You don't think this is platonic?”
“Far from it! This was not supposed to happen.”
“What?”
“This . . . everything being all complicated like this. I just wanted to be your friend, Jamal.”
“You don't think we're friends?”
“Of course we are. I just wasn't expecting to feel this way about you. You know my brain is telling me to run and get out while I still can.”
“So I take it that your feelings for me run a lot deeper than just the brother/sister dynamic that we've tried to create over the past few weeks?” He waited for a reply from her. “It's okay, Catt. My feelings for you have taken me to places that I wasn't expecting either, but I don't think we should run from what's happening between us.”
“I'm glad to know it's not just me.” She smiled nervously at him, relieved to have finally come out and said what she was feeling, but was clueless as to what to do about it.
“So . . .” he traced the outline of her neck with his finger. “Are we gon' do this or what?” He brushed his lips across her lips. “I know it's crossed your mind at least once.”
“It has,” she admitted. “But I don't want to do anything we might regret later on.”
“Catt, it's one night, our last night together. I feel like we've gotten closer over the last three weeks than some people do in a lifetime. Let's just have our night and see what happens.”
She wrapped her hands around the back of his head. “I don't know . . .”
He stroked her hair. “You know, I meant what I said earlier. I think we should see this thing all the way through and find out where it takes us.”
“What if we look at each other tomorrow and wish we never did it.”
“Just live in the moment, Catt. That's what this whole trip has been all about.” He braided his hand into hers. “Live in the moment.”
She tilted her head to face him and placed a soft, tender kiss on his lips. She felt her biblical and moral standards slipping with every kiss that passed between them. But somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew that something bigger was at stake than her libido at that moment. As much as she wanted to be with Jamal in every way, she knew she couldn't.
He felt her pulling away. “What's wrong?”
She sighed and sat up. “I can't explain it. Being with you just feels right to me, but I know it's wrong.”
The disappointment registered on his face. “Does this mean you're having second thoughts?”
“I don't want this to change things between us, but I know it will. And, as much as I want to be with you, I can't compromise my principles for anyone.”
Jamal exhaled and gave himself a minute for the fires to burn out of his system. “Okay, I can respect that.”
“Are you mad at me?” she asked warily.
“Let down is more like it,” he revealed. “But I've been turned down before and much further along in the process! It's cool.” He planted a kiss on her forehead. “You want me to leave?”
“No, unless that's the only reason you came over.”
“I came because I wanted to spend my last night with you whether we're watching TV or watching each other naked.”
She laughed. “I think we should try doing the former.”
He grabbed the remote and cradled her in his arms. “You okay?”
She nodded. “Better than okay. In fact, I can't remember the last time I was this happy.” She wrapped her arm around him. “What about you? How are you feeling right now?”
“I'm good, better than I've been in a long time.”
“You ready for tomorrow?”
“Whatâwhen we get back to the real world?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“Let's think about tomorrow, tomorrow. For now, let's live in the moment.”
Chapter 31
At Catt's insistence, Jamal wound up at the very place he'd once vowed to never return to again following his mother's funeral and burial. Up until this point, he'd made good on his promise.
“Watch your step!” cautioned Jamal as they trekked their way through the neglected cemetery. It was overgrown with brush and thorns and was barely visible through the undergrowth. It looked like the kind of place where people buried relatives they had all intentions of forgetting once the funeral was over.
His father's decaying headstone was next to his mother's and in just as bad a condition. He used to visit his father's burial plot whenever he felt lonely or longed to be close to his father but stopped once his mother's body had been placed next to it.
Catt stooped over her headstone and swept aside the leaves and dirt that concealed her name. “Are you ready?” she asked Jamal.
Jamal nodded and kneeled down beside her. “This feels weird to me.”
“Just talk to her. Tell her what you want her to know . . . good or bad.”
Jamal started to say something and stopped several times before finally breaking his silence. “I know you're probably wondering what I'm doing here,” he began, addressing his mother. “âWhy now?' To tell you the truth, I don't really have an answer. It seems strange, you knowâbeing here with you and Daddy, yet not being with you at the same time.” He looked up at the cloudless sky, picturing them in heaven looking down on him.
“Have the two of you been watching over me all this time? Have you seen my little girl? I guess it's some comfort knowing she's up there with family.” He gave himself a moment to let the pain of remembering Kennedy pass.
He addressed his mother again. “Most all my life I've hated you. I thought that you were the most selfish person that ever walked this earth. First for abandoning us to chase after your dreams, then for leaving Dad for Leroy, only to have him beat and misuse you in the end. Mostly, I hated you for taking my father away from me. You didn't pull the trigger, but you might as well have. You didn't love him, not like a wife should love her husband, and it destroyed him. And meâI was just a kid. I didn't deserve to get all caught up in your bull.” He shook his head as he reflected on the mess that her actions had made in all of their lives.
“But I'm not a kid anymore. It's only now that I'm finally able to understand what life must have been like for you. The way you felt about music, the way it moved through you and became a part of you; that's the way I feel about what I do. I can't suppress that any more than you could suppress your voice. I even understand the way Leroy made you feel, how he made you come alive and look forward to waking up every day because that's how Kennedy made me feel. And I know why you had to leave Daddy. The marriage was choking you. You married him because you had me and you felt like it was the right thing to do. Maybe it was right for me but not for you. I know what it's like to go into a marriage with the best of intentions and it still not work out. Tonya was the kindest and most devoted person I've ever known. She was an excellent mother and tried to be a good wife to me. But you can't make yourself feel something that isn't there. Whatever magic we had died when Kennedy did.” He broke off a weed and flicked it into the air.
“And it wasn't all your fault. Looking back at it, I have to acknowledge that Daddy had some serious issues of his own. Why else would he have been driven to take his own life or not let you go when he saw that you were so miserable? I don't hate you now, and I forgive you for any part you had in my father's death. I just wish that I hadn't wasted so much time being angry. I have peace with the situation now, and I forgive you.” He placed his hand gingerly on the tombstone. “I forgive you.”
“How do you feel?” asked Catt.
“Relieved, like this weight I've been carrying around since I was fourteen has finally been lifted.”
“That's how it is when you cast all of your burdens over to the Lord. âCast all your cares on him because he cares for you.'”
“One day, I hope I can be as strong in my faith as you are in yours.”
“You will be,” promised Catt. “Once you realize that you can trust God and that He loves you so much that He'll never leave or forsake you, you won't have any problems trusting Him.”
Jamal placed his hand in Catt's and led her out of the cemetery as they prepared to make their last stop. Either the return to Charlotte would signal the end or be the first step to their new beginning.
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