Breathe (3 page)

“Yes. Aurelia fell asleep having her bottle and Matteo was out with his arm around a giraffe.”

“I'll warn you right now, I'm not good with children.”

She smiled a little in response to his frown, but the smile wobbled. A bittersweet pang darted through her and she wondered if he remembered the hurtful words he'd said to her that awful day. “Oh, I don't know. You seemed to do all right once you stopped scowling at us. Toys on the premises go a long way.”

She braved a look directly into his chocolate eyes. The past was over and done with. Why couldn't they leave it there?

“And I should say thank you for letting us come here unannounced. We won't stay long, Jace.”

“Why not Alessandro's?” He was watching her too closely for her to be comfortable. “You and your brother were always close.”

Yes, they had been. But she couldn't talk to him about this. Part of it was wrapped up in Jace, and the few times she'd mentioned it, Alex had quickly changed the subject. “I felt like I would be in the way at his place, with Melissa expecting and his own business to run. And they are building a new house, you know.” Truth be told, it hurt to see their happiness, though she wouldn't say so to Alex for the world.

She halted. How did she explain what it had done to her to see her brother and Melissa? Only a few short months ago she'd been counseling him to get a move on and get married. About finding his happy ending. The ink had barely dried on their marriage certificate when her own perfect life had blown spectacularly apart.

He seemed to accept what she was saying. He turned back to the stove, lifted the lid on a pot and stirred. The scent was enough to nearly make her lightheaded.

“What are you making?”

“Risotto. I thought you might appreciate an Italian influence tonight. There's a deli down in the village that makes good sausage. Just the right spice.” He moved to the fridge and took out a plate. “Here. Snack on this. You look like you're about to faint away.”

The plate held an assortment of crackers, cheese and a bowl of olives in the center. Anna couldn't help it. She reached out and picked up a piece of the cheese. It was delicious.

“You made Italian?”

He gave her a bland look. “I might have issues, but I have never denied that the Italians have spectacular food.”

Her lips twitched. He'd spent many an hour in the Morelli kitchen to bear that out.

“Besides, I spent a lot of time in your kitchen.” He echoed her thoughts. “I paid attention. There's a cheese factory here too,” he continued, leaving the topic of Morelli behind. “Really amazing feta. That's sun-dried tomato. I was pleasantly surprised to find it here.”

Anna tried another sample, relieved he was keeping the topic to food and the local area. If he asked her anything personal now, she wasn't sure she wouldn't fall apart.

“Only one thing it's missing,” she said softly.

Jace left the stove and came to her. Her heart beat quickly as his body nearly pressed against hers. But he only reached around her for one of the wineglasses hanging behind her head. “Perish the thought,” he said in a low voice, and shivers erupted over her skin. “I opened a bottle already. One of Two Willows's. Here.”

He poured her glass half-full of ruby-red liquid and handed it to her. Her fingers brushed his as she took the goblet from his hands and the wine tilted in the glass. She closed her eyes and absorbed the rich scent before taking her first, full sip of Syrah. He waited until he saw her smile of gratification before answering it with a grin of his own, and his dimple popped. Just one, on the right. Her heart tripped.

She was only reacting to Jace because her emotions were raw. And because it had suddenly occurred to her that she was staying with him without the buffer of Alessandro between them. So often it had been the three of them, all for one and one for all sort of thing. But Alex wasn't here, and suddenly it felt very intimate. It harkened back to other days when Alessandro had been abroad, studying in Italy. That month had changed everything. It had just been her and Jace left to their own devices. And with Alex out of the way, their hearts had taken over.

She stared into the swirling red liquid. “It's lovely.”

“Of course it is. It's mine.”

She smiled into her glass. Jace had worked hard, using his hands and smarts when he didn't have money. He'd eventually taken over the vineyard from his mentor and had renamed it as an extension of his own surname, Two Willows. As long as she'd known him he'd been driven that way. Like he always had something to prove. She'd never understood it, not really. Not until now. Now she realized how awful it was to feel like you were not good enough. Jace had always felt that way.

But that was as far as her understanding went. Anna knew something more. Success was all well and good. But she'd had it and it meant little to her now. What was important was doing right by her children. Life had suddenly become bigger. Broader, and more meaningful. And no money or accolades in the world could touch it.

She watched as he stirred hot broth into the sausage and rice mixture. He then drizzled olive oil and garlic over the mushrooms, tossed them together and then poured them into a skillet. The scent was rich and intoxicating, the sizzle of the oil and garlic hot and potent. She would never have imagined Stefano cooking in the kitchen like this. He'd demanded a cook prepare all their meals and that they be served in their formal dining room. But Jace seemed very at home with a well-equipped kitchen. The range was state of the art, the cookware heavy and high quality. It was a working kitchen, not one just for show.

No, Stefano had always taken everything like it was somehow due him. And so had she, to an extent. Being friends with Jace for most of her life had meant she'd at least realized the world didn't always work that way.

“Dare I ask about him?”

“Who?”

Jace moved to a cupboard and took out plates and cutlery. “Your husband,” he replied, the word snipped as though it were a bad berry needing to be spit out.

“Ah, Stefano. I was hoping you
wouldn't
get around to asking about him.”

“Why didn't you tell me?” He put down the dishes and stood with his arms folded. “Why did I have to hear it from business associates? You used to talk to me. And the news came and I heard it from my vintner. For God's sake, I had to get the details from Alex.”

She swallowed, feeling slightly ill. She knew it was just nerves from talking about how her life had changed. “I didn't feel like talking to anyone, Jace. Father called Alessandro. I…” But she couldn't go on.

“I'm so sorry.”

The taste of it was bitter. What would Jace think if he knew the truth? That she'd moved from loving him to being married to a man she could barely tolerate? He would hate her for sure, and she wanted to give herself a little bit of time before she had to find new accommodations. “Thank you.”

His lips thinned, and for the second time she got a sense of the power behind his frame. Perhaps she hadn't seen it before because she'd known him since he was a boy. But there was no denying it. He was angry, though she couldn't quite figure out why, and it emanated from his six-foot-plus frame. All the time he'd spent hands-on in the vineyards obviously hadn't hurt either. He was strong and sun-kissed, and for a brief second it was like standing before a stranger.

A mushroom popped in the pan and their gazes broke. Jace went and turned off the burners and faced her again. The anger she'd sensed was replaced with a cool sense of resignation. That hurt more than his displeasure with her.

“Was he good to you, Anna? It's so sad that you're left now, so young. And with the children.”

She'd heard it enough over the last few months that the sting should have gone out of it. But it hadn't. She didn't wince though, didn't allow herself the indulgence. This kind of misplaced pity was why she'd left Saanich and the Island in the first place.

“Don't pity me, please. I can't stand it. I've had enough of pity. I need to look forward.”

“Fair enough. What are your plans?”

She had no idea. She would always have a place at Morelli, that much she knew. But she wasn't sure she wanted it. She knew she had to make a good life for herself and the children, but she had no idea how to best go about it.

“I don't have any plans. I came here to just…get my feet beneath me. To think.”

“To hide.”

She blinked. Perhaps she should be angry, but it was the truth. “Yes, Jace—” she sighed, “—to hide. To evaluate and make decisions away from prying eyes and useless advice.”

“I see.”

So did she, too late. That he was coming to the conclusion that his advice was not wanted. And perhaps it wasn't. His life was very different from hers. It was what he'd wanted, all this independence and success. He'd made the choice long ago, and to hell with the consequences. But it was the years of prior friendship that had led her here now, and so she tried to build a bridge.

“Not from you. You know me too well. I felt safe coming here.”

“I'm glad.” The words were soft and seemed to say so much more, but it would do no good to try to read anything into them.

His dark gaze caught hers again and she didn't feel very safe at all. The way he was looking at her now brought back too many memories. And in the flash of a moment, she knew that if he came closer, she'd recognize his scent, his warmth, knew how his fingers would feel if he touched her.

She backed away.

His eyes cooled ever so slightly. “I
am
glad, Anna. I am glad our friendship still means something to you. That I can help in some way.”

“I need to move on with my life, and forget about the past.”

“You intend to forget about the father of your children?”

She wanted to lash out, whip out the words that Stefano had been a lying cheat who hadn't cared for his family one bit, but that wasn't a conversation she was up to having right now, so she merely answered, “Yes.”

“Don't you care? Don't you think your children deserve to remember their father?” His face fell with incredulity.

Her blood began to simmer at the condemning tone in his words. “What do you mean? Of course I care, but what difference does it make now? He's dead.”

“I don't get it.” He shook his head, his eyes dark shards now. “I just don't get it.”

“What don't you get? He's gone. He is not their father anymore, and he is not my husband.”

“
My God!
” he exploded. “Are you really that cold hearted, Anna? Did you stop caring the moment he stopped breathing?”

Were they still talking about Stefano? Echoes of their own painful past rippled through his words. Her voice shook as she raised it in return. “Caring? I cared too much! And look where it got me. Alone! Alone and having to raise two children. And all because…”

His jaw dropped. “Because what,” he said, his tone dangerously low in the quiet kitchen.

She couldn't speak for a few moments as tears clogged her throat, making it almost unbearably tight. They had never spoken of it. The day that Jace had walked away from her had been the most painful of her life. Through the years she'd put it to the side, wishing to have her old friend back, knowing it wasn't worth losing him altogether. Only that wasn't possible. The past wouldn't wash away like Matteo's chalk drawings in a spring shower. Her voice took on a raw edge of hurt. “It doesn't matter now. None of it matters anymore. What was my life is no more. That's all there is to it.”

Jace took two long steps until he was before her again. He placed both of his large hands on either side of her cheeks. “How?” he demanded. “How could you have let this happen?”

He was blaming her.

She'd already blamed herself enough. But as she looked up into Jace's angry eyes, she was struck by a new truth.

Losing Stefano hadn't broken her heart. But being faced with Jace's condemnation—his disappointment—a second time just might.

Anna stepped away and out of his hands. How dare he ask such a thing? Had he no feelings for her at all?

Her voice shook as she answered him, despite how she tried to keep herself together. She wanted him to understand, but trying to say the words without letting her emotions take over proved more difficult than she'd imagined.

“Do you think I wanted this for myself? Do you think this is how I pictured my life turning out? I promise you, it's not.” She took a deep breath, forcing herself to look him in the eyes and to stop wringing her hands. She'd never been that kind of woman. Not until…it didn't matter now. She'd grown up. She'd faced rejection more times than she could count and she'd always bounced back. She raised her chin. “I have left my home—the home I lived in most of my life—and have dragged my children to the back of beyond to escape the pitying looks. When I married Stefano I did not think it would end a handful of years later with me a widow bringing up two small children alone.”

The kitchen echoed with silence. When Jace finally spoke, the disappointment in his voice made a weight settle in the pit of her stomach. “You were always the smart one. The cautious one. Alex and I would get into trouble and you would be sensible. And yet…of all of us, you've been the one…” He extended his hand, imploring her.

She stepped away, her chin flattened with disappointment that he should think so little of her. “The one what? Always in trouble? Always a mess for you and Alex to clean up?” The lump in her throat grew exponentially. She knew she'd failed at her marriage, and nearly as a parent. But knowing she'd somehow failed with Jace, knowing she'd let him down
again
, cut her so deeply her stomach tightened in response. She'd wanted him to understand about Stefano without her having to spell it all out. But after the day she'd had, she simply didn't have the energy to get into all the dirty little details.