Broken Gates (2 page)

“P.J., stop,” I heard Jenna say, but her command had little effect on me. “She’s going to hurt herself,” she then said to Khol.

“She’ll be fine,” Khol stated calmly.

“She’s making you bleed,” Jenna argued.

“I will heal.”

“I hate you!” I seethed, directing all of my anger from everything at Khol. I just kept scratching and tearing at him until I lost all sense of everything and eventually collapsed in his arms. I vaguely remember him carrying my limp body over to my bed and depositing me there before I lost the battle of consciousness to my exhaustion.

2

I had no home. I belonged nowhere. I was a single leaf, separated from my tree of life and set adrift into a sea of nothingness. By walking away from me, Bryn had painted my world the deepest black. There was no point in going on anymore. I wouldn’t take my own life; I had only tried that once in order to spare Bryn a life of torment, but I could simply stop living . . . cease to exist. Maybe if I just laid here long enough I would simply disappear into the nothingness that I felt had already swallowed me.

“Peej.” The heartbreakingly familiar voice rasped just as the bed angled down from the weight applied to it. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself.” A large warm hand attempted to run through my ratty, tangled hair. It’d been days since I’d washed it, let alone brushed it.
So good luck with that
 . . .
asshole
.

A flash pan of rage quickly flared through my system. How dare he break my heart into a million pieces and then seek to comfort me! He told me he would always love me . . . always fight for me . . . lies . . . all lies. “Don’t touch me!” I croaked, even as my body craved nothing but more of his touches. “You don’t get to comfort me when I’m this way because of you.”

“Peej,” Bryn whispered, as if it pained him to say my name. “It’s what’s best for you. We were kidding ourselves before to think we could truly be together.”

I sat up and whirled around to face him, my dragon fire magic rousing just under the surface, luckily I was too weak to actually access it. “And who said you get to decide what’s best for me? You don’t get—” My anger fizzled out as I took in his dejected face and slumped shoulders. “I love you, Bryn. How can I live without you?” I said as I reached out to touch him. He snagged my fingers with his large hand and met my gaze. His eyes seemed to be a much darker blue than normal, as if the light from the room couldn’t be reflected in them, as if he had lost a little bit of his life essence somehow.

“You won’t have to live without me, Peej.” His eyes moved over me and came to rest somewhere over my right shoulder. “I’m still your best friend. And that’s never going to change.”

A weird strangled noise escaped from the back of my throat that I seemingly had no control over. “
Best friends
? Can you actually look at me now and tell me that you truly believe there was ever a time when that’s all we were?” Of course, he technically wasn’t, in fact looking at me at the moment.
Coward.

Bryn remained silent as the seconds ticked by, probably trying to think of something good to say in response to my question. But what could he say? No matter what words he used to try and sooth me, to try and make things easier on me, we both would know they would be a lie. “You almost died . . . again.” He muttered as he turned his whole body away from me. “And I didn’t have the power to save you.”

“You’re the one who’s killing me now!” I exclaimed with anguish as I crumpled back down on the bed, darkness pushing around the edges of my vision. My breath caught in my throat the moment Bryn loomed over me and cupped the side of my face in his warm palm. I studied the familiar face of the man who I’d come to think of as home . . . a home that I had currently been dislodged from. His black eyebrows were furrowed as if in pain, and they stood out in stark contrast against his pale smooth skin. The planes of his face seemed harsher than I remembered them, as if some hardship had eroded away what was left of the carefree Bryn I used to know. He had changed so much over the last year . . .
We
had changed so much over the last year . . . and yet one thing had remained constant for me. “I won’t let you walk away from me,” I whispered, thinking of a time, which now seemed like an eternity ago, when I had determinedly decided that I would make him fight for me whether he wanted to or not.

“You can’t stop me,” he said, even as his thumb circled my cheek tenderly.

I focused on his full supple lips as I pursed mine, noticing his eyes follow the movement. With an abruptness that he hadn’t been prepared for, as evidenced by the grunt that escaped him, I wound my fingers around the back of his neck and pulled him down to me. I arched my head up so that I could slant my lips over his as I aggressively slipped my tongue into his mouth. He only resisted me for a moment before I felt the stiffness in his body melt away and make room for another kind of tension between us. His hands slid down to explore my body in the heated way a lover does who knows exactly what his partner enjoys. I sucked on his tongue and drank down the flavor of him with a desperation I’d never felt before. Back when we had just crossed the line in our relationship, I wouldn’t have really known what I was missing if he had walked away, but now . . . now I would mourn the loss of his touch with every breath I took for the rest of my life. I couldn’t bear the thought.

“Don’t leave me, Bryn,” I choked out on a moan as I slid my hands under his shirt to slide over the smooth expanse of his muscled chest.

“I have to . . .” Bryn started to say as I plunged my tongue into his mouth again. I would kiss him until he had no rational thought left and he could no longer resist giving me what I wanted.

I somehow managed to maneuver Bryn onto his back so that I sat on top of him with my thighs astride his. I dipped down to continue kissing him as I worked on getting the both of us out of our clothes. He wrapped his hands around my waist, both trying to stop me from grinding against him and to press me harder into him at the same time.

It was then that my stomach decided to do a weird little flip flop and I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. I lurched sideways so that I would miss Bryn, and proceeded to revisit the very little bit of food that I had eaten that day. When I finished, I rolled off him and groaned in utter mortification. Talk about a mood killer. It was just as well that Bryn was planning on leaving me because I doubted now if I could ever look him in the face again. I rolled onto my side facing away from him and silently pleaded for any deity that might be listening to open up the floor so it could swallow me whole.

Bryn stroked one of hands down my back in a soothing motion. “You okay?” His voice was still gruffer than normal, which made my stomach do another little flip flop but for a completely different reason this time. I guess throwing up didn’t necessarily kill
my
mood anyways.

“Fine,” I said in a clipped tone, not really sure how to react to Bryn in that moment.

“Hey,” I heard Jeremy’s familiar voice call through the slightly ajar door. “I was just coming to get you guys for a meeting. Khol wants to catch P.J. up on everything she’s missed . . .” His voice trailed off, probably because he was taking in the scene of Bryn’s and my half-undressed state and the evidence of my upset stomach. “But I guess I could tell him you guys are busy right now.”

“No,” Bryn said, the bed moving as he got up and out of it. “Just give us a few minutes.” I remained silenced by my complete and utter humiliation.

“Yeah, okay,” Jeremy replied with uncertainty.

Silence enveloped the room after I heard the retreating footsteps of Jeremy. For a few moments I actually wondered if Bryn had gone too and I just hadn’t heard him. “Do you need anything?” His voice cut through the silence and let me know that he hadn’t left after all.

You
, my mind supplied without thinking, but I kept that thought to myself. “No,” I whispered.

“It’s for the best, you know?” I fought the urge to stick my fingers in my ears to keep from hearing what else he had to say to me. Mature, I know. “We need to both try and move on.”

The pain of his words sliced into my heart like an arrow hitting its mark, but from that pain stemmed fresh anger intermingled with jealously. Was there someone that he planned on moving on with? Was that what this was all about, and he was just trying to cushion the blow for me? I whipped my head around to face him, sure that my green eyes were glowing with rage, my embarrassment burned away by my hostility directed at him. “Who do you want to move on with, Bryn?” I hissed sounding somewhat less than human. “Has that buyer’s remorse finally set in? Or did you figure out when you were away that there were better options out there?” Bryn’s face showed surprise at my reaction, but my doubt at the authenticity of it spurred me on. Although I had no doubt that Bryn loved me . . . maybe he wanted someone else more.
More
 . . . God I was really starting to hate that word. “Nala,” I ground out her name. “You’ve decided to choose her over me, and this whole situation is a lucky coincidence for you, isn’t it?” Nala . . . the stupid Black Dragon bitch that wanted Bryn for herself. I hated her.

“No,” he said as his jaw turned to stone. “It’s not like that. I don’t want her. You know you’re the only one for me.” He locked gazes with me and I felt my anger fold up into itself. Maybe I just wanted an explanation that I could get angry at, and a reason to hate Bryn for leaving me, because surely he couldn’t just walk away if he still felt the same way as he did before about me.

“Then, why?” I asked while searching his face. “No one ever said it would be easy, no one ever said—”

“No one ever said it would kill you.”

I crawled toward him on my knees across the bed, stopping just short of touching him. “None of that is your fault, but if you leave me”—I reached up and caressed his face; his eyes slid shut on contact—“that will be your fault. And that will be what kills me.”

I felt his jaw tick with tension under my palm just before he pulled away; leaving me to feel the cold emptiness, the loss of his skin from under my hand offered me. “I’ve made up my mind and nothing you can do or say will change it.” He turned and walked toward the door, pausing to look at me over his shoulder. His eyes seemed to hold the weight of the world in them and for the first time ever I found myself wondering if the events of the last year had buried the Bryn from my childhood for good. “A world without you in it isn’t worth living in.” His voice cracked and broke an octave lower. “But a world with you alive and well, even if I can’t have you, is a world worth fighting for.”

My mouth opened and shut a few times, like a fish trying to breathe out of water, but by the time I found my voice, he was already gone. I sank back down on the bed in total shock, the numbness I had been feeling before Bryn had sought me out returning with full force. How could I go on without him? For me, a world where I didn’t get to have him wasn’t worth anything.

“Hey, you need any help getting to the meeting?” I looked up to meet Jeremy’s soulful brown eyes that were currently filled with concern for me.

“I thought you left,” I mumbled as my response.

After only a moment’s pause Jeremy made his way farther into my room. “I did, but I came back to check on you. I was worried.”

I chuckled darkly. “Or you saw an opportunity to swoop in and get me on the rebound from Bryn you mean.”

He frowned and shook his head. “No, it’s not like that anymore. I—well, I finally came to terms that you and me weren’t ever going to happen and I’ve moved on. You were right, maybe I never really loved you . . . just thought I did . . . but—” He looked away and flushed. “I have feelings for someone else now. And I think this is the real thing.” He looked back and gave me a tentative smile. “I’m ready to accept that offer of friendship you offered me before . . . for real this time. Or maybe I should say I can handle being a friend to you now.”

I gave him a smile that threatened to crack my face. “I guess I can’t keep anyone’s interest, can I?” I tried to make a joke but it came out sounding dark and bitter. I gulped, trying to swallow down the sour taste in my mouth. “That’s not what I meant, what I meant was that—” Much to my shame, I burst into tears before I could string together a sentence to salvage what I was really trying to say.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, don’t cry! I know this is tough right now—with everything. I understood what you meant.” He encircled me with his arms and I let him so that I could cry on his shoulder . . . literally. As I sobbed into the soft cotton of his worn t-shirt I heard Jeremy clear his throat as if he wanted to say something to me and felt his muscles move restlessly against my cheek.

I pulled back enough to look at him and sniffled unabashed as his gold-flecked eyes bore into mine. “We should probably get going. I’m sure everyone’s waiting on us by now.”

I used the back of my hand to wipe at the tears on my face and nodded once in affirmation. In the past, I would have wanted a few minutes to try to make myself look somewhat presentable, but not anymore. I felt like crap and didn’t care if the whole world knew I felt that way by way of my appearance. I did stop to pick up one of Bryn’s oversized hoodie sweatshirts off the floor and pulled it over my head. I inhaled deeply and luxuriated in the small comfort his scent offered me. “I guess I’m ready to go,” I mumbled more to myself than Jeremy.

He put his arm around my shoulder and guided me along as I stumbled blindly beside him. We eventually reached our destination . . . the common room . . . and I let Jeremy guide me to a chair and sit me down like I was some kind of invalid, and I guess I kind of was, emotionally speaking, that is. I was vaguely aware of the feeling that all eyes were on me, but I kept mine averted and to the ground for fear of seeing the one pair I couldn’t handle seeing again so soon after their owner had just ripped my heart out . . . again.

“He’s not here,” I heard Khol’s deep voice rumble, breaking the silence in the room. I lifted my head and met his penetrating green gaze with question. “Bryn. I think he’s trying to give you some space.”

My heart twisted inside my chest—that was the last thing I wanted from Bryn—and I hated the fact that Khol still seemed to be able to read my emotions after all this time. “Oh,” was what I managed to choke out as a response. I let my eyes slide back down to the table despite the lack of Bryn’s presence.

“There’s a lot that you missed while you were . . . recovering,” Khol said tactfully. “You need to be informed of the state of things.”

I lifted my shoulders and shrugged. “Sure.”

“We found out why the Riders are trying to kill off animals,” Jenna piped up helpfully. “It was so obvious I can’t believe I didn’t see it right away. It’s because animals can see what people have inside of them. We can use the animals to help us identify the Riders without having to use just you, P.J.” She paused for dramatic effect. “And that’s exactly what we’ve been doing.”