By My Side (21 page)

             
“Not tonight.”

             
He parked at the curb, and we entered in the house. Mr. and Mrs. Green were on the Internet. It's funny to witness their little fights. Granny was on the couch, reading a book of which I couldn't make out the title. She closed her book when I said hello. Sometimes I could be polite, but just sometimes.

             
“Oh, Lily, I need to talk to you just a minute.”

             
Okay, strange because she seemed really serious. I knew she was leaving tomorrow, and I was sad, but if she wanted to speak about my mother, the night would suck for me.

             
“Give Andy the DVD. He loves this movie,” I said to Gabe. He hesitated to stay by my side, but a look from Granny convinced him to head upstairs.

              “It won't take long, Lily.”

             
“No, it's okay.”

             
This woman was impressive. I sat down next to her and focused on her gray eyes. I didn't know how old she was, but even if she was dynamic she was old. I could see it in the fading light in her eyes.

             
“The boys seem to understand each other.”

             
“Maybe, it's too soon to say.” I was glad about the subject. I knew she always was anxious about their fights, more than Mr. and Mrs. Green.

             
“Maybe.” She laughed. “You're the one who brought them together.”

             
“For now.”

             
“You're as pessimistic as you always were.”

             
“Granny, they are beginning to understand each other, but at some point they won't need me for that.”

              “You're smart and also blind. Their feelings for you, different feelings, but strong feelings nevertheless, will always help.”

             
I was taken aback. I always saw this woman like a forerunner, but never like a romantic. I must say, I was a little disappointed.

             
“We're not in a romance novel.”

              She sighed. She couldn't possibly be surprised about me. She put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it softly.

             
“I just want to be sure there's someone here to try to stick them together and make them finally be real brothers. Their parents don't seem to realize how they despise each other.”

             
It was too much to ask me when I was barely holding together the pieces of my own life, but I couldn't say no to this woman I considered to be my own grandmother.

             
“I'll try.”

She smiled and hugged me tightly. “You're an incredible young woman, Lily. I know it's hard for you, but you're strong.”

              “Thanks for the young woman.”

             
We laughed, and I kissed her tender cheek. It was an impulsive gesture, I wasn't used to people. I stood up and went to Andy's bedroom where the brothers were waiting for me. I stopped dead when I saw them sitting on the floor. Talking. They were talking without me there to encourage it. Andy even chuckled.

             
“Wow.”

             
They turned their heads toward me and smiled. Andy's smile was more like showing his white teeth while Gabe's one was all in curvy lips and dimples, but for both it emphasized their eyes.

             
“What?” Gabe asked me, arching an eyebrow. I could kill to know how to do that.

              “Talking and laughing like real brothers.” They looked at each other up and down.

             
“No,” they said simultaneously. Now, we're all laughing but I quieted first. I was really laughing, not just smiling. It was the kind of laugh that gave you tears and made your cheeks painful. Just a week after her death. What kind of daughter was I?

             
“Hey, what are you thinking about?” Andy asked me, his laughter no longer there, like Gabe, who put a hand on my small back after I sat down between them.

             
“Nothing. Are we ready for the movie night?”

             
They didn't buy my fake cheerful tone, but they didn't comment on it either. Andy pressed the play button, and I focused on the screen.

             
“You felt bad for laughing, didn't you?” Gabe asked, his attention focused on my face like it was a particularly difficult puzzle. I knew he wouldn't let it pass. Sometimes, it was like he was in my head, and it was really disturbing.

              “I don't want to talk about it.”

             
In order to diminish my cold voice, I took his hand and kissed all his fingers softly. It was summer; we were alone at the lake, and it was pitch dark. Hot. With force, he brought my mouth to his, a hand on my neck and the other on my small back. His teeth played with my lower lips before his tongue found mine. I moaned a little, but it seemed loud in the quiet car. Our breathing increased. Our moves became more frantic. My hands up under his T-shirt were moving impatiently on his smooth hot skin. His muscles tensed. I stripped him of his shirt. It was the first time I undressed a guy. His sun-kissed skin was beautiful in the moonlight. I kissed his neck, his shoulders, and his chest; my hands discovering his hard stomach. He was breathing loudly. My mouth and tongue near his navel, he groaned and pushed me up to kiss my mouth with even more passion than before. His hands fidgeted with the hem of my tank top. He wanted to undress me too, but hesitated. Why? It felt so good. I guided him just a little, but my move made a different effect than what I thought it would do. Gabe pushed me away on my seat and placed his hands on the steering wheel. Our breathing was still loud and fast, but I knew it was over. Did I do something wrong? Was it too fast?

              “It's late.” His husky voice didn't help me to cool down.

              “Few minutes ago you didn't care,” I said a little hurt.

             
“We can't do this here, Lily.” His voice was steadier.

             
“Many people do it here,” I countered for the principle, even if now I was beginning to think that maybe he was right. I kept my eyes focused on my bare knees where I could still feel the heat of his skin.

             
“Yeah, but not us. You deserve better for your first time.”

             
So it was that. My virginity scared him. Maybe he's afraid I'll be at his feet afterward, like a groupie. I didn't think so, even if I knew things changed with sex. I felt a little rejected, and hated this feeling.

             
“When then? During the day when my father is at work?”

My heartbeat was fast. I was planning to lose my virginity. Planning it wasn't very fun, but Gabe seemed to need it. He appeared to be more anxious than me. Was it normal for a guy like him?

             
“No, no, no. It's far too soon,” Gabe said with a frown that made me cold. He was rejecting me. He didn't want me, or not enough to make love with me.

             
“Is my virginity a problem?” My tiny voice shook. I fidgeted with my long, messy hair. He sighed.

             
“Yes and no. I'm glad like you can't even imagine that you didn't experience it with another guy, but it's even more important. In two weeks, I'll be in New York, and I don't want you to regret it. You need a real relationship.”

              “But you want me nevertheless.”

             
“Of course! It's killing me.”

             
That soothed me. First, because after a second thought, I felt bad. Yeah, it would be even more difficult to say goodbye, but he's the one I placed all my confidence in. I just loved him. A weak smile appeared on my face. Smiling was still difficult for me, but around Gabe, things seemed easier.

              “You're right about the place for my first time, but I really want to make love with you.”

             
His breath caught in his throat. Good. I saw many things on his face. Hope, desire, passion, fear, and something even deeper. Love? Maybe or I was just projecting my own feelings.

             
“I'm not sure it's a good idea with everything that's going on.” Like my mom's death. If he thought it's just to distract myself, he's crazy.

             
“The truth, Gabe, is that I’ve wanted to do it since our first kiss. I never wanted someone before, not like that. It's strong and overwhelming, so let me make the decision.” Gabe put his forehead against mine. Even this close he's beautiful. Maybe I should use a manlier adjective to describe him.

              “It'll be so hard to leave after.”

             
“Yeah, I know, but I want you to be my first. After all, you are the first one I punched, the first one I insulted, the first one to know about my mom, and the first one I wanted to do it with. It's logical.”

             
He laughed, and the car came back to life. “You ruined an even better moment.” He laughed again and turned on the radio and a song of Guns n' Roses was playing.

             
“It's a gift.”

Chapter Eleven

            
 
The next morning I was with my father in the kitchen eating breakfast. I fidgeted on my chair, thinking again about the big talk I had with Gabe. What if my father somehow knew what I planned to do? Our relationship was getting better, but I couldn't hear any warnings or forbidding from him. It's too late for this part of his fatherly role. Any advice, I could take it or not. I wasn't the kind of girl who took advice from her family, or friends either, for that matter.  I missed my mother even more. Not the talking with her about it part, but just because it's something a daughter can feel connected to with her mother, or so I thought.

             
Well, I think I was a little nervous, but it's because I wasn't in the RIGHT mood. As soon as I see Gabe, I'll be ready and all this crap of nervousness and nostalgia will disappear, or I hope so.

             
“You're not talking this morning,” my father said while finishing his second doughnut. I drank my coffee to win some time. I didn't want him to see I was anxious or he'd suspect something about Gabe.

             
“I didn't sleep well.”