Broken (15 page)

July 29
th
, 1050

I'm sorry it has been so much time since I've written but I simply couldn't bring myself to do it. I can barely bring myself to do anything more than what is required of me in order to keep on surviving.

It's been three weeks since I last saw Atticus. I wish I could say that even if it hasn't been a great three weeks at least something good had come of them. I can't say that though. I miss him every day. I miss him more than I'd ever thought was possible. I'd be destroyed if something were to ever happen to Camille but I feel destroyed now. There's this lump inside of my chest, no not a lump, there's this emptiness that I can't shake. This hole that I've now become convinced will never again be filled.

I can't let it drag me down though. I have Camille to think about. We should have enough money to be able to leave soon. It would be better if we could wait until she was mature but I'm concerned that something is going to happen to her before then if we stay here for much longer. The way Felix watches her makes my skin crawl. I thought about killing him the other night in his sleep but if something were to go wrong, he would kill me. I know he would, and then Camille would be completely on her own and vulnerable to him. Marie and Felix would destroy her if something were to ever happen to me.

My dreams of being free of them both are so close to coming true and yet I feel no happiness. No matter how unhappy I am though, no matter the things I've endured, I will make sure that things are different for Camille. I'll give her the life that she deserves and I'll keep her safe no matter what it takes. I've lost Atticus but I have to think of her now and maybe one day Atticus and I will meet again. I refuse to get my hopes up for that, as there are too many things that can happen to alter the course of one's life over time, but I cannot completely let him go either. I'm not sure I could get out of bed every morning if I did.

I think Camille and I should be able to leave by the end of September. It will still be a good time to travel to France and there should be enough in savings to get us a place and to tide us over for at least a couple of months. I'll probably end up having to steal there too but maybe, just maybe, I will be able to find an honest way to make a living there.

I'm really just hoping that maybe some distance from here will help to heal the brokenness inside me that so far time has only made worse, instead of better. I don't think that will work either but at least Camille will be away from the monster in the next room.

***

"Are you ready to go Genny?"

She returned the fake bottom to the chest and carefully placed her clothes on top of it. "I am." She forced a smile as she rose to her feet, smoothed the wrinkles from her tunic, and turned toward her sister. Camille looked as lovely as always with her braid falling over her shoulder and the deep blue of her mantle bringing out the vivid color of her eyes.

Camille studied her before shaking her head. "You're fooling no one with that smile."

"Well at least I'm trying to pretend."

"You should stop pretending with me."

"And then what?" she inquired. "Cry, carry on, curse fate and the heavens? That doesn't get anyone anywhere and I refuse to be like Marie or Felix and blame the rest of the world for my problems."

"Just be honest, you're sad."

"I am," she confirmed. "And you're late, so let's get you to those children."

She slid her arm through her sister's and turned for the door. Camille rested her head against her shoulder as they left the hut and stepped into the misty day. "All I want is for you to be happy. You've always been so concerned about me that you never thought of yourself before you met him. You should do so again."

"You
are
my biggest concern. I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure you get the life that you deserve."

Camille stopped walking and turned to face her. "Don't you understand that that is all I want for you too? I won't have you sacrificing yourself for me Genny."

"I'm not sacrificing myself for you Camille, don't ever think that. You're the only one I've ever loved until he entered my life. When he was here, you were still my number one concern. He is the one that is sacrificing himself by marrying someone else, because he must."

Camille's lips puckered, her delicate eyebrows drew together. "He loves you Genny."

"Unfortunately, that's not enough in this world. Now come on. I have to get to town before the men start spending all their money on their daily supplies."

Camille fell into step beside her again. "You know what Marie is, what she does, that's not what he's asking for from you. He wants more from you then
any
of those men ever wanted from Marie. You could have a better life than anything you've ever dared to dream of with him. He would take care of you, I know he would."

"I can't be like her."

"You're
nothing
like that woman. Stop thinking that, it's only holding you back."

Genny stopped walking and turned to face her sister. "Holding me back from what Camille? Being someone's mistress? No one has ever taken care of me before, I won't allow someone to do so now."

"You'll give up someone you love so you can keep your pride?"

"It's not that simple," she whispered as tears filled her eyes. "He would also be with someone else…" Just the thought of that made it impossible for her to continue speaking.

Camille rested her hand on Genny's arm. "And he'll be free of her as soon as they have a son. He wants you forever; he
has
to be with her until his duties have been fulfilled. I know you're a proud woman Genny. I know how strong and independent you are but for once allow yourself to be happy."

Genny wiped at her eyes and turned away. "There's also you, we have to get you away from Felix."

"You're the one he pummels on a regular basis."

"And you're the one that he watches
too
closely."

Camille shuddered and wrapped her arms around herself. "I can't stand him," she murmured.

"I know," Genny whispered and brushed back a lose strand of Camille's hair. She was too beautiful for her own good but if they could get away from Felix, Genny knew she would be able to keep her safe.

"Maybe Atticus would allow me to come and live with you both."

"He wouldn't have a choice," Genny retorted.

Camille laughed as she squeezed her arm. "You're right, he wouldn't."

She turned to say goodbye to her sister when they arrived at the small building where the children resided. "I'll be back later," Genny promised. She kissed Camille on the forehead and slipped into the woods.

Her mind churned with Camille's words as she moved through the forest in search of a meal. She'd barely fed since she'd last seen Atticus, the idea of it made her stomach turn, but she had to feed in order to keep up her strength. She caught hold of a fox on the other side of the river and holding him carefully within her arms, she forced herself to sink her fangs into its neck.

The feral scent of the animal filled her nostrils as its blood spilled into her mouth. Her stomach twisted, the blood tasted almost rotten to her and it took everything she had to suppress her gag reflex in order to swallow it down. Frustration and heartache filled her; she released the fox before she accidentally snapped its neck as her mind and soul seemed to sink further into a deep depression.

Leaning forward, she rested her arms and forehead on the forest floor and released the scream that had been trapped within her chest these past weeks. The tangy scent of the earth filled her nostrils, her lashes fluttered against the leaves and pine needles beneath her as she blinked against the tears pooling in her eyes. She sat there for a few minutes, trying to regain control of herself.

Placing her hands on the ground, she shoved herself to her feet, wiped at her eyes and turned away. It would get better, it had to, but falling apart and screaming at the ground weren't going to do anything to make it that way. She forced herself to put one foot in front of the other as she hurried toward the human town.

***

"You're not supposed to be here," she said.

Atticus remained where he was, staring at her back as she sat with her shoulders hunched forward on the log. The sunlight filtering through the trees in golden rays illuminated her black braid. She was in her chemise again and yet that simple article of clothing was more enticing than any half-naked woman he'd ever seen before.

"I know," he replied.

The light reflected in her raven eyes, seeming to make them glow as she turned her head to look at him. His fingers twitched with the impulse to run them over the creamy complexion of her skin. Yes, she was by far the most enticing woman he'd ever seen in his life and though he knew he wasn't supposed to be here, knew he should leave, he found his feet drawn irresistibly forward.

Her eyes followed him as he walked to the end of the log. "You'll only make this harder, for us both," she whispered.

"It can't be any harder," he said honestly.

She turned away to stare out at the river. "Yes it could."

"How? How could it
possibly
be any harder?" he demanded as he stepped onto the log.

Her jaw clenched, her gaze remained focused on the water as he walked across the log toward her. "Don't," she murmured as he knelt beside her.

His deadened heart lurched in his chest then seemed to shrivel.
This
, this was how it could get harder, to be spurned by her again. "I'll go."

Her head turned toward him, her eyes reluctantly found his. "Don't," she whispered again.

"Genny," he breathed.

Taking hold of her hand, he helped her to rise and pulled her closer to him. Her mouth parted, her body was rigid, but thankfully that awful,
don't
, word didn't escape her again. He moved cautiously, afraid that she would tell him to leave again. He didn't think he could handle it if she did. Her eyes rapidly searched his as he slid his fingers over her cheeks and around the back of her head. Touching her again finally eased all of the stress that had been building within him these past few weeks. He finally felt whole once more as the mint and aster scent that was undeniably her, drifted into his nose.

Her hands rested upon his chest, but instead of pushing him away, her fingers curled into his tunic and pulled him closer. The passion that the women in the club had failed to ignite in him blazed to life instantly. All of the unhappiness of the past weeks vanished as he eagerly took possession of her mouth.

The unending bitter dryness and lack of taste he'd been experiencing lately vanished when his tongue swept inside to taste the sweet recesses of her mouth. The past three weeks faded away as he was once more enveloped in her feel and taste. He tugged at the hem of her chemise and in turn she rewarded him with a low moan of pleasure.

He growled low as the cumbersome material still covering her tangled around them. He considered tearing it from her body but there was a good chance he would frighten her away if he did. She had to know though; she had to understand that he wasn't going to be content with just kissing her, not when he'd been denied her touch these past weeks. "Genny, I need more, I need
you
," he whispered against her mouth.

He tasted the saltiness of the tears sliding down her cheeks as he kissed her face. She pulled back to look up at him, her fingers slid over his face and rested against his lips. Her eyes were filled with awe as they ran over him. "I've missed you so much. Take from me what you need, I won't refuse you again."

There was nothing in the world that he wanted more than to hear those words or to be with this woman. "I'll
always
be here for you."

She smiled beautifully as her fingers traced his mouth. "I know."

He pulled her back into his arms and kissed her with the feverish longing that had been building within him since they'd parted. He tasted her in deep, penetrating thrusts of his tongue that only left him aching for more. Her body pressed flush against his as he broke the kiss and lifted her above his head. Laughter trailed from her. He savored in the sight of her and the halo the sunlight created around her. He was going to enjoy looking at her
every
day of the eternity they were going to share together.

She was still laughing when he placed her back on the log. She gave him a mischievous smile and before he knew what she intended, she jerked him backward. A shout of surprise and laughter escaped him as they tumbled backwards off of the log together. Cool water swelled over his head and ripped her hand away from his.

***

Atticus woke with a start. Genny's laughter continued to echo in his head and the scent of asters filled his nostrils. For a minute he remained suffused by the happiness and sense of completion that he'd experienced in the dream. The dream had seemed so much more real to him than any of the other dreams he'd continuously had about her since they'd last been together.

Take from me what you need; I won't refuse you again.
They weren't her words though, they never had been. His mind, in its desperate attempt to try and soothe his constant misery, had dreamed the words up as surely as it had dreamed her up.