Cadence (Ruby Riot Book 1) (22 page)

Then there's the other possibility. What if Tegan doesn't come back? How long do I wait for her? Is she saying this is over?

Chapter Twenty-Eight

JAX

Evidently, when Tegan makes a decision, she doesn't hang around because she's catching an evening flight back to England. An hour after our argument, Tegan called me and told me her plans. I didn’t think she’d actually go, but I half-understand why she is. This conversation was calmer and, when we met to say goodbye, I apologised. Tegan did too, and I told her she was teaching me ‘how to adult’. Tegan laughed, and said I had a long way to go yet. Yeah, so does she.

Even though I repeatedly told Tegan how much I would miss her; held and kissed her until I was sure she understood, some of the distance between us remained. Thanks to my idiot comments earlier in the day, the affection in her eyes has retreated.

Watching Tegan walk away flipped my stomach. My obsession with her leads to a fear I’ve never had around a girl before: will Tegan come back?

I headed to the sound check, dizzied by the events of the day, worrying whether my apology was enough. The distraction led to stupid mistakes as we rehearsed. After half an hour, a pissed off Ruby pulled me to one side and asked what the hell is wrong with me. I mumbled the story to her so the twins couldn’t hear, and she shoved me, informing me I should go to the airport and catch Tegan before she leaves.

I'm torn. The band has sound issues, which are taking us longer than usual to fix; I can't go on stage tonight unless I’m sure everything is fixed. Nothing comes before my music. In a blinding jolt to the head, the truth hits. Tegan’s up there as equal first right now. How? There’s no logic, something unexplainable about this girl consumes me. The decision is made - I can’t let Tegan leave thinking shit about me.

****

Tegan waits for her flight in the VIP lounge at Vienna airport. When I arrive, I glance around the lounge at the elderly businessman reading a large newspaper, and a well-dressed couple eating the complimentary sandwiches. Nobody who'd be interested in the rock star and his girlfriend.

I hesitate in the doorway for a few minutes, the airport announcements echoing around as I watch her. Unsurprisingly, she's on her laptop. Tegan’s long brown hair is pulled into a ponytail exposing her long neck, full lips pursed as she focuses, and I catch my breath. This beautiful girl stands out from everybody around her and fills my world. What the hell am I thinking? Nobody else could take her place.

When I sit on the upholstered seat next to Tegan, she looks up. “Jax?”

“Sure is.” I curl my fingers around her hand. “Had to say goodbye.”

Tegan's surprise turns to the smile I ached for when I said goodbye earlier. She squeezes my fingers. “You already said goodbye at the hotel. I didn’t expect you to come down here. I thought you were rehearsing?”

“Yeah, but I wanted one last kiss before you left and to let you know how important you are. I need you to know I’ll wait for you.”

She sighs. “You're a strange guy. Frustrating the hell out of me with your idiot comments one minute, and hitting me with romance the next.”

I hook a finger through the leather necklace around Tegan’s neck and pull the jade pendant from beneath her t-shirt. “What can I say? You bring out the worst and best in me.”

“Jax, do you understand why I need a break from all this?”

“Yes and no. I'm confused.” I drop the necklace and run my fingers along her soft cheek. “Do you mean a break from us or a break from the tour?”

“The tour. I'm coming back, probably after the weekend. I need to get my head together.”

“Good.”

She fights a smile. “Besides, I fought hard enough with Bryn to stay on tour. He was right about how crazy all this is, but he doesn't get rid of me that easily!”

How could I expect any less from her? “So, four days?”

“Yeah, hardly any time.”

I stick my bottom lip out. “Too long.”

“Well, hopefully you can keep everything in your pants for that long!”

I know Tegan better than she thinks; her nonchalance is surface only, and I’m not surprised after what I said this morning. I take her chin between my thumb and fingers and twist her face to look at me. “Stop that. I told you, it was a dickhead comment. I was shocked by your behaviour and wasn't thinking. I won’t touch another girl.”

The doubt in her eyes pains me. “I hope that's true, Jax. Don’t humiliate me.”

“This is my first go at a real relationship, remember? Help me not fuck things up.”

Tegan pulls her face away. “That's up to you.”

“I know. I won’t.”

“Do you think the press will leave me alone if I'm not with you?” she asks.

“Dunno. Maybe. They'll probably think we've split or something.”

“Riley would love that.”

“I'm sure she would. But Riley wants me to do a lot of things I won't.”

“You, awkward bastard,” she says and digs me in the ribs.

“Oh yeah, totally love myself. Egotistical, bloody rock star.”

“You think you're joking?”

I grin. “Mostly.”

Tegan places the bag on the floor and snuggles into me. Her warm curves relaxes against my chest, and I stroke her hair. Tegan in my arms soothes me, holds my feet on the ground. With Tegan, I remember what it's like to be part of the real world, the one I was sure I wanted to leave behind.

A flight announcement carries across the room and Tegan glances up at the monitor above my head. “I have to go in a few minutes.”

The same stomach flipping sensation as earlier hits as Tegan pulls her rucksack onto her lap and tucks away the laptop.

“Call me, text me, Skype me, everything, every day. Don't forget about me because I'm not there,” I tell her.

“I should be asking you that.”

“Morning and night, okay?”

“Okay.” She leans across and presses her mouth on mine.

I hold Tegan’s head gently not wanting her to take her lips away again and wrap Tegan tighter in my arms. “I’m gonna miss you. You’d better come back.”

“I think I’ll miss you too much to stay away.”

“You're amazing,” I whisper into her hair. “Goddamn feisty, sexy chick who I can’t keep away from.”

She shifts her head and nips my earlobe. “Yes, so don't mess with me, Jaxon Lewis.”

“Shit, no way. No idea who scares me the most, you or your brother...”

Giggling, Tegan rubs her nose against my neck and kisses. “You’re pretty damn awesome yourself.”

This is the point I could tell Tegan I'm falling for her, and hard. I've held the words in check because this is too soon. Intense. Scary. I'm a stupid bastard because this could be what Tegan needs to hear and I can’t tell her.

Why? Because if the admission is a world away from how she feels, Tegan might walk away for good.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

TEGAN

Two days in Wales and my rash decision to leave the tour hits home. Returning to Phoebe's place in London wasn't the best option, considering how easily I'd be tracked down, so I returned to Mum and Dad’s. The converted farmhouse in the Pembrokeshire countryside, which Bryn bought them, is big and gated. Not big security gates but fences tall and secure enough to stop the dogs running out. The three Labradors my mum dotes on enjoy standing at the gates; the chances of anybody sneaking through are slim. I wouldn't want to come face to face with barking dogs and neither would the press.

So, yeah, I'm stuck at home for the first couple of days, which isn’t a whole lot different to being trapped in a hotel.

Social media speculation hit the evening after I left Vienna. A picture of me arriving at Heathrow on my own soon appears online, next to pictures of Jax out partying with Will and Nate. When I study the shots, I’m annoyed by the misrepresentation – these were clearly taken in the club in Portugal. Two days later, images of a different place and different girls surface, and I intently study the pictures gauging the girls’ proximity to Jax. How can I tell if these are recent? If they are, the press doesn't have the picture they want. Jax isn't touching any of the girls.

A Skype session with Jax is my ritual each night, I wait up until I hear from him. The time difference helps and he normally calls when he's offstage - before he starts drinking, I suspect. After this, I can head to bed happy he's thinking of me and hoping thoughts of us stay with him when he goes out.

The amount I miss Jax surprises me. I’m used to being around him, spent more time alone with him than with any guy in the past; and since we parted, there’s a space left I never realised he filled. Not just my empty bed where I lie and crave his arms around me, but his presence. Without Jax, there’s a piece of myself missing I left with him, a hollow feeling that grows as the days pass. I never missed Scott in this way, even after we spent weeks apart.

Staying inside and dwelling on this doesn’t help. I escape and drive into town. I wish he was with me and we could do ordinary things together. Would life ever contain anything ordinary with Jax?

Mum was relieved when I arrived home, but she always is. I'm her baby, the child she frets about most. Unfortunately, I'm also the one who endangers herself most. Even before my sisters settled down with kids and husbands, none of them was as adventurous as me. I see their domesticity and it doesn't appeal. At all.

As predicted by Tina, and to my surprise, the press do back off. The social media barrage doesn't and somebody leaks - or is paid for - pictures of me. The unflattering shots from school days are bad enough, but one bastard who I met in Thailand when travelling, sells pictures of me. The worst of those is one of me on a beach in a bikini, suffering a wardrobe malfunction after being caught in the waves.

Yes, the whole world has now seen my tits.

When the bikini picture hit the internet, Mum lost her shit and there were heated exchanges with Bryn on the phone. I have no idea what she expected him to do; once a picture is on the internet, it's there for life. I'm fucking furious; and if I had a way of getting hold of Ryan, I’d have him by the balls.

End result: I'm not much better off in Wales because I’m still under self-imposed siege but without Jax.

Chapter Thirty

AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS

JAX

Last time I came to Amsterdam with the boys it was a disaster. Or one of the best weekends of my life, however you want to look at the resulting chaos. Chances of a repeat performance? Highly likely.

We sit outside, in the secluded grounds of the Amsterdam hotel, indulging in the first of what will undoubtedly be many drinks, beneath an umbrella in the March spring sunshine. I tap my fingers on the table as Will and Nate devour their chips and mayonnaise. Yeah, mayonnaise. Who the hell puts mayo on their chips?

I yawn and pick up my beer. Now the excitement has subsided and we're back to the everyday grind; all this is no different from small tours in the UK. Sure, the transport and accommodation is a lot more luxurious, the venues and money better, but gigging is hard work. Arrive somewhere new, set up, play, relax for an evening or two – or get wasted – and move on.

Will licks mayo from his lips. “How you feeling about this evening? TV spot!”

I grimace. “We're only performing, right? No interview.”

“Dunno. Nate?”

Nate shrugs and pokes at his food. “Dutch talk show. Reckon they'll speak English?”

“I don't know any fucking Dutch so they better had!” retorts Will.

“Grumpy bastards,” replies Nate. “This is our first time on TV. This is huge!”

“It's not the States or UK, doesn't count,” I reply.

Will laughs. “Oooh, listen to you, Mr. Big Shot! A year ago nobody knew who the hell you were.”

“Yeah, now it fucks things up because they do.”

Will glances at Nate. “Is this sulking because the delectable Tegan fucked off back to Wales?”

“No,” I lie. “Just other shit. Tour stuff.”

“Is Tegan coming back or are you guys done?” asks Will.

Three days apart and the ache in my chest from her absence grows. “Next week.”

“Then back on the leash? Good thing she's away now we’re in Amsterdam!” he replies.

I tense at Will's words. “Makes no difference, she'd be cool with me going out.”

Will and Nate glance at each other and smirk. “Sure she would.”

****

Ruby Riot blend into Amsterdam, the city more chilled about famous visitors than previous tour stops. Blue Phoenix are absent from our night. I asked Liam if he wanted to come out with us, but he declined. No way would I ask Bryn. Dylan is back in the UK for a night and Jem… well, I doubt he wants to be around the Amsterdam scene. Ruby stays with him, as usual.

We attract some attention and pick up extra companions but, by selecting the more exclusive places, we avoid too much hassle from fans early on. It’s still the afternoon; things could always change.

Several beers later, and following an indulgence in what the Amsterdam style 'coffee shop' offer, I drag my phone out and squint at the screen. I should call Tegan; I might not find a chance later. I can't Skype later tonight. I know what she thinks about drugs and speaking to her stoned won't be a good move. A large group sits around me and the twins, laughing and joking in the smoky cafe. The sickly smell of weed permeates the room and subdues the atmosphere.

“Hey, Tegan!” I enthuse when she answers.

“Jax? Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“You sound drunk.” She pauses. “Or something.”

“Oh.” I temper my exuberance. “Guess where I am?”

“Amsterdam.”

“I'm gonna be on TV!”

A sigh comes as a response. “Yes, you told me yesterday.”

“How cool is that? You gonna watch?”

“I won't be able to see the show, I'm in England.”

“Ah. Yeah. But someone will share online, right.”

“Mmm.”

Tegan's voice is faint amongst the hubbub around and I move closer to Will and Nate who've lapsed into silence. “I saw the pictures of you. You all right?” I ask her.

“Which ones? Recent?”

I giggle. “Tegan Hughes needing retail therapy to recover from her break-up with hot property Jax Lewis. You were walking down a street with a lot of shopping bags.”

“Oh. That. Yeah, testing the water by going into the city. I can't believe the press is still following me.”

“You looked pissed off in the photos. Missing me?”

Tegan gives a short laugh. “You mean my resting bitch face? You should recognise that by now.”

I huff. “You're not missing me?”

“Are you missing me?”

“Yeah.”

“That was moving and heartfelt, thank you,” she replies, voice loaded with sarcasm.

“Sorry, you're right, I'm drunk. I miss your sweet lips, your cute ass, your tight, hot...”

“Jaxon!”

A loud snort of laughter comes from Will, who has his chin on my shoulder, eavesdropping. “Please! You're damaging my delicate ears!”

I shove him with my elbow.

“Will you be around later?” she asks.

“Busy night. I’ll call tomorrow morning.” Unlikely. “Uh. Maybe the afternoon.”

Tegan's quiet for a few moments. “Jax. Don't let me down.”

“I won't, I promise. You know me. I'll end up asleep in a corner somewhere.”

“It's what he's done the last few times!” calls Will. “We'll look after him, Tegan!”

“Yeah, that's what I’m worried about,” she mutters. “Talk to you tomorrow.”

“Night.”

There's a long pause. “I miss you. Can't wait to see you in Oslo.”

“With your resting bitch face?”

She giggles. “Yeah, especially for you. Night, rock star. I miss you.”

“Night. Miss you.” I wait for Tegan to reply, but she ends the call.

Huh. I shove the phone into my pocket and pick up my beer. Will stares at me. “What?” I ask.

“Don't you tell her you love her?” he asks.

“
What
?”

“Tegan. Chicks expect that.”

“She's cool. I doubt she expects anything like that.”

“You don't love her?” He clutches his chest. “Man, I thought this was a beautiful thing between you.”

I swill the beer around my glass before draining it. Will continues to look expectant, amusement curling his lips. “Excuse me?” I ask. “Since when did we talk about feelings and shit?”

He shrugs. “Just thought you must 'cause she changed you.”

“She hasn't,” I snap.

Will laughs and makes a whip sound and action.

“I am not pussy whipped! Fuck off!”

“Prove it.”

“How? I'm not screwing other chicks.” I grasp for a reason. “I told her I wouldn't, and if Bryn got a sniff of me even touching another girl...”

“You don't have to do that, just stop moping and live! We're in fucking Amsterdam, man. And stop checking in with her all the time. Me and Nate, we're gonna check out the places from a couple of years ago. Now
that
was a great weekend!”

“I intend to. Come on.” I stand, pissed off at his goading. After talking to Tegan, I need something to fill the gap left by her absence. Plus, yeah, I'm in fucking Amsterdam.

****

A tall building on the outskirts of the city houses the TV studio. The twins and me grab a taxi and arrive at the allotted time; I'm impressed we manage because the world’s become increasingly hazy. Once inside, I squint at the bright orange and yellow walls as the stage manager leads us to the dressing room. Will and Nate stumble along next to me, whispering.

The chick opens a door to a brightly lit room with chairs and mirrors, and disappears. Unsure what else to do, I sit on one of the four high-backed leather chairs.

In the mirror, a dishevelled guy with huge pupils looks back and I point. “Fuck! Look at me!”

Will practically sticks his nose on the mirror, and casts a glance at the counter covered in bottles and tubes. “They gonna put make-up on us?”

Nate giggles. Full on giggles like a girl, and pushes through the carefully sorted box of cosmetics. He pulls out a pencil.

“Will! You would look fucking awesome in guy-liner.” He splutters out another laugh.

Will snatches the pencil off him, removes the lid, and studies the tip. “Reckon?”

“Yeah, come here.”

I sink down in the seat and watch Nate's clumsy attempt to draw around Will's eyes. “Fuck! Don't poke my eye out, dude.” Will snatches the pencil.

“I've only done one!”

“I'll do you.” Will holds Nate's head and a few moments later, he has an uneven streak of black beneath his eyes to match.

A young woman with brown, curly hair and a hassled look walks into the room and her mouth drops as she looks at us. “You started without me?” she asks in a local accent.

“Sorry, sweetheart,” smiles Will.

“Reckon you can cope with three of us?” asks Nate flicking her a suggestive smile.

The chick throws him back a look that suggests she's dealt with stars like him before. “More than capable,” she retorts.

I watch in the mirror as she crosses the room and gathers sponges and a container of brown cream. Seriously, she's going to put make up on my face? I'm only playing on the show for five minutes, no interview. I hope.

The sounds in the room fade as I disappear into thoughts of Tegan, while my band mates continue their private jokes. Another woman appears, older, with the demeanour of a nanny and she soon shuts up Will and Nate. At least until one of them escapes from the chair and heads to the Green Room.

Ten minutes later, feeling as if somebody's covered my face in a layer of mud, I stumble out of the door into the hallway. The discordant noise around confuses me, the drugged feeling growing. I should've stuck with beers, at least until the show is over.

The Green Room contains three talk-show guests and the band. Including Ruby. She takes one look at me before heading over, grabbing my arm, and pulling me into a corner.

“Don't tell me you're fucking high too!” she hisses.

I blink. “What? No.”

“Bullshit. Have you seen the state of those two?”

Will and Nate lounge on a plush sofa in the corner of a room with two blonde-haired, orange-faced chicks with huge tits. A mutual appreciation society has been formed; I recognise the looks between the brothers.

“They're always like that,” I reply.

“You're lucky Jem isn't here,” she growls.

“It's all good, Rube.”

“You fuck this up and...” She waves her hands in exasperation. “I can't believe you got stoned!”

Another guest, a middle-aged actress I recognise from minor Hollywood films, looks up in surprise. Ruby lowers her voice. “What the hell is wrong with you, Jax?”

“All right, I’m stoned.”

“No, the fucking drinking! I know you like partying but you’re hardly sober these days and when you do drink, you don’t know when to stop!”

“Yeah, I know, it’s all good.”

“No. It isn’t.” I focus on Ruby’s face, expecting a sour look, but concern frames her features. “I’m worried.”

“I’m a rock star,” I say and hiccup. Ruby’s face expression shifts to dismay and an idea floats across my dulled mind. “I’m not like
him
. I’m not taking drugs.”

“Umm. You clearly are.”

“No, like real drugs.” I wave my hand dismissively.

“Fuck, Jax,” she mutters. “Just think about what you’re doing.”

I’m about to make a comment about her fucking her life up getting pregnant and how she has no right to lecture me about my choices, but I swallow down the words. “Yeah. ‘Kay.”

“Sit down and sober up. We have half an hour.”

“Is there anything for us to eat?” I ask and scout the room. “Oh. Nice. Beers.”

“Don't you dare! I don't care what you do later, but I don't want the band playing like shit on live TV!”

Ruby's right. I help myself to the sandwiches on a table nearby, and slump back in my seat. When I'm with Will and Nate, my self-control takes a backseat in the interest of maximum fun. Since Tegan isn't around, and pissed off she isn’t, I launch myself too hard into the evening. Telling myself I'll be fine on TV would've worked if I'd stuck to beer, but we didn't.

Will heads over to Ruby and wraps an arm around her shoulders. “We're good. I could play ‘My Kinda Disaster’ in my sleep; we've performed it that much in the last few months.”

“I bloody hope so!” She shrugs his arm away.

The door opens and Riley walks in, face thunderous.

“Hey, it's Smiley Riley,” I call. “She's come to see her favourite boys!”

“Can I talk to the three of you?” she barks. “Out here.”

Nate drops the hand he has on the blonde chick’s leg and their eyes meet briefly, before Riley glances away.