California Sunrise (23 page)

“Home. I think I’ll go home.”

“Good idea.” Dr. Susan unlocked her office. “You know, you can look up anything on the Internet. Maybe you can find out if your ex is wanted anywhere. If he’s had a juvenile record like you said, maybe there’s something more current.”

“That’s an idea.” Something she could use to strike back.

She found herself peering at shadows as they walked toward the parking garage.

“You should also get yourself some mace.” Dr. Susan held up a small canister. “It can come in handy.”

“I’d be afraid I’d mace myself.” Her laugh was nervous.

“Practice. Besides, you’ve got a lot of backbone. You’ll do what you have to.”

The compliment gave her the strength to stand a little straighter.

“It’s a good thing you came back,” Dr. Susan said. “The committee has approved your idea of an Asperger’s support group. In fact, Betsy Hawkins was very supportive. You and your doctor friend really made an impact on her staff.”

Another millimeter taller. “So what do I do next?”

“You’ll need to contact the scheduling office and plan a few months out. With the next semester coming up soon, you might delay to the end of September, let everyone get settled. Speaking of which, have you chosen your classes yet?”

“No. I’ve been a little busy with my grandmother and all.”

“Right. How’s she doing?”

“Getting better. My mother’s here for another week, and then she goes home.”

“Hmm. Sounds like another interesting family dynamic.”

“Something like that.”

“Well, you’ve only got a week more to register. Even if you can’t take a full load—I know you’re waiting to hear about some of the grants and scholarships—it will be good to get as many classes as you can. You don’t want to be graduating when you’re thirty.”

Thirty seemed so far away. So much would change in that time—Luis would be twelve, she’d have a career. Maybe she’d even fall in love.

The thought saddened her. She and Raúl had made peace after the conversation at the inn, but there was still an undercurrent of mistrust between them. Maybe there wasn’t a future for them after all.

• • •

“You look tired,
cariño
.” Raúl hugged her after she walked through the door, and she tried not to wince.

Unsuccessfully.

“What’s wrong? Are you injured? Do you need to go to the hospital?” He put his hand on her arm, and she flinched. He examined her arm. “Anywhere else?”

She shook her head.

Taking her hand, he led her to the couch. “
W
hat happened? Do we need to see the police?”

What was the right way to tell him? How could she keep him from doing something stupid? As smart as Raúl was, she doubted he was a match for Eduardo.

Raúl’s tension charged around her.

“You know who Eduardo is?” she asked.

“Your ex. Graciela’s current. Did he do this?”

“He wants Luis.”

“Over my dead body.”

She winced again. “Please don’t say that. Eduardo isn’t going to stop until he gets what he wants. Or decides he doesn’t want it anymore.”

“Do you think Graciela had anything to do with this? You said they knew each other in Los Banos.”

“Graciela told him I was there. I ran into her a while back. She must be encouraging him. But why? She hates Luis.”

“To get at you?” Raúl put his arm around her and pulled her close, without brushing her arm. He kissed the top of her head.

His warmth soothed her and eased the ugliness of the evening.

Why would Graciela want to hurt her so badly? She had won Eduardo, for whatever that was worth. That woman had a powerful hatred bottled up inside her—an anger that must make sense only to Graciela.

The arm around Alicia gave her a brief hug. “I’m going to get rid of her.”

“You can’t do that without a reason. She’ll take you to court.”

“I’ll talk to Hadiya and make it happen. I’m sure there’s something Graciela’s done wrong recently.”

Alicia’s laugh was mirthless.

“
Cariño
, Graciela is rotten, but Eduardo is dangerous. How can I protect you and Luis?”

The fear she’d been holding at bay slipped an icy finger into her gut. What would Eduardo do to get at her and Luis? Was there any way she could stay safe?

“What if you stay with your mother?” he asked.

“In Los Banos? That would be walking right into the flame. Besides, I don’t want to spend that much time with her.”

“Family is important,
cariño.
We may not approve of what they do, but they are ours by blood. Your mother seems like a good person. What has she done that wronged you so badly?”

“We’ve been over this before. She had an affair with a married man.”

He was silent.

“It was wrong!” Why couldn’t he see that? She stood, went to the living room window, and stared at the eucalyptus trees lining the small creek. Too much was going on in her life. She didn’t have time to deal with her feelings about her mother.

“So was the deportation of my family, but I’m trying to work through that.”

“Have you forgiven the feds?” She turned on him. “’Cause that’s what you’re asking me to do.”

“Your mother didn’t do anything to you. Her injury was to Elizabeth, not you.”

She clutched her anger and shame like a starving man clutching day-old bread. “I don’t care.”

He came closer to her, his eyes troubled, no doubt with the same question she was asking herself. How could two people be together if they couldn’t understand the things that drove them?

“I told you I’ve been going to these support meetings for families of deportees.”

“
Sí.
”

“There are a lot of angry and hurt people in the room. We are learning ways to deal with the feelings of abandonment and betrayal. Part of it is understanding how to direct the energy of the anger, how to own our part in things that happen.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. You didn’t have anything to do with your parents being deported.”

“No,
cariño
, but I have done things since I haven’t been proud of. When I was younger, I got into physical fights with kids I knew I could beat. I undermined fellow students if I thought I could get ahead.” The pain in his dark eyes was piercing. “I know you don’t agree with my stance on immigration, but it’s the most constructive way I have to deal with my past.”

“I just think there are two sides to any story, and you need to listen to Joe Wilson’s.”

Her words seemed to hang in the air as she realized the parallel to her own life. Some of the tension left her body. She couldn’t ask him to do anything she wasn’t willing to do herself.

“Got it,” she said.

He nodded. He took her hand and led her back to the couch. “Sometimes I can find all the right words; other times, God leaves me none.”

He took a deep breath and caressed the skin on the back of her hand.

“You are beautiful.” He ran a finger down her cheek and touched her lips. ”But that’s only the beginning. You have a good heart. Sarah said you were the one who fought for a relationship with her. The way you care for Luis is how a mother should care for her child—fierce and determined.”

Where was he going with this? Was this a breakup or the next step in their relationship?

“I want to continue to help with Luis, but maybe you were right. I need to focus on fighting this law. And you … you have other things to deal with.”

Breakup.

Birds arguing in the bush outside her window and the angle of the sun woke Alicia the next morning. She glanced at the clock. Sunrise was a little later than normal. Autumn was edging its way to the coast.

With Luis still asleep, she pulled on a bathrobe and slippers and went to get a cup of coffee. She was trying daycare for Luis for just a little while so she could register for classes, and she was praying it would go well.

Another prayer was sent up to get the funding she needed to make her dream a reality.

“You look happy this morning.” Her mother pulled down a cup and poured the dark liquid into it. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

Her mother’s eyebrows arched, but she didn’t say anything as she sank into a chair.

Alicia relented a bit. “I’m taking Luis to the college daycare today to see how it works out.”

“I hope it goes well,” Serena said. “Your grandmother can’t handle him anymore, and I’ve got to get back to Los Banos and my job.”

And out of my life.

Silence stretched the tension between them.

“Will the daycare be open at night, so you can continue your evening classes? Or will Raúl still take him?” Her mom turned the page of the morning paper. “He seems like a nice man.”

“We’re not seeing each other anymore.”

“Oh?”

“I’ve got too much going on, and …” It was time to put her goal out there. “I’m going to go to school full-time.”

The cup thumped on the table. “How are you going to manage that? What about your job?”

Alicia drank her coffee. Deliberately. Slowly. Then she sat down next to her mother.

“There’s a woman at school, Dr. Susan, and she teaches sociology. She’s helping me. She thinks I can do a four-year college and make the world a better place for kids like Luis. She believes in me.”

The implied “and you don’t” hung in the air.

The momentary hurt in her mother’s eyes shamed her. Why did she have to be so cruel?

“How are you going to pay for it? And what about Elizabeth? She gave you that job when you needed it.”

“I’ve applied for scholarships and grants. Dr. Susan thinks I’ll get one.”

“And Elizabeth?”

“We talked about it before I made my decision. I didn’t want to hurt her more than our family has done already.”

Her mother looked away.

She’d scored a direct hit, but it wasn’t as satisfying as she thought it would be.

“She’s going to sell the business anyway, because she wants to spend more time with Marcos. So, you see, everything is all taken care of.” She stood and placed her coffee cup on the counter. Time to get Luis moving.

“Alicia.” The command in her mother’s voice stopped her, just as it had when she was a little girl. “Sit down, please.”

She retrieved her cup of coffee and returned to the table, her knuckles white where she clutched the ceramic mug.

Her mother leaned back in her chair, as if taking care not to get too close to Alicia’s venom. “Your grandmother’s illness has forced me to look at reality more closely. She’s not going to be here forever. She won’t leave this house, so there’s no getting her back to Los Banos with me. As long as you’re here and Luis has daycare of some kind, I think things will be okay.”

“Of course.”

“But I’ve seen how Raúl looks at you, and you him. I don’t think your breakup will last forever.”

“It’s over. Really. We don’t want the same things.”

“Don’t lie to me—or yourself. Especially not to yourself. Differences of opinion can be overcome.” Her mother’s voice grew reflective. “I hid the truth from myself for a long time, and it caused a lot of pain for me ... as well as other people. And now”—her gaze met Alicia’s—“it’s causing a huge rift between me and the daughter I love more than life itself.” She gripped Alicia’s hand. “What do I have to do so you will forgive me—forgive me for loving your father more than I should have and bringing you into the world?”

The choking words tightened Alicia’s own throat with agony. She forced herself to look at her mother’s tear-stained face. “What you did was wrong.”

Her mother’s shoulders stiffened as the words pummeled her, but her gaze never left Alicia’s. “I’m not asking for your judgment but for your mercy. None of us is perfect.”

“If you had to do it over again, would you?”

“I can’t answer that. I don’t want to answer that.”

Alicia heard Luis stir in the other room and started to get up.

Abuela
looked into the kitchen. “I’ll take care of him.”

Alicia started to protest, but her grandmother’s glare made her stop her words.

No escape.

“What made you so hard, Alicia? Your father doted on you. I always supported you, even when you got pregnant. Your grandmother has worked hard to help you with childcare. When are you going to descend from your throne and join the rest of us doing the best we can?”

The expression on her mother’s face took her aback. The softened features begging forgiveness had jelled into a mask of resilience.

This opportunity wouldn’t last. If she didn’t bridge the gap right now, she may never have the chance again. She would lose so much. So would Luis. How could she deny her son a grandmother?

Looking deeply into her heart, she searched for the crack in the brittle ice around her feelings for her mother. Her parents had loved each other so much they were willing to risk the condemnation of the church for their mortal sin, painfully dangerous for someone as religious as her mother.

When she’d asked Elizabeth how she’d found forgiveness, Elizabeth had said, “I can’t undo what’s done. If I clutch the anger, I only become a victim. Better to count my blessings, like you and Sarah.”

She’d called her boss a saint, and Elizabeth had laughed. “Just realistic,” she’d corrected.

Her mother was still waiting for her answer.

Alicia touched her hand, a gesture she’d often used as a small girl to get her mother’s attention.

Her mother turned her hand palm up, and Alicia slid her hand into her grasp.

“I want ...” she began, finding it difficult to speak past the lump in her throat. “I want to forgive you ... to be able to ...” Tears began to flow as she realized what she really wanted—something that could never be again.

She desperately wanted to be a little girl again, safe in the small world of her family.

“I know,” Serena said, standing and pulling Alicia up with her. “I wish that things had been different, that I’d been a stronger woman.” She cradled Alicia’s head in her hands. “But then I wouldn’t have you. And you are the most precious person in the world to me.”

“Mom, I’m so sorry. I love you.” Alicia let her mother gather her in her arms as she cried out all the pain and hardness in her heart.