Broken (19 page)

I'd been awake since 2 a.m. I fell asleep somewhere around 10 p.m. in a puddle of tears. I dressed in the morning with purpose. I was on a mission. This time, though, I was taking a car. It took about two and a half hours to get there. The whole way, I focused my mind on getting some answers. Was that him yesterday? Was he still in love with me? I didn't really want to know the answer. Yet I was beginning to feel I couldn't live without the answer.

As we drove across the sprawling campus from the library to the quad, it all started to remind me of a dream. A panic rushed through my blood. I had seen it all before. Déjà vu was strangely eerie to me. The first few months after Mama died, I used to dream of her. I would go to places I had seen her or been with her in my dreams. We had never been there before in real life. Still, they felt so familiar. I felt just a little closer to her.

We pulled up at the quad. I hurried out of the limo without waiting a moment for the driver to open my door. This was the moment I had been waiting for. The epic return! The air was crisp. The sun was just right. Everything was sweetened by the colorful blue birds perched on the tree above me.

The quad was full of fresh, green bushes surrounded by pink and red tulips. A gigantic oak tree with a wooden swing marked the front of the Harriston Dorm, just like the librarian said. She had that look in her eyes. I knew she knew who I was. I couldn't help but wonder if she would look at me the same if she really knew who I was.

It was hard not to feel like there wasn't one degree of separation between me and everyone else. My secret did that to me sometimes. No matter how hard I tried, it still made me feel very different. My therapist used to say we were all connected. I was waiting to experience that.

Scenarios ran across my mind at speed of light: Noel pushing me on the swing, me chasing him around the quad, him scooping me up in his arms and carrying me up the stairs of Harriston. My phone was vibrating in my denim miniskirt pocket. I turned my phone off. I was sure it was someone or the other asking why I wasn't in gym right now. Hmmm, gym class or Noel … that was simple.

There was a knowing feeling in my heart that despite my wishes, things weren't going to go the way I thought. Was it intuition or fear? I knew I couldn't back down now to fear. I had come all this way. A couple walked out of Harriston, arm and arm, right past the swing. The boy slowly entangled his fingers in hers. She smiled. She pulled his forehead to hers. Their noses touched. Eskimo kisses. Mama used to give me Eskimo kisses when I was really little.

I walked with a pep. I had lingered too long. There was passion in my heart. I could feel myself sweating a little. Good thing I had decided to wear a camisole. I wanted him just as much as I wanted air. I started to jog up the stairs and through the door. Some guy slowed me down. He brushed past me and out the door I opened for myself. Out he ran to a waiting car. I rushed up to the front desk. I waited one Mississippi, then two Mississippi. Wasn't the resident in charge supposed to be manning the desk? At least, that's what the guard at the main hall said.

I quietly roamed the first floor, praying that I would run into someone. I was sort of kicking myself for having brushed past that guy outside in haste to get to this supposed resident assistant person. And the resident assistant was nowhere to be found. I could have asked that guy. Maybe I was being ridiculous. He was probably on a bathroom break.

I spotted a staircase to the second floor. Yes! Right at the top of the stairs, I spotted another human being. I walked up to him. And he almost walked right past me. I grabbed him by the arm. He looked at me blank in the face. “Excuse me!”

“Yeah.”

“Hi. Do you know Noel?”

He was slow to answer. “Noel? Yeah.”

“Yes! Where's his room?” He looked at me kind of funny. He furrowed his brow and then looked away for a moment. “I'm surprising him.” Why did I just say that?

“On the third floor. It's the last one down the hall.”

“Thanks.” I turned back toward the stairs. I started to jog up the stairs when someone grabbed me. It was the guy.

“I said you won't find him there.”

“What?”

“He went with a couple dudes from Peterson to the mall.”

“When?”

“Now,” he said.

“Thanks!”

“I've seen you before.”

“I know. Hi.”

“Are you his ex?” he asked.

“What?”

“Never mind.” Had Noel told people about me? And called me his ex? Oh, my god! Time was running out. I just darted past him down the stairs.

By the time I got to the front door, I could barely fight the tears in my eyes. Was I just his ex? I stepped outside and nearly lost my breath. There he was, holding the door for her. She looked at him as if she was annoyed. He looked so much the same. Just like yesterday. Though the smile he was giving her was nothing like I remembered it.

I opened my mouth. I desperately wanted to call his name. Hot tears ran down my cheeks as I stood there speechless. I could feel them welling up in my chest again. I loved him. I
really did. Wasn't it real? How could it be like this? This wasn't right. But who could I complain to? Millions of prayers unanswered.

The walk back to the limo was surreal. I was barely there. The moment I touched the car door, I felt myself grabbing onto it for dear life. My legs got weak. The driver got out of the limo and started to walk around to my side. I jumped in the car. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. I fumbled through my bag for a pair of sunglasses. It took several seconds for me to even speak. Though I couldn't hear him, I knew he was going to ask me “Where to?” I cleared my throat with hopes I wouldn't sound half as destroyed as I felt. “Home, please,” I said.

I desperately hoped he had not given his heart to her. If our love was real, in some parallel universe that was all our own, we belonged to each other—he and I. I had never given my heart to Merek. I couldn't if I tried. It was forever Noel's. I felt so stupid. By the time I made it down the stairs, the car was about to pull off. If only I went to his room straight away, I might have caught him. I watched as my courage became worthless, much like beauty without a heart. My heart was with him and I watched it speed away into the distance.

It wasn't until we hit the FDR that I began to wonder if this was a wasted day. While I still wasn't sure about what happened yesterday, I was sure now, though. I couldn't give up. What if this was part of our destiny? I knew now more than ever, after the tears, after the headache. He had to be mine. How could I love him so much if he was not to return?

As determined as I pretended to be, I had a side that was too disciplined for my own good. It angered me a bit. Clearly, I could have gone to see him any time I wanted to over the past two years. My father's authority rested only in my mind, not over my person! Every which way I looked at things concerning Noel, I felt foolish.

I shook my head, confused. I feared the growing insolence inside of me could not be quieted for much longer. Was this really me, sneaking around and hiding from my friends? My limo pulled up at the house around 1:30. School wasn't out for another hour. Yet still my eyes met a fresh auburn-locked diva with blond lowlight extensions, brown Undercover Starlet sunglasses, and the tightest uniform skirt above 57th. “Pull around the corner,” I told the driver. What was Cara doing waiting for me? “Never mind,” I said. I had to catch myself. Was it normal for me to assume she was waiting for me when, after all, she was dating my brother? Maybe she was waiting for him to come down or pull his car around. The driver opened my door. Prematurely, might I add. I was hoping for some more time in contemplation. The moment she saw me and I saw her, I knew it. She was there for me. The driver helped me out of the car. I guess I wasn't getting out fast enough. He'd be scared too, if he knew Cara was there waiting for him.

“Doll face!” She gave me double air kisses. Then she took a step back to see what I was wearing. It took all the restraint I had to keep from rolling my eyes. I did have sunglasses on, though—who'd know even if I did? “We all need a break from uniform, don't we?”

“Yes … I agree … I'm just … stopping in before I head downtown.”

“Lunch?”

“No, I have plans.” How ridiculous was it for me to lie to her? I still wasn't sure if we were friends or not. “Where's Dimitri?”

“Yeah.” She looked at her watch, then her cell phone. Then she looked up.

“Right here?” She looked surprised to see him. Weird. I looked over my shoulder and, sure enough, there he was making a U-turn on Park. I took my cell phone out to turn it on while I conveniently walked past her. Hopefully, he would keep her occupied.

I smiled at the doorman and hurried to the elevator. I hoped I wouldn't have to ride with Dimitri and Cara upstairs. They'd only be all over each other as if I wasn't even there. Just rude!

I had like 20 text messages, most of which were from Sierra. Her last text message read: “Frenchy said Cara's going to your house for lunch? You home?”

“Yes, am home now.”

“Now?” she texted.

“Had a couple of things to do this morning.”

“Cara just texted Frenchy that you weren't in your dad's car. Shoot today?”

“No, some other stuff.”

“Had a staircase run-in,” she texted.

“Who?”

“Skater boy.”

“OMG, kissy-kiss-kiss.”

“Nah, may hang out after school today and study. Merek was looking for you,” she texted.

“Thanks, I'll hit him up. Going to nap now.” I was really tired. I didn't know what to do. I thought Merek might want to hang out later. I didn't think I'd be able to kiss him ever again after seeing Noel.

Some days, a full day of school felt worse than a 16-hour photo shoot. Senior year was definitely the hardest year yet. I'd found myself studying in the library during lunch every day. Merek spent lunch with me every day except for today. Today he had to leave school early for a college visit. He and his parents had started touring colleges: Duke, University of Maryland, Harvard, U Penn, Penn State, Dartmouth, Yale, Avery, and NYU. He had such a long list. He was almost done with his application essays. While I toiled away catching up for my Biology midterm, he leisurely wrote three different essays. Then he asked me to read them and give him my opinion. I had to add his essays to my pile of homework for the weekend!

Sierra and I were riding home together. She was going to sleep over tonight because we'd barely had anytime to speak this week. I was also still waiting for her to tell me about Dimitri being in her class at Fordham. It was odd of her to keep such a thing a secret. But I guess we all had them.

“We just touched down in Boston. I'm sooo ready for this,” Merek texted.

“Take some pictures of you on campus for me,” I texted.

“I hope you'll be holed up at your castle this weekend. It's the first place I'll be when I get back Sunday,” he texted. Oddly, after being with him all week at lunch, in between classes and seeing him after dinner for dessert on Wednesday and Thursday, I was still missing him a little. The fact that he brought me dessert because I had to stay home and study was so nice. At the same time, there was always a little guilt in my heart.

“I'll have dessert waiting.”

“You cook?”

“No, I buy!”

“LOL. I will still love it. Save wet kisses for me
.”

Other than stealing free hotel rooms, this guy was sort of perfect. It was hard for me to swallow that he was perfect for this girl. I just wasn't ready to give up my secret dream.

Sierra spent most of the 15-minute ride home texting some girl from her Fordham class about the exam they had the night before. Night school was something I did not want to take in college. It would make it that much harder for me to get up in the morning. After my first few 6 a.m. calls, I realized I wasn't a morning person. The coffee on set was
always the worst, which meant I had to leave my house extra early to get a cup of Noel's most hated brand. The place that makes my beloved lattes with syrup. I even found a Pinterest receipt for a cotton candy frap once. Yum!