Breathe (10 page)

“Mama, Mama, we got a boat!”

She put her mop back in the bucket and stood, placing a hand against the small ache at the base of her spine. “You did? What color is it?”

“White. With red stripes!”

“Hold on, young man.” She put an arm out to stop his progress. “Take off your shoes and stay out of the kitchen. I'm scrubbing.”

Matteo paused and pushed his shoes off with his toes.

Jace followed Matteo in the house.

“What on earth are you doing?”

She smiled brilliantly. “I'm cleaning.” But Jace's scowl faded the smile from her lips. “What?” she asked, tilting her head.

“You don't have to clean my house.”

She stared at him. “I know I don't have to. Aurelia is sleeping. I am waiting to hear back on some quotes. And once I started—”

“Just stop. Put those things away. The cleaning lady comes tomorrow.”

What was his problem? Anna's brow wrinkled and Matteo looked from her to Jace and back again. Granted, she had grown up with a housekeeper and cook, and had kept the same when she'd been married to Stefano. But it didn't mean she didn't know how to clean.

“Then she can have a day off, can't she.” She kept her grip firmly on the handle of the mop.

“You are not to clean my house.”

Her chin flattened at his outburst. Fine. If he didn't want her touching his things, she wouldn't. She let go of the mop, caring little that water splashed over the tile.

“You're insufferable.”

“You are a guest here, Anna. Not a maid.” He made a slashing motion with his hand.

She put her hands on her hips. Matteo had disappeared back out the door but she'd go after him in a minute. “I never said I was a maid. I was simply trying to help out while you were gone and I was waiting to hear back on the furnishings quote.” She couldn't understand what he was so worked up about. His eyes glittered dangerously at her, like she'd committed a cardinal sin.

“You don't clean, or do laundry, or…or…”

“Or what?”

“You just don't.”

His mouth clamped shut. For a moment she was reminded of Matteo and his mutinous expressions when he didn't get his own way.

“Why not? Why shouldn't I do something useful?”

“Because that's not who you are. You are Anna Morelli.”

She gaped. Her heart sank. Is that what he truly thought? “And that means what exactly? That I'm incapable of contributing? I'm not useful? What does that make me, Jace? Decoration?”

Her throat tightened. “I spent many years with someone who thought just that. And I'll be damned if I'll do it again.”

She started to stomp past him. After all she'd told him about Stefano, after all she'd revealed since her arrival. This is what it came to. He still saw the lines drawn between her world and his world. It had been the ruin of them before. He had learned nothing. These last days had only been a temporary respite.

“Anna, wait.”

“No, I will not.” She stomped her way to the stairs, halting for a moment with her hand on the newel post. “I tried to do you a favor by cleaning up after us all, but instead you've done me one. I fooled myself into thinking we'd both changed. But you're still as hung up on yourself as you ever were, and now I know how you really see me. You might be surprised at some of the things I've done.”

His mouth took on an acidic twist. “I don't think you could surprise me at all.”

She considered his words for a moment, knowing there was a hidden meaning, but there was too much going on now to bring something else into it. The truth was he'd always been so concerned with building himself and becoming a success that he'd missed things. Things that she hadn't.

“Where do you think I learned to keep house?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes, I think it does. I was not self-reliant because that wasn't my position. But I knew how. Your mother taught me.”

“Mom?”

“Yes, Mom. Did you know how hard it was for her to keep up when her arthritis flared? And you were off making your way in the world and ignoring what was before your eyes. She needed help, and in your absence I did it. In return I learned how to clean and launder and cook a little.”

“You had your own household help but dusted my mother's furniture? I don't believe it.”

“Someone had to.”

For a moment she saw a flash of vulnerability in his eyes. Then it was gone. “I didn't know. But working hard was worth it.”

He straightened his shoulders, emphasizing the broad expanse of his chest, and lifted his chin in defiance.

“Worth it,” she repeated blankly.

“Mom doesn't have to clean or cook anymore. I've looked after her and Dad.”

Anna shook her head. He honestly thought that throwing money at them was looking after them. He still didn't get it. He never had. Perhaps things had turned out the right way after all. Even though it hurt to admit it.

“I'll pack up the children and get out of your hair. Thank you for your
fine
hospitality,” she added frostily.

“Stop.”

The command echoed through the foyer as he stepped forward and grasped her wrist.

“Let go of me.”

“Not yet.”

“Jace.” She turned her wrist but he held it fast.

“Not until you listen to me. I did not mean you were not useful. Of course not. But we are friends. You don't have to be useful.”

“Yes, I do. And a real friend would understand that.”

“Do you really have such a low opinion of yourself?”

She flushed. “That's not fair.”

“You are better than a cleaning lady. You deserve more. You deserve…”

She took one step down so only one stair was between them.

“I know what I deserve,” she answered in a low voice. “Do not put me on a Morelli pedestal anymore. I do not want to be there. There is no shame in doing honest work with your hands. At least I feel like I am being productive. Like I am contributing.”

“You don't need to contribute. It is not what you were born for.”

A hard ball of futility settled in her stomach. Not contribute? If she had nothing to contribute, whatever was she on this earth for, then? Did he really consider her above menial tasks? Or was there something more to it?

“Jace Willow, you are the worst kind of snob.” She took the final stair down and twisted her wrist, setting it free. “You always were. You carry a chip on your shoulder about being poor. About wanting more. About what constitutes shame and embarrassment. My shame is not that I cleaned a house or changed a diaper. My shame is being so spineless that I settled for less than I should have all along.”

“On that we agree, at least.”

Her nostrils flared. “Yet you would do the same to me.”

“I do not want to see you lowered.”

“I have been as low as I ever care to go. I have not lowered myself. I have
freed
myself. There is a huge difference.”

She spun away then and went upstairs.

Jace watched her go, confused. What the hell had just happened? She was insulted? He'd been trying to say it wasn't necessary for her to be his cleaning lady. She was so much more. Didn't she realize how much? And she'd thrown it in his face and somehow made it his fault.

She deserved better. And yet she kept choosing the wrong way. Did she think this was a way to do penance for bad choices? Because she didn't belong in rubber gloves and an apron. She belonged in a beautiful dress with a glass of champagne in her hand. It was how he'd always seen her. She'd always been perfect to him. And he couldn't accept anything less, not now.

Because if she tumbled off of that pedestal, it was his fault, and he didn't think he could handle going through the guilt one more time.

He could see Matteo out of the window, kicking a ball on the grass, retrieving it and kicking it again. It looked lonely. It reminded him of himself as an only child, in the days before he'd had Alex to play with and Anna to torment.

He didn't want her to go. And it surprised him to realize he didn't want the children to go either. Despite never wanting any, he was starting to get used to their presence. Matteo had been a delight today at the boat dealer, full of childish enthusiasm but with good manners. Half of the excitement had been seeing the brown eyes widen with awe at the sleek powerboats.

He had to show Anna what he'd meant about the menial jobs. It angered him to think she now considered herself unworthy of fine things. She did deserve them. And more.

He opened the door and called out softly. “Matteo.”

The brown-topped head tipped up and the ball bounced away.

“You want to help me with a surprise?”

“Mama, put on a dress.”

Anna fastened the last tab on Aurelia's diaper and looked down at Matteo's face with indulgence. “A dress. Whatever for?”

“Please, Mama.” He went to the closet and opened it, tugging on a linen sundress. “This is pretty. You put it on.”

“What are you up to?”

She took the hanger with the dress out of the closet before he pulled it off. His eyes sparkled up at her and she couldn't help the smile that stretched across her face at his clear anticipation.

“You'll put it on, right?” He nearly bounced with anticipation.

She had an uneasy feeling in her stomach. “Won't you tell me why, Matteo?”

“It's a surprise. A secret. Please, Mama.”

She couldn't say no to a face like that. “Oh, all right,” she conceded, tipping his nose with a finger.

“I have to go. Put on the dress and come downstairs, okay?”

He ran back out of the room and she considered the dress.

What would it hurt? There had been harsh words between her and Jace this afternoon. Truthful words, but harsh nonetheless. She didn't want to fight with him. She'd never wanted to argue, not with Jace. With him, she'd always wanted…

She sighed, laying the dress across the bed. Who was she kidding? She'd always just wanted
him
. She'd adored him and for a short time he'd let her. He'd put down the wall between them and the summer had been magical. No pretense.

But then the world had changed and she'd become Anna Morelli again and he'd reverted to being the poor boy from down the hill. She had never cared about his status. He'd just been too stubborn to see it.

Once upon a time he'd looked at her, not with the derision of this afternoon, but with eyes bright with hunger at her mere appearance. For a brief time she'd felt cherished and loved. Desirable. When he came into the room he seemed to suck all the oxygen out, leaving her breathless and dazzled. When was the last time she'd truly felt that way? She trailed her fingers over the soft linen. Could she get him to look at her that way again?

Did she want him to? She'd vowed never to love again. But this wasn't love. This was…well, she didn't know what it was. Perhaps a way to find an end to something that had never really been finished.

Aurelia sat on the floor, attempting to stack blocks that kept toppling over. Anna changed, putting on the simple dress and then running her hands over the skirt. The fabric was cool and the pattern feminine. The tiny cap sleeves started off the shoulder. She looked in the mirror, grabbing at her hair and experimenting.

Her reflection sobered as it stared back at her. Her fingers held up the mass of hair, and she remembered how Jace had liked her hair up—and then enjoyed removing her pins one by one. The memory sent a skittering of pleasure over her skin.

She'd felt beautiful then, and suddenly she wanted to again. Perhaps this was a way of smoothing things over. And this time the children would be there to run interference. But she left the pins out of her hair. One didn't dare tempt fate too much.

With Aurelia on her arm, she went downstairs, her slippers nearly silent on the hardwood steps. The front door was open, and as she went to shut it Matteo came steaming around the corner of the house, puffing and clearly on a mission.

“Slow down!” She held the door open for him as he came up the steps.

“You're supposed to come now,” he said, holding out his hand.

“Tay-o!”

Anna looked at Aurelia, wondering what on earth…only to see the baby with her arms stretched out towards her brother. “Matteo?”

Aurelia pushed harder against Anna's arms as they went down the verandah stairs. At the bottom, Matteo held out his hands to his sister. Anna put Aurelia in his pudgy arms and stood back for a moment. So much like herself and Alex. She'd worshipped her brother and he'd been so good to her. Perhaps she was doing one thing right as a parent—it was clear they loved each other. “Why don't you hold her hands,” she suggested to Matteo. He put Aurelia on the ground, took her hands in his, and helped her toddle off towards the river.

“Where are you going?”

“You need to come,” was all Matteo would answer. She followed just behind them, enjoying the soft scent of the early evening. The sun was a warm ball in the sky, with the earlier hard edge of summer heat now dissipated. A perfect summer evening. Almost like she could remember from home, sitting on the velvety grass of the hill above the valley. Jace had chosen well.

She saw him waiting for her, and her heart stopped for one sweet second.

He stood by the willow, a large basket on a corner of a huge blanket. A picnic. Jace and Matteo had engineered a summer picnic.

Matteo and Aurelia tottered forward, but she paused. Even after the hurtful things he'd said today, he somehow still managed to have a grip on her heart. He couldn't know of course. Her life wasn't his, not anymore. His was business and being accountable to no one but himself. And hers was being accountable all the time to two most precious treasures. He didn't want children and she already had two. But that didn't stop the yearning, or the wanting, or the pulse of heat that throbbed through her each time their eyes met—like they were right now.