Broken

Broken

Copyright © October 2014, Teona Bell

Cover art by For the Muse Designs © October 2014

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Chapter One

“I'm sorry, Ciera,” the doctor said, a look of sympathy on her face. “The tests are conclusive. While your husband’s sperm is low, it’s not impossibly low. Therefore we tested you as procedure to get to the bottom of our problem.”

Our problem,
Ciera thought. How was it
our
when both the doctor and her husband were looking at her?

“Right now, your uterus is in an abnormal state.”

“Abnormal?” Ciera croaked. Her body sounded like a science experiment gone wrong.

The doctor extended a hand to Ciera’s, and Ciera curled her fingers into her palm to resist the urge to smack the touch away. What she really wanted to do was scream and hit something. Tony wasn’t saying anything at all, which worried her.

“Easy, it’s just a term. To put it simply, you have a few polyps and fibroids that may be causing your issue. Normally, they only provide a slight risk, but they’re removed…”

Ciera’s mind wandered. They had been down this road a few times. First, the tests started with Tony to check his sperm count. Now they moved on to her. The two of them had been trying to get pregnant for three years, and so far no babies. As each day passed, the strain in the relationship had increased. Sometimes they argued. Too often nothing. Tony would disappear in the second bedroom and shut the door, cutting her off. She had tried everything she could to understand and be supportive when the doctor had thought it was his issue that was why they weren’t getting pregnant. Now it turned to her body, and Tony hadn’t said a word. He hadn’t even looked at her.

She glanced over to him now as he listened to the doctor. When they walked into the doctor’s office earlier to get the news, he had chosen the chair near the wall. The one beside her sat empty. He might as well have punched her in the face with that move. She wanted to curl up and cry until she had nothing left, but instead she sat there, dry-eyed. Her dad was ex-military, and he had taught her every day of her life—“Keep your emotions to yourself, Ciera. In private. That way nobody can use them against you.”

Ciera had always felt like she failed at her dad’s directive. She flew off the handle whenever Tony pissed her off, but in the face of this news, she realized she was wrong. Not once in the whole time she was married did she let Tony see how much he hurt her. She cried after he left the house and cleaned herself up before he got back.

Ciera sighed, watching her husband. She would make a change and do better. “You’re saying we can still get pregnant, right?” she asked the doctor. “If I have the polyps and whatever removed?”

“I’m saying we’re not sure that is what’s causing the issue, but yes, there’s a strong possibility.”

“Okay, so—” Ciera began, but Tony popped to his feet.

“Thanks, Doc. We’ll get back to you.” He walked to the door, and Ciera had no choice but to follow. She offered her doctor a thanks of her own and a promise to call to set up an appointment for when she could have the procedure done and get the insurance information straight. By the time she finished speaking with the woman, Tony was already out in the lobby. She jogged to catch up with him.

“Hold on, Tony. Damn, what’s the rush?”

In the hall, she reached him and grabbed for his arm. Muscles that had turned her on from the first day she met him at the gym flexed under her fingers. As always happened too, her heartbeat kicked up. Five years of marriage hadn’t minimized her love for him.

Tony slowed down and stuffed his hands into his pockets. Somehow the move shook her hand off his arm, and she decided it was coincidence.

“She thinks we’ll be able to get pregnant after—”

“No,” he said.

She frowned. “What?”

“I said, no, Ciera. I’m done.”

Ciera put her hands on her hips. “What the hell does that mean?”

“Don’t start with the attitude.”

“Wait, you’re telling me you’re done, and I’m not supposed to get mad? What are you done with, Tony? Me getting pregnant, or just
me?
”

He hesitated, and her throat started to close.

“Damn it, Ciera, I didn’t want to do this here, but you’re pushing me.” He glanced up and down the hall. They stood in it alone. Each of the line of doors on both sides of the passage was closed. Ciera had always liked the quiet of the small office building, but all of a sudden, she felt isolated. She dreaded what Tony was about to say.

“We’ve been married five years, together for seven. I thought it was going to be different,” he admitted. “I mean look at you. You’re not even that feminine.”

Her jaw dropped. Was he for real? “I’m the same woman you showed off for in the gym!”

His gaze rose to her hair, and she couldn’t help reaching up to run her hand over the short, natural curls. They were rough and not as cute as she had hoped when she had the idea of cutting off the perm and letting her hair grow out the way she was born with. To celebrate her new style, she had also dyed it reddish brown. Briefly, she had wondered if the dye job was defeating the purpose, but she fell in love with her hair as soon as it was done. Apparently, Tony didn’t agree, but her hair had never been that long in the first place.

“Your hair is short like a boy’s,” he said in a tone of disgust. “You’re always in jeans or sweats, and worst of all you let yourself go. I could understand the weight if you were pregnant, but we don’t even have that.”

“So you think I’m too fat? It’s forty pounds, Tony. I can lose it, but this isn’t about my weight.”

He ran a hand over his face. “No, it’s not. I’m tired of everything. All I wanted was a sexy wife and a baby. I can’t get that from you.”

Pain ripped through her gut. He was always blunt. She had liked it back when it wasn’t carving her heart out with a dull spoon. “You’re a selfish ass, you know that, Tony? I was there with you, encouraging you when we thought it was your sperm count.”

He shook his head as if he hadn’t heard a word she said. “And look at you. After what I said, a normal woman would be crying and begging me not to leave her.”

“B-begging you?” He had no idea. “I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction.”

“I can’t do this with you, Ciera. You’re a cold bitch, and I realize why should I even try to have a kid with that kind of woman. There’s someone who—”

“Someone? You mean you’ve been cheating while we were trying to have a baby?”

“No, I’m not that kind of man. I would never sleep with another woman while I’m married. But I have been seeing her. I love her, and I want to be with her. We’ve even talked about starting a family right away after the divorce.”

“You’re not cheating, but you already know you want to marry this woman and have talked about having kids with her?” Ciera’s voice rose with each word.

“I was going to give it one last try with you. I still love you, Ciera, and I didn’t want to just abandon you.”

“Fuck you!” She balled her fist up and punched him dead in the face. His head snapped back, and pain exploded in fingers. She cried out and squeezed her hand between her thighs.

Tony cursed and spun away to storm down the hall.

“Where are you going?” she shouted after him.

“Away from you before I do something that will land me in jail. Find a way home, Ciera. Good-bye.”

He disappeared at the end of the hall, and she heard the
swish
of the outside door closing. Devastation hit hard. She never thought she would end up here. Her parents had been married for fifty-five years and both of theirs were together until her maternal grandparents passed on within months of each other. She came from a stable, strong background. Why the hell was this happening?

Tears started in her eyes and began their slow descent down her cheeks. The day had begun positive and with hope. In a few seconds, her expectancy of good news died, and her husband had left her. Her cell phone rang in her purse, but she ignored it. She sniffed and scrubbed at her nose, but her shoulders began to shake, and a sob escaped her. Down the hall, someone opened a door, and not wanting to have anyone see her, she ran to the bathroom and darted inside.

After wandering to the mirror, she peered in it. For the first time in her life, Ciera hated what she saw. Self-esteem had never been a real issue. Right now though, she saw her wide hips and thick thighs. She saw the rounded belly sticking out a little. At a size sixteen, she had thought she didn’t look that bad. Not until Tony mentioned it. Today, she had worn blue jeans and a long-sleeved white shirt. They weren’t men’s clothes, but they weren’t overly feminine. She liked to be comfortable and had seen nothing wrong with it. That jerk had her questioning herself, and try as hard as she might, she couldn’t get the old confidence back. Maybe after she stopped crying and her feelings healed.

Or maybe after the divorce.

Chapter Two

Two years later…

“Happy birthday to me,” Ciera whispered and set the whipped-frosting yellow cake inside her cart. She took half a second to consider putting it back but didn’t change her mind. Today, she was thirty, damn it. Sure, she didn’t need the calories, but her girlfriend was in Chicago on business, and she had told her parents she didn’t want anything special this year. That had been her way to avoid seeing them. Her mother was wrapped up in her own life, and Ciera had never been close to her father.

Ciera navigated her cart to the aisle where she could get candles and found a tiny girl staring up at them with interest. The sweet little thing wore a huge pink flower in curly sienna hair that looked like it was silky and soft. Ciera guessed she was a mixed baby from her smooth light caramel skin. A pink pearl necklace hung from the girl’s neck and extended almost to her knees. Her mama must love her very much to let her come to the grocery store having ransacked the costume jewelry, Ciera thought, and she knew she would have probably done the same. If she had had the chance to have kids, that is.

“Which one do you want?” Ciera asked. “I’m getting the blue. I bet you would like the pink?” Ciera pointed to the box of twelve candles, but the little girl shook her head. She pointed a tiny finger, and Ciera’s heart stirred. “Oh, I see. The three. Are you turning three?”

The girl nodded. Ciera longed to hear her voice, figuring it was high-pitched and sweet as little girls’ voices were prone to be. She handed over the three candle, and eager fingers grasped it.

“Can you say thank you?” Ciera encouraged her.

Joy on the small face changed to alarm, and Ciera kicked herself. She started to tell the girl it was fine, when a deep voice interrupted their exchange.

“Can I help you?” he said.

Ciera popped up and promptly banged her head on a coupon holder. She grunted and rubbed the top of her head. The man winced, embarrassing her even more. “Um, sorry, no. I was just helping her get a candle.” Ciera rattled her own box. “I was getting mine. Today is my birthday, and I bought a cake so I thought why not.”

Why the heck was she telling him all that? He didn’t care. A peep from below caught her attention, and she glanced down. The girl’s face was bright again, and she pointed to herself with the cutest smile on the planet. That’s when Ciera noticed the scar on her throat and figured out what it meant. This precious flower couldn’t speak.

Ciera sank to a knee and grinned. “No way, it’s your birthday? I’m turning three, too.”

The little girl frowned in disbelief, and Ciera chuckled.

“Three decades. That means thirty.”

This time, the girl nodded as if that was more like it. Ciera tried not to let it get to her that she probably looked her age.

“Happy birthday,” the man said in that same panty-wetting tone. “Melly is three today.”

“Aww,” Ciera cooed. “Happy birthday, Melly.”

“Her name is actually Melody, but I call her Melly.”

Ciera wanted to ask what he called himself and if there was a Mrs. Melly’s Dad, but being that forward had disappeared a long time ago. She didn’t approach men or encourage them. Dating was infrequent and never serious. Not because she didn’t want love or that she had written it off, but because she hadn’t gotten back that thing she lost two years ago. She was still fat, and in a small act of defiance, she still kept her hair short and natural.

“Melly’s really cute,” Ciera said for lack of anything else. She rose to her feet and dared to look up at the man. He was tall, a good six or seven inches more than her five foot seven. A broad build but not overly hard like he spent all his time in the gym. A tumble of chestnut hair covered his head, and his hazel eyes matched Melly’s. Ciera had never dated a white man or even considered it, but she liked to look just as much as at black men. They seemed nice, she guessed, but knew in reality there were good and bad people no matter the race.