Brides of Idaho (50 page)

Rudy stared after her. She certainly swung from prickly to helpful with the speed of a raging fire. But her suggestion was perfect, and he knew exactly what he’d make… a cart that functioned like a wheelbarrow so she could move firewood and other loads with little effort.

But now he needed to help her with the meal as he’d promised. “Freddy, Joanna needs our help.”

Freddy lowered the cat to a stool and took his time about saying good-bye to her. Rudy studied the pair. Seems he’d need to consider getting Freddy a pet when they settled someplace. A pet seemed to bring out a gentle side in the boy. “Wash up. Joanna wouldn’t want you handling the food with dirty hands.”

Freddy spared him a scowl. “I was gonna wash without you telling me.”

“Sorry. No offense meant.”

Freddy headed for the washstand without acknowledging Rudy’s apology. Rudy scrubbed good, too, then they went into the kitchen.

“How can we help?”

“The table needs to be set.” She glanced out the window. “Not many here tonight. Set it for twelve.”

Rudy counted out the tin plates and handed them to Freddy then grabbed handfuls of cutlery and followed. The next few minutes were busy with preparing the table. By the time they finished, Joanna was ready to let the men in. She glanced at Freddy and seemed to make up her mind on something.

“Freddy, why don’t you collect the money? All you have to do is stand at the door. Everyone drops in the same amount. Here.” She handed him the can.

Freddy’s chest expanded enough to threaten the seams on his shirt, and he favored Joanna with a wide smile as he took the can. But the look he sent Rudy’s direction did not include a smile. The boy couldn’t have been plainer about what he meant by the set of his mouth. He wanted Rudy to know he liked doing things for Miss Joanna. He wouldn’t willingly, eagerly, do them for Rudy.

The knowledge cut through Rudy’s thoughts, leaving a jagged wound. Why should he care so much? They were stuck together and had to make the best of it. No reason to expect more. He didn’t need the boy’s affection. Didn’t need approval from anyone.

Joanna touched his arm.

The brush of her fingers soothed his troubled feelings.

“He’s afraid and thinks if he can stay angry at you, he can’t be hurt if you leave.”

“I’m not leaving him.”

“Does he know that?”

“He should.”

“Sometimes a person needs to hear it said.”

“I don’t believe words mean anything. Actions are what matters.” He’d tried to make it clear, but Freddy didn’t believe him.

Her low laughter was musical and sweet. “Both matter.”

The men began to file in, and there was no more time for discussion. Rudy was grateful. Or so he told himself. But inside him a longing, full of dark emptiness, made itself felt. Words. Only one person had ever given him words of affection and commitment… Betty. They meant nothing. So why did an empty spot in his heart practically beg for words?

He snorted at his foolish thinking and headed for the kitchen, where he took a big bowl of potatoes and carried them to the table. As he returned to get another bowl of food, Joanna headed for the dining room with a pitcher of gravy. They met in the doorway and as they passed, their shoulders brushed.

“Sorry,” he murmured. He should have waited for her to go first.

“Not a problem.”

Their gazes caught and held, and that empty spot opened its hungry mouth. She smiled, and a frisson of light entered the darkness.

“No need to be nervous around me,” she said, her voice singing through his thoughts. “I’m not going to bite you.”

He chuckled more out of confusion than amusement and hurried to take the platter of meat from the warming oven.

No, she might not bite, but she was going to leave. Why did it matter one way or the other if she seemed anxious to be on her way? It didn’t. Except… Well, except he wondered if she really wanted to go. Or was she driven by the same spirit her wandering father had?

She said a person needed a reason to stay.

What would be enough reason for her?

He dismissed the question and forced himself to focus on the meal.

Joanna certainly knew how to prepare an abundance of tasty food. He’d never heard a word of complaint from any of those sitting around the table, and tonight was no exception. The stopping house wouldn’t be the same without her. Especially if someone bought it with the idea of serving beans and bannock every meal. He ducked his head to hide a smile.

Seems a shame for the eldest buffalo gal to abandon Bonners Ferry.

But it was none of his concern, and he’d do well to remember it.

Monday afternoon, when it looked like Joanna had a few minutes to spare, Rudy appealed to her. “Freddy needs new clothes. The ones he has are either too small or practically worn out.” Mostly they were both. “I’ve never purchased things for anyone but myself. Would you come with us to help?”

“I’ve never bought things for a boy.”

“You still know more about it than I do. After all, you raised two younger sisters.” He refrained from referring to them as the buffalo gals, but it tickled him to think of them as such.

She laughed. “Seems you should remember being a little boy better than I would.”

He let himself drink from her smile.

“You were a small boy once, were you not?”

Her words forced him back to that time, and his heart clenched as if someone squeezed it with a giant, cruel fist. “I prefer not to recall those days.”

Her eyes narrowed, and she studied him.

He would not allow himself to turn from her gaze but did his best to keep his face void of emotion. He failed miserably. The memories flooded his insides as if a dam of contaminated water had broken free.

The concern in her eyes said he hadn’t disguised his feelings.

“Rudy.” She touched his arm, and her touch warred with the raging pain until he feared his insides would explode. “What happened?”

He knew she meant what happened in his childhood to create a maelstrom of emotions that he couldn’t hide. He clamped his teeth together. He would not spill the truth. It belonged in the past. But the words erupted unbidden, uncensored. “I wasn’t wanted. Joe was a year older, and my mother’s world revolved around him. I was only an added inconvenience.”
Stop. Stop. Stop.

But the words continued to pour forth. “She had words for me, all right. Every day she spoke them. ‘Get out of my sight.’ ‘Don’t hurt your brother.’ ‘Don’t bother me.’ ‘I wish you were never born.’”

Joanna’s eyes glistened. “Rudy, how awful.”

Finally, mercifully, the words stopped. But the pain boiled within him. He should have never lifted the lid.

Joanna led him to the table, and he bent wooden knees to sit on a chair.

“Rudy, no wonder you run.”

“I don’t run.”

“You leave. It’s the same thing. But you can’t outrun your pain. Maybe you need to stop trying.”

“This from a woman who can’t wait to get out of here.” His voice sounded bitter even to his own ears, but how could she offer advice when she was leaving on the first train? So what if there wasn’t a train? She had other means of transportation to choose from.

“I’m not leaving to run away from my feelings. I’m going to look for another business.”

“I suppose if you tell yourself that often enough, you believe it.”

She pursed her mouth. But he pressed on.

“You’re leaving because your sisters no longer need you, and without them you don’t know what to do with yourself. You don’t know how to be Joanna without being the big sister.” He couldn’t explain where the words came from, but once spoken, he knew them to be true.

She pushed to her feet. “How do we end up arguing like this? I only wanted to express my sympathy and sorrow.”

Rudy’s mouth dropped open. Why should she care how he felt?

She must have read the disbelief in his face. “Yes, sorrow. It hurts me to think of you as a little boy feeling unloved. Worse, being told you were unwanted.”

Her anger fled, and her eyes again filled with a softness that made him want to yell. Fill the air with curses at the way he’d been treated. Let his pain erupt into dark and angry words.

“Rudy, someone needs to love the hurting away.” She blinked and lowered her gaze as if she’d said more than she meant.

And his heart leaped like a deer in fresh green pasture.

“Or maybe you need to love someone else to heal it.” She jerked toward the window. “There’s a little boy who seems as hurt by his upbringing as you were. The difference being you can change it. You can love him and prevent him from growing up to feel like you do.”

Had she suspected what he’d seen? That his mother treated Freddy much as she’d treated Rudy. Could he undo the damage?

His heart went out to the youngster who had no one but him—a man who didn’t know how to love.

Could he learn how?

Or was it too late?

Such thoughts were too confusing. Too troubling. Time to get back to normal. “Will you come shopping with us?”

“Certainly. When?”

“No time like the present.”

She nodded and went to get a purse of coins and a basket. “I’ll pick up a few things, too.”

They went outside and called Freddy, who ran to join them. “Where we going?”

“Shopping for something for you to wear,” Rudy said. But if he thought Freddy would show a little interest, he would wait in vain.

Together they trooped toward the mercantile. Rudy and Joanna walked side by side while Freddy ran ahead, dashing back and forth. And despite his best resolution to do otherwise, Rudy let himself think how nice it would be if Joanna stayed. If he stayed. And if they saw each other often. Maybe daily. And shopping trips like this became a regular activity.

He shook his head. When had a trip to the store ever seemed like a big event? He must be sickening with something to be so muddle brained.

J
oanna tried to retain her anger at Rudy for suggesting she didn’t know how to manage on her own. She wasn’t running away from her life because she didn’t think she was needed anymore. What nonsense.

She quickened her pace toward the mercantile, but she struggled to dredge up any remnant of her anger. How could she be upset, knowing that Rudy’s mother had told him he was unwanted? How dreadful. What kind of mother would say such cruel things? No wonder Rudy did his best to act like he had no feelings for anyone.

She glanced sideways at him. Right now he seemed cheerful. But she’d seen how Freddy’s bad attitude wounded him, and she knew underneath the surface of the footloose, fancy-free man lay a hurting, needy heart.

Her arms ached to hold and comfort him… which she refused to admit. However, he and Freddy must find a way to love each other. Two hurting people from the same home. She almost cried aloud at the thought that Freddy had been treated the same way as Rudy. She vowed she would help them any way she could. With God’s help. This must be why the sale of the stopping house had fallen through… to give her a chance to show these two how to love each other.

They reached the store. Rudy held the door open for her, and she couldn’t avoid brushing his chest as she squeezed through. A zing of something resembling joy raced through her heart. It would be fun, satisfying, to see Rudy and Freddy get past their hurt.

The scent of lemon oil, old cheese, and jute rope greeted them. She paused to allow her eyes to adjust to the dimmer interior of the building. Rudy hovered behind her, so close she could feel the warmth from his body and smell a heart-stirring mixture of leather and hay.

Freddy made a beeline for the ready-made wear. “I’m getting new clothes,” he announced to the storekeeper.

“Well, well, that’s good news for both of us.” Rubbing his hands together, the man hurried to Freddy’s side. He eyed the boy up and down. “You’ll be wanting trousers and shirts and new boots, too, I’d say.” He glanced at the two adults. “Good morning, Miss Joanna. Are you with this boy?”

Joanna finally found the ability to step forward. She introduced Rudy. “Freddy’s uncle.”

The storekeeper shook hands then began to sort through the stack of clothes. “I don’t carry a lot of children’s items, but I can certainly order anything you need, and it will come from Sand Point in two days’ time. But here is a pair of trousers that should fit the young man.” He held them up to Freddy’s waist.

Rudy turned a questioning look toward Joanna, and she nodded.

“They look fine,” he said. “Any shirts?”

There was a dark gray one that fit.

“That should be serviceable,” Joanna said. “Won’t show the dirt too quickly.”

Rudy chuckled. “I hadn’t thought of that, but no doubt it’s something I need to keep in mind. Now what else does he need?”

The storekeeper leaned forward, eager to offer suggestions, but Rudy waited for Joanna to answer. So she and Rudy and Freddy had a little conference. She listed what she thought was essential—underwear, socks, boots—

“He’ll soon need a decent winter coat.”

Freddy rocked from foot to foot, his attention glued to the glass-fronted display case toward the front of the store.