Broken (4 page)

“You’re right.” He sighed and released her hand when she pulled it from his grasp. “It’s a little soon to be using the R word.”

She flushed and would have turned away, but he captured her chin. With a small movement, she broke away, hating the embarrassment.

“Easy. I get it,” he said. “I know what you mean, and I appreciate your honesty. What I was going to say is, it’s too soon to talk about a relationship because we don’t know if we’ll get past lunch.
But
, I hope we do because I do want a relationship.”

She gaped at him.

“Ultimately. Not like you said, just to replace Melly’s mother. If that was the case, there were others who were interested in long term.”

Kathy.

“I wasn’t ready.”

“It hasn’t been that long.”

He nodded. “I don’t know that I’m ready for long term. I just know…”

He hesitated, and this time she took his hand. She wished she didn’t because his warmth drew her in and made her crave for more than she should. Nathan brushed a thumb across her lips. She inhaled sharply, trembling. Desire crept into her being, stirring things up, and she didn’t appreciate it. Yet, she couldn’t push him away. Not when he was being so open.

“I just know I want someone. Maybe it’s physical and I just need to empty my balls.”

She sputtered. “Wait, did you just say your balls?”

He grinned.

“You’re funny. And crazy.”

“I try.” Then he grew serious. “It is
that
. I wouldn’t be a man if it weren’t. Being married is good, and I know ultimately I want it again.”

She wanted to tell him she would never consider getting married again, but she was afraid he would leave. He was nothing like her dad. Where her dad always drilled it into her head not to be weak and not to show her hand, Nathan freely shared whatever was on his mind. Did that mean he’d failed in the army or been kicked out because he couldn’t hack it? She didn’t think so. He didn’t come off as a weak man at all. Maybe it
was
Melly who had gentled him, or his late wife. Their love could have made the soldier human, or his career hadn’t lasted long enough to change who he was as a person. Maybe her views were skewed by her own experiences. That wouldn’t be a surprise.

“Let’s order,” he suggested, and she agreed.

Chapter Five

Ciera walked beside Nathan with her hand in his. They had finished lunch, chatting over various subjects that interested them both. He asked about her art, and since she didn’t mind revealing more on that topic, she told him. Now, as she kept taking peeks at him, she wondered when the shoe would drop. If he didn’t ask her about herself, well, she had dealt with that from a few men. They spoke about themselves and their lives and never seemed to get around to her. After her divorce, she preferred it that way, but it spoke volumes about the man and tended to turn her off.

“So,” Nathan said, and he stopped walking to move in front of her and block her path. His expression was kind but firm. “You’ve carefully avoided the subject when I ask about you.”

Her eyebrows rose. “I told you all about my work and how I went to school at night to get my liberal arts degree. Fat lot of good it’s doing for me.”

“Yeah, there’s that.” He stepped closer to her. She stumbled back, but he caught her fingers and drew her nearer. Her breath rattled around in her chest. “You, Ciera. Not your job.”

“It’s a business.”

“Maybe you’re married, and you’re cheating on him right now.”

She gasped at the tightness in his jaw and the way his eyes snapped in offense. On one hand it amused her that he apparently felt strong about it. They were just out to lunch. Tony sure didn’t see it that way. Nathan’s anger was another point in his favor.

“No, I’m not married. I’m divorced. He did the cheating.”

Nathan’s anger died. “I’m sorry.” Then he shook his head as if in wonder. “How the hell did he cheat on you? Damn, he must be crazy. You’re—”

“Stop.” She gave a pained smile. “I like the compliments, and I know I have my points, but I mean everybody feels differently. Maybe you think I’m cute now, but after seven years…”

“Is that how long it was?”

She didn’t answer. They started walking again. Nathan took her hand and laced his fingers with hers. She liked it too much and tugged away. He let her go without a fight. She tried not to see anything in it.

“I want to know more, Ciera. You told me all that without a shred of emotion, like it had nothing to do with you. I know people hide their feelings because it’s like the socially accepted thing, but I hate it.”

She stopped walking again. “So if you felt like crying, you’d just do it right here in the street?” Her earlier thought about him being weak came to the foreground.

He chuckled. “No, I haven’t felt like crying much in my life. In fact the only time I ever have is when Melly was born and when my wife died.”

“What about your parents?”

He grumbled. “You’re doing it again, asking about me to turn the attention away from you.”

Ciera clenched her hands at her sides. She noticed that they had started across a bridge and walked to the stone railing to lean on. A lake stretched before her with sailboats still lazing along even though the temperatures had begun to drop half way through autumn. Nathan followed her and leaned a hip against the rail. He rested an elbow on the top as if he had all the time in the world to wait for her.

“Fine!” She glared at him, but he only smiled. “My dad’s ex-military, but he’s nothing like you.”

He winced. “That sounds a little accusatory.”

“It’s not.” She couldn’t have laughing a little. “Okay, it might be. To me he’s cold as ice, distant, and hard. Maybe I’m a little like him.”

“No.”

“You don’t know, Nathan. You said yourself I won’t talk to you.”

“I saw you with Melly.”

“She’s cute as hell.”

“The way you ran to get her a present because she cried, and you didn’t even know her. You came to a party for a man you had just met.”

She pressed her lips together.

“Would your dad do that?”

She started to walk away. He stopped her.

“Ciera?”

“No, he wouldn’t. Not even for me.”

“I’m sorry.”

She waved a hand. “It’s fine. I’m used to him, and we have times when we get along. When my marriage ended, he gave me money to get my apartment and get on my feet again.”

“He cares.”

She didn’t tell Nathan the way she saw it, her dad was doing what he thought of as his “duty to his family.” Yes, she was thirty and on her own, but he would still look like an ass if he let his only child end up on the street. Her problem was in all the years she had been on the earth, her father had not once told he loved her. He just didn’t unbend to that extent, and as much as he had pushed for her to be hard, she knew she wasn’t. Not inside.

“You’ve been hurt,” Nathan whispered.

She gasped because she didn’t realize he had moved so close. She put her head back to look up at him. Warmth from his body spread to hers. She swayed a little toward him and locked her legs.

Don’t give in, Ciera.

“A lot.”

The next thing she knew his lips were slanted over hers.

No, too soon.

A tiny moan escaped her, and she clutched his arms, parting her lips. The tip of Nathan’s tongue touched the end of hers, and she drew back. He caught her by the hips and tugged her in again to deepen the kiss. His moan rumbled into her mouth and chest. Their tongues tangled, and Ciera forgot time and their surroundings. When he slid his hands higher to her waist, she came to herself and wrenched away, wiping a hand across her mouth.

They both panted, facing the water. Ciera pressed her fingertips into cool stone, trying to settle down. She ached to be back in his arms, but the lull was deceiving. Being there made her feel safe and cozy, even loved. That was the part that was wrong. They didn’t know each other, and Nathan certainly didn’t love her. She refused to fall into the trap of letting sex make her feel acceptance she had never gotten from her dad—or however that damn psychobabble junk went.

“Well, that’s one question answered,” Nathan said.

“What question?”

“If those plump lips taste as good as they look.”

She wrinkled her nose. “Plump lips?”

He shrugged. “They’re irresistible. You have to admit.”

“I’m not going around wanting other women’s lips.”

He laughed. “I meant yours.”

“Yes,” she intoned, tongue-in-cheek. “My lips are irresistible.”

“I’m glad we agree.”

She punched his arm.

A weird chime sounded, and she frowned at him. “What’s that?”

He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his cell phone. “That’s my alarm. It’s time to pick up Melly. Want to come along?”

“I don’t think I should. You don’t bring every date around her, do you?”

“You ask me, but your eyes are already accusing me.” He appeared amused. “‘Every date’ would imply I’ve been seeing a bunch of women. The last time I was on a date was eight months ago.”

“It’s your balls, definitely your balls.”

He burst out laughing. “What?”

“Remember? You said you weren’t sure if you like me or if it was just that you wanted to empty your balls.”

“I don’t remember it being an issue of whether I like you. I like you a lot already, Ciera. Get that clear.”

Good thing she was pretty brown because she knew she blushed like a kid right then.

“My lack of action for so long proves I’m a good guy and that I don’t jump into a sexual relationship with any woman.”

“You cling to that good guy thing.”

“It’s my only card.”

She let her gaze sweep him from head to toe. “Not the only one.”

“Mm, good to know. Thanks. Let me walk you back to your car.”

“No, it’s fine. I’m going to run a few errands while I’m in this area.”

“Okay.” He kissed her before she could stop him, but it was just a brush of his lips, enough to leave her wanting. “I’ll call you.”

“Sure. Talk to you later.”

Ciera spoke the words matter-of-factly, and Nathan studied her face a moment and then turned on his heel to walk away. She watched him as he disappeared around a corner and then started off in the opposite direction. The truth was, she had nothing to buy. Being with him had been so much fun, and that raised alarm bells in her head. She had teased him about his sexual desire, but in actuality she was scared stiff about him seeing her naked. If she kept seeing him, it would happen. They were attracted to each other. On her end, it was understandable. On his, it might be like he said because it had been so long. Any cootchie might do, but she wasn’t confident about her body.

Her girlfriend had encouraged Ciera to get in shape so she would look great for when “Mr. Wonderful” came along. In some ways, Ciera agreed. In others, she didn’t. Why should she change her body to try to please some man? Shouldn’t he love her for who and what she was? Yet, she had her desires too, and hot men appealed just like they did to many other women. Thinking Mr. Wonderful should want her despite her appearance while she held him to certain standards wasn’t fair. The thing was though, she knew she was in danger of falling for just about any man who treated her right, no matter what he looked like. Fear kept her crippled and alone. She was terrified that anybody coming into her life might be great in the beginning and turn out to be like Tony in the end.

Not to mention admitting to him I might not be able to have kids.

Ciera groaned because everything came back to the same hurts and challenges. Maybe she should resign herself to being an old maid and give up on dating. No risks, no pain. The motto wasn’t all negative. She could use her own hands and toys to satisfy her needs just like she’d been doing for the last two years. Then at some point, her sexual desire would begin to wane. Eventually, she might be able to go through life not having orgasms at all.

Ciera stopped in the street and stared at nothing in particular. The bleakness of her thoughts almost made her throw up. She must be crazy. No, she couldn’t go another umpteen years without the touch of another. Okay, so if she guarded her heart, maybe she could figure something out. Whether that something would be with Nathan remained to be seen.

Chapter Six

“What are you wearing?”

Ciera rolled her eyes. “I think that question has been asked by every man on the planet at least once.”

“Does that mean nothing?”

She laughed and looked down. Having just stepped out of the shower, she only wore one of her specially purchased oversize towels. When she found them on Amazon, guaranteed to cover her wide hips, she had jumped on them and ordered seven. The towel covered her breasts and belly, but it left her thighs bare, which liked to rub together. Seeing them now, she noted the dimpled skin and sighed.

“No, it means get my naked body out of your head,” she quipped.

“Why should I? We’ve been dating two months.”

“And?”

“I think it gives me the right to fantasize about how good you would look in your birthday suit.” The banging that had been steadily going on in the background at his house stopped. Nathan’s voice became muffled as if he had turned his head and covered the phone, but she could still make out what he said. “No, Melly, I didn’t say birthday.”

Ciera laughed when he came back. “That’s what you get for talking dirty to me.”

“Oh, I haven’t talked dirty to you yet.”

“What is that racket over there?”

“Melly decided to create a one woman band and play only for me.”

The banging stopped again. The girl might not be able to speak, but there was nothing wrong with her ears.

“Correction,” Nathan announced. “She will also play for you if you like.”

“I’m good. Thanks. I don’t value a headache. How can you stand it?”

“I don’t like to suppress her spirit.”

“You’re definitely white.”

He chuckled. “What does that mean?”

“Never mind.”