Brides of Idaho (46 page)

“I hear ya. Loud and clear. No need to hammer the subject to death.”

“I’m not.” So he didn’t really understand a thing. She had just told him everything about how it feels to be alone and unwanted, and he didn’t even care. The words of protest were hot on her lips. “You’re way too much like my pa. Just about the time I think we might be learning to be friends, you jerk back. Surprised you don’t throw your things on the back of that horse and ride away.” She gave him a look that should have melted him on the spot.

But he laughed.

She stared, trying to decide if she wanted to stomp away or kick dirt at him.

He didn’t give her a chance to do either. Instead, he closed the distance between them and caught her shoulders. “Joanna, there seems one thing I can count on with you. You’ll never leave me guessing how you feel.” He grew serious and looked into her eyes.

She held his gaze without blinking. Try as she might, she couldn’t sort her thoughts into neat array. Something about this man slipped past her defenses and made her long for things she had vowed she didn’t want.

“It’s nice to know I can count on something from someone,” he murmured then planted a kiss on her forehead. He jerked back.

She was appalled. Appalled by his behavior, appalled by the way her heart leaped to her throat at his kiss.

“I shouldn’t have done that.” Avoiding her eyes, he grabbed up a canvas-covered roll and tied it to the saddle.

Bad enough to be kissed in a fatherly way. Worse to have her heart do strange things. But the worst of all was getting an apology. “Don’t ever kiss me again and apologize for it.” She stalked over to him. “As if I’m a mistake. As if I don’t deserve any sign of affection.”

He turned to face her. “You are not a mistake. After all, if you weren’t here, who would keep nagging me to prove to Freddy that I want to be friends?”

Her eyes burned with a thousand things—disappointments from the past, feeling she could never live up to her pa’s expectation. Pa always left with a warning that she was responsible for her sisters. She knew now his leaving and his warning had nothing to do with her or how well she managed. It was only his way of shifting his responsibility to her shoulders. Yet the remnants of uncertainty lingered.

“Joanna, don’t push me. I have nothing to offer. I’m a rootless cowboy who is about to see if he can settle down. But I can’t make promises. You’re right when you say I’m like your pa. Keep that in mind.”

She flung away. “Believe me, I’m not about to forget it. Not that it matters one way or the other.” Except it did. Or it would if she let it. But she wasn’t going to. She’d had enough dealings with men who rode in and out of her life without more than a hasty good-bye. “One man like Pa is more than enough in my life.”

He watched her, his expression guarded.

Seeing the resigned look on his face, she wanted to pull her words back. But once spoken, words could not be withdrawn. Maybe she could try and undo the harm they’d wrought. “I’m sorry. I’ve hurt you, and I have no right to do so. You don’t deserve it. I overreacted. I’m sure you aren’t the least bit like my pa. Not if you’re willing to make an effort to do something for Freddy. I hope you can forgive me for my outburst.”

He could have been made out of wood for all the emotion he showed.

“Rudy?” She edged closer. “Are you so angry at me you can’t forgive?” She was close enough to see his eyes. In the dim light she thought they appeared wider than normal. Shocked? Had she surprised him with her apology? Or was he so angry he couldn’t think? Why had she thought anything she said would make a difference one way or the other? Maybe she was thinking of her pa again. She seemed to have him and Rudy mixed up in her mind. Yes, Rudy reminded her of her pa. But he wasn’t the same. She shook her head, trying to clear the confusion. “Rudy, I’m truly sorry.”

He shook himself. A thin smile curved his mouth. “No one has ever said they were sorry for hurting me before.”

She chuckled. “Does that mean you forgive me?”

“It sure does.” His grin widened until it crinkled his eyes. “Lady, it sure does. Now let’s get back to your house.” He held the lantern high as they navigated the trail.

Happiness bubbled inside Joanna. It felt good to know she’d made peace with Rudy. And yet part of her heart felt tight and anxious. She knew the risks of caring too much. She wasn’t about to make that mistake.

J
oanna and Rudy slipped through the kitchen door. He dropped the bedrolls to the floor. The big dining room was dim, the table where they’d eaten had been shoved to one side, the benches pushed beneath it. Only one lamp burned as a man read. A chorus of snores shattered the silence.

Joanna sighed as she led him into the kitchen. The room was warm from the big range on one side and the smells of home cooking and wash water. A set of cupboards filled the better part of two walls. In daylight, a generous window would allow a view of the ferry and travelers. “Sure glad we don’t hear that racket in the bedroom.” She tipped her head toward the closed door indicating the room she meant. “Will you be able to sleep?”

He brought his thoughts back to her question. “We’ll be fine.” His gaze shifted to the table where Freddy sat with three young women. Cora, he’d met. The other two must be Joanna’s sisters. They eyed him suspiciously.

He went to Freddy. “Glad to see you’re okay.”

Freddy spared him a glower then gave him a good view of his back.

Rudy pretended it didn’t hurt and quirked an eyebrow at Joanna. He hoped she could see he’d tried. Freddy had made his feelings pretty evident.

She lifted one shoulder as if to suggest he would have to be patient. But his patience had about run out.

“Rudy, meet my sisters.”

They were cordial enough, but he felt much like a horse about to be sold to the highest bidder. He returned look for look, measuring and assessing every bit as much as they did. All three sisters had the same challenging gaze. All three dressed like women of the West, which, of course, they were. “Took you long enough to find him,” Glory said.

Mandy continued her blatant study of him. “Thought you might have had to run him to the ground ten miles down the road.”

Joanna laughed. “Found him up the hill toward the mission. Of course, it wasn’t the first place I looked. Freddy, he was some worried about you.”

Freddy shrugged. “I can take care of myself.”

Glory hooted. “I remember being ten. Thought I could do anything. Mostly I tried to.”

Freddy perked up. “What’d you do?”

Mandy nudged Glory. “Don’t be filling the boy’s head with your wild stories.” She turned to Freddy. “She thought if she proved to everyone she wasn’t afraid of anything, she might convince herself. But she had the same fear the rest of us had.”

Rudy gave the youngest sister more careful study. She’d set the bait and reeled it out most wisely. Now she just had to wait for the bite.

And it was almost instant. “What were you afraid of?”

“Being left. Our Pa had a habit of riding away. Most times he made some sort of arrangement for us while he was gone but not always. Once we came home from school and the house was empty. The landlord wouldn’t let us stay. We didn’t know where to go. I was really worried, but Joanna told me not to fret. She’d find us a place.” She gave her older sister a look full of admiration and affection.

A tremendous amount of responsibility had been thrust on Joanna. And from what she’d said, she wouldn’t have been more than about fourteen. Small wonder she felt so strongly about men living up to their responsibilities. Somewhere deep inside a conviction rooted itself to bedrock. He would do his best to never let her down.

Freddy seemed to consider Mandy’s words.

Joanna sat at Freddy’s side. “You have your uncle Rudy to take care of you, so you don’t have to worry.”

“I’m not worried. I can take care of myself.”

Glory leaned back and eyed the boy. “It’s a good thing you don’t have to. How would you feed yourself? And don’t say you’d steal it. Not everyone would be so generous as Joanna.”

“He worked for me to pay for it, and I’m satisfied.” Joanna lifted her hands to signal the end of the discussion. “Now hadn’t you two better be getting home before your husbands come looking for you?”

“Oh, didn’t we tell you?” Glory pretended to look surprised. “We told them we were spending the night. In case it’s the last time we can all be together here.”

Joanna grinned widely. “That’s a great idea.”

Rudy had sunk to the corner of the bench next to Joanna and now pushed to his feet. “Come along, Freddy, so these ladies can go to bed.”

“Aw. I don’t want to go.”

“You don’t have to. I brought our sleeping rolls. We’ll sleep here, and in the morning we’ll do chores for Miss Joanna and help her out.”

The announcement brought a sudden silence to the table. Cora and the two younger sisters stared at Rudy then shifted their gazes to Joanna.

“Yes, I asked if he and Freddy could help. I’ll need to leave things shipshape for Mr. Tisdale.”

“Good.” Freddy swung away from the table. “At least I get good food here.”

Rudy knew it was the closest thing to thanks he could expect. But he paused at Joanna’s side before he left the room. “Thank you for doing this.”

He bade the others good night, and he and Freddy retired to the other room. Freddy curled up on his mat, pulled the covers over his head, and was soon breathing deeply.

Sleep did not come so easily for Rudy as he reviewed the events of the day. He tried to get comfortable, but his thoughts swirled. It was only this morning he met Joanna, and yet he felt as if he’d known her a long time. She likely knew more about him than any of his other acquaintances. He crossed his hands behind his head and studied the darkened ceiling. No one else had ever heard the story of how Joe and Betty hurt him. In fact, he’d not even admitted it to himself. Just rode away without a backward look. If not for Ma, he likely wouldn’t have ever returned to the only home he’d ever known. But with Betty living there and Freddy growing from a squalling baby to a toddling two-year-old to a little boy proud for his first day at school, even his brief visits were awkward.

Had Joanna likewise told him more than she’d confessed to others?

He smiled into the darkness. What had come over him to kiss her on the forehead? The feeling was so unfamiliar he didn’t even know what to call it.

She made him believe things could be better between him and Freddy. She was prepared to make it happen, even though she had her hands full with getting ready to sell the place. From what he’d seen of her sisters, she managed to help them overcome their fears and likely a degree of anger. Maybe she’d succeed with Freddy equally as well.

She was some kind of woman.

Joanna and Mandy lay side by side in one bed, Cora and Glory in the other. Joanna was tired but knew there would be little sleep tonight. Her sisters seemed set on recounting their many adventures.

Glory reminded them how she and Mandy would hide in the woods and sneak up on each other. “Mandy got to be a lot sneakier than me, though.”

Cora laughed. “That’s how she caught Trace—sneaking up on him in the woods.”

Mandy snorted. “Took a lot more effort than that.”

They all laughed.

Glory rolled around, twisting the blankets. Cora complained about her letting in the cold air.

“I have to look at my sister so I can talk to her.”

“You can’t see her in the dark,” Cora protested.

“Which sister?” Mandy and Joanna asked in unison.

“Joanna, what are you doing asking Rudy to work for you? I thought you were going to set him straight about Freddy.”

Joanna smiled into the dark, grateful the others couldn’t see her face. Little did they know how far her conversation with Rudy had veered from talk of Freddy. Something inside her had shifted. Perhaps because, for the first time ever, she’d told someone exactly how difficult it had been to be the eldest of the sisters, responsible to keep them safe.

“Answer the question,” Glory said.

“What better way to make sure he takes responsibility for Freddy than having him where I can keep an eye on him? Besides, I might be able to help him find a way to connect with the boy.”

Glory snorted. “You’ll end up excusing his behavior just like you always do for Pa.”

Joanna wished she could explain. For too many years she’d acted as buffer between her sisters and the hurtfulness of Pa’s behavior. She had tried her best to explain him, and she couldn’t stop doing it now. “I’m sure Pa was only doing what he thought best.”

“For him. But not for us. Never for us.” Glory sighed. “But it doesn’t bother me the way it used to. Why should it when I have a man like Levi to love me? He’d never walk out on me.”

Mandy found Joanna’s hand and squeezed it. “Jo, I don’t like to think you might be taking on another mothering job with Freddy. You’ve taken care of us for years. You deserve to follow your own dreams now.”

“Thanks, honey. That’s exactly what I intend to do. Rudy knows this arrangement is only until I leave. Perhaps by then he and Freddy will be getting along.”