Broken (24 page)

“I love you, but I love someone else too.”

“Impossible. Don't say this.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Is that why you didn't want me to stay here for the holiday?”

“No. It's not like that. I knew him before we ever met.”

“You saw him over break? That is cheating.”

“Kind of saw. Not cheating!” I said.

“Is he your boyfriend?”

“No.” The truth wasn't helping me at all.

“This is not cool. I can't believe you. I told you I was falling for you.”

“I must. I want to be honest. I didn't see him like a date. I just know I love him.”

“How could you love him when I love you! You were with me! I knew something was wrong, you never called. Then my fortune cookie had a blank fortune. You know that is very bad luck,” he said. I hugged him. It was odd. I didn't want to let him go. It was so easy to want to break up when he was not in front of me. “I have no future.”

“Don't say that, Merek. It's just a little break.” I couldn't make it final. Even in my heart, I didn't want it to be final. Almost as much as he didn't.

“Don't hug. This is a mistake, Milan!”

“Fortune cookies don't mean anything.”

“My brother told me a blank fortune is bad luck. This is bad luck.”

“My friend's dad's company prints millions of fortunes a year.”

“Don't break up.” He held my hand and pulled me close to him. I found it hard to breathe. I had to turn away from him. I felt the tears.

“Just for now.” He gently turned my face to his. I slowly looked at his chin, then his cute lips, then his nose, and finally his eyes. They were bogged down with worry.

“Just a break—not a breakup.” Merek said. I watched his lips. I shook my head yes.

“I never loved anyone before I loved you,” he said.

I kissed him on the cheek and walked away slowly. How had I been so sure that this was the right thing to do? My heart felt relief for a second. Then it got heavy again. Then my stomach was in chaos. I wondered what that even meant—a break, this being my first break. I discreetly wiped my tears before they rolled down my cheeks.

I went back inside the classroom. “You look flushed,” Cara said.

“Yeah?” I sat down as calmly as possible.

“Okay, doll face?”

“Fine.” I smiled. Then I focused on the teacher. It was then Cara kicked me. Was she out of her mind? I looked down to find a red mark on my leg. “I scar easily. Don't ever kick me again!” I said. Cara hugged me. I just wanted to get out of there.

“Make sure you bring your photo ID to class. There's an RFID on it. The scanners at the door pick up when you come and go. They also have scanners in the lunch room and at all exits. Be smart. Don't go to lunch two periods in a row,” Ms. Amanda said. This professor was different. She looked as if she could be Winter's old sister. I guessed that would make her thirtysomething. A quick sigh later had me back into my own terror. The “boyfriend-less wonder” is what Frenchy would call me. I was far from her man-eater ways. I'd never seen her cry over a guy. Didn't seem like such a bad way to be.

“I love your lip gloss, by the way,” Cara said. I looked at Cara, puzzled by her. Why had she kicked me? She didn't even say sorry. Then that hug. Was that kindness? She looked pretty harmless right about now.

I noticed Ms. Amanda sit down at her desk out of the corner of my eye. The girl sitting beside me stood up. I knew it was time. I took my barcode and left. I didn't say bye to Cara because I knew I would see her later. And I still didn't like the fact that she had kicked me.

I was on my way to my new locker. I missed the bustling hallway traffic in school. Somehow it made me feel less lonely. I had broken up with Merek on a prayer and a wish. It only made me feel clueless about love.

“Oh, my god!” Frenchy accosted me in the middle of the hallway. Then she edged me over to the side. I felt like I was pinned up against the wall. “I have a stalker!” she said.

“Who?” I'd really hardly ever met any of Frenchy's many boyfriends. Once we happened upon one in a dive coffee shop downtown—guess who picked the spot?

“Leonardo from NYU. He is the whole reason why I applied.”

“Does Sierra know?”

“No … know that I'm seeing him or that I applied?”

“Both.”

“Whatever, Milan. He won't stop calling me. Today he called me four times since breakfast. I checked my Twitter. He sent me 11 tweets about his hat, his outfit, what he's thinking about us, about me, about … yesterday.”

“Yesterday?” I asked.

“Deep sea diving.” Frenchy smiled.

“Wait a minute while I cringe. That is not nice. I have no idea why you call it that.”

“Grow up.”

“Is he your official?”

“No … okay, yes. But we broke up. We made up yesterday but now I think he's a stalker.”

“Blame it on the deep sea diving.”

“I guess it could be that good.” Was she serious? The last thing I needed was to hear about Frenchy's romantic trysts.

“Are you going to your locker?” I asked.

“No.”

“I need to.” I didn't want to lose my assignment sheet or my mind. The more I walked, the more I missed Merek.

Part of me was missing. I felt so miserable. It was like I left my shoes in the hallway when I left Merek. I wanted to get him back. But I wanted my old Noel back too. How much longer was I going to have to wait?!

When I got to my new locker, it became apparent that Frenchy had been talking behind me the whole way. I put my head on her shoulder. “Let's talk at lunch. I broke up with Merek this morning. Honestly I'm just trying to make it to the next class!”

“Why would you ever break up with Merek?” It was then I remembered I had only told Sierra of my full intentions.

“I don't know.” I buried my face in my locker. I rifled through my handbag for my lipstick. When I looked in my compact mirror, it was the same old story. Not a hair out of place. Even my eyeliner was still perfect. Inside, I was a frazzled mess. When I closed my locker, my eyes met Frenchy's disappointed look.

“Milan, he's, like, perfect. You just don't get it.” Frenchy shook her head and walked away. I followed her to gym. I now felt dumber than ever.

This semester, we had two sets of keys, one to our lockers and one to our gym lockers. The gym locker room was complete with a sauna, showers, and massage therapy for 30 minutes once per week, and, of course, the full-length cherry wood lockers with our names engraved in platinum. What was next? Our own trailers? I certainly wouldn't mind, though the girl's bathroom on the sixth floor still had a special place in my heart. Sometimes a girl needed to go old school.

Our gym uniforms hadn't changed very much. White long-sleeved baby tees and baby blue yoga pants. “I did it,” I texted Sierra. After I changed, I went to the yoga room. I sat down on a red and white mat. Sierra put her phone down next to me. Then she sat on the mat across from me and gave me a hug. Right behind her was Frenchy.

“Please tell Milan this is the biggest mistake ever,” Frenchy said.

“It's not,” I said.

“You wouldn't even know how to be in a relationship,” Sierra said to Frenchy.

Frenchy checked her watch. “Nice. Only your third insult before 12. Slow day,” Frenchy said.

“As if. What are you complaining about now?” Sierra said. Cara sat down in front of me.

“So, did M tell you that we're moving in together?” Cara said.

“Excuse me!” Sierra said.

“Next up, rings,” Cara said.

Sierra rolled her eyes. “We're in the middle of a real crisis today!”

Frenchy threw her hands up in frustration. She and Sierra looked at each other and shook their heads.

“Oh!” Frenchy looked at Cara out the corner of her eyes. “You didn't hear that news, did you?” Frenchy finished. My head fell into my hands as I realized I couldn't stop this from happening. The gossip train had left the station.

I focused my attention on Mrs. Gates, the young, new yoga instructor. “Young ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my yoga heaven. We want to get rid of our stress on
the mat, and acquire peace, happiness, and Zen. This is the perfect time to get energized right before lunch,” Mrs. Gates said.

“I almost spit up at her announcement,” Sierra texted me. I realized then I needed to keep my phone turned down so no one would know when I had a message.

“Where is Cece?” I texted.

“Yoga at 2,” Sierra texted.

“Aw. Not cool,” I texted.

“I spot her friend in the back,” Sierra texted.

“Why didn't you tell me, sugar?” Cara texted. I turned and caught Melissa's eye. We waved hello. Then Henrietta, to my surprise, smiled and waved to me too. When I turned back around, Mrs. Gates was up on her feet in Mountain pose. Then she started the Vinyasa. A break from the gossip, my gossip, until later.

It would appear that my thoughts at gym were premature. Cara beat me to the lunchroom. I walked up to the glass double doors. There Cara was, with lunch and a box in tow. “Let's ditch lunch. I got us a serving of the best Thai food in town and a board game.” Cara said.

“A game?” I said.

“Nothing like a game of Operation to take your mind off the break-up blues, sugar.” Cara turned me about face. Then she grabbed my arm and led me away to an
empty homeroom. I had been kidnapped! By Cara! The silly part was that it was the first time I had felt at ease all day. The painful pinch in my stomach had gone away.

I was ashamed to admit that I had never played Operation before. “My mother and I used to play this all the time,” Cara said. That was only the second time she'd ever brought up the subject of her mom.

Lunch went by in a flash. When Cara packed up the game and announced it was sixth period, I had felt like I had just stepped off a time machine. I hadn't looked at my watch once like I usually did to keep an eye on the time during lunch. Every time the man's nose lit up, I'd lose. I was finally getting the hang of it. I had the heart in the palm of my hand. Cara looked at me curiously. I opened my hand to put it in the box. Cara closed it back. “You can keep it. I'll keep the game in my locker for the next time. With boys, always keep their heart in your hand. Not the other way around,” she said.

“I'll see you,” I said. Were those really words of wisdom?

The rest of school was surprisingly bearable. The pinch did come back. But having that little heart was helpful. I pretended it was Noel's. I saw Merek right before I walked into the door of my eighth period class. I felt sad and confused. All those video diaries I complained about, suddenly I wished I could see the one of his first day of school. This was bad. Very murky.

After eighth period, my African American Lit class was full of soft La-Z-Boy chairs and a large round table. I couldn't see the faces of some of the students when they were answering questions. The confusion only sent me to the bathroom.

I decided to head to the sixth-floor wheelchair bathroom. I hoped that it hadn't undergone some Martha Stewart-style makeover. I hadn't checked my phone since before lunch. I pulled it out of my bag to find like 15 messages from Sierra. “I can't believe you ditched us for lunch and now you're not answering,” she texted. After reading the first one, I didn't bother reading the rest. I was sad enough. I didn't need to feel bad about not eating with the twins.

“Tell me you weren't bawling in the bathroom without me and Si. We would be there for you. Put your world back together,” Frenchy texted. I saw there was a text from Merek. It was then that I threw my phone back in my bag.

The bathroom was clear. Not a girl in sight. I slowly closed the door behind me. I leaned against it for support. I didn't know how long I stood against that door—until I stopping feeling like I was going to pass out. I felt like a bad person. Merek was clearly so upset with me. I thought I was doing right by him. But it felt so wrong. It was like it wasn't me. I wasn't a heartbreaker. It was only a few minutes later that I got the idea that I needed fresh air. I was a good girl, a good student. I went back to class.

The next period came quickly. I found myself just standing in the hallway peering out the window at the sun. I should not have been skipping my study period. I checked my watch. It was 20 minutes after 2 p.m. I could still waltz into the library, I thought.

I took my last deep breath. I turned around. Then I jumped back. Cara was standing literally on my heels. “Gosh, sugar,” she said.

“What?” I asked. She smiled and shook her head. She didn't know it, but she was the last person I expected to be in there. “How did you find me?”

“Girl has her ways. I have something phenomenal planned for us.” She yet again grabbed me by the arm and led me away.

Next thing I knew, we were downstairs in front of the school. The fresh air hit me like a ton of bricks. The driver of a white Rolls-Royce came to us and took off his hat. Cara smiled. “Good afternoon, Cara,” he said.

“This is Milan,” she said.

“Pleased to meet you, Milan,” he said. He walked over and opened the backseat door.

“Sweet ride,” I said.

“Daddy's Christmas gift,” Cara said.

“This is your car,” I said.

“Silly. This breakup has you all turned about,” Cara said.

I checked Merek's text message. “Don't give up on me. I'm fixing us. I need you,” he texted.

I was a bad girlfriend. Give up? I wasn't giving up, was I? I looked at Cara. She sat quietly, sort of neatly arranged, as if she were posing. She peered out the window at the snow-laden sidewalks of Fifth. I was a bad girlfriend to Noel, too. That is probably why he didn't want me back. It was then I realized that he maybe didn't love me. I could have gone back to see him. Since when did I listen to Daddy? Would he love me more if I had gone to boarding school for him? I always knew he would come home. I had waited. It just didn't seem to be enough.