Breathe (5 page)

“What?”

  I wasn’t about to tell him what was on my mind so I tried to distract him.  

“I can’t believe I am actually here.  It has been years since I’ve been to the beach.” 

Wow.  That sounded kind of sad.  Maybe I should have stuck with “I was just thinking how incredibly adorable you look with your hair that way”.  Yeah, no, I would just have to settle for sad and pathetic.  Logan just shook his head but being the gentleman that he was he let it go.

“Alright, I am going to help you out because you’ve got to be stiff after sitting there for almost four hours.  You ready?” 

I didn’t answer.  My jaw dropped.  FOUR HOURS!!!  It took an hour and a half to get there, so that meant I slept for over two hours.  It was later than I thought. 

“You sat in the car for two hours while I slept?  Why didn’t you wake me up?”   

“I knew you needed the sleep.  I had the ocean and a beautiful girl to look at, I have no complaints.”  

I turned a brilliant shade of red at that point.  I wasn’t used to getting compliments.  If you get called an ugly worthless whore long enough you start to believe it.  

Logan was a nice guy trying to make me feel better in an awkward situation.  I knew I wasn’t beautiful.  My crazy curly hair was constantly going in a million different directions.  I decided long ago to just to go with it, taming it was futile.  I was ridiculously short, most of the time people thought I was twelve instead of fifteen. 

My only vanity was my eyes.  They were huge, almond shaped and an unusual shade of light green.  The rest of me was fairly boring.  The popular girls at school probably thought I needed to lose ten or fifteen pounds.   My body type would never be the stick thin ideal most girls my age aspired to.  Being fashionable was never high on my list of priorities. 

Sometimes, I was jealous of my classmates whose biggest problems consisted of whether they passed last week’s algebra test or who would ask them to the homecoming dance.  I had other things to obsess about, like staying as invisible as possible so I could dodge Jack’s abuse.  Instead of dreaming about the perfect boyfriend or a career, I dreamed about leaving home.  I just wanted to find a place where I could live without fear or anxiety, somewhere I could feel safe.  Long ago, I accepted the fact that the place I dreamed of would not include my mom.  It broke my heart to think of leaving her there with Jack, but I knew I could never convince her to leave.  I had save myself.

Once Logan helped me out of the car, I took a few stilted steps to the beach but actually sitting on the sand was another question entirely.  I painfully made it to my knees on the sand and that was going to be as close as I got to sitting for our picnic.  Logan knelt beside me and handed me my sandwich.  The sun was sinking lower in the sky behind us.  The sea breeze felt wonderful on my face.  We ate while watching the waves roll in. 

After I finished my sandwich, I closed my eyes to enjoy the moment.  I wanted to memorize the cry of the seagulls, the roar of the waves, the feel of the sun on my skin, the warmth of the sand, and the smell of salt and fish in the air. This was a place where I had so many good, happy memories.  I could almost remember the little girl I was all those years ago…looking up at the clouds and pointing to Pegasus gliding through the sky. Memories flooded my mind and I took the time to savor every one. Through it all, Logan just knelt beside me in the sand, giving me the time and space I needed.  I wished I could just freeze this moment forever, but sadly I knew it was time to head back into the real world.

Chapter Six

LOGAN

I knew I should wake her up, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Looking down at our joined hands made me smile.  She was still clutching my hand in her sleep.  Watching Bethany sleep made me realize just how tense and watchful she was when she was awake.  It had to be exhausting having your guard up all the time. The relaxed girl peacefully napping next to me had a spine of steel, but in some ways she was as fragile as glass.  The slightest pressure and she could break.   

After a couple of hours, she covertly peeked from behind her hair.  Bethany was a little startled to find me staring at her, but she offered me a shy smile as she stiffly sat up.  She allowed me to help her out of the car without flinching before we made our way to the beach. 

It was pretty quiet on a weekday during late summer.  School had already started, and the tourists went back to their busy lives.  The lazy waves greeted us as we slowly made our way towards the water.  We spent a couple of hours eating our dinner and soaking up the atmosphere.  She didn’t talk much and that was okay with me.  There are times when words just get in the way.  We focused on the horizon, content leave the world behind for a while.

It was still as school night so we gathered our things and made our way to the car as darkness fell.  With each mile that passed Bethany became increasingly apprehensive.  Her facial expression was as cool as a cucumber but her breathing increased and she was fidgeting.  I tried distracting her but after a while my questions went unanswered and I quit trying.   I reached over to pick up her hand from her lap.  It was a physical way to remind her that she wasn’t alone anymore. 

By the time we pulled up to her house, she had been silent and still for over half an hour, militantly staring straight ahead.  It freaked me out a little to see her going from the sweet, shy girl on the beach to this lifeless robot.  I let go of her hand and I purposefully grabbed her elbow.  Her eyes snapped up to mine immediately.  She was annoyed rather than scared. 

“I told you no one was going to hurt you, and I meant it.  It is going to be okay,” I promised.

She looked at me disbelievingly and looked down at my hand gripping her arm, silently demanding to be released.  I eased my grip, but I didn’t release her.

“I am going to walk you in,” I spoke slowly, hoping to reassure her.  “Everything is going to be alright.  Let’s go.”

She continued staring at me, slack-jawed for a few seconds.  When it finally registered, that I meant to go in the house with her, she jerked her arm way from my grasp and this time, I let go.  She shook her head, incredulous that I was even contemplating such a thing. When she finally spoke it came out in a rush.

“Have you lost your mind?!? You saw what happened last time Jack saw you.  If you try to step one foot in the door he is going to go ballistic.  No way!  Just let me handle it,” She insisted. 

She meant it too.  She had every intention of going in there and being subjected to more abuse after the last episode left her barely able to walk.  Incredible.  It wasn’t going to happen.  Never again.

“No, no way.  I’m coming in with you this time.  I’m not going to let him hurt you. If I had known last time…”

My voice broke and I couldn’t utter the words to finish my thought, so I just looked away and left it unspoken.  I reached under the seat for the disposable phone I bought at Walgreens earlier and slid it into her hand. 

“Here, I put my number in the contacts list.  If your step-dad steps one foot in your room or threatens you in anyway, I want you to call me immediately.  I live less than five minutes away and if you need me, I can be here in three.” 

Before I finished my sentence, she shook her head and tried to hand the phone back to me.  I refused to take it.

“I am not allowed to have a phone Logan.  Besides, I can’t afford one anyway,” she refused to meet my eyes as she explained.

“Jack doesn’t have to know and all the minutes are prepaid.  It’s done.  Please, just do this for me.  I need to know that you are safe,” I implored. 

She mutely stared at me for several seconds.  I could see the wheels turning in her head as she desperately tried to think of a way to refuse the phone.  I was relieved when she finally nodded her head in defeat. She put the phone in her pocket and looked away toward the front door.  

“I have the phone now, you don’t have to walk me in. Thanks for the phone and the beach. ”

She managed to smile before she turned and took a few steps toward the house, dismissing me.  

I jogged a couple steps to catch up to her.  When she heard me coming behind her, she stopped suddenly and turned back towards me.  Her head was tilted slightly, silently questioning my sanity.  I reached my hand out toward her praying she wouldn’t reject me.  Bethany considered her options for a few seconds before she ended my misery and put her hand in mine.  She took a deep breath before resuming her trek towards the house.

“It’s your funeral.  Let’s hope it isn’t mine too,” she muttered under her breath just loud enough for me to hear. 

Jack was his usual charming self.  He looked up from the couch and growled.

“Who the hell invited you into my house?”

Bethany didn’t even acknowledge him, but I felt her immediately stiffen. I gave her hand what I hoped was a reassuring squeeze before I graced him with a reply.  I turned and looked him straight in the eye.

“I just wanted to apologize for getting Bethany home so late on a school night,” I confronted him directly.

The vicious snarl on Jack’s face was replaced with one of shock.  He didn’t utter another word as I nudged Bethany forward toward her bedroom door.  She finally started moving stiffly past him and toward the hallway. 

As soon as we made it to her room I went over to the window, unlocked it and tried to open it.  It was jammed, so it took some force to finally open a crack.  Once I pried it a few inches, it slid open the rest of the way easily.  Bethany sat still on her bed expecting Jack to come charging in.  Every instinct I had was screaming for me to go back in the living room and beat her sorry excuse for a step-dad until he couldn’t hurt her ever again.  That would probably just land me in jail and leave Bethany at the mercy of an angry Jack.  Unfortunately, I had to tolerate him for Bethany’s sake until I could figure out how to get her out of her current living situation. 

“If Jack gives you any grief, get out this window and call me immediately.  He may be bigger than you, but I bet that beer belly slows him down.”  

She finally looked my way for the first time since we entered the house. All she offered in response was a slow nod of her head.  I searched around her room for something to bar the door to keep Jack out or at least slow him down.  It would give her precious seconds to get out of the house. 

“I’m getting a lock on your door tomorrow but for now maybe we can push your dresser against it to keep him out. Do you need to go to the bathroom or anything before I lock you in for the night?”

She slowly walked over to her dresser, took out some pjs and made her way towards the bathroom.  I stuck my head out the door until I was satisfied her step father wasn’t going to follow her.  In less than five minutes she was back in her room with her pjs on and her hair pulled up in a loose pony tail.  She never looked more gorgeous.

Performing a task as mundane as getting ready for bed seemed to pull her out of her fog a bit.  She had uncertainty in her eyes when she spoke for the first time since we entered the house.

“Logan, how are you going to put a lock on my door without Jack going berserk?” 

“It will be fine.  I’ll put it on tomorrow after I drop you home.  Now, let’s shut this door, and I’ll help you put the dresser in front of the door before I leave,” I reassured her. 

She looked at me like I had lost my mind, but she complied by shutting the door with the back of her foot.  She took a few steps sideways to give me some space to get to her dresser that was on the same wall as her door.  After I shoved the dresser in front of the door, I quickly placed a kiss on her forehead and was out the window before she could protest.  On my way to my car, I saw Jack watching me from the front porch.  He looked furious enough to kill me, but he kept his mouth shut and quietly closed the front door as I got in my car. 

Driving away from her house that night was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  It felt wrong to leave Bethany when she was in danger.  Once again, I went over the options in my mind.  It came down to getting her out of the house or reporting the abuse.  Bethany was barely fifteen, a minor, so legally her mother and Jack could force her to come back to live with them.  If she went into foster care there was no telling where she would end up, and her situation might not be any better than the one she was in now.  I knew there had to be a better answer, but I just couldn’t come up with the right one.  

I came home to an empty house.  My dad traveled a lot so it wasn’t unusual for him to be gone for weeks at a time.  I rearmed the elaborate alarm system my dad always insisted on and made my way upstairs to get ready for bed.  It would have been nice to confide in him and ask for his advice, but I knew he wouldn’t approve of my relationship with Bethany.  He was adamantly opposed to me dating because we moved around so much.  Besides he wasn’t here to talk to anyway.   

That night it was impossible for me to sleep.  I tossed and turned.  I couldn’t seem to get comfortable.  I was anxious about Bethany’s safety.  Had I done the right thing leaving her there?  Was she safe?  The minutes passed, and I found myself staring up at the ceiling.  I kept playing different scenarios in my head.  Would she have to go to the bathroom and struggle to move the dresser only to find Jack waiting to pounce?  What if she was lying awake too?  Was she afraid?  Jack could be beating her right now! 

I bolted out of bed, threw some shorts and a t-shirt on, and jumped in my car. I parked at the end of her street and jogged to her house. Everything seemed quiet as I made my way to her window that was still slightly ajar.  The only sounds I heard were crickets and cicadas chirping along with the random sound of the air conditioner fan clicking off and on.  I glanced in and noticed the dresser was still blocking the door and her lamp was still on. 

As I looked at her through the window I was mesmerized by her. Bethany had kicked off her covers and was on her side facing away from the window.  There was a book above her head on the pillow and her arm was covering her eyes.  She was still wearing the light tank top and shorts she changed into before I left earlier.  I noticed a few strands of hair had escaped her pony tail when I caught sight of her neck. 

Even in the faint light, I could see red whelps on the back of her neck.  As my eyes continued to travel down her back, I saw more red marks crisscrossing her shoulders. The sight of her skin so abused made my stomach lurch.   I was enraged by the time I saw the back of her legs.  Every square inch of her legs were covered in angry red lines and scabs. He had actually beaten her until she bled.   I had never wanted to kill anyone in my life, but at that moment I could have happily killed Jack and never feel and ounce of remorse.

Reflecting back on it, Bethany had been careful never to turn her back to me after she returned from the bathroom.  She was still trying to hide the extent of her abuse from me.  Watching now through the window, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her back. I wanted to crawl through the window and hold her.  I wanted to tell her how sorry I was that I was too late to stop it. 

Eventually, I had to turn and look away from the brutal evidence of her suffering.  I turned and looked up at the stars and wondered how Bethany had come to mean so much to me.  My every thought was of her.  She was my obsession.  Here I was in the middle of the night, sitting by her open window like a stalker.  I had become one of the poor saps I used to secretly pity.  I had it bad. 

I sat down outside her window with only hungry mosquitos and the occasional bark of a dog to keep me company.  I must have dozed off eventually because I was startled awake by her cries.  I quickly looked inside her room to find that she had turned over, facing towards me.  Her eyes were still closed as tears seeped from them.  Without thinking, I eased open her window and knelt beside her bed softly wiping the tears from her face. 

“Shhh….I am here.  You’re safe,” I whispered reassuringly.

After chanting those same words, over and over, after what must have been dozens of times, I was relieved when her whimpering finally subsided.  It could have been wishful thinking, but I thought I heard her murmur my name when she turned over and went back into a more peaceful sleep.  I made my way back outside.  It would be a bit awkward if she woke up and found me in her room.  That one would be fun to explain. 

I sat outside her window until the sky turned a deep purple just before dawn.  Somehow I made it back to the car and managed to drive myself home before I fell asleep.  My last thought before I crawled into my bed was--no one is ever going to hurt her like that again.  I would have called you a liar if you told me the next person to hurt Bethany would be me.