Breathe (4 page)

Chapter Four

LOGAN

It was Tuesday morning and Bethany hadn’t been to school for over a week.  I missed her.  School was monotonous without the expectation of seeing her every day.  I sat at her usual table while she was gone, praying she would walk through those library doors.  It was the only thing I could do for her until I saw her again.

Praying always reminded me of my mom.  When I was little, she took me to church every Sunday and listened to my bed time prayers every night.  After she was gone, my dad never stepped foot in a church again.  We never talked about why but my best guess was he was mad at God.  When I was old enough, I went to church by myself most Sundays.  It was something I could do to honor my mom’s memory and helped me to maintain a tangible connection to her in some way.  God’s existence was something that I questioned just like everyone else.  I finally came to the conclusion that life is so intricate, so complex, that it was impossible that it just happened by chance.  

I could not explain how or why but Bethany had become very important to me, very quickly.  Some people you just ‘click’ with immediately.  Like you have been waiting for them your entire life and when you finally meet them, you want to say, “Oh, there you are!”  Bethany was that person for me.  I’d had one real conversation with her, and I found myself missing her like crazy.  She was becoming an obsession with me.  I knew it wasn’t smart or healthy, but she was constantly on my mind. 

After that run in with her dad, I resisted the temptation to knock on her front door to see if she was alright.  It would just make things worse for her.  Besides, I already knew she wasn’t okay.  I just wanted an excuse to see her.  I wanted to promise her that I was going to make sure she was never hurt again. 

I was absent mindedly twirling a pencil on the library table as my thoughts wandered to the first time I saw her. I glanced into those brilliant green eyes when Bethany bumped into me and just for an instant she let her guard slip.  She was so flustered that I was able to see true emotion on that beautiful face.  Just as soon as I saw it, the wall came back down and shut me out.  It made me intensely curious, and I knew I had to get to know her better.  It took several weeks of lurking in the library, but eventually I was able to get her to trust me enough to take her home.  That brilliant idea didn’t turn out so well. 

I heard the library doors open and peered over my shoulder to see the object of my musings walking awkwardly toward the front desk.  Mrs. Calloway glanced up from her computer screen.  A welcoming smile lit her ancient face.

“Bethany, it’s great to see you back at school.  We missed you.  Nurse Renner said your mother called to let us know you were in a car wreck.  I am so thankful you and your mother are okay.”

Bethany’s gaze darted to mine.  She quickly looked away before she answered. 

“Thank you.  I am feeling better, but my muscles are still a bit sore.” 

She was lying.  Her slow measured steps were not caused by sore muscles, and I knew it wasn’t from a car wreck.  I fought to control the fury that rose up at the thought of that imbecile laying a hand on her.  Bethany gradually made her way to the table at the back of the library.  She warily avoided eye contact as she walked past me.  It was agonizing to watch every slow painful step she made.  I deliberately turned my head to watch her progress as she walked past me.  She pulled out her chair and sat down gingerly.  That was all I could take.  I waited until she got her books out to approach her.   When she realized I was heading her way, her expression never changed, but I noticed she tensed up. 

“Is this seat taken?” 

I flashed my best grin.  She wasn’t impressed. 

“Look Logan, there are ten other tables you can sit at and I have a ton of make-up work to do,” she huffed. 

Dismissing me, she looked back down at her book.  I stood there for a good ten seconds, but she refused to acknowledge me.  I was not going walk away from her so I cleared my throat and tried again,

“Bethany?” 

She signed theatrically and tore her gaze away from her book to glare at me.

“If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”

Not even that was going to work today.  I was determined to get past her defenses.

“Look, I am sorry if I got you in trouble last week.  I really just wanted a chance to get to know you better.  I had no idea it would set your dad off like that,” I continued.  

Her disinterested eyes widened when I mentioned her father. 

“That man is not my father,” she snapped vehemently.  

Bethany was really agitated by my assumption. It was nice to see a little fire underneath her cool demeanor.  I was happy to learn the brute was not her father.  She glanced at the doors, seizing a moment to compose herself.  After a few seconds, she looked my way again and gave me a small, apologetic smile. 

“Sorry.  It’s just that Jack isn’t my favorite person,” she explained.  “The fact that he is my step-dad is bad enough.” 

“I totally get that,” I whispered.  

There didn’t seem to be anything more to say, so I sat across from her and began pulling my homework out of my backpack.  I sensed that she wanted to protest, but evidently she decided it wasn’t worth arguing over.  She peered my way once more before she resumed reading her book. Hiding my smile, my heart soared as I realized she was letting me in whether she knew it or not.  I was trying to look busy and managing to get absolutely nothing done, but it felt good to be around her again.  It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable.  Being around Bethany was as easy as breathing to me.  It felt right to be near her. 

The other guys at school thought I was crazy to even approach her, but they didn’t take the time to look beyond her outward demeanor.   I immediately saw through her disguise.  It was obvious to me from the start that she was seriously wounded.  Some types of pain are so deep that you have to hide from the world to survive.  That was what this brave girl was: a survivor.  Someone like Bethany was worth a little extra effort.  After all, I didn’t really have a choice.  I was drawn to this tiny girl by a compelling force I didn’t understand.  It terrified me sometimes but I wasn’t giving up.  I couldn’t.  She had impossibly become the center of my world.

The lunch bell rang and my time with her was abruptly over.  As I packed up my paraphernalia, I noticed Bethany slowly rise from her chair.  It was excruciating to watch knowing every tiny movement caused her pain.  I quickly made my way to her side intending to pick up her backpack and carry it for her. I didn’t realize she was already reaching for it when I stooped down to pick it up.  She lost her balance, and my hand instinctively shot out to grab her shoulder to steady her.  She yelped in pain the instant I touched her. 

The sound tore at my heart and made me want to hurt someone at the same time.  I immediately released her shoulder and grabbed both of her forearms until I was sure she was steady on her feet. 

“I’m sorry. Are you okay?”  I murmured as I reached down to retrieve her backpack. 

When I stood back up, I saw the sheen of tears in her eyes.  She bravely blinked them away as she looked up at me.  My heart slammed inside my chest as I fought my instinct to rush her to my car and take her to the hospital.  I wanted her pain stopped and I wanted it stopped now.  Bethany would refuse of course. If I forced the issue, I could lose what little progress I’d made with her.  If barely touching her shoulder caused her that much pain, I shuttered to think about what sitting in a chair or slinging a backpack across her shoulder felt like. 

When she shook her head, I wasn’t sure if it was in denial of the pain or if it was because she wasn’t alright.  She collected herself and raised her hand out towards me.

“I’ll carry the back pack. Thanks.”

I had to swallow the terse reply that sprang to my lips.  There was absolutely no way she would be carrying anything for a while if I could help it.  I knew it was a risk, but I was not yielding on this one.  Bethany was going to let me carry her stupid backpack around until she was healed up, but I knew she wasn’t going to like it. I took a deep breath and plunged ahead. 

“Look, you’re obviously in a lot of pain.  I know it isn’t just muscle aches, but I am not going ask you what happened because you wouldn’t tell me anyway.  You just concentrate on walking and I will make sure that your books get to your next class, okay?”  

She glared at me before she sullenly nodded her head and walked towards the double doors without any further discussion.  We gradually made our way to her next class.  I knew she was upset with me but if that was the price I had to pay to spare her more pain, then I would gladly pay it.  Accepting help was a sign of weakness to her but sometimes refusing help was a sign of weakness too.

After the fourth period bell rang I strolled into Bethany’s class and snatched up her backpack before she even stood up from her desk.  Not because I was fast but because she required so much time to stand up.  She was astonished to see me standing behind her with her backpack already in my hand.  I nodded my head toward her and gestured with my hand for her to lead the way.  Her only protest was a little huff as she made her way to the hallway.  The next period was pretty much the same except she rolled her eyes at me.  When she turned her back to me, I couldn’t help but smile because she was absolutely adorable, even when she was annoyed. 

As the week continued, she grudgingly tolerated me hauling her backpack from class to class for her.    When people at school spotted me escorting Bethany to her classes, I was worried that it would embarrass her.  She feigned indifference to the stares and gossip.  She was an expert at pretending unpleasant situations did not exist.  She was slowly realizing that I wasn’t going anywhere.  It wasn’t much, but it was a start. 

Chapter Five

BETHANY

Just like that Logan became part of my life.  Whether I wanted him there or not, he was determined to stay.  Despite the warning bells going off in my head, I let him continue carrying my books for me.  To be honest, it was such a relief not to have to put that heavy backpack on my shoulder--I wasn’t going to put up too much of a fight.  Walking from class to class was grueling enough, if I had to put up with a few rude stares and whispers because Logan was suddenly carrying my books, I could deal.  I had a lot of experience with not caring what people thought of me. 

Unfortunately that skill did not seem to extend to Logan. My usual detachment slowly melted away where he was concerned.  Actually worrying about what someone thought of me was frightening. He was great looking and seemed like a genuinely nice guy.  I couldn’t imagine why he was wasting his time on me.  I’d made it more than clear I wasn’t interested in a relationship, yet there he was after every class, waiting patiently by the door for me with my backpack in his hand. 

When the final bell rang, Logan was there again waiting for me by the door.  Everyone in class was gawking at us, trying to figure out the puzzle of why he was pursuing me.  I almost wanted to shout, “Hey, if you figure it out, will you let me know?”  Logan was seriously gorgeous.  Judging by the looks he was receiving from the girls filing out of the classroom, they all concurred. 

He was about 5’ 10’’ with dark brown, almost black, hair that was tapered short in the back and his bangs were a little longer in the front, almost down to his intense eyes.  Sometimes it was impossible to look away from those eyes; they were a deep brown and framed by thick lashes that most girls would envy.  He had a square jaw with a dimple on his left cheek that you could only see when he smiled.  He must work out because he was all muscle with a serious set of biceps.

By the time I made my way toward him, he was alone with that heart stopping grin on his face.  A weaker woman would have melted into a puddle on the floor.  Fortunately, I was only slightly dazed and managed to form a coherent thought once I looked down. 

“Thanks for helping me out today.  I really appreciate it,” I stammered. 

If accepting help was awkward for me, so was thanking someone for it.  Logan hooked his finger under my chin and lifted my face toward him. 

“Bethany, it gave me a great excuse to spend time with you today, but it wasn’t enough.  Do you have plans after school?”  He asked hopefully.

Seriously?  Did he imagine that he was taking me anywhere after the way Jack reacted to an innocent ride home?   My new survival plan included robotically obeying every decree Jack demanded.  The instant I turned eighteen, I was running as fast as I could go, as far as I could go.  Until then, I had to avoid Jack’s rages at all costs.  I didn’t want to contemplate what would happen to me if I didn’t walk straight home after school. I started to tell Logan there was no way I was doing anything but walking home alone when he surprised me. 

“Please Bethany?  I know you are worried about how your step dad will react, but I promise it will be okay.  I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.  You name the place and we will go there.” 

He smiled sadly at me waiting for the rejection he knew was coming but willing to try anyway.  Ugh.  One glimpse of that pleading face and I couldn’t seem to remember the word no.  Whoa, that was an alarming thought.

When Logan promised he would take me anywhere, my immediate thought was the ocean.  I hadn’t been there since I was a kid.  When it was still just mom and me, she would bring me to the ocean at least once a month.  I think she loved the beach as much as I did.   Back then, I was the center of her world. 

I never remembered meeting my real father.  I asked about him once when I was five because I noticed most of the other kids in my kindergarten class had dads.  My mom just smiled at me and explained that he had to go away when I was born.  That was the only explanation I ever received.  It was okay that he went away because in the early years I never missed him.  My mother lavished all of her love and attention on me.  The days when she fixed my hair for school, cooked dinner, and listened to my prayers before bed seemed like a dream now.  Back then, my world was a beautiful place where I was loved unconditionally and everyone lived happily ever after.  

That lasted until third grade.  When Jack first appeared in my life, I was excited.  I thought I would finally have a daddy like the other kids.  He usually just ignored me, but when he was near, my mom was ecstatic.   I was content until he demanded more and more of my mom’s attention.  Soon, it was necessary for me to learn to fix my own hair, prepare my own food, and become invisible to avoid Jack’s wrath. 

For a while, I still said my prayers at night by myself but eventually those stopped too.  It soon became apparent that my mere presence made Jack furious.  Once he started voicing his displeasure with his fists, my childhood was over.  God had abandoned me. After that there were no more carefree, joyous days, no more Tooth Fairy, or Santa Claus, no more magic or happily ever after. 

My happiest memories were those days at the beach with my mother.  We would take a picnic, build sand castles and my favorite—look up at the clouds and watch dragons and unicorns in the sky.  Mom would patiently walk up and down the beach with me while I went in search of the perfect seashell.  After lunch she would tell me magical stories about princes and princesses.  I loved the feel of the wind whipping through my hair and the warm sun on my face. The memory made me smile.  I decided right then that I wanted to see the ocean for myself again.  I would just have to worry about Jack when the time came.  I bravely met Logan’s stare.

“Okay, I want to go to the beach,” I boldly declared.  

A wide smile graced his handsome face as he reached toward me and grabbed my hand.  I surprised myself by letting him lead me out to his car.

“Okay, we’re heading out to Galveston.  I’ve only been there a couple of times.  Is Stewart Beach okay?” 

I nodded.  He barely took a breath before he went on. 

“Are you hungry?  We could grab something on the way.” 

It was astonishing how excited this boy seemed over the prospect of driving me three hours round trip to the beach.  I had a few dollars in my backpack.  I could afford dinner if I steered him towards fast food.  If I was going to pay for this little outing when I got home, I might as well go all in. 

“We can stop at Subway and eat at the beach.  We should get there around dinner time,” I suggested.

“Sounds like a plan.”  

Logan led us to the passenger side and actually opened the door for me.  I’d never seen a guy do that for a girl before; I’ll admit I was impressed.  When he reached under my shoulder to help me ease down into the Mustang, I was mortified when I couldn’t stop myself from flinching at his touch.  To my immense relief, he didn’t react.  If anything he gripped under my arm a little tighter as he helped me in.  I wasn’t comfortable with people touching me, usually it meant something painful would follow. There was no way I could explain that to Logan, so I was grateful that he didn’t ask.

After we got our sandwiches, we still had over an hour drive in front of us.  At first, I turned my head and pretended to be fascinated by whatever was outside the window. While I stared out the window, I continued to wonder what Logan found so fascinating about me.  It was strange because I had spent my time in junior high and high school carefully keeping everyone away from me. I still wasn’t sure exactly how I found myself in this place, sitting alone in a car with a guy, on my way to the beach.  The most daunting part of the whole situation was not what was waiting for me when I finally went home.  Deep down inside, the scariest part was I wasn’t afraid of Logan.  I felt safe with him.

I slowly turned my head towards the windshield again.

“Welcome back.” Logan chuckled. 

He studied at me for a second, and I had to remember to breathe.  Sometimes when the boy looked at me so intensely, I was sure he could see past all my pretenses.  He could never know the real me or how pathetic my life was.  I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me or worse, be disgusted.  I put on my best ‘everything is fine’ face and attempted to have a coherent conversation. 

“Sorry, I guess I was zoning out,” I tried to explain.

Logan gave me another one of those intense looks that made my insides start to feel fluttery.  This was definitely not good.  Thankfully he looked back toward the road before he responded because the next words that came out of his mouth stunned me.

“Hey, you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.  I was just teasing.  You seemed a million miles away there for a while.  Honestly, I am happy to be with you.  That’s all I want.” 

I didn’t have a clue how to respond to that statement, so I fiddled with the radio until I found a different station.  I could only take so much Katy Perry. I liked some of her songs, but I was more of a Taylor Swift kind of girl.  I didn’t believe in fairy tales or love, but I still liked hearing stories of happily ever after.

I was hoping the music would distract me from the constant pain in my back.  Sitting at school all day and now sitting in a car only made it worse.  The only comfortable position for me these days was on my stomach.  It had been a week since my ordeal with Jack’s belt, but my muscles and flesh still burned like crazy.  After taking four Tylenol at a time for a week, the bottle was quickly emptied, so I had gone all day without it and the pain was catching up to me.  I surreptitiously leaned forward in an effort to take some of the pressure off my back.  After about twenty minutes of subtle shifting in an attempt to ease my discomfort, I gave up and carefully sat back in my seat.

Five minutes later we were pulling into a Walgreen’s drugstore.  I eyed Logan questioningly. 

“I need a few things from inside.  Do you want to come with me or wait here?” 

I had no intention of walking any more than was absolutely necessary, so I declined with a shake of my head. 

“No, I’ll wait here if it is okay with you.”  

“Okay, do you need anything?” he asked.

My mind was screaming “YES!!!” but my stubborn pride refused to admit to him that anything was wrong.

“No but thanks.  I’m good.” 

He looked like he wanted to argue the point with me for a minute, but he just shook his head as he made his way into the store.  Fifteen minutes later he walked out with two very full bags.  He put the bags between us and dug around until he found what he was looking for.   Wordlessly, he handed me a Dr. Pepper and dropped two pills in my hand. 

“I can’t take watching you in pain another second.  I know you were trying to hide it, but you are obviously suffering.  This might help a little,” he explained. 

Then he reached back into the bag and pulled out two huge icepacks already filled with ice. 

“Where would these help the most?” 

I was horrified to feel tears stinging my eyes.  He was being so considerate it caught me by surprise.  I quickly let my hair curtain my face to hide my tears as I leaned forward.

“My back,” I croaked. 

Logan put one icepack on my lower back and gently pushed me back a little before he put the second one up a little higher. 

“If you aren’t feeling better in an hour or so we can try something else.  I got several different pain relievers; I wasn’t sure what would work best.” he said matter-of-factly. 

I continued to sit there hiding behind my hair.  I was fighting for control before this guy turned me into a blubbering mess.  He tucked my hair behind my ear and tenderly pulled my hand from my lap and laced his fingers through mine. 

“Is there anything else that will help?”

It sounded corny but just someone caring made me feel better.  I refused to tell him that so I just shook my head and squeezed his hand in mine.  I hoped it was enough to thank him when words failed me.  Logan started the car and headed towards the beach.  The pills started to alleviate some of the discomfort after about thirty minutes.  When the pain started to ease, I felt so sleepy I could barely keep my eyes open.  I soon fell asleep with Logan’s hand wrapped tightly in mine.

I awoke to the sound of waves crashing and sea gulls crying.  I took a deep breath before opening my eyes.  I must have been asleep for a while because the sun was low in the sky.  The car was parked on the beach, with the sunroof open, and the windows down.  When I peeked over at Logan, he was not watching the waves roll in or the sailboats in the distance, he was watching me intently.  He didn’t seem embarrassed that I had caught him staring at all.  I looked down at our joined hands wondering if he had held my hand the entire time I slept.  He released my hand and very slowly reached over to brush a stray strand of hair out of my eyes. 

“I wanted to let you sleep, but it is getting late and I was afraid I was going to have to wake you up soon.  Are you hungry?”  

Amazingly, I was.  That nap was actually the best sleep I’d had in days and for the first time in a week, I actually felt hungry. 

“I am starving!”

Smiling, Logan reached into the backseat, grabbed our sandwiches and got out of the car.  As he headed over to passenger side, the ocean breeze whipped his hair every which way.  By the time he made it to my door his hair was tousled like a little boy who just got out of bed.  The amusement must have showed on my face because when he opened my car door he looked down at me nervously.