Carnal Compromise (15 page)

Her eyes popped open. “So that’s why he was looking at me like—”

“Like you’re a beautiful woman, nothing more,” he finished firmly. “Hake and Mandy knew nothing about you before we got here, and as far as they’re concerned, absolutely nothing is going to happen this visit. If the only games we play while we’re here are board games, that’s fine with everyone.”

“But you’ll all be disappointed.”

Brent cupped her chin with his palm. “Ariel Jane, that shouldn’t factor into your thinking at all. If you do anything with us as a group, we want you to do it because it’s a fantasy of yours, something you’re dying to do. You can’t do it just to make us happy because if we’re not all enjoying ourselves equally, no one really enjoys it.”

Chapter Eleven

AJ could see they were trying hard not to pressure her, but it was really difficult to wrap her head around the idea with them in the room.

“I need a little time to think about it.”

“Of course,” Brent said instantly.

“Alone.”

“Oh.” His hand fell away from her.

“Joe, would it be okay if I used the Blue Room tonight and you stayed in here with Brent?”

Joe hesitated for only a moment. “Sure, honey. He’ll just have to sleep with his fingers in his ears. I’ll go get my gear.”

“I’m sorry—”

Brent put his fingers on her lips.

“Don’t be. I should have thought of it myself.” He grimaced. “It really wasn’t fair of me to spring you all on each other. I’m the one who owes everyone an apology.”

She swallowed a lump in her throat. “Thank you for understanding. I know you both expected tonight to turn out a little different.”

“It’s not like we’re asking you to a barn dance, little girl,” Joe chided. “As much as we’d like to be with you tonight, we both want to be really careful not to coerce you into saying yes to something you’ll regret later.”

After he fetched his belongings from the Blue Room, she kissed them both on the cheek and took her small overnight bag down the hall. Since the bathroom was dark, she went in there first to wash her face and brush her teeth.

Once in her room, she stripped and put on the cute camisole and pajama bottoms she’d worn the other night. Once again, nobody but her was going to see them.

Leaving the small bedside lamp on, she threw back the covers and climbed between soft blue flannel sheets with a sigh. It felt odd to have all these acres of bed to herself, and she shivered, pulling the sheet and quilt up to her ears. No doubt she’d be plenty warm if she’d stayed in the other room with the boys, and for a moment, temptation just about overwhelmed her. She only had a limited number of nights with them before the season ended, and here she was wasting this one.

But she needed to think, and think hard, about what the coming day might bring, especially after all the weirdness of today. When the guys had gone into the shoe store with her, it had felt too intimate, somehow—like they didn’t already know way more about her than her boot size. Once again, she’d found herself feeling unattractive. A dainty, pretty woman would have sent them off to do some man errands or something while she shopped for high heels or perfume or sexy lingerie.

In fact, she wouldn’t have minded having all of those—they might have made her feel more womanly—but it was kind of late in the game, and it wasn’t as if she had any pretty clothes to go with them. Joe and Brent knew she didn’t have stuff like that and buying it now would have felt…obvious. They’d have known she was doing it because of them.

Then Joe had tried to pay for her boots and she’d overreacted just a tad. Or maybe a lot. Deep inside, she’d realized he was trying to even the score with her just like he had with Brent, not buy her like a prostitute, but she’d still felt…cheap.

How much worse was she going to feel about herself after she’d participated in an orgy? Because that’s what it would be. If she helped Mandy fulfill Hake’s fantasy, Brent and Joe would be right there watching every second, and things would only heat up from there. The other four shared bonds that she didn’t have with them—blood ties, years of friendship and genuine affection. She would just be the fuck buddy. Next year they’d all carry on as before while she moved on alone to some other crew.

But how much worse
could
she feel, really? She was already having kinky sex with two men, and she’d already become way too attached to both of them. No matter what went down in the next day or two, she was going to be sorry as hell to leave them.

She rolled to her back and put her hands behind her head to stare at the dim circle of light on the ceiling. How did she know she could even go through with this anyway? When it came right down to it, she might be too self-conscious to get naked with Mandy in the same room. Mandy was beautiful—petite, feminine and sure of her own appeal. AJ was just…available. She didn’t know if she could stand to be seen side by side with the woman, knowing she compared so unfavorably.

A soft knock sounded at the door, which she’d left slightly ajar.

Puzzled, she sat up and said, “Come in.”

The door opened and Mandy peeked around the edge. “Am I disturbing you?”

“Not at all,” AJ assured her. “Please, come on in.”

Mandy slipped inside, wearing a pink bathrobe and fuzzy slippers. “I saw the light on and wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

“Yeah, I was lying here counting sheep,” AJ told her with a smile. “Must have slept too long in the truck today. Have a seat if you’d like,” she added, gesturing at the end of the bed as she drew up her feet and crossed her legs under the covers. “I’ll probably be awake for hours yet.”

Mandy shut the door quietly behind her and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I’m guessing you were thinking about something more momentous than sheep,” she said. “Brent told me.”

“Oh.” AJ picked at the quilt, suddenly very self-conscious again.

“I just wanted to make sure you weren’t feeling pressured—and I don’t mean just by the guys or us.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that I don’t want you to have some kind of unreasonable expectations of yourself just because you read my books,” she said earnestly. “Writers don’t do everything they write about—that’s why it’s called fiction.”

“You do.”

“Well, maybe not everything,” she started. When AJ raised a brow, she grinned. “Okay, maybe I do, but I’m not most women or even most writers. I’ve always had a bit of a kinky bent, but I didn’t really get to explore it until Ryan went off to college and I started writing. My mother is an artist and I was raised in San Francisco, so I was exposed to a broad spectrum of lifestyles from a very young age.”

“Wow,” AJ said, utterly fascinated. “And I was raised by an ultra-conservative farmer.”

“Exactly. So was Hake. It was a bit of an adjustment for him when I wanted things he’d never have dreamed of asking for.” She snickered. “You should have seen his face the first time I brought up anal.”

“
You
brought it up?”

Mandy laughed at her expression. “Well, I wanted to try it. I take it you don’t?”

Before this week, AJ would have given her an emphatic
No!
Now she wasn’t so sure.

“I never have,” she admitted. God, it felt good to have someone to talk to about this—someone who didn’t have a stake in the outcome.

“Why not?”

“I guess I’ve always kind of thought of it as something guys do to each other, because they don’t have a…a front door.”

“It’s called a vagina,” Mandy said drily.

“I know what it’s called,” she said, stung. “I’m just not use to talking this openly about…sex.” She hated that her voice was lower on that last word, but she just couldn’t help it.

Mandy looked like she fought a grin and lost. “I’m sorry, AJ. I’ve always had a tendency to be too frank, and I gave up euphemisms for human anatomy when I started writing smut. But you know, anal isn’t just about using the only opening available. After all, guys have mouths, too. Anal’s more about trust, I think, and being willing to share every part of your body. Believe it or not, some women really enjoy it.”

“I take it you do?” AJ asked. She slapped a hand over her mouth. “God, I’m sorry! Forget I asked that.”

“Hey, I’m the one who started this, and yeah, I adore anal. There’s nothing else like it.”

Something that felt uncomfortably like desire curled in AJ’s belly.

“It just never seemed very feminine to me,” she mumbled, heat crawling up her neck. “And I have a hard enough time feeling feminine without having to worry about…all the stuff that comes with anal.”

Mandy stretched out on her side and propped her head on her hand. “Why would you have trouble feeling feminine? Look at you—you look like a freaking model.”

AJ rolled her eyes. “A male model, maybe. For a farm supply store.”

“Wow, you’re really down on yourself, aren’t you?”

Self-consciousness smothered AJ like a blanket. Why had she even brought this up?

Because it had been years since she had a woman to talk to, that’s why, and Mandy Stivers seemed like someone she could just let it all hang out with and not feel judged.

“Mandy, look at me,” she said. “I’m almost six feet tall, and I have broad shoulders, no hips and no boobs to speak of.”

“You’ve got to be kidding! I’d kill to be as tall, slender and incredibly fit as you are. If you’d put on a tight shirt, a short skirt and a little mascara, you’d be a knockout.”

“I’d be a fraud,” AJ said miserably.

“Why?”

“Because I’m
not
feminine.” When Mandy just waited, AJ swallowed and confessed, “I was born with a uterine defect. I can’t have kids.”

Mandy looked puzzled. “Well, I’m sorry for your sake, honey, but how does that make you not feminine?”

“How can you ask me that?” AJ threw back the covers and stood up, shoving her hands through her hair. “You gave your husband a son,” she said, pacing on the small open patch of carpet. “Females are designed to carry young, and I can’t do that.”

“So, you think the only reason Hake married me was to have a brood mare?”

“Not at all.” AJ hesitated. “But why didn’t you have more kids, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“Hake was low on li’l swimmers. We talked about doing in vitro but I didn’t see any point in it. We were happy enough being a family of three.” She challenged AJ with a look. “So, do you think that makes him any less a man?”

Not just no, but
hell
no. If he’d been any more manly, she’d have gone up in flames when he looked at her earlier. “Of course not,” she said, putting hands on her hips, “but it’s different for men.”

“Bullshit.”

Knowing it was no use arguing with her, AJ said nothing. Of course it was different for men—Mandy just didn’t know it because she’d never been in AJ’s shoes. She’d never had to watch the man she’d married try to smile and say it didn’t matter when it really, really did. She’d never had to suffer the humiliation of trying to resurrect a sex life that had died with the life in her womb.

She’d never been a defective wife.

Mandy sighed. “Well, I can’t change your attitude overnight, but trust me when I say you are
so
far from not feminine.” Then a slow smile curved her lips. “I’d do you.”

AJ rolled her eyes and felt her own lips curl in an unwilling grin. “Very funny.”

“You think I’m kidding.” Mandy’s smile didn’t waver as she held AJ’s gaze. Then those pale blue eyes slid downward, lingering on her breasts before continuing over her stomach to the vee of her thighs.

AJ’s nipples, already tight from the chill in the air, prickled painfully against her camisole and a dull throb heated her clit. Breathless and trembling, she blinked, trying to collect her scattered thoughts.

“I’m sorry,” Mandy said instantly. “Here I’m supposed to be reassuring you and instead I’m coming on to you.”

“You’re coming on to me?” she repeated stupidly.

“I shouldn’t be.” That didn’t keep her eyes from drifting back to AJ’s nipples. “But I’ve never made out with another girl and you are
so
gorgeous.”

AJ opened her mouth but couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

“She’s been in there an awful long time,” Joe murmured.

They both lay on their backs in the dark, listening to the rain.

“That she has,” Brent agreed with a yawn.

“What do you think they’re talking about now?”

“I’ve never kissed a girl either,” she finally said, unable to take her eyes off Mandy.

“Do you want to?”

“I never thought about it.”

Mandy shifted on the mattress. “Well, while you’re thinking about playing with all of us, think about playing with me, too. Hake would flip. They all would.”

“Really? But I thought Hake’s fantasy was a three-way with two women.”

“Well, that’s what we talked about, but in retrospect, I’m pretty sure I did most of the talking. It’s kind of embarrassing to admit I just assumed he would have the same fantasies I did, only in reverse.”

“That would be a natural assumption, I guess,” AJ said. It was an interesting point. She and Rob had never really discussed fantasies. They were both so young and inexperienced when they met, even the tamest intimacy had been incredibly exciting when they finally slept together on their wedding night. If they’d stayed together, would they eventually have shared such fantasies and tried to fulfill them for each other? It seemed unlikely. Rob was just too traditional—she was the one who was always pushing boundaries.

“I thought so, too,” Mandy said with a grin, “and he didn’t bother to correct me, so really, it’s as much his fault as it is mine. But I’ve caught him watching a lot more girl-on-girl porn than ménage, and I’ve begun to think that might be a fantasy he’d enjoy more. But I also think he won’t ask for it because it might make me uncomfortable.”

AJ cast a dubious look at her. “He thinks doing a girl would make you more uncomfortable than sharing your husband with one?”

“I know, right? I mean come on, this is me we’re talking about. But— You read
Carnal Deliverance
, right?”

When AJ nodded, she said, “Well, that’s a pretty accurate depiction of what happened between us all a few years ago. Hake was actually the one who started it by asking the guys to fulfill
my
fantasies. He may have wound up being the one who was the most changed by it, but the fact was, he initiated it for
me
because he loved me and was determined to satisfy my needs no matter what it cost him. And God, I loved him for it.”